Bill Hemmer’s Heterosexuality Breaks Our Nonexistent Heart

We’ve lusted after former CNN anchor turned Fox Newser Bill Hemmer for – well, for far too long to admit. Our fantasies came crashing down this morning, however, when a reader sent us this very official missive:

Dear Queerty:
So, Bill Hemmer of Fox News Channel made it official this morning during his news program that he has a girlfriend!! In fact he took her to the top of the Empire State building yesterday, and proudly pulled out his cell phone while live on the air, found her picture on his cell phone and forced it in front of the camera for the world to see the lovely Mrs. future Hemmer.

His co-host of America’s Newsroom, Megyn Kelly seemed shocked and amazed by stating “that doesn’t sound like you”! I guess Mr. Murdock or Roger Ailes have finally figures out (and straighten out) Hemmers sexuality for him.

Finally!

Thank God we now all now know Mr. Hemmer is straight. Now I can sleep well now knowing there is no future for he and I!!

While this Boston-based reader may be sleeping well, we’re vowing never, ever to sleep again. In fact, we’ll never eat again, breath again or blink again. Our future has never seemed so bleak – or short. Why, Bill Hemmer? Why?!

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50 Comments

  • drunkonsweetolive

    Damn it all to hell!!After all that waking up early in the morning everyday and his punk ass has a girlfriend. Guess I’ll just watch MSNBC. Dan Abrams is still single, right??!!??

  • Wolfie

    Hey Dan Abram’s is a cutie. IMO its a trade up

  • lamptopper

    He’s been with this girlfriend for 3 years. It’s nothing new.

  • hells kitchen guy

    He’s the only reason to watch Fox.

  • pc

    Abrams is straight too guys. Better go back to Anderson Cooper.

  • biscaynebiker

    Gimme CNN anchor TJ Holmes. All those others are just pretty boy talking heads.

  • afrolito

    T.J Holmes is one of the few reasons I still suffer through CNN. He is HOT!

  • james_boston

    i third t.j. holmes…the boy is hot. in fact, cnn has two really hot black anchors (i forget the other guy’s name) and one smokin’ italian, rob marciano (even tho he’s a complete himbo unlike t.j. and the other guy…they moved him from doing weather to reading the news…i guess they figured out where their bread is buttered but he can barely read the teleprompter and talk at the same time, not that i care. when i want real news, i go online anyway.)

  • Bitch Republic

    Just because a guy has a “girlfriend” or even wife, doesn’t mean they’re not gay. Just look at Ted Haggard and Larry Craig. I still think he’s a homo.

    http://www.BitchRepublic.net

  • Nitesurf

    Anderson, TJ and Don are the hottest newsmen. Hemmer doesn’t even come close. And he’s on Faux which is unforgivable.

  • CarolinaGuy

    Hemmer is a 6 compared to Rob Marciano. (In my book, Rob is a total 10+). I think I would just about do anything for one night with Rob demonstrating his weather-pointer abilities on me!!!

    http://www.reportercaps.com/Home_CNN/cnn_rmarciano.php

  • Doh!

    Reader twisted the segment.

  • Jake

    PC,
    Abrams is SO not straight! And thank God, I’d marry him tomorrow!!! Nice try though MSNBC staff.

  • OCF

    I think the hottest of them all is Bill Hemmer by far…He is HOT

  • OCF

    ABRAMS IS GAY? He is an ASS

  • Gregg

    I think Bill Hemmer is SOOOOOO hot and am still holding out hope!

  • Peter

    Bill Hemmer is totally gay because He checked me out about 4 years ago in front of Virgin Records on 14th street and he even smiled at me. Trust me we locked eyes,,he is soooooooooooooooooooo gay

  • jo

    Everyone always seems so intent these days on knowing what everyone else is, that it tends to drive those in the public view into the shadows. First, a certain country singer who had a child recently came out(ding ding) and Second, who really cares? Maybe it would have happened sooner if people eased back and gave a bit of room to breathe. It’s always better to be someone than something, and who wants a tag hag calling them out?

  • Paul

    I agree, Peter, but maybe not quite as gay as you.

  • Bill Hemmer

    I am so glad I’m straight! You faggots make me sick!

  • ERIC,NYC

    HAHAHA !!! I’m a proud man’s man cocksucker.
    *I LOVE MEN ONLY* and I agree with #20 above me….(BILL HEMMER)
    The comments I have read makes me say the same as #20 above…”YOU FAGGOTS MAKE ME SICK !”
    Bill Hemmer is a “devout” Catholic.I know many “devout” Catholics that are “straight” that have given me a mean blowjob….He is 43,sooo handsome and I cannot believe a “devout” Catholic with genes like that that would not want to progeny by now….
    He has a girlfriend,so what? I love my horny “straight” men….they are all around,you girls are just so faggy that no real gay man wants to identify with silly giggly sissies !!

  • ERIC,NYC

    ….oops !! I meant “want progeny”.

  • Helen

    Shep Smith is the hottest of them all!!! Is he gay or straight?

  • Mary Houston

    Oh Please! Leave Bill Hemmer alone. He is a good Man, kind, polite, educated and a decent human being. I don’t need to know about his sexuality any more than I need to know the color of his underware or if he even wears any!!!! Get a life!!

  • buddy

    hemmer’s nose is too small.

  • Frank Mastromano

    America’s Newsroom should change their name to America’s Doom and Gloom. This morning in one half hour they reported the job reduction this month to be over 500,000. That should help keep the resession going strong.

  • Sam

    @Helen: Shep is gay, I hope! I’d do him in a split second!

  • Jim

    I have to admit, when I watch in the morning, it start my day off great. I think he is a 12.

  • rickhatch1

    You guys like all the same newsmen that I like. I love Bill Hemmer, Dan Abrams, Shep Smith, Rob Marciano. I think they’re all straight though! But,like some of you have said, there are married men who are ‘bi’ or ‘gay’ too. We all know that. But I don’t think people worry as much about it as they used to. I think a lot just lead their lives, like Anderson Cooper does, and not say anything. Who would be bothered to get married? LOL– Hey, #20 comment on here is not really from Bill Hemmer is it? I can’t picture him writing anything like that.

  • alco251

    All I know is that he had a boyfriend in high school. Maybe working at Fox Noise has straightened him out since. ;-0

  • Jen

    Where there’s smoke there’s fire! Been rumors about Bill Hemmer for years. Having girlfriens doesn’t mean someone is straight. My brother was married and has 2 kids, and he’s homosexual. Dan Abrams… well, he might not be ‘gay’ as we know it, however I don’t think he’s totally straight either. Met him a few times. Just a feeling I got. It’s not so black & white people! Sexuality is complicated.
    Anderson Cooper – 100% gay.

  • Dave

    He’s a champion and you are all sad fools! I’m the straightest guy in the world but what he is, he could still get more chicks than any of us sad cases. T.J Holmes is an ape!

  • bow

    Right.

    This so-called devout good Catholic boy, who has never been married and is 45 years old, is seriously believed to be straight?

    Please, buy my swamp land in Arizona. I have been without work since June and could use the money.

    He has to keep up the conservative image of Fox, I’ll give you that.

  • tim

    wow, I can’t believe the hate for Fox. I like to watch all of the cable news networks,
    including Fox. Yep, they are the only news outlet on cable that isn’t totally left-wing.
    I don’t know about F&B, but at least they have both points of view, instead of just the
    socialist views. you guys are hilarious

  • MissTransSylvaniaTV

    OH, he is HOT, as hot as a FOX! haha, just a little joke to sweeten our lives my honeypies…

  • Amy O'Conner

    I landed on this site after Googling Dan Abrams to find out where he’s from. Anyway, I’m not gay but have always wondered why gay men tend to be unusually immature. Just about every gay guy I’ve ever known acts like he’s 15 years old. It can be annoying.

  • JBiscuits

    I landed on this site after Googling Amy O’Conner to find out where she’s from. Anyway, I’m gay but have always wondered why straight women tend to be unusually immature. Just about every straight woman I’ve ever known acts like she’s 15 years old. It can be annoying.

    OMG, just kidding. I guess it’s the 15 year old in me. But in all seriousness…

    …Amy, your statements are idiotic.

  • Kieran

    Wouldn’t it be great if Fox News’ Shepard Smith and CNNs’ Anderson Cooper started dating each other and then came out the same week on national TV?

  • Steve NY

    Personal reference says he’s gay. He’s gorgeous. But he’s Republican, so he’s a lizard inside.

  • Ferlin Finfrock

    I just want to say that Peggy Kusinski-Bonfiglio-Jenkins is the hottest manmeat I have ever seen. He/she is hot

  • hephaestion

    10+ years ago when I was in Atlanta, the city had lots of folks saying Bill Hemmer was gay & had been seen in various gay spots in Atlanta while he was at CNN there. Evidently he is very religious and will never come out to his family.

  • hephaestion

    @Amy O’Conner: Dear Amy, why don’t you try going thru life being told that you are evil, being unable to date the ones who you have a crush on throughout your youth, being a third-class citizen, being told that everything you do is evil and wrong, and being unable to talk with your parents, siblings, teachers, friends or religious counselors when you have difficulties growing up, and see how well-adjusted and mature you come out.

  • jun

    amy…your comments are ridiculous. I guess you know the sexual orientation of every person you’ve ever had a conversation with then? Maybe a lot of people who DON’T act like 15 year olds, MIGHT ACTUALLY BE GAY without you knowing it? IDIOT!

  • Chad Hudson

    Well for close to 7 years, Bill and I were f*ckbuddies. It ended because I wanted to take it to the next level and he didn’t want that given ‘who’ he is. He’s a great guy, beautiful in (and out, trust me on this one!) of his clothes and loads of fun (and I do mean LOADS plural) in bed. I wish him well – he and his ‘girlfriend’. Have to add when a friend told me about that bit on the air with the pic of his g’friend, i thought ‘how sad’ that he felt he had to lie that much. Trust me, in the 7 years I knew him (and knew every inch of him), there wasn’t anything remotely straight about him.

  • Oprah

    Anderson Cooper and Dan Abraham would be perfect as a couple, actually. But -arent they both– bottom—iish>? lol

  • Chad Hudson

    Hemmer goes to my gym. We’ve had plenty of ‘workouts’ back at my place – trust me. We spot each other on chest press ups, then go back to my veeeeeeeery private penthouse and f*ck like it’s the end the world. And yes, naked he looks every the ‘god’ you guys think he is. Girlfriend/fiance or not, we’ll be ‘working out’ for a long time to come (ahem, ‘cum’).

  • Amazrd

    Amazed Chad that you would settle for being just a f*buddie after wanting to move it to the next level. Ever meet his GF? Do you travel with him at all? How ripped is he?

  • gemcityjeff

    @Peter: I believe Bill is gay and have always thought he was. He’s just another closet case. More than likely because of his career. If he ever does marry, it will simply be a marriage to help him continue to pass himself off as a straight man.

  • T2TheB

    Somebody is just plain lying. That man has every “sign” that counts in my book:
    — He’s hot and long has been
    — He’s fit and long has been
    — He’s bright and long has been
    — He’s got sufficient income/wealth to satisfy any number of women
    — He’s personable and has a sexy voice
    — He’s got a great smile and great eyes
    — HE’S 50-SOMETHING and HE’S NEVER BEEN MARRIED !!!
    Puh-lease! I wasn’t born yesterday. Just as I didn’t need Anderson Cooper with his hotness *and* Vanderbilt background to “come out” to know that he would have married to some woman, maybe several over time, if he were “muff diving,” I don’t need to be gay to know to know Bill Hemmer is. I’m sorry, but there’s no way in hell I am going to believe he and A. Cooper didn’t at least recreationally hook-up. His having a “girlfriend” now, or even marrying a woman, is not going to convince me otherwise. I have several “girlfriends” if and when I ever feel like I need one; he damn sure can too. Hell, one of my “girlfriends” will even marry me if I asked her to.

    I’m sorry, Bill, but 50 years of having never been married for you, given the bullet points above, is just too long for me to willingly suspend my disbelief that you are gay. Especially here in 2015 some seven years after someone claimed you have a girlfriend. You need to tell that to someone who’ll believe you.

  • T2TheB

    @T2TheB: Oh! And I forgot to mention this: He’s Roman Catholic and HE’S NEVER BEEN MARRIED!

Comments are closed.