Hi Jake,
I recently decided to fulfill what I thought was my ultimate fantasy: hiring two male escorts at once. Something about having two attentive, hot guys working together to fulfill my every need is such a turn-on. So, I ended up jumping on a massageM4M site and finding these guys visiting from Miami who work together as a team, and we met at a hotel room. Here’s the thing, it was an “experience” and all, but for some reason, after it was over, I was left feeling kind of sad. Granted, it didn’t exactly go as planned. They were both doing drugs and constantly in the bathroom for various things, and then wanted to do things sexually that were just too out there for me. Still, I really thought the whole thing was going to be my ideal sexcapade. Why do I feel like not only wasn’t it that fulfilling, but I’m left feeling empty?
Escorted into a funk
Dear Escorted into a funk,
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Good for you for attempting to live out your dreams. It takes courage to embrace the unknown and try new things. However, what can sometimes happen when you set your sights on a fantasy is that the actuality of the situation doesn’t match up to what you had envisioned. You then experience is a bit of a “come down”, when what you had hoped for doesn’t align with how it actually played out.
When it comes to sex, the lead up to the encounter is often the biggest part of the turn-on, as that’s where fantasy gets to prevail, doing summersaults in all its glory. In the anticipation period, everything is that much hotter, unfolding exactly as you envisioned, and devoid of any buzz-kills. But let’s face it, how many times does fantasy actually match up to the reality? It can happen, but it’s rare.
If this had actually played out as you hoped, you probably would have received undivided attention from two these tanned Adonises, making your every wish come true. They would have both been even hotter than their pictures, and communicated in a clear, compassionate way throughout the night. In fact, what you got was some sketchy behavior from drug use, and some misattunement in terms of what you were looking for. When things don’t match up with what we hoped, it pokes holes (no pun intended) into the fantasy, leaving us feeling deflated.
If you think about it, this happens a lot in life: a birthday party you were so excited for gets derailed by some drama between your friends, or a beach vacation you waited a year for ends up being pummeled by a monsoon. We build things up, and then become disappointed by the reality.
The best way to go into a new sexual experience is to calibrate your expectations. Instead of putting so much weight in your mind on how it’s supposed to look, try to approach it with an air of “curiosity”. Say things to yourself like, “I wonder how this is going to turn out,” instead of “I can’t wait to fulfill my ultimate fantasy!” It’s difficult to not have a vision of what we want to happen, but if it were all picture perfect, there would be no exultation when you do hit the jackpot.
When you’re going into a hookup, whether it be an escort situation, a regular FWB, or a late-night Grindr fling, make sure to remind yourself that fantasy is just fantasy. The reality of the situation may be completely different. I try to remind my clients to be open to whatever the experience offers.
With an escort, what you’re mostly paying for is the anticipation you get before the meet-up actually happens, as that’s where it’s the hottest. Think of the dollars you paid to those Miami boys (let’s hope it was under market value) actually going towards the lead up, versus the actual night in the hotel with them. If you look at things that way, anything else that works out beyond that is just gravy, as you’ve already gotten your money’s worth. As for your funk now, give yourself from credit for trying, and it all else fails, it can sometimes be very therapeutic to write a scathing Yelp review. 🙂
Struggling with your own issue or feelings? Reach out to LGBTQ Therapy Space to schedule a free video consultation with an LGBTQ clinician in your state who fully and authentically understands you. And don’t forget to follow us on social for LGBTQ mental health tips, and more!
Jake Myers the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space , the first LGBTQ-owned and operated national platform for teletherapy. He has a Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy, and is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in both California and Florida.
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abfab
Miami….that explains it, kid.
still_onthemark
“They were both doing drugs and constantly in the bathroom for various things,” … and that explains even more!
ScottOnEarth
I love Jake’s response – logical and non-judgmental. Sexual fantasies rarely turn out the way we planned, so it’s helpful to be realistic about the reality of the situation.
Raphael
I disagree with Jake’s response. It could have been all of what he had hoped and more, he just chose the wrong guys… “Doing drugs and constant bathroom breaks”!? Not professionals, clearly. You felt down because you wasted your time, money and fantasy on trashy guys. Chose wisely next time, there are tons of nice professionals who would have fulfilled your fantasy.
mdrguy1
I agree it’s a TERRIBLE response. He in no way addresses the fact that these two were doing drugs and selfishly making it about them. A better response would have been to encourage Jake to try again with guys that make it about HIM, and who are true professionals. I’ve been with escorts before, and it’s great when it doesn’t feel transactional and is instead natural, smooth, sensual and easy. A good escort can pull that off; he should leave you feeling elated and satisfied. I would have kicked those losers out right from the start and refused to pay a dime.
bachy
Bringing a sexual fantasy into a real-life situation is complicated. One has total control over the masturbatory fantasy; not so much the real-life encounter with real people.
I’ve found that real-life enactments of sexual fantasies can be even more problematic when they’re actually… satisfying. When you manage to meet someone who fulfills your sexual fantasy – and you fulfill theirs – look out! The sexual relationship tends to become addictive. Especially if your fantasy involves sex with someone who has zero emotional investment.
Capawok
WOW.
Could not have written it more clearly than that.
Just could not have.
Bravo.
xnetminder
Things should have been set BEFORE any confirmed meetup..meet up… maybe a no drugs policy, what kind of sexual fun one wants, etc. Apparently this guy went into the situation blind… how can a fantasy be fulfilled if boundaries and expectations are made very clear???
SDR94103
ugh
Mr-DJ
That encounter turned out to be more for those 2 guys, than the guy who hired them. They obviously didn’t pay attention to what HE wanted – what he was paying them for. They were more into each other. It’s apparently THEIR fantasy to have not only a third, but one who will do what THEY want to do – PLUS get PAID for it to boot..!
Jimmy Palmieri
Next time buy a new pair of shoes…..they don’t leave once you’re done……
LumpyPillows
This is funny, but actually not bad advice!
Doug
This guy spent money trying to live out his sexual fantasies with two hustlers, and they came over and did drugs the whole time and wanted to get into extreme scenes he wasn’t into? Now he can’t figure out why he feels disappointed? Really?
Vince
I’m assuming it’s probably Crystal Meth and yes it will make you want to do things sexually that to a normal person would seem completely bazaar if not disgusting. Many tweakers turn to escorting since working at a job is almost impossible for most of them.
richybruce
They obviously didn’t take their job seriously and lacked any kind of real work ethic.
Bengali
It was their way to make money but weren’t into it with any of their customers or this guy who sounds like he’s already got some issues so they did drugs to numb the experience so they could move on to
the next one and repeat it all over again.
GlobeTrotter
“My ultimate fantasy came true of hiring two male escorts at once. Why do I feel empty now?”
Because the only fulfillment one gains from sex is temporary and fleeting at best. That’s why so many people get addicted to sex and find themselves unable to stop. I know a couple of guys in my circle of friends that unfortunately fit this description.
As cheesy as it sounds, the only truly lasting fulfillment comes from accepting and loving yourself.
Den
“the only truly lasting fulfillment comes from accepting and loving yourself.”
How very christian of you. What exactly is wrong with fleeting satisfaction, when not warped by the kind of guilt you obviously have and wish to share with others?
He felt empty because the two escorts were assholes, doing drugs and not even trying to relate to their client in a professional way.
People may become obsessive about sex for various reasons, though it is not considered empirically to be a real addiction. There is nothing intrinsically addictive about casual sex anymore than there is with karaoke, hiking, bicycle riding or going out to dinner with friends or a good movie or a fireworks show. It is a lack of self esteem or an inability to connect with others or share intimacy that may drive excessive promiscuity that interferes with other aspects of life. But those things are in no way necessarily connected with casual sex. Some of my most pleasant sexual memories are of casual sex with strangers or men I had admired from afar (a famous bay area choreographer and a gay games founder/olympian as two examples, and a couple of truckers out in a public park are another). Can’t say any sexual experience ever left me feeling either empty (drained perhaps) or saddened. That feeling originates elsewhere.
GlobeTrotter
That’s a pretty long sermon for sins you only thought I committed.
Where in my comment did I discourage or condemn fleeting satisfaction? I distinctly said that the fulfillment one gains from sex is TEMPORARY or FLEETING at best. I never said it was bad or that it was undesirable, only that it’s TEMPORARY. I also said nothing about casual sex – I’m really surprised you were able to discern my take on casual sex based on a few lines that addressed the temporary fulfillment one gets from sexual activity.
My suggestion: if you want to know my opinion on a subject, just ask instead of projecting your own feelings on me.
“It is a lack of self esteem or an inability to connect with others or share intimacy that may drive excessive promiscuity that interferes with other aspects of life.”
I thought that’s what I said, no?
“…the only truly lasting fulfillment comes from accepting and loving yourself.”
It’s maybe a bit shorter but the sentiments are exactly the same.
Zenzuva
@ GlobeTrotter
Sad to have to scroll down so far to find a response like this.
Bengali
99% of the times I hired ppl it wasn’t just to be with someone hot (although part of it was). The other was because they had specific features I really liked and knew those specific features existed so I was rarely disappointed.
Bengali
Truly the guy whining about it not going his way and asking why he feels so empty makes me feel very sad for him.
“Why do i feel so empty and disappointed that I hired to drug addicts who wanted to get into things that were out of bounds for me?” He kind of answered his own query.
humble charlie
“poor boy poor boy
downhearted and depressed and in a spin
poor boy poor boy
love can really do a fellow in”
abfab
The barter system works, too. I can vouch.
LAGuy
In my opinion most everything sexual is a little overhyped. Even the act itself. Sure its feels good. And sometimes you’re more turned on by some than others. But I’ve never had an overwhelming experience that brought me to Heaven. So its not surprising that fulfilling a fantasy was more of a let down.
abfab
I shudder to think had he hirded three.
winemaker
The minute these guys escaped into the bathroom for the drugs, I’d throw them out immediuately. On the other hand drug use usually shows and if this was apparent, cancel the ‘hookup’ immedaitely. It sounds like this guy got screwed and not in a good way. What a waste of time and money.
abfab
And the nerve, not to invite him into his own WC for a few bumps!
stanhope
Your problem is that you did not get professionals, you got some bullshit guys out to make a buck. Real pros don’t do drugs when ‘on assignment ‘. The second they disappeared in the bathroom to do drugs you should have dismissed them. I have a friend who is blonde, 6’2”, blue eyes, with broad shoulders and a narrow waist. Hell he could be a model or escort. He hires escorts because, he says, he wants exactly what he wants physically and in performance and does not want to go through ‘the ramp up’ to get what he wants. He has on occasion sent the escort away when there has been any sort of misrepresentation .and once the escort said he would do my friend for free because the escort found my friend ‘hot’. My friend sent him packing. You are paying for a service. You should get what you paid for.
sfhairy
Instead of reaching out to the internet, reach out to a therapist.
Ronbo
I paid two straight guys $1,000 each to come to my house and work up a good sweat. I felt totally fulfilled and not at all disappointed – once they finished painting my house.
Escorted into a funk should buy a house if he wants a long, expensive, laborious relationship that has it’s share of ups and downs; but, ultimately provides a place for him to wrestle with his libido. Make some friends dude.
RIGay
It’s a lesson learned. Been there, done that, got robbed in the process and had to change the locks on my house. This guy is lucky that all he got was depressed.
Gadfeal
I’m in two minds about this. I agree with the counselor in general — that all human encounters with new people have elements that one may not expect, both “good” and “other than good”. I also agree that if one has a specific “scenario” that one wishes to create that better vetting, preparation and planning could have avoided two dopeheads with sexual behaviors one finds odd (i.e., odder than wanting to have two strangers get intimate with you).
I practice what I preach, i.e., the few times I’ve chosen an escort, he has to have have lots of positive feedback from clients, and I READ his profile. While the person may be physically as I expected (or better), the reality that there may be no complicity or mutual sexual excitement has made some encounters with an emptiness afterwards; those would have been about as impactful as masturbating.
From the escort’s viewpoint, he is paid to perform, and like actors who have to act as if they are in love, it is a job when their emotional persona has to switch off. So, when some lonely, socially awkward novice client arrives with an imagined scenario, and he “falls in love”, the escort usually is scared away — sometimes for good from the profession.
Escorts serve a purpose. Clients get an itch scratched; escorts make money. To expect anything else is mostly fantasy.
Demi
Hi Jake, great read and I appreciated your answers. However I think you missed something pretty vital. If our writer had laid down some ground rules or perhaps vetted these escorts he probably would have had a much better time. He could have negotiated the requirements, (no drugs being one, no playing with each other, etc.) it probably could have went a lot better, or perhaps led to hiring someone else. Those men are there to do a job, to be real, best they do it to the best of their abilities.
Paulie P
massagem4m hasn’t been around for a long time.
jackscott
You might want to try two guys that don’t always work together. That way it will be “new” for all involved. I wouldn’t get down because it wasn’t what you thought, plus, drugs are a big let down for hook-ups. Next time be clear on what you will and won’t get into and maybe it will be better.