Sometimes when you cast your line in the dating pool, all you get is a catfish. In a recent Reddit discussion on the r/AskGayMen community, guys shared what they’ve done when past hookups didn’t match their profile photos.
The Reddit user who started the discussion said he didn’t even engage with the other person. “Happened to me and I didn’t answer the door!” he said.
In the comments, someone else said that when he was 25, he arranged to meet someone who said they were 32. “I went to the location outside his place and saw [he was] clearly over 50,” that user wrote. “I immediately thought, if he’s going to lie about something so obvious, what else has he lied about? I just walked past him as if he wasn’t the guy I was supposed to meet, made a U-turn sometime later, and walked back to my car and left. He then sent a message, something like ‘I guess I wasn’t up to your standards.’ I played dumb and said, ‘Nope, I didn’t see you there. There was just some other older guy there, so I left.’ He offered a new meetup, but I said the trust was gone since he didn’t show up.”
“As far as I know, this is unfortunate but doesn’t really put me in any legal jeopardy. Am I missing anything important?”
Other commenters said they tried to stick it out.
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“Met a guy while I was in grad school for a drink,” one person wrote. “He sent a few pics and we set a time and place. I arrived early (I’m very anal about time keeping) and ordered a martini while I waited for a while. I noticed this guy was staring at me but thought nothing of it. After fifteen minutes, he came over and asked if I was [screenname]. I replied that I was, and he said he was [screenname]. We chatted for a bit, and then I left—there was no chemistry, and he was just too pushy for sex for me to be interested.”
Another Reddit user said he got catfished by the same guy three times. “F*cked him the first two times,” he wrote. “The third time, I said no and told him why.”
A different commenter recalled walking a mile in the rain to meet a bloke who turned to be more than twice the age he claimed to be. “I made a quick decision that I might at least take a blowjob since I didn’t feel like walking a mile home again in the rain for nothing,” the commenter wrote. “Hated myself afterward, still do. Next time that happens, I’m just walking away.”
“For a while, I had an addiction catfishing straight guys for nudes, but now I see what a terrible person I am.”
In an r/askgaybros thread from last year, former catfishes shared their side of the story, explaining why they hid their true identity.
“It was during a time when I had very low self-esteem,” one wrote. “While doing it, I felt good, I loved the attention I was receiving, [and] I felt like it was directed at me.”
Another person wrote: “As a young black guy in the South, I noticed I was getting 0 attention. Plus, my self-esteem was tanking fast. So, I used a few pics I ripped off an InstaGays account. My account went from maybe 5 messages to literally hundreds of guys. … . I mean, holy crap. Like, this is what it felt like to be seen. Or wanted. Or desired.”
Sexual racism is, unfortunately, still a problem in the gay dating world, as are all sorts of biases and prejudices. (A few posts in the first Reddit thread expressed a preference for “fit” guys, for example.)
So while it’s never good to lie to a dating-app match, perhaps we can work to deconstruct the reasons people are dishonest — and lead with empathy next time we spot a catfish in the wild.
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I think it depends how significant the difference is. If the photos showed shoulder length hair and you meet and he’s since trimmed it to a shorter length; no big deal.
If he shows a photo of him when he was 25 (or another 25yo) and when you meet you realise he’s 50 and looks nothing like the photo; you don’t go through with it. Same when it’s the other way too; if he shows you a photo of an attractive 32yo and when you meet he’s used a photo of his uncle and he’s actually 21; you don’t go through with it.
Even if the real him is hotter than the photo(s) he shared, you still don’t go through with it (if the difference is significant) because he’s clearly misrepresented himself. Whereas a hair cut isn’t really a misrepresentation (in my opinion).
So much better to see who people really are, instead of the filtered idealised version of themselves that they present through carefully chosen pictures and intentionally flattering self-descriptions.
The catfishers who blame low self-esteem for posting fake pictures of themselves are ridiculous. “It felt so good to get attention and messages.” Uh, hello, YOU weren’t getting any attention – the fake pictures were! 99% of guys don’t look like their posted photos, even if it is them in the photo. They post that ONE picture that makes them look their best or they’re flexing every muscle they have but reality doesn’t live up to it. The problem is wanting and judging people only for how they look, which is the absolute norm in the gay world. Everyone wants a 10, even if they’re a 2.
You’re right, but can you really blame them? I did the same thing a few years ago on a dating site. I posted a photo of a supermodel I’d taken online. Before I posted the photo, I’d had 4 or 5 hits (not even messages)…. and after just a few minutes, I’d had almost 50… I stopped counting. Of course, I never followed up any of these messages and deleted them all. I also deleted the photo in question, and put back my real photos. Everything went back to normal pretty quickly, but it made me realize that dating sites really aren’t for me – in fact, I’ve never met anyone on a dating site or app. The few times I’ve met someone, it’s been in a bar or at a friend’s house, and I’m very happy about that. I’ve met some very nice and interesting people.
The person who went through with it after being catfished ruin it for all of us by rewarding bad behavior. I once went miles out of my way to stop at a hotel to meet a guy I had been talking to. The man who opened the door was morbidly obese and 30 years older than he said. He looked nothing like his pics which were obviously not him. When I said I am not doing this, he said well you are all ready here so you might as well let me blow you. I just said, yeah, no.
You and I must have been hooked in by the same guy.
He even used the same line, “Since you’re here, let me blow you”.
Like you, I said goodbye quickly.
Hooked up with this guy who said he was packing 9+ inches. Told me all that he was going to do to me. Now this was before cell phone pics and web cams were a new thing. So he shows up and we start fooling around my hand goes into his shorts and he was not 9 maybe 6. Was worked up so we still had sex. Couple of days later he msgs me and asks when we can hook up again. I told him when he finds his missing 3 inches.
Actually, I strongly disagree. Of course, everyone tries to put their best photos out there. But I put tonnes of very honest details in my profiles (not that most people bother reading them). But I do fudge on my age. And I don’t like doing that, but if I didn’t, I would probably be filtered out of 90% of my matches. Yes, it can create an awkward moment on a third date when at some point you have to admit that you are in fact way older than you look, but hopefully by that point you have enough of a connection that they realise that in this case age really is just a number – and it is your perspective and, yes, your appearance, that count.
Like everyone else, I have met up with plenty of guys who looked nothing like their pics, or who had lied about other things – several times now, guys who were dishonest about their nationality, for example. In my case, at least what you see is indeed what you get, even if my birth year doesn’t meet your filter criteria.
Hilarious and hypocritical seeing what some guys will get upset about while condemning lesbians as bigots when they complain about their date showing up with a penis.
@Bosch
I’ll take it on faith that you honestly don’t know what’s going on and not just being a troll, so I’ll explain.
Lesbians are constantly on Twitter complaining how the dating apps won’t allow them to specify actual women. (Just the way guys can no longer put ‘no femmes, fatties, etc.” in their dating profile).
But not being able to specify sex has consequences for lesbians.
And maybe you don’t know this, but those heterosexual guys who decide that they’re transwomen are not at all like those harmless feminine transsexuals we know from gay bars who are dysphoric from childhood and usually want to transition, find a man and live happily ever after.
The straight guys who declare themselves to be lesbians are a whole different breed. They do not have the atypical brain structures in the area of gender like male-attracted transwomen (and also gay men, it appears from the latest study). That should be obvious to anyone as, like Rachel Levine, they are seldom feminine at all. These are males who lead successful lives as men, are often athletes, war heroes, successful businessmen and often don’t transition until midlife. They are seldom part of the LGBT movement – many are Republicans just Caitlin Jenner. They are most often diagnosed with autogynephilia. That is a paraphilia (disorder) where a straight man is sexually aroused by the thought of himself as a woman. Many of these guys start out as secret cross-dressers who get off when they cross-dress who progress to transvestites) . I’ve seen them call their erections they get from women’s clothing “euphoria boners.” Some of them post photos and videos of themselves inside women’s restrooms (where they will have to use the stall to masturbate). Of those AGP transwomen who wind up in prison, 60% of the autogynephiliacs are there for sex offenses (as opposed to 10% of other men).
Dana Rivers, an AGP transwoman and well-known activist, was convicted just last week of murdering two lesbians and their son in San Jose. (Horrifically, Rivers will be serving her life sentence for murdering women in a WOMEN’S prison). You can read about her in the Advocate.
Surely you’ve read about Harvey Marcelin, an AGP transwomen after murdering two women was living a gay retirement home and at age 83 murdered and beheaded a THIRD woman last year. Lesbians catalog the crimes of AGPs in a newsletter called Reduxx – which falls on deaf ears in the LGBTQIA+ community which dismissed lesbians as TERFs.
So certainly you can understand why having a biological male with issues showing up for a date is a serious concern for lesbians. Just look at how Lia Thomas towered over her swim teammates and had no shame parading her penis in the women’s locker room. I hear gay men complain about transmen, but however you feel about vaginas, no male bodied gay man has anything to fear from transmen.
This goes back to the days of personal ads in the Advocate ( rememeber that gay rag from years ago) and locally the Sentinel or the San Francisco Bay Times when you were tired of the bars and wanted to meet someone without wasting time and money on drinks or just tired of meeting flakes and loosers. You placed a personal ad or responded to a personal ad rhat looked good. You were honest about yourself, what you looked like and your interests and got responses that soiunded good. You contacted the men, talked and if the vibes were right, made a date to meet for coffee or a drink to see what might happen. How many times did the person not look anything like their description in their personal ad or in their response to your ad or worse, stood you up and never showed? it never ceases to amaze me that the idea of a personal ad is to meet somebody so why lie about your looks or interests? Sadly there are still so called adults that act like high schoolers thinking it’s ok to waste time and play games with peopels emotions and time..
“Sexual racism is, unfortunately, still a problem in the gay dating world, as are all sorts of biases and prejudices. (A few posts in the first Reddit thread expressed a preference for “fit” guys, for example.)”
A preference for “fit” guys! That’s downright evil. As we all know, every good-looking “fit” guy has a moral obligation to have sex with at least one fatty per month, or else you’re just a bad person. I’m sure the entire staff of Queerty follows this rule!
I once had a guy get pissed at me because in my pics I had a beard when we met i didn’t. It wasn’t even a beard, more like long stubble. I wasn’t trying to catfish, but my facial hair changes so often I didn’t even think about what is in my pics. Sorry.
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Louis
I think it depends how significant the difference is. If the photos showed shoulder length hair and you meet and he’s since trimmed it to a shorter length; no big deal.
If he shows a photo of him when he was 25 (or another 25yo) and when you meet you realise he’s 50 and looks nothing like the photo; you don’t go through with it. Same when it’s the other way too; if he shows you a photo of an attractive 32yo and when you meet he’s used a photo of his uncle and he’s actually 21; you don’t go through with it.
Even if the real him is hotter than the photo(s) he shared, you still don’t go through with it (if the difference is significant) because he’s clearly misrepresented himself. Whereas a hair cut isn’t really a misrepresentation (in my opinion).
JClark
Here’s an idea . . . Go to a bar or other venue where gay people congregate, and meet someone in person.
Capawok
WOW.
Now that is a novel idea.
Who knew ?
Bosch
So much better to see who people really are, instead of the filtered idealised version of themselves that they present through carefully chosen pictures and intentionally flattering self-descriptions.
Leo
What a novel idea. I’m with you there.
Old school may still be best and safest.
ScottOnEarth
The catfishers who blame low self-esteem for posting fake pictures of themselves are ridiculous. “It felt so good to get attention and messages.” Uh, hello, YOU weren’t getting any attention – the fake pictures were! 99% of guys don’t look like their posted photos, even if it is them in the photo. They post that ONE picture that makes them look their best or they’re flexing every muscle they have but reality doesn’t live up to it. The problem is wanting and judging people only for how they look, which is the absolute norm in the gay world. Everyone wants a 10, even if they’re a 2.
Stefano
You’re right, but can you really blame them? I did the same thing a few years ago on a dating site. I posted a photo of a supermodel I’d taken online. Before I posted the photo, I’d had 4 or 5 hits (not even messages)…. and after just a few minutes, I’d had almost 50… I stopped counting. Of course, I never followed up any of these messages and deleted them all. I also deleted the photo in question, and put back my real photos. Everything went back to normal pretty quickly, but it made me realize that dating sites really aren’t for me – in fact, I’ve never met anyone on a dating site or app. The few times I’ve met someone, it’s been in a bar or at a friend’s house, and I’m very happy about that. I’ve met some very nice and interesting people.
charlietex
The person who went through with it after being catfished ruin it for all of us by rewarding bad behavior. I once went miles out of my way to stop at a hotel to meet a guy I had been talking to. The man who opened the door was morbidly obese and 30 years older than he said. He looked nothing like his pics which were obviously not him. When I said I am not doing this, he said well you are all ready here so you might as well let me blow you. I just said, yeah, no.
Rambeaux
You and I must have been hooked in by the same guy.
He even used the same line, “Since you’re here, let me blow you”.
Like you, I said goodbye quickly.
Darson
Hooked up with this guy who said he was packing 9+ inches. Told me all that he was going to do to me. Now this was before cell phone pics and web cams were a new thing. So he shows up and we start fooling around my hand goes into his shorts and he was not 9 maybe 6. Was worked up so we still had sex. Couple of days later he msgs me and asks when we can hook up again. I told him when he finds his missing 3 inches.
charlietex
Lol. Good comeback
Bosch
Did… did he find them?
Bosch
Huge red flag; this isn’t going to be their only lie.
DavidIntl
Actually, I strongly disagree. Of course, everyone tries to put their best photos out there. But I put tonnes of very honest details in my profiles (not that most people bother reading them). But I do fudge on my age. And I don’t like doing that, but if I didn’t, I would probably be filtered out of 90% of my matches. Yes, it can create an awkward moment on a third date when at some point you have to admit that you are in fact way older than you look, but hopefully by that point you have enough of a connection that they realise that in this case age really is just a number – and it is your perspective and, yes, your appearance, that count.
Like everyone else, I have met up with plenty of guys who looked nothing like their pics, or who had lied about other things – several times now, guys who were dishonest about their nationality, for example. In my case, at least what you see is indeed what you get, even if my birth year doesn’t meet your filter criteria.
inbama
Hilarious and hypocritical seeing what some guys will get upset about while condemning lesbians as bigots when they complain about their date showing up with a penis.
Bosch
Yeah, those people you just made up are terrible!
inbama
@Bosch
I’ll take it on faith that you honestly don’t know what’s going on and not just being a troll, so I’ll explain.
Lesbians are constantly on Twitter complaining how the dating apps won’t allow them to specify actual women. (Just the way guys can no longer put ‘no femmes, fatties, etc.” in their dating profile).
But not being able to specify sex has consequences for lesbians.
And maybe you don’t know this, but those heterosexual guys who decide that they’re transwomen are not at all like those harmless feminine transsexuals we know from gay bars who are dysphoric from childhood and usually want to transition, find a man and live happily ever after.
The straight guys who declare themselves to be lesbians are a whole different breed. They do not have the atypical brain structures in the area of gender like male-attracted transwomen (and also gay men, it appears from the latest study). That should be obvious to anyone as, like Rachel Levine, they are seldom feminine at all. These are males who lead successful lives as men, are often athletes, war heroes, successful businessmen and often don’t transition until midlife. They are seldom part of the LGBT movement – many are Republicans just Caitlin Jenner. They are most often diagnosed with autogynephilia. That is a paraphilia (disorder) where a straight man is sexually aroused by the thought of himself as a woman. Many of these guys start out as secret cross-dressers who get off when they cross-dress who progress to transvestites) . I’ve seen them call their erections they get from women’s clothing “euphoria boners.” Some of them post photos and videos of themselves inside women’s restrooms (where they will have to use the stall to masturbate). Of those AGP transwomen who wind up in prison, 60% of the autogynephiliacs are there for sex offenses (as opposed to 10% of other men).
Dana Rivers, an AGP transwoman and well-known activist, was convicted just last week of murdering two lesbians and their son in San Jose. (Horrifically, Rivers will be serving her life sentence for murdering women in a WOMEN’S prison). You can read about her in the Advocate.
Surely you’ve read about Harvey Marcelin, an AGP transwomen after murdering two women was living a gay retirement home and at age 83 murdered and beheaded a THIRD woman last year. Lesbians catalog the crimes of AGPs in a newsletter called Reduxx – which falls on deaf ears in the LGBTQIA+ community which dismissed lesbians as TERFs.
So certainly you can understand why having a biological male with issues showing up for a date is a serious concern for lesbians. Just look at how Lia Thomas towered over her swim teammates and had no shame parading her penis in the women’s locker room. I hear gay men complain about transmen, but however you feel about vaginas, no male bodied gay man has anything to fear from transmen.
Click to Edit –
winemaker
This goes back to the days of personal ads in the Advocate ( rememeber that gay rag from years ago) and locally the Sentinel or the San Francisco Bay Times when you were tired of the bars and wanted to meet someone without wasting time and money on drinks or just tired of meeting flakes and loosers. You placed a personal ad or responded to a personal ad rhat looked good. You were honest about yourself, what you looked like and your interests and got responses that soiunded good. You contacted the men, talked and if the vibes were right, made a date to meet for coffee or a drink to see what might happen. How many times did the person not look anything like their description in their personal ad or in their response to your ad or worse, stood you up and never showed? it never ceases to amaze me that the idea of a personal ad is to meet somebody so why lie about your looks or interests? Sadly there are still so called adults that act like high schoolers thinking it’s ok to waste time and play games with peopels emotions and time..
still_onthemark
“Sexual racism is, unfortunately, still a problem in the gay dating world, as are all sorts of biases and prejudices. (A few posts in the first Reddit thread expressed a preference for “fit” guys, for example.)”
A preference for “fit” guys! That’s downright evil. As we all know, every good-looking “fit” guy has a moral obligation to have sex with at least one fatty per month, or else you’re just a bad person. I’m sure the entire staff of Queerty follows this rule!
jow
I once had a guy get pissed at me because in my pics I had a beard when we met i didn’t. It wasn’t even a beard, more like long stubble. I wasn’t trying to catfish, but my facial hair changes so often I didn’t even think about what is in my pics. Sorry.