• Latest
  • Life
  • Entertainment
  • Politics
  • Queerties
Queerty* Queerty* Pride
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • YouTube
  • newsletter
  • Menu
Close
Queerty*
  • Log in
  • Register
  • The Queerties 2021
  • Life
  • Entertainment
  • Politics
  • Goods
  • Queerty Podcast
  • Video (Queerty TV)
  • Queerty Ever After
  • Dragaholic
  • Prepared
  • Health
  • LGBTQ Nation News
  • GayCities Travel Guides
  • Share a Tip
FIRESIDE CHATS

What Horrible Things Happened On A-List: New York Last Night?

By Daniel Villarreal October 18, 2010 at 9:10pm · 24 comments

Every Monday night we get together for the orgy of feigned interest that is The A-List: New York. Having already explored the show’s racial ineptitude (blacks = “the help”) and political tone-deafness (ie. Yes Ann Coulter, we all are affluent, white, closet Republicans), we move onto the 3rd episode wondering why grown men would humiliate themselves on camera under the pretense of parlaying this gay witch abortion into a career. Oh, that’s right: the money (buttvomits onto rainbow American flag).

But first a quick recap: You have missed nothing. Nothing at all.

OK, just kidding (but barely): Even though insatiable bottom Reichen just moved in with his subtitled piece of man-candy Rodiney, unrefined she-slut Austin still wants to pop it in Reichen’s pooper. But Derek the toxic tanorexic is all like “Nuh-uh, girl.” Meanwhile, TJ, Ryan and Mike pretend to have lives. FIN.

BTW, as a punishment for making it to all the way to episode 3, here’s a NSWF picture of Austin’s butt. Now you can join the countless whordes who have seen it. But be careful — stare too long and you might catch optical chlamydia.

NOTE: E-list party promoter and NYC-based DJ Robert Maril (aka DJ Executive Realness) joins Queerty contributor Daniel Villarreal in taking on the fakeness in this reality TV hell.

 

 

9:03 PM CST – The episode starts with Austin taking his first limo ride to glamorous JFK airport. There he kisses his on again off again “boyfriend of two years” Jake. Wait… TWO YEARS?!!! Wasn’t he all up on Reichen’s hump just last week?

Yeah, “boyfriend”… uh-huh. He probably picked up his boyfriend in the airport bathroom moments after stepping out of the limo. Jake is from Britain and like Rodiney LOGO has decided to subtitle him, but unlike Rodiney, Jake actually needs subtitles. He and Ryan say “I love you” to each other during the car ride back, but what they probably meant was “I love you for traveling 8 hours over the Atlantic just to hump me.”

9:07 PM CST – At brunch (every episode must have at least eight brunch scenes), Derek admits that he said a bunch of stupid crap back when he was Austin’s age (25 years ago); sadly he hasn’t stopped. Ryan agrees to take Austin on as a pet project to teach him manners, kinda like Professor Higgins agreeing to make a lady of the local crackwhore. Ryan agree to do some “psychoanalyzation” on Austin and get back to them.

9:10 PM CST – Derek meets a straight female millionaire matchmaker (red flag one, Derek) and NEWS FLASH! Derek has not been in love for OVER A YEAR! That’s hard to believe seeing as Derek is so “young, hot, and successful” (his words, not ours). Derek’s not a gold digger, but he specifies that his lover must be professionally established, from the Hamptons and have Carrie Bradshaw’s 5th Ave. apartment… complete with shoe room.

9:13 PM CST – A commercial shows a kid in a blasted elementary school speaking in a creepy “I just saw my parents get shot” voice. “Maybe the world gets broken so we can fix it… People think we don’t have frontiers anymore. They don’t realize that frontiers are all around us.” Haunting sentiments… until we realize it’s a commercial for fucking Levis.

9:15 PM CST – These commercials teach us gay values: charge cards, luxury cars, and PF Chang’s. Fuck acceptance… WE WANT STUFF!

9:16 PM CST – Austin arrives at Ryan’s house wearing a designer sunglasses and black leggings, to, you know, indicate that he’s been “lifting.” Ryan begins teaching Austin how to speak and ingest arugula like a proper lady. You can tell by the glimmer in Austin’s hungry eyes that he’s only eaten gummy bears for the last 3 days. Dieting’s a bitch, but we wish we had your willpower, gurl! YOU BETTA WERQUE!!!

9:18 PM CST – Does everyone speak with a lisp on this goddamn show? The producers are like, “MORE LISP, BOIIIIS!” During their meeting Austin announces, “Yes, I am with someone I have been with for a while. We have a great relationship,” by which he means is “We never talk, we just fuck.”

9:20 PM CST – Cut to more romantic times on a boat (see episode 1). Austin and Jake visit Fire Island. Meanwhile, we maniacally search the screen for the queens we recognize. Austin and Jake go to buy bathing suits and initially Ryan chooses a horrid purple brief that’s so short that the censors have to blur out his pubes. Then they go to swim in a pool with a large blow up swan.

9:21 PM CST – They start drinking champagne in a hot tub which the Surgeon General totally advises against (especially for gays). It would be so GODDAMNED SAD if Austin got woozy and slipped under and DROWNED. Like mega totes sad. Like Princess Diana sad. Like really.

9:22 PM CST – T.J. makes his first appearance this episode, wearing the required purple v-neck. He visits Reichen’s shoebox with Austin to make fun of EVERY SINGLE THING REICHEN OWNS. How DARE gay people not live in a home from Architectural Digest! Reichen decorates like a straight man because he has a disgusting rug that sheds mangy fluffballs and home furnishings that remind TJ of The Blair Witch Project. Ryan accurately compares Reichen’s apartment to his relationship with Rodiney (like we did last week): “It doesn’t make any damn sense.”

9:28 PM CST – Yet again Austin puts on designer clothes to go “lift” before talking to Reichen. In the background they blur out a woman’s face on the street probably because she requested not to be in this dreck. She was like, “What show? OH, HELL NO. No I do not consent.”

9:30 PM CST – Mike Ruiz shows up for the first time in this episode for a total of five seconds when Rodiney goes in to apply for a modelling position. Rodiney says that he’s 5’11”, but he’s more like 5’9″… or even 4’7″. Are we sniffing glue or are they saying that Rodiney is not hot enough to be a model? Really? Even after he just gave half the gays watching this show a semi just standing around in his ultra tight low-cut briefs?

9:33 PM CST – At the “lift date”, Reichen thinks it’s weird that Austin has just now announced his relationship with London streetmeat even though it has supposedly been going on for the last year and a half. Wait… A YEAR AND A HALF? Earlier Austin said it was “two years”! Austin explains that the only reason he told all of their friends about Reichen’s cock is because trash-talking peoples’ junk is always “good fun.”

9:36 PM CST – Meanwhile, Derek shows up to meet his date from the millionaire matchmaker. Derek says, ” I hope I don’t get a dud, a pedophile, or a creep” — we hope he gets all three. It turns out that his date is just his doppelganger with more hair product. Derek’s like, “Perfect, because I am SO SICK of wiping off that mirror.”

But… SURPRISE. He already went out with his twin twink about a decade and a half ago (in his 30s). And even though the guy’s a handsome millionaire, Derek doesn’t want to settle… for a handsome millionaire.

9:37 PM CST – Commercial inexplicably involving straight white octagenarian travel enthusiasts.

9:39 PM CST – Finally Mike returns for a longer scene with Rodiney. Mike is wearing a shirt that reads “Love Muscle.” Between his hair changes and vanity glasses Mike’s basically in disguise in every shot. Rodiney admits how “hard” his relationship with Reichen is. If this was a porn, Mike and Rodiney would have fucked by the end of this scene.

9:40 PM CST – In the eighth scene of brunch Jake sits back and learns that — SHOCKER — Austin is a slut! Based on the accent we can’t tell if Austin’s boyfriend is Welsh, Scottish, or northern English… let’s place bets! Jake surprises everyone by announcing that he and Austin are engaged. But what’s that you say? Gays can’t get married in New York?!! Oh good, so then it’s a FAKE engagement. And we know that Austin won’t be marrying Jake in England because the country has laws against importing hazardous waste.

9:41 PM CST – Ryan cannot blink in astonishment to Jake’s news because his numerous Botox injections have stretched his eyebrows to the back of his head. TJ says it’s OK for Austin to dish about how much he hates gossipy Derek because “Girls say bad things about other girls; that’s what we do.” UGH! Didn’t Mean Girls teach you bitches anything? Plus all the “girls” in this show have penises.

9:44 PM CST – …and the four gays at brunch continue to completely ignore the food in front of them.

9:47 PM CST – Dear LOGO: gays would only go see the new Saw 3-D movie if it had Samantha from Sex and the City in it.

9:48 PM CST – Thankfully TJ covers his abominable hairdo during his talk about Derek’s failed date. Derek laments that he hasn’t had sex for THE LAST EIGHT MONTHS which makes you a eunuch in gay years. Of course, he’s so busy tanning and waxing that he can’t possibly keep up with a boyfriend. Apparently TJ is Ryan’s front desk girl… which by that measure would make us A-Listers too.

Next, the boys go to a slutty party called Carnival and Reichen immediately gets distracted by a butterface smuggling a machete in his thong. It merely re-proves Riechen’s status as an insatiable whorebottom with a hole as wide as The Chunnel. Sorry, didn’t mean to be nasty, but sometimes “girls say bad things about other girls; that’s what we do.”

9:52 PM CST – In his fourth conversation about Jake, Austin demotes his fiancee to a mere “partner” (like they own a goddamned law firm). Their relationship shrinks more with each mention. Then Reichen drunkenly asks Austin “So, uh, once you’re married, will you ever, uh, fool around with…anyone else?” — because Reichen would like to be the meat in their man-wich if it works out. Reichen then slurs out relationship advice while dripping his old fashioned onto his pant leg. Meanwhile Rodiney (standing merely three feet away) pretends not to notice them flirting.

9:56 PM CST – At the party they blur out Amanda Lepore’s breasts because LOGO HATES TRANSGENDER PEOPLE!!! Where is GLAAD on this one? Amanda Lepore beats Michael Musto as the most believable thing in this episode. Derek hates being at Carnival with stupid Austin, so instead of leaving he decides to spend more money on booze, get shitfaced and kiss a stranger on national television. Good luck finding a million dollar hubby, flooze.

9:58 PM CST – In a teary bedroom scene, both Rodiney and Reichen wake up WITH AMAZING HAIR and wonder why their relationship has gone so wrong. Have they NOT been watching the show? We only hope we look this great when breaking up with someone we love.

Reichen keeps asking for Rodiney for permission to talk while lying shirtless with him in bed (cough, cough… cockslave). Rodiney cannot believe that their relationship is getting this bad… we cannot believe they’re acting as if they have an actual relationship instead of a sham one created for the sole purpose of making people dumber.

BTW, what the eff ever happened to Reichen’s jewelry line? All he has going on now is working out, trying to bone Austin, fighting with Rodiney, and his stupid play we that haven’t heard about since the first episode.

NEXT WEEK: Same as last week… will Austin and Reichen finally frug? Will you still care?

Entertainment A-List: New York Austin Armacost Christopher Willey Derek Lloyd Saathoff Logo Mike Ruiz Reality TV Reichen Lehmkuhl Rodiney Santiago Ryan Nickulas Television
View Comments24

Get Queerty Daily

Subscribe to Queerty for a daily dose of #entertainment #a-list:newyork #austinarmacost stories and more

24 Comments

  • Lucia

    If you guys hate the show so much why are you doing a live blog about it? Maybe not giving it press is the best way to deal with this train wreck of a show.

    October 18, 2010 at 10:10pm
  • Matthew

    I think these guys are hamming it up for the camera, I mean these guys can’t be this egotistical/stupid in real life, can they? Anyways on a lighter note, I would totally break one of my rules and hit and quit Austin-after that he is really completely useless. -Blunt- ^_^

    October 18, 2010 at 10:10pm
  • Devon

    I’d like to thank you for watching this crap so I don’t have to.

    October 18, 2010 at 11:10pm
  • Kieran

    To paraphrase Samuel Johnson: “The gays are very fair people. They rarely speak well of each other.”

    October 18, 2010 at 11:10pm
  • Mike L.

    I got to watch part of an episode at a gf’s house who had logo and omg puke Hahahaha too much drama for this fella.

    I like some of the other show I saw especially BUFFY! OMG I’d get the channel just for that hahaha!!!

    October 19, 2010 at 12:10am
  • jake

    Here’s proof that “it gets better” is a lie.

    Just kidding. This show is just as much a train wreck as the “Real Housewives.”

    October 19, 2010 at 6:10am
  • Joe

    I don’t care what any of you say, I love watching this show. The producers have tapped into the one element that makes for a reality TV success: shadenfreund.

    October 19, 2010 at 6:10am
  • Jeff

    BEST column at Queerty in AGES!

    BRAVA!!

    October 19, 2010 at 7:10am
  • ousslander

    agree with Joe , It might be horrible but I’m guilty .

    October 19, 2010 at 9:10am
  • Stephen Thorn

    Very funny recap of last night’s episode of “The A List”!

    October 19, 2010 at 9:10am
  • A C

    I was actually approached to be in this bullshit fest of a show on 3 occasions back when it was tentatively called: “The Kept Boys of Manhattan” and when I told the producers that my husband of 13 years wanted no part of it, and that the co-op board of my building was probably not going to allow them to shoot at my apt, and that I was afraid to shoot in my country property because I didn’t want people to actually know where that house is located (privacy reasons) they actually told me not to worry, they would provide fake homes for all of us, fake homes, fake cars, fake friends, fake pets, fake husbands, fake lovers, fake lifestyles, fake tans and a script!…. LOL so I turned them down for the 3rd and last time.

    I mean really? By the way, the pay is under 3,000 an episode, I spend that on drinks at the bar in a week. LOL

    October 19, 2010 at 10:10am
  • Jeffree

    Not a fan of the show but the write-ups are the **best** “articles” here on Queerty.
    Thanks, guys! Keep them coming!

    October 19, 2010 at 10:10am
  • Charlie

    hmmmm lisp guys eh? Doesn’t Queerty get all up in arms every single time anyone anywhere says something homophobic?

    And… gay witch abortion?

    October 19, 2010 at 11:10am
  • Cam

    @Matthew:

    The guy was bascially a pass around for the c list set it sounds like. So only if you can get three condoms on should you risk it. It’s sounding like his ass might be the Staten Island Dump.

    October 19, 2010 at 11:10am
  • Jay

    I watch this show just to hate it. That’s what we girls do, you know.

    Oh, and to watch Rodiney who is beautiful, cute, and basically downright, dropdead gorgeous. The rest are just a bunch of boring, Anglo queens, almost all of whom are universally unattractive. Even Reichen of hot bod fame is boring and about as sexual as day old frenchtoast. They’re all horrid. And that includes that modeling “agent” and his female sidekick.

    October 19, 2010 at 11:10am
  • PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS

    What is really truly horrible is this piece of dreck is still on the TVs……..

    October 19, 2010 at 12:10pm
  • Raul

    @Lucia:
    It seems that you know nothing about gay behavior. We love/hate everything.

    October 19, 2010 at 1:10pm
  • Marcus M.

    I’m just really proud of myself for not watching.

    October 19, 2010 at 4:10pm
  • rodrigo

    @ Jay:
    yay! someone that loves Rodiney too! I cant stand how bad Reichen treats him and his beautiful puppy eyes! I can’t stand it.

    I’ll own up to it, I also watch this show- borderline addiction. It makes me laugh and although not representative of the community its better than some other shows

    October 19, 2010 at 4:10pm
  • Gurlzz

    Third week and the ratings are still bad for the show. Bring back NOAH’S ARC!

    October 19, 2010 at 5:10pm
  • Julio

    Rodrigo, I agree with you, Rodiney is very attractive. By his actions, you can tell he’s passive and the bottom in the relationship Reichen. I don’t like this show because the gay men are all mostly feminine. Rodiney is stupid for taking crap off of Reichen. This is one of the things that turn me off about the gay life style, everything centers on sex, looks, and youth. I find Alex O’Loughlin, Eddie Cibrian, Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, Tom Welling, Jared Padalecki, and Jensen Ackles to very sexy and attractive. Sure I would like to have sex with them all, but if I were just dating or in a relationship with just one of these guys, I wouldn’t think about sleeping or having sex with another guy. This doesn’t mean, I would look or fantasize about another attractive man I see in public or on screen. LOL Too many gay men of all races will grow old alone with no children or someone who truly loves them.

    Also, looking at some of Reichen’s photos in his underwear, the guy has a very small penis. I bet Rodiney is packing fully erect, but he’s the bottom. LOL

    I hate the arrogant white Queen Austin. Too many white gay men act as if they are God’s gift to the world or they are the superior race on the planet earth.

    October 19, 2010 at 9:10pm
  • scott ny'er

    @Gurlzz: what are the ratings? link please, i’ve been looking and can’t find it.

    October 19, 2010 at 10:10pm
  • Patty Simcox

    I’m glad to have these recaps. I am actually a Nielsen family but don’t want to contribute to the success of the show.

    October 21, 2010 at 8:10pm
  • kyle-adrian

    Yet another show depicting gays in a negative light. Where are the SMART ones who can actually think beyond fashion and hooking up with a bunch of dudes? The diversity of this show sucks as well, since ONCE AGAIN the only gays who seem to exist in this world are skinny white men. This show sucks and is a waste of time.

    October 30, 2010 at 1:10pm

Comments are closed.

More in Entertainment

Did this star just out a Disney princess?
Chasing the Dragon

Did this star just out a Disney princess?

4 hours ago
Megyn Kelly probably wasn’t expecting to be mocked this hard after criticizing Oprah
Backseat driver
26 comments

Megyn Kelly probably wasn’t expecting to be mocked this hard after criticizing Oprah

Billy Eichner to star in first gay, male rom-com from major Hollywood studio
Casting call
17 comments

Billy Eichner to star in first gay, male rom-com from major Hollywood studio

Today at 7:03am
This crazy movie brings new meaning to the term tickle-torture. Prepare for heavy breathing.
Screen Gems
15 comments

This crazy movie brings new meaning to the term tickle-torture. Prepare for heavy breathing.


Popular on Queerty

Frankie Sharp to open huge, fabulous queer club in post-pandemic Hell’s Kitchen
READ NOW, CRY LATER
2.3K shares

Frankie Sharp to open huge, fabulous queer club in post-pandemic Hell’s Kitchen

Madison Cawthorn’s crappy week continues with announcement of 2022 challenger… who happens to be gay
hits keep coming
2.1K shares

Madison Cawthorn’s crappy week continues with announcement of 2022 challenger… who happens to be gay

Jodie Foster kisses her wife when accepting her Golden Globe award
out and proud
2.1K shares

Jodie Foster kisses her wife when accepting her Golden Globe award

Madison Cawthorn’s bad week just got even worse and it’s only Tuesday
it rains, it pours
1.8K shares

Madison Cawthorn’s bad week just got even worse and it’s only Tuesday

Lindsey Graham takes his adoration for Donald Trump to a creepy new level in weird interview
butt kissing
1.6K shares

Lindsey Graham takes his adoration for Donald Trump to a creepy new level in weird interview


Latest on Queerty

He was supposed to meet his date at the park. Instead, he was murdered.
Hate Crime

He was supposed to meet his date at the park. Instead, he was murdered.

21 minutes ago
21 awesome images from Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras
wanderlust

21 awesome images from Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras

1 hour ago
Mike Pence to speak at 600-person fundraising dinner for antigay hate group
on the menu

Mike Pence to speak at 600-person fundraising dinner for antigay hate group

2 hours ago
Bizarre video of Madison Cawthorn assaulting a tree circulates amid sexual misconduct allegations
tree hater
9 comments

Bizarre video of Madison Cawthorn assaulting a tree circulates amid sexual misconduct allegations

Gay journalist assaulted at Sydney Mardi Gras
Scrambled

Gay journalist assaulted at Sydney Mardi Gras

4 hours ago
Accused sexual predator Kimberly Guilfoyle eyeing a run for office because “the best is yet to come”
rumor has it
7 comments

Accused sexual predator Kimberly Guilfoyle eyeing a run for office because “the best is yet to come”

Did this star just out a Disney princess?
Chasing the Dragon

Did this star just out a Disney princess?

4 hours ago
Megyn Kelly probably wasn’t expecting to be mocked this hard after criticizing Oprah
Backseat driver
26 comments

Megyn Kelly probably wasn’t expecting to be mocked this hard after criticizing Oprah

Elaine Chao used taxpayer resources to do her Christmas shopping, damning report finds
grifter
11 comments

Elaine Chao used taxpayer resources to do her Christmas shopping, damning report finds

Billy Eichner to star in first gay, male rom-com from major Hollywood studio
Casting call
17 comments

Billy Eichner to star in first gay, male rom-com from major Hollywood studio

Today at 7:03am
This crazy movie brings new meaning to the term tickle-torture. Prepare for heavy breathing.
Screen Gems
15 comments

This crazy movie brings new meaning to the term tickle-torture. Prepare for heavy breathing.

“Real Housewives” intros for the COVID vaccines & Johnny Sibilly’s hype song
TIKTALK

“Real Housewives” intros for the COVID vaccines & Johnny Sibilly’s hype song

Free of an agenda (except that gay one)
Adam Rippon Freddie Mercury Gus Kenworthy Nick Jonas Nico Tortorella Pietro Boselli Ricky Martin Russell Tovey Zac Efron
Donald Trump Homophobia Coming Out Rupaul's Drag Race Scandal Religion Relationships Grindr
  • Q.digital
  • A Q.Digital Company
  • © 2021 Queerty, Inc.
  • Advertise With Us
  • Contact

  • Share a Tip
  • Comments Policy
  • Privacy Statement
  • Terms of Use
  • Do Not Sell My Personal Information
  • Follow

  • Podcast
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • GayCities: Your Gay Travel Guide:

  • New York
  • London
  • San Francisco
  • Chicago
  • Los Angeles
  • Washington DC
  • Dallas
  • Gay Saskatoon
  • See all 230+ cities...