Hi Jake—
I fell in love with a man and we’ve been together for 11 years. Recently, I happened to look at the messaging on his iPad and found that he was frequenting MassageRent, and had made multiple attempts at scheduling a massage. These text messages included requests for nude pictures, inquired about mutual touch, and nudity on the part of the masseur. The text messages were in fact pretty descriptive with photos of the masseur nude and included photos of my partner. He actually booked 2-3 different massages. When I found these, I was devastated. What bothered me most was I could determine based on the dates that these occurred a few days after our anniversary, or after weekends that we had been together and enjoyed our time together. When I confronted him on the situation, he initially denied it, but as I showed him the screenshots I had taken, he had to admit that he had in fact had a massage on a couple of occasions and had been jerked off. He stated it was in response to my negative, depressed mood. Needless to say, I asked him about the dates and timing, such as after our 11-year anniversary, but he basically defended it with, ‘He just needed physical touch, and it was nothing.’ So my question is—am I being crazy by having difficulty letting all this go?
Please advise,
Rubbed But Not Tugged
Dear Rubbed But Not Tugged,
Finding out that your partner had any kind of sexual contact outside of what’s supposedly a monogamous relationship will feel like a betrayal. It makes perfect sense that you are having trouble letting this go, and that you are looking for help understanding it more fully.
As far as “cheating” goes, some people might say that getting pleasured in a massage is a fairly benign infidelity. After all, there’s not a lot of actual intimacy happening there, such as might happen in a romantic affair or even a regular hook up on the DL. With erotic massage, the purpose is really about physical touch for the sake of getting off (hence your boyfriend’s “defense”).
How about we take this to the next level?
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However, that doesn’t necessarily make it feel any easier for you. The fact that your partner is doing this behind your back is likely what hurts the most. On the one hand, he’s saying to you how much he loves you by celebrating your 11-year anniversary together, yet he obviously feels he can’t be truthful with you about his deepest physical and sexual needs. That’s confusing and painful.
Being in a relationship for over a decade is a long time. While you may have a great relationship in many ways, clearly there is a lack of communication. You might have felt a lot different if he had come to you first with his desire for the “ma$$age” and a more “monogamish” relationship. While you still might have been surprised, and maybe taken it personally at first, you would have respected him for letting you in on his emotional life, and it would have given you the chance to work through it.
Trust is the number one ingredient in a healthy relationship, and trust is built by communication and generating a safe, non-judgmental space to bring forth all feelings and desires, no matter how difficult or complicated. This lack of communication was not just coming from his end, but yours as well. The fact that you were going through your partner’s tablet could feel to him like a betrayal and a lack of respect for his privacy.
It takes working together lovingly to create a safe space to bring up difficult subjects–without taking them personally–and you might want to consider couples counseling if you can’t talk this through as part of an ongoing discussion.
It didn’t feel good to find out that that your partner’s massage was about busting a nut more than kneading a knot, but I encourage you to use this experience to examine the communication style in your relationship.
It may need a little deep tissue work.
Jake Myers is a licensed psychotherapist and the founder of Gay Therapy Space, an LGBTQ-owned and operated online therapy platform for clients and therapists marketed directly to the queer community, launching today in several states during Mental Health Awareness month.
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Harley
I call BS on that answer. The boyfriend is seeing prostitutes. A legitimate massage therapist doesn’t give you a “happy ending”.
Chrisk
“he had to admit that he had in fact had a massage on a couple of occasions and had been jerked off.”
Yeah, I’d say that was definitely a happy ending.
valentino888
AGREED.
cuteguy
It may have been a happy ending for the boyfriend but the princess who wrote the letter, it was obviously devastating for her. She needs to wise up and realize she is in a one sided open relationship and needs to either get happy endings of her own or look for a new prince. And I hate it when some guys use the whole “but we are two guys excuse”. Monogamy can work but only if the two ppl in the relationship want it. In this case, anyone really think that in the 11 years this guy hasn’t had how many more happy endings elsewhere? He lied about the massages and he will lie about the past cheating incidents. And if he’s hiding this from his partner of 11 years, what else has he been hiding that he hasn’t gotten caught yet with. Put up or shut up princess, life is too short
valentino888
You’re right. Completely. Where there are lies of that nature, there are many (many) more. I found out, two months after marriage, that my husband had cheated our *entire* 4 year relationship. I’m a good detective and not easily fooled. Not the gullible type. So it was a devastating shock to make these discoveries that I would never have imagined. And to look at him…you’d never, ever imagine he was the one out of the two of us who would do that. I’m the “bad boy” looking one, he was the bookworm with glasses and no hair. I’m still broken up over it. I adored him. There were thousands of lies in 4 years. Oh, these were absolutely not adoneses he cheated with by any stretch of the imagination. But that didn’t make it any better for me. He said “low self esteem and the need to feel attractive to other men” was the reason. Whatever… (check those phones guys. And don’t be shy about it).
Fahd
From my experience, it seems that some couples stay together because neither one of the partners has the courage to end the relationship; fear of the great unknown of being single again. In this case, I think the guy getting massages might not have the courage to break up, but he engages in behavior that he deep down hopes will make his partner break up with him. Either that or he simply no longer values (if ever he did) the monogamous aspect of the relationship. The guy who has been cheated on (apparently) doesn’t want to break up, instead he writes to an advice columnist. I think one of the two should have the courage to break up, but I agree with the therapist that they should seek counseling to help with their communication first, so that any possible break up isn’t just because of lack of communication in the relationship.
EddieB
The partner getting massages should have been honest about his need for more physical intimacy and that includes from someone other than the letter writer (not all relationships start or stay monogamous or need to.) On the other hand, the letter writer (who “happened” to be looking at his partner’s messaging) does sound depressed or at least depressing and that rarely makes for a good physical connection. They need to deal with their issues, split up or maybe just let things go on as is. I can’t judge their life.
twomen4u
Just a quick question are these two living together on a day-to-day basis? If not, I suggest couple’s counseling as they have some issues that need to be resolved.
stevieboy3362
Dump the cheating son of a bitch. You can’t seriously trust him, he already tried to lie his way out of it. If he cared for you at all, he wouldn’t have cheated in the first place, and trying to pin it on you is bullsht.
valentino888
Agreed. Lies are not a minor thing.
tangent
Trying to see it from both sides. Sexuality is very important. And it’s necessary to work at it until a ripe old age. That means, reducing stress, staying fit, and communicating in a smart way. Communication and honestly doesn’t mean that you blurt out every stupid thought that enters your mind. Chattering navel gazers are irritating, but the important things should be discussed. So Also, for most of us, it keeps our juices flowing to know that we are still attractive as we age. The best recent sex I had with my husband was after being propositioned by a hot straight couple in a hotel bar. It was a turn-on that they wanted me, and I thought it was hot that my husband watched confidently from across the room as I declined and walked over to him.
Frankly, a happy ending during a massage is probably the most innocuous kind of sexual contact. It’s very transactional. If it were unplanned and happened unexpectedly, I’d even say that it was okay and easily forgivable. For some relationships planning sessions like this might be fine, but only you know if that’s the kind of relationship you have. For most, planning regular sessions that include that kind of sexual interaction is a betrayal.
Rather than kick him to the curb, I’d take it as an opportunity to take a look at your relationship and spice things up a bit.
tjack47
I believe if you are snooping in your partner’s phone or iPad or any device, there’s already a suspicion and problem in your relationship. It’s wrong to invade another’s privacy. Relationships are not synonymous with ownership. Everyone has a right to their individuality.
I think the answer was spot on. 11 years is a long time. Sexual boredom is common, and a couple’s counselor or sex therapist would be a good idea. It depends on if both of you want that.
ShiningSex
What is there to hide then? If you don’t have nothing to hide then you shouldn’t be worrying about your what they might find. There are trust issues obviously that need to be addressed, but if they’re cheating and you’ve caught them, then something led you there.
Robothedestroyer
Agreed. Counseling will help them both. It will help identify the reason for the massages, how that relates to the relationship and help the couple decide if this was just a one off or if they should part ways.
A lot of you guys are so quick to throw someone into the fire for a wrong decision good lord.
valentino888
When someone’s stories aren’t matching up and that gut feeling kicks in or the cheater has already been caught…they have no further right to “privacy.” Perhaps they had too much in the first place. People can save their own lives by finally taking a look at what’s the hell’s *really* going on and discovering the truth. They can set themselves free.
Ryan99
Why people insist on mixing up horniness and love, I’ll never understand.
myloginname
Whereas I totally agree that sex can be a sport played with any number of players, when one is in a committed relationship then that needs to be understood by the other person in that coupling as well.
If my husband went for a rub n tug. I’d say great babe. Blow that load.
If my husband had a dinner date with that masseur. I’d scratch their eyes out.
GayEGO
And don’t forget to mention that during the massage, a syringe was injected in his bum!
WSnyder
I didn’t read the advisors reply, to me it doesn’t matter. The BF betrayed the guy who wrote in. Doesn’t matter if it was a ‘Masseur’, nudity, mutual touch and getting a hand job is breaking trust. A ‘legit’ masseur don’t do any of these things not to mention if it was ‘legit’ the BF would have no reason to lie initially. It sounds like they’ve talked and if that didn’t resolve the relationship’s problems, then this letter would never have been sent. I’d tell him to break-up ands move on. That trust is now gone and very unlikely to be salvaged. The cheater is not happy with his partner’s ability to satisfy and the betrayed partner will never get past the incident. Break up, maybe they can be friends, but this relationship is over.
ShiningSex
IF YOUR MAN IS GETTING HAPPY ENDINGS, THEN THAT’S CHEATING AND DISGUSTING. BYE!!!
Troyfight
…both are at fault. Failed communication on both sides.
Centrism
No, the person stepping outside the relationship is at fault. Relationship troubles happen, everyone knows that. It’s not an excuse to cheat.
cuteguy
I disagree. Only one cheated and lied. Both are responsible for staying in a toxic unhealthy relationship that has caused lying, cheating and secrecy.
valentino888
Nonsense. If one is lying and has thoroughly convinced the other that all is well and there’s no real isdue…that indicates one was trying to communicate, and one was lying. They’re not both at fault.
Centrism
All the people trying to pass the blame to the person being cheated on are gross. The guy is a liar and a jerk and will probably pass on an STD at some point. Dump him and move on.
nm4047
‘what we have here is a failure to communicate’ clearly not a recent ‘event’ for the partner. Having said that many (I know not all but the majority) gay couple after a long period together discuss ‘outside activities’ but if they don’t talk about it, then it become the problem. As long as they don’t bring the trade home and also come home each night then it tends to be acceptable.
butchqueen
What other secrets is he keeping? Trust IS love. If I can’t trust someone, I can’t love them.
F#@k “failure to communicate”. Fist it with Crisco and crushed glass.
Oranos
“benign infidelity”? The therapist actually called an infidelity “benign”?
This sounds like Dante’s Nine Levels of Hell, as though one can have a “slight” infidelity that is less harmful to the person finding it out.
People are finding creative ways of being unfaithful and then claiming “well, it wasn’t all THAT bad.” As if the transgressor determines which level of Hell it is for his mate. Didn’t straight men use this to rationalize having sex outside their marriage. Do you think the wife felt the same way when she found out? Infidelity is infidelity. It is the shock of your mate having touched someone else sexually that is so devastating. And the therapist here is trying to “parse it,” as it “It could have been worse. He could have sucked him off (is that Dante’s Level 2? or eaten him out (level 3) and so on. Wow.
What is being damaged here is TRUST. And trust, once broken, is not easily pieced back together. There are millions of examples of this throughout time. Henry the VIII beheaded his wives when HE was unfaithful, and just decided to “off” them to marry someone else.
The writer has every reason to be heartbroken. The therapist (Mr./Ms. “benign infidelity”) reminds me of the one in The First Wives Club, who was sleeping with Diane Keaton’s husband, while being therapist to both of them.
I feel for the guy. Even if he IS depressed, how was this supposed to reconcile the rift that HE did not know about, but his lover did? Inauthenticity in a relationship is poisonous. How ironic that the image directly below my dialogue box is that of the forlorn face Princess Diana in her famous 1995 BBC Interview: “Well, there were three of us in the relationship, so it was a bit crowded.” Coincidence or cosmic irony?
BoredReader
I have been in monogamous and non monogamous and cheating relationships ( this one tried to organize side pieces for me ).
We are gay so we have sex for sport and sex for romance, and both parties are male, there are only 2 ways to claim wnership of your partners nut (1) drain him a few itimes a day (2) he lets you LOCK him in chastity,
To start with all normal men wank , if your partner doesn’t, either you are keeping him smiling & chilled, or you are deluded.
All men need to nut, the normal choices are porn / partner / sidepiece / hooker , this partner seems to have found a hygienic place between wank & hooker, while keeping away from a hookup.
I am programed for relationships and i remember for a few months being lonely enough that i went into a club just to have other gay guys around me and bumping into me.
I don’t understand why the writer did not offer to save money and do this for his partner ( incidentally keeping him home and owning the happy ending )
Sometimes I work away from home and not being able to sit beside your partner when life is stressful or when you fight becomes torture. Men need to nut but all humans need to touch another human, Everyone here who has been careful during covid should know this.
i think a massage video tonight should be the first place to start, they are both wrong, and they can both fix it. ( i am suggesting at least one – ideally 2 happy endings – and maybe some affection )
if there is no affection left just pack and be done.
mikenyc352
The issue here to me is the lack of openness. A partner is there to share your life with and not hide it. But frankly, it is a fundamental flaw with monogamous relationships. There is virtually no person who actually only sexually desire one person. Those in monogamous relationships deny themselves other people but the question becomes, why?
The idea of monogamy really centers around heterosexual relationships and this arcane fear of men of raising someone else’s child unknowingly and if women having their partners resources split with a child from another relationship. But neither issue exist for queer people. The desire for your partner to be monogamous comes from a place of insecurity. “I don’t want to lose him to another man.” It prioritizes control from that place of insecurity. It is no more healthy to demand your partner have no other sexual partner because of this fear then to demand he have no deep friendships with others. Frankly, in terms of maintaining the relationship, deep loving platonic friendships really off more of a threat then a hand job for a masseuse.
It is time for queer people to recognize monogamy for what it is. A desire to mimic heteronormative life and make our lives feel acceptable to this model. Move past it and have truly healthy and open relationships not based in restricting and controlling your partner but in sharing, openness and mutual support of what we all mostly want: love and regular orgasms 😉
JamJewel
Failure to communicate. Breaking up with an LTR, he kept saying, “but…. we’re married!” …when I had become a glorified babysitter to his kids and he never wanted to talk about our issues! Bye!