During a New Year’s trip to Tasmania several years ago, my friend Nina and I got a little tipsy and got to lamenting the dearth of true romance in our lives. Well, that’s what we were doing at first. Then it turned into a competition, one Nina, a divorced mother-of-two who lives in Atlanta, figured I had a better chance of winning, judging from all the attention I was getting on Grindr.
“Well, at least you have real-world options,” I told her. “You don’t have to go to a bar or get on Grindr to find a potential match. All you have to do is walk outside.”
Indeed, we’ve been on holiday together numerous times, and in various cities and countries, we’ve had random male locals (a driver here, a hotel employee there, a cute guy hanging out with his friends by a statue of Nikolai Tesla in Zagreb, Croatia) take an interest in us, all of them clearly using us to get to her. That sort of thing tends to happen when you’re a gay man traveling with a fun, friendly, beautiful woman.
Nina disagreed, insisting gay men were the ones with myriad options while straight women had to settle for the slimmest pick of suitors, especially once they were approaching middle age. To prove her point, she mentioned one of her gay friends who tends to get over one boyfriend and slide under another before he even has time to change his Facebook relationship status.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
I love Nina, but she had missed my point entirely. You can’t sum up the gay experience by using the mating habits of one gay man. That’s like thinking Jennifer Lopez’s love life is what happens to every woman.
Nor can you assume that increased acceptance for gays among the general population and the proliferation of apps like Grindr and Scruff have made gay romance easier. They’ve increased the expediency of hooking up, and they‘re generally considered more respectable than roaming public parks and bathrooms. But for those of us who prefer connections that are more serendipitous and less transactional, finding an eligible gay man offline during regular business hours can be like trying to pick out a Lakers fan at a Yankees game.
Nina wasn’t completely wrong, though. In a way, gay men and straight women are in the same sinking boat. They both have to suffer through dating men, who, truth be told, can be an absolute nightmare. But there is one big difference. The world rigs the search for Mr. Right in favor of straight women. Society is set up so that heterosexuals can find each other with ease.
They can meet cute pretty much anywhere. A bold, beautiful straight woman can walk around town, flirting men into submission with her eyes. She can wake up feeling pretty and watch her day unfold like a Modern Love essay. There’s a reason why the New York Times packs that popular section with stories by and about straight women.
The world may be slowly evolving in favor of gays, but we can’t expect to open the front door and step into our own romantic comedy. The majority of men we will encounter on any given day will be straight, which is why we are more likely to meet our partners at a gay bar, on a gay dance floor, or on a gay app. It’s rarely as simple as just getting out of bed and living life.
I have a friend who once met his next fling, a semi-famous Argentine actor, while waiting in line at a bank in Buenos Aires. I listened quietly as he told me the story, both impressed by his unexpected good fortune and also slightly jealous because of it. That’s just the kind of “How we met” story that gay men dream up but can never really count on coming true.
But if you’re a beautiful woman, it could happen to you. The handsome Argentine actor might turn out to be the world’s biggest jerk, but straight people usually don’t have to wonder if the beautiful stranger looking at them across the crowded subway is straight. The world is full of heterosexuals who can assume most passersby share their sexual orientation, and therefore, they can approach without fear of being physically assaulted by a raging homophobe. Simply getting out of bed and living life can be the beginning of a romantic adventure.
Gay men only have that luxury if they’re vacationing on Fire Island or Mykonos or some luxury destination frequented by gays because these days, even the gay ghettos in big cities are increasingly overrun by heterosexuals. Unfortunately for women, once they meet a guy virtually anywhere, the hard work begins. Then they have to deal with the mixed signals, the hot and cold, the commitment issues. Ladies, we feel your pain.
But on the plus side, the universe pounds it into the heads of straight men that they must grow up, get educated, get rich, get married and have kids. That’s always been the Heterosexual Dream. So although they might be on different timetables, straight women and straight men are generally after the same things.
Gay men only recently won the right to legally marry. Most of us weren’t raised to expect the romantic outcome that straight people take for granted. Many of us start out assuming we’ll ultimately be lonely, and lead lives that almost make it a foregone conclusion. Alone again … naturally.
We may finally be able to catch the bouquet and have it actually mean something, but the road to happily ever after remains fraught with many of the same obstacles as before. No matter how far we go, the world will always challenge us in ways straight people will never fully understand.
kevininbuffalo
A long whine.
michel_banen
A long whine indeed. In the end finding straight love or gay love [in the sense of a lasting relationship] is equally easy (or hard, depending of your personal view). You just got to have a bit of luck too.
Josh447
Looking for love can bring out the whine.
I met three LTR guys, in open space, no internet app no gay bar no dating just out and about in the world and boom, there it is.
The love of my life was met by us separately roller skating in a park one day and we both came around a corner and knocked each other on our as++ses. We moved in together 3 weeks later.
That’s what happens when you’re not looking for love but open to it, not thinking of or desiring it one nit, and being in your own groove in a good way. I let fate bring me my loves. Seems to work best for me that way.
Kangol2
There are lots of muddled components to this piece, but at base it seems to be envious of heteronormativity, which is in place most societies across the globe, and yet does not really ever name it or homophobia (and transphobia) as central to the challenges gay, bisexual and trans people face. On top of this, it idealizes the situation for hetero women and strangely erases misogyny and sexism, along with racism, classism, etc., when the reality is that hetero women have quite a difficult time even in a relatively progressive society like the US. There are many parts of the world where the heteronormative system women face is oppressive, and in many cases nightmarish. Maybe JH doesn’t know about those places or doesn’t care, but he also seems to downplay what his straight female friend is suggesting to him and what his friend who met the Argentinian guy related to him, in favor of a fantasy about homonormativity that I guess is what he’s really hoping form. Getting rid of homophobia would be a major deal, as would dealing with ongoing sexism and misogyny. Women of whatever sexuality and gay and bi men would be a lot happier if both occurred.
Josh447
“Society is set up so that heterosexuals can find each other with ease.”
I think this is only partially true. The biggest feature in straight world is the fact the two sexes are visibly different, unlike same sex situations. If there were some sign depicting all people as gay straight or bi, it would seem the writer might have his fix. But the physical sexes is determined by the basics of the human race, not society.
GeorgeMTL
I don’t think this is whining… it’s taking a look at how gay men and straight women interact sexually/socially. There’s nothing wrong with analyzing our behaviours and jumping to criticize right away seems cheap. I mean, was it not sexy enough for you? Or did you not want to hear about a woman’s side of things? What is the problem?
If you don’t like the writing on this site, you’re free to submit your own work that reflect how you think gay life should be represented.