Reality Check

10 Things I Learned About Finding True Love from Watching The Bachelorette

There comes a time in every single gay guy’s life when he’ll be faced with the heart-wrenching decision of having to choose between twenty five handsome, successful, charming, well-adjusted, emotionally available bachelors, all vying for our hand in marriage. When it’s my turn, how the hell will I know if he’s the one!? Luckily, when navigating through lust at first sight and premature marriage proposals, I can turn to reality TV. The seventh season of the ABC’s The Bachelorette has come to an end, and Ashley Herbert found her match with JP, my personal favorite from the very beginning (but only because I have thing for Jewish guys). The couple is still together after almost a month, which in Bachelor/ette terms, is deserving of at least sharing each other’s STD test results. And all it took was two reality shows, three contestants choosing to leave of their own accord, one hospitalization, someone getting blackout drunk on the first night, a guy in a creepy mask, a two-faced attention whore, a non-stop tour of Southeast Asia, being called unattractive on national television, and someone coming back—twice! “It was all worth it,” Ashley said as JP put a ring on it. In the end, there were even some leftovers for Jennifer Love Hewitt. Who says modern romance is over? Here are the ten most valuable lessons I learned about finding true love from watching this season of The Bachelorette (plus shirtless pics of all the hot contestants):
1. If At First You Don’t Succeed: Ashley was a former contestant on The Bachelor with Brad Womack (pictured shirtless here). The two-time Bachelor ended up proposing to the blonde bombshell (surprise!) but they broke up (double surprise!).
Still, it took Ash 25 potential rebounds to recover from getting dumped by a stud the size of Womack. Her insecurities about being a “normal girl” made her more vulnerable to her own suitors who couldn’t believe all they had to do for their 15 minutes of fame was pretend to like her.
2. Play The Game: Right from the beginning, there was an obvious connection between Ashley and future fiance JP (pictured shirtless), but having been through it all once before made Ashley a good team player. She knew better than to stick all her roses in one vase, so flirting, teasingand making out with all the guys equally was a must. She kept leading them on with extravagant, all-expenses-paid, once-in-a-lifetime “dates” across Asia. Because there’s no better way of saying “I love you” than a vespa ride through Taiwan’s Taroko National Park.
3. Don’t Follow Your Gut: Throughout the show, Ashley had to keep reminding herself to go with her heart, not her brain. And it’s not like the producers were about to prevent this love fool from falling for “the most hated man on television,” Bentley Williams (pictured shirtless).
Ashley got beat at her own dating game when the sweet-talking, two-faced Bentley pretended to be into her. He then trashed her behind her back and left her abruptly. Ashley, normal girl that she is, kept obsessing over “the dot, dot, dot,”—a.k.a. what could have been—for half the season.

Fortunately, she regained some  dignity when Bentley came back on the show and met her in Hong Kong to extend his 15 minutes of fame by telling her he was really just not that into her. “You had to come all the way here to tell me that?” Ashley questioned. “You should have called.”  

4. Know When To Let Go: Bentley was’nt the only contestant to say sayonara to our tragic normal girl. After Ashley confessed to the rest of the crew that she had been fawning over Bentley even after he had ditched her, the guys began questioning her character and having second thoughts. Mickey (pictured shirtless) voluntarily left that night, proving that love is a two-way street. “I’m not cut out for this,” became Ashley’s teary slogan throughout the season.

Later, Constantine also decided to check out early, citing a lack of connection. Which was a total mood kill since he was Ashley’s “physical ideal” (think a Greek George of the Jungle), and left right before their overnight date in the fantasy suite, a.k.a. the sexual equivalent of a test drive. Ouch!

5. Don’t Take Any Chances: With 25 guys willing to go on a reality show, you’re bound to encounter more than a couple of dicks. William (pictured shirtless) was first singled out as a douchebag when he decided to fuck with Ashley’s weak spot: playing second fiddle to the blond bombshell that originally beat her on The Bachelor.

And his bad-boy behavior did not stop there. Later, he told Ashley that fellow contestant Ben C. had been considering joining dating sites. Insecure Ashley decided her heart was too brittle to take any chances so she dismissed Ben C. right on the spot. Nothing can justify an eHarmony account.

William’s sleazy grin didn’t last very long, though; he was dumped later that evening, but producers rewarded his backstabbing personality by asking him to join Bachelor Pad: ABC’s spin-off response to Jersey Shore.

6. Have Him Fight For You (Literally): As the season progressed, Ashley got serious about finding her true love and lifelong partner. So of course, she had to see the contestants shirtless, and sweaty, and beating the shit out of each other in a testosterone-fueled Thai kickboxing match.

Mickey (shirtless left) made it out of the ring in one hunk, but Ames (shirtless right) was not as adequate using his pumped-up biceps. He got a concussion and had to be hospitalized. He returned shortly and continued vying for Ashley’s affections, but he was forever more a little bit… slower.

7. Sometimes Hot, Rich And Nice Just Isn’t Enough: By far the biggest frustration with modern dating is meeting a really hot guy who is a successful executive with a big heart who’s willing to fly halfway around the world to see you again—and realizing you’re just blah about him. Ashley seemed to have more fun talking to a piece of white bread than going on a date with Ryan (pictured shirtless). The overeager contestant was kicked off but flew back to Fiji just to make sure Ashley didn’t have any regrets. She didn’t. Some people just prefer a Dark Knight over a Captain America.

8. Don’t Listen To Your Bitch Sister: After getting quite serious with JP (pictured shirtless), Ashley brought him to meet her family. Everyone fell for JP’s dimples and his down-to-earth stance. Well, everyone but for Ashley’s bitter, bitch sister (Ashley’s words, not mine), who seemed to be going out of her way to cause drama. Which is quite unusual for people to do in reality TV. Luckily, Ashley decided to ignore her sister’s disapproval because at the end of the day, finding a husband is more important than indulging sibling schadenfreude. 
9. Don’t Sugarcoat Breaking His Heart: Normal girl Ashley kept Ben F. around until she was 165% sure  JP was going to seal the deal. Safe? Yes. Necessary? Maybe. Unfair? Of course. Shitty? That’s love. Ben F. (pictured shirtless) even got down on one knee. Ashley could have easily stopped him before he made a total fool out of himself on national television, but she decided to listen to his entire proposal (and check out the ring, of course) before finally saying, “um, next.” Ben then walked away all awkward as Ashley spat out vague, half-felt compliments. “I don’t need you to sugarcoat this,” Ben stopped her in her tracks. Why can’t we still be friends with a guy you once dated but don’t intend to ever marry? Whatever happened to ending on good terms? “Good things don’t end unless they end badly,” Ben explained.

10. What Goes Around Comes Around: Finding love is all about making choices and lowering your expectations. At the end of the studio-lit sunset, life goes on. And in reality TV, one Bachelor‘s sloppy seconds is the next guy’s claim to fame. Ashley’s exes William, Blake, and Ames (pictured shirtless) are currently swapping spit with former female contestants on Bachelor Pad. Ben F. is rumored to star as the next Bachelor. Hope still exists that they, too, will find love for a lifetime—or at least long enough to land on the cover of US Weekly.

Now I know it’s till death or Dancing with the Stars do us part.

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15 Comments*

  • wtf

    What a bunch of douchebag whores.

  • phallus

    Ya think? Wish Bravo would bring back Boy meets Boy or the reality show where the woman had to pick between 3 guys, one or two may be gay. That’s real reality. 🙂

  • Thomas

    What about a lesbian show for the ladies? Or is that The L Word?

  • Bootsiegee

    I am sorry but what in the world is a recap of The Bachelorette doing on Queerty. Please don’t say it is to look at shirtless men, there are other sites that do it much better. This show panders to straigh America’s stupidity with it’s contrived “dates” and totally manipulated drama. Not only have they never cast a minoirity, they have a terrible track record when it comes to successful relationships. I think two marriages after 22 seasons. Come on Queerty you can do better.

  • Tony

    @Bootsiegee:

    “This show panders to straigh America’s stupidity with it’s contrived “dates” and totally manipulated drama. ”

    Yep because GAYS just hate that.

    BTW, you couldn’t pay me to watch this show.

  • alan Balehead

    this show is so crap!!! equal rights now!

  • STudent

    I hate how freaking white that show is. I don’t think a single person of color has been on the show for multiple seasons

  • Alex Sarmiento

    There hasn’t even been a Bachelor or Bachelorette who wasn’t white. Not even a biracial one. It’s the most “straight white people” show on television… apart from American Idol.

  • Guillermo3

    JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT OVER-PUMPED HUNKS ARE LIKE THIS STORY:BORING!!

  • MikeE

    this article was VERY funny with the leitmotif of “(pictured shirtless)”… I chuckled every time.
    because, come on, other than seeing the dudes shirtless, why bother watching this show?

  • Scott

    I watch every episode because I believe in the sanctity of marriage.

  • Meowzer

    @phallus:
    I LOVED that show!! That’s one I wish would come back.

  • Brooks Shankles

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  • Brady Halgas

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  • Luba Jessamy

    Thank you for this interesting article. i have been stucked in londen because of the ash cloud

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