Bill Hemmer’s Heterosexuality Breaks Our Nonexistent Heart

We’ve lusted after former CNN anchor turned Fox Newser Bill Hemmer for – well, for far too long to admit. Our fantasies came crashing down this morning, however, when a reader sent us this very official missive:

Dear Queerty:
So, Bill Hemmer of Fox News Channel made it official this morning during his news program that he has a girlfriend!! In fact he took her to the top of the Empire State building yesterday, and proudly pulled out his cell phone while live on the air, found her picture on his cell phone and forced it in front of the camera for the world to see the lovely Mrs. future Hemmer.

His co-host of America’s Newsroom, Megyn Kelly seemed shocked and amazed by stating “that doesn’t sound like you”! I guess Mr. Murdock or Roger Ailes have finally figures out (and straighten out) Hemmers sexuality for him.

Finally!

Thank God we now all now know Mr. Hemmer is straight. Now I can sleep well now knowing there is no future for he and I!!

While this Boston-based reader may be sleeping well, we’re vowing never, ever to sleep again. In fact, we’ll never eat again, breath again or blink again. Our future has never seemed so bleak – or short. Why, Bill Hemmer? Why?!