A woman who has spent 28 years with her husband has appealed to sexpert Ashley Cobb for help after discovering his butt plug and extramarital affairs. She really wants to know if her husband is gay.
“Dear Ashley,” writes the woman, identified only as “Mrs. Confused.” “I have been married for 28 years. My husband has been suffering from erectile dysfunction or so he claims, we haven’t had sex in three years. I recently found out he is has been having sex with trans women. So now I’m confused. He says, he isn’t gay. I kicked him out and found tons of condom wrappers, lubes, and anal plugs. Should I give him another chance or is he really gay?”
Leave it to Ashley to come up with some thoughtful–if pointed–advice.
“Dear Mrs. Confused,” Ashley replies. “For starters, if you are writing in asking if you should stay, you really want to stay. And that’s ok. I’m not married, you made vows with your husband if you want to stay, then stay. But know this, your husband enjoys having sex with women who have penises. The bigger question here is are you ok with your husband engaging in sexual relationships outside of your marriage? And are you okay with those relationships being with someone who has a penis? If the answer to either of these questions is no, then it may be time to reevaluate your marriage.”
Related: A woman suspects her husband is secretly gay. Should she stay or go?
“Did you ask your husband what attracts him to trans women?” Ashley continues. “Maybe he enjoys being penetrated. Is this something you are open to exploring with him? Wearing a strap-on could be an alternative. Also, has he ever talked to you about using anal plugs on him before you found them? I don’t know the extent of your relationship but it’s a good chance your husband did not feel 100% comfortable sharing his sexual desires with you and that is another problem.”
“I envision marriages to be a safe space for both me and my spouse to share our desires, fantasies and secrets without judgment,” Ashley then writes. “I want my spouse to feel safe enough to talk about any and all sexual desires, even the ones that don’t appeal to me. I want to hold space for them to share with me knowing that together we will come up with a solution that works for both of us.”
“If you want to keep your marriage I strongly suggest seeking therapy,” she finally suggests, “preferably a sex therapist. A sex therapist can help you both navigate this in a healthy way. In addition to the other issues going on, the fact still remains your husband lied and is a cheater. Trust that took 28 years to build has been broken and it will take professional help to get it back.”
“Hope this helps!” Ashley then adds.
We think it’s sound advice.
Donston
It would really be nice when people stop using the word “gay” as an attack or something accusatory. Even many out “queers” do this.
In my early twenties I had a brief “affair” with my boss who claimed he could only get hard for trans women at that point in his life. But he claimed that he’d rather legit be with a cis male or cis female. He was also going through the process of getting a divorce from his cis wife. It was apparent that she could no longer put up with his erectile issues, his erratic behaviors, his self-destructive instincts and his drug dependence. The latter three things is also why I eventually stopped messing with him. However, as far as I know he never cheated on his wife or on me.
If this woman is looking to get some grasp on her husband’s sexuality and looking for him to be thoroughly honest then she’s got to move past the “labels”. Sexuality is a bunch of different things (the types and rates of attraction, arousal, desire, passion, fetish, paraphiliacs, fluidity, who you like pleasing, the overall rate of someone’s sex drive). Then, there’s the gender, romantic, sexual, affection, emotional, commitment spectrum. Those are the things she needs to try to breakdown with him, as well as potential issues with internalized phobias, traumas and/or mental health. The cheating is a whole other issue.
Honestly, we almost never know enough about these people and their relationships to draw any real conclusions. We don’t even know if these are real people and situations.
Kangol2
Okay–I agree with the substance of what you’re saying. But I was fascinated by your anecdote. So you had the “affair” with your boss after he left his wife? Or was on break or separated from her? And you’re a cis man, right, but he was having the affair with you despite being attracted primarily at that point to trans women? I’m asking out of interest and because I’m somewhat confused. But as I said, I do get the larger gist of what you’re saying.
Donston
Okay, you want the tea? I’ll give you the full pot.
Yes, I am a cis male and I’m black, though you probably know that. The dude I’m talking about was white and in his early 40s. I was 21-22 around this time. My daughter was around a year old, and I was working at a grocery store. I had only been “out” for about a year.
So, this dude came in the store one day. I rang him out. He told me I behaved professionally, gave me his email and said he’d get me a job working a hospital cafeteria. He came off as rather “queer-ish”. So, I thought he wanted to “talk” to me. However, he got me the job, and throughout the first six months of us working together he never hit on me. He did sometimes talk about how much he admired my confidence and the way I dressed and the way I was just myself. He would also talk about how he grew up in a small town and how there were no “masculine” guys who were unabashedly into dudes. So, I still knew something was up with him.
After about six months he told me he was separating from his wife and that we should hang out. We went to a bar and drank and then we hooked up in his car, mutual blowjobs. But he had to look at trans porn on his phone to get hard. Later, he told me that despite having attractions and affections to a variety of people, only trans porn could get him hard and that he hadn’t had sex with his wife in almost two years. He talked about experiencing a lot of confusions and fluidity, though he didn’t use the word fluidity because hardly anyone was at the time.
We hooked up a handful of times after that and talked on the phone. I fvcked him most of the time. But sometimes I’d want to suck his dick, which would require him looking at trans porn. I was pretty much his fvck buddy and a free therapist for a few months. At the time I was inherently homosexual. But I was fine with his dimensions. However, people at work began to suspect something was going on between us, and he became insecure. He started randomly hitting on female co-workers to “prove” that he wasn’t “gay”. He drank, popped pills and smoked weed everyday (mind you, he was a manager at a hospital). And I sensed that he might be too into “very young girls”, if you know what I mean. I that shit was too much. So, I broke it off. And about a week after that I quit the job. His wife did go through with the divorce, and he moved out of state soon after I quit.
I’ve had a handful of “interesting” relationships and experiences. I’ve done the academic and conversational research throughout the years, have my own internal experiences, and my experiences with damn dudes. So, this n*gga right here knows what he’s talking about.
Cam
The question isn’t whether or not he is gay, it’s that he hasn’t slept with her for 3 years and has been cheating on her with multiple people.
Not sure how the “Is he gay” question became what she’s most worried about. Seems like she is avoiding the real issue. Which seems to be, her husband isn’t into her, is lying to her, is cheating on her, etc.
SinthiaDoom
Well now. This really calls the entire sexuality, gender, marriage vows. Quite a busy couple. Well not all trans ????? women have penis’s but I digress. Whom the husband is attracted to is one track. All the cheating (evidence = lube, condom wrappers etc) is another problem. As a trans woman I think we are the least of the her worries. STDs, lying, trust etc would be my worries. Gay or not he is definitely not your average cis heteronormative hubby that’s for sure
MrMichaelJ
I’ve hung out with my fair share of trans women and when the men who chase them aren’t chasing them they are chasing women and not men.
Donston
Once again, all your posts are either basic as hell or hetero/“straight” obsessed. While this dude is clearly having issues getting it up for cis women. So, your simplistic viewpoint doesn’t match up here.