Rom-coms are full of “meet cutes” wherein the lovelorn protagonist just stumbles upon the love of their life. But those of us in the real world have to search for Mr. Right, as one 18-year-old is realizing.
On the r/askgaybros subreddit, this young chap asks if gays actually believe that the right one “will come along.”
“I often hear things like, ‘You just have to be patient at that age’ when people talk about that stuff, but how do you actually meet somebody?” he writes. “I’m going to a lot of parties (corona excluded), and I have met a couple non-straight guys, but that is a rare occasion. I feel like the chances of meeting someone just randomly are close to nonexistent. Does that suddenly change when you’re older?”
Related: A shocking number of users believe they’ll find the love of their life on Grindr
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In reply, some gays revealed the right one did come along for them, but many others said you can’t just wait around for your happily-ever-after.
“Honestly, I hate that advice,” one commented. “It kinda implies that you’ll be ‘lucky’ one day, that someone will just show up and it’ll just happen. Truth is, that’s not how it works. You still need to put yourself out there, meet people, do things, work on yourself, and so on. And even then, it won’t mean anything if you’re not putting the work into a relationship. Can’t just rely on luck, you have to make it happen.”
Another guy concurred. “I prefer to actually search for friends and romantic interests,” he said. “Meeting new guys is one of my favorite parts of gay life. I definitely think we need to take an active role in our love lives.”
Another commenter rejected the idea of The One altogether. “Truth be told, relationships are work, and you need to find someone who is willing to do that work as much as you are. People’s energy will ebb and flow, but you can’t just throw time/money/love/consideration away on someone who doesn’t reciprocate. And you can’t just sit around and wait for them to just show up. What most people think relationships are is stuff that they learned from media and it’s so wrong.”
Related: Gay guys sound off on hooking up during the coronavirus crisis
And another commenter reframed the waiting game entirely. “I can tell you in my 25 years, most of my dates happened because I was actively searching I think when people say to ‘just wait’ they mean it more for people who obsess about finding relationships when they aren’t ready [and] when they should be focusing on themselves. … I’m of the personal belief that while life isn’t in our control, we can still manipulate certain things to increase those chances i.e. dating apps and putting yourself out there by going to gay-themed events. If you like sports, join a gay league. If you like video games, find a place that many gaymers are known to frequent.”
Or take this succinct comment: “A ‘right one’ can come along, but not because it’s necessarily destined to be. you have to do the work of putting yourself out there and meeting guys — this, to maximize the chances that you’ll meet someone compatible.”
TL;DR? If you’re looking for your Prince Charming, you better work!
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charmin88
That’s why we need LGBT spaces. We are not straight and can not meet people just any where that will not happen. We are a Minority so chances are that random cute guy you think is hot and will like to get to know is more than likely straight and that’s reality. I also think like I said before that the community should push for more than hookup Apps, sites and bars. They are absolutely essential but there should be more environments that push for more serious interactions and connecting
winemaker
Here here, here! Meeting quality men who want more than meaningless and unfulfilling hookups or casual encounters without strings attached seem to be almost impossible. Many of us don’t go to bars and clubs as these venues seem to be a waste of time energy and money. Many of us go no line for meeting compatible men but it seems there are no really good ‘gay only’ dating sites devoted to finding long term commitment. Grinder and Tinder aren’t these and are up front about their focus. it would be great if gay men didn’t play so many games and were open to meeting without all the drama and time wasting nonsense
winemaker
Interesting article that applies to so many of us.. When i came out in my mid 20’s I was living in Los Angeles, shy, clumsy and overweight. It was hard and scary. but coming out saved my life . I didn’t have direction in life, was out of work, hung around a bunch of people that looking back were a bunch of straight losers with personality problems. I dumped them, went on a diet and joined a gym to get fit and for the first time in life i was doing something for me and felt free and life was going forward. After many years of dealing with the rude unfriendly men of West Hollywood and trying to meet quality men into more than just sex and ‘gay things’ , I moved to San Francisco thinking a fresh start would be good. Over the years of living here iv’e found many of the the men here are similar to those in West Hollywood, too much drama, attitude, and if you’re not their type, they can be rude and nasty.. Like many of us I’ve had a few short term relationships that didn’t work out for various reasons that left me frustrated after putting it all into each and every one of them, I always gave more than my partner. You’d think guys in their 30’s and 40’s would grow up, be realistic in their expectations,stop playing childish mind games and be adults and act as such and be ready to settle down.. In the long run these men are the ones who end up alone and complain of being lonely and can’t find a quality relationship and very likely they let some potential long term relationships fail Granted there are likely many quality men here, but I often wonder just how do you meet nice quality guys with realistic expectations, no drama, attitude, nice looking but not conceited without going to bars. clubs etc. There are many dating sites for gay men ( sites like grinder, scruff,, tinder and men4men are hookup sites basically) but weeding through them to find the ones with members focused on guys looking for quality serious relationships instead of mindless unfulfilling hookups is challenging and time consuming.
RomanHans
Hmm. I kind of identify and sympathize with you. Yes, the apps are a total time-drain: when guys get too much choice they turn into a**holes, always waiting to see if something better comes along.
However, I don’t understand the attitude problem you get, or the rudeness. Are you focusing on really hot guys? I’m lucky to be attracted by personality rather than looks so I have zero problem meeting men, dating, or having relationships.
Mister P
When I was younger the only lasting relationship I was interested in was with drugs and alcohol.
Now I am pushing 60 clean and sober and the pickings are slim to say the least.
Because of AA and CMA I have managed to cultivate some beautiful friendships and I don’t need to find the “one.”
Joshua333
Don’t worry about it, dying alone won’t be too bad! That’s what I’ve been telling myself and I’m 17.
Aires the Ram
As they say, “you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your Prince”. But that being said, there’s some sage advice in the comments, I’d like to add to it. First off, this guy is 18, he’s not experienced enough in life at all, to even have a clue who HE is, never mind WHAT he wants in life. There’s no way any 18 y/o has the maturity to conduct, and make last, a mature loving relationship. Sure, they’ll “think” they’re in love, perhaps many times over as they move towards 30, but most of the time it is just lust and infatuation.. They have to get hurt and knocked down a few times, to even know what their boundaries are. From these experiences, negative as they may seem at the time, they will develop a sense of self, a “center” if you will, that will guide them in their maturing process. ONLY after they go through these types of things, are they truly ready for “that ONE”, that perhaps will come along. Believe me, you CANNOT go out looking for that “one”, you will just end up kissing more frogs, or toads as some might say. But one commenter or more have eluded to the fact that you do have to put yourself out there. Circulate, go to bars, to parties, to the beach, to events where there’s a bunch of homosexual or bisexual guys gathering. But if you think staying at home behind closed doors searching through Grindr/Growlr/etc etc is going to be the ticket to finding ‘the one’, then you will be lonely for a very long time. As I’ve told younger guys in the past, because I was told by an older guy when I was in my 20’s, “Become the kind of man you want to be, to attract the kind of man you want to have.”
sweetnovember
I think most people ( gays or straight) fall in love with the idea of being in love. Guys specially don’t look for long term relationships. It’s in our DNA, so without someone in the relationship working hard it won’t work. Women are more willing to spend time and energy on their significant other.
ltm29
sad thing is our culture is full of many people who are only interested in sex. but i think there is a small amount of people (myself included) who are romantics – we yearn to grow old with someone and cherish every moment with them. i am 21, but in my few years of dating i’ve only been in one serious relationship, everything else was either a single date or a fling where he was the one who didn’t wanna commit as i didn’t want to climb into his bed straight away
things like tinder, bumble and surge may work but more and more people are turning to these services for a hookup rather than grindr. where’s the dating shows, lgbtqi+ dating events?? not all of us want to have sex!!!
hotdogla
I totally agree. I had this boyfriend that I was madly in love with that somehow would always find the seedy underbelly of anything we did. If we were in a plane, he would end up exchanging numbers and eventually having sex with a flight attendant, if we went to the beach, he’d find the place to get his rocks off. It was everywhere we went there was free sex.
ElPillo
I kep asking myself why I read these articles
jonnimika
In the gay community, more so than the straight one, unless you are a gym rat the chances of finding someone is slim. We can’t all live in chicago, new york, or miami. If you find someone who loves you, you hold on and make it work because once they are gone you may never find another.
Brian
That is a horrible way to look at it. There are plenty of people who are in love, but have terrible relationships and should not be together. Don’t let desperation be your guide when it comes to love.
o.codone
Like most gays I’ve had a series of relationships/boyfriends. The most binding are the closed ones where each partner swears off of outside sexual contacts for the sake of unprotected contact. I’ve never had hotter sex. I’m not on PrEP and would rather have an agreement to keep things closed.