One of the great things about being gay is that it gives us a bit of outsider status. We can step back from the main flows and expectations of society to decide where to connect back, and where to branch off. The downside, of course, is that mainstream society has been reluctant to welcome us until recently, and that battle isn’t yet won. But it’s clear that for many gay men, fatherhood is still a dream.
We wanted to hear from guys struggling to make that dream come true, so we asked Whisper to do some digging.
Here’s what they turned up:
toronto
Live your own life, don’t be so obsessed about having to have children. Without kids, you can do what you want, when you want, and be able to afford it.
Be realistic, when you are in that retirement home at 82, and your kids do the annual christmas visit and can’t wait to leave, what was the point?
My in-laws always preached about the importance of family, but they dreaded the visit, and for the rest of the year, pretty much forgot about their parents “in the home”.
Kids are horrible. In my own opinion. Oh, and save the environment.
tazz602
Being of the older generation and the oldest of nine – I have NEVER wanted children as a gay man. I babysat enough up to my college years, I was done with kids before I finished puberty – lol. To each his own, but not having children does afford a lot more freedom and disposable income that can be put away towards retirement, travel, etc.
Cv_iphone
My partner and I have always wanted. Been together 5 years, married for 1. A few months ago we looked into adoption through our county and it was disappointing, it’s nearly free compared to the $30k for private adoptions, if your lucky enough after possibly years of waiting to receive a kid you have to agree to certain ways of parenting (no spanking, etc) and the children typically have issues of some kind. Not exactly how I pictured having my first child would go. I get jealous all the time when I see straight couples having babies so easily. Also lesbian couples (sperm a lot cheaper than eggs and they already have the equipment). I wish there was an easier way for gay guys.
Glücklich
@toronto:
You’ll get no bashing from me. I am NOT a kid person.
Only once have my husband and I ever been asked why we don’t have/want kids and I kept it simple by saying “I have nice furniture.”
There are kids on my husband’s side but luckily they live in Tennessee and we never have to see them. Occasionally we hear how so-and-so needs this that and the other and there is never enough money…ugh! NO THANK YOU!
McShane
We take a few of our nephews camping every summer. It’s a straight up nightmare. Ever seen an six year old cry hysterically for an hour because the dog wont ride in the canoe with him? Not a good look. How does a water balloon fight, at the ass- crack of dawn sound? What if I told you it was in the house? They are all boys but one time there was glitter on everything, where the hell did they find glitter? It’s fun for the two weeks that we have them, but god damn does it feel good dropping them off and driving away.
Glücklich
For the Whisper post about wanting to leave something behind: Yes, you’re wrong for wanting a gayby so you leave something behind. Make a bequest to a college or some charity if you really want to leave a legacy. Or if you have nieces and nephews you’re close to, leave them with memories of being the cool uncle and/or help them with college or the backpacking trip across Europe everyone seems to take – a meaningful gift given at the right age so they’ll really appreciate it.
bottom250
Maybe it is because I am young I never wanted kids I just want to be with as many men as I can be. I enjoy being gay and being with men so I am to selfish to be a daddy.
Arcamenel
I want kids but I don’t want to raise them without being married first.
DarkZephyr
No kids for me. Not because I absolutely hate children and you won’t hear me bitching about how messy and needy they are (you would think some grinchy fogey adults were never children themselves, Jesus)but I helped raise my younger siblings and so I feel that I have done my part in that respect. I LOVE my nieces and nephews and goddaughters though and have a blast playing with them and babysitting them when my sibs and best friends need the help. I LOVE being an Uncle and a Godfather. I still get to hear “Happy Father’s Day” and get Father’s Day cards from my Goddaughters it always fills me with a lot of happiness and makes me grin like an idiot.
DarkZephyr
P.S. I should add though that if my man ever expressed a desire for children I would seriously consider it, I wouldn’t be unshakable in my desire not to have my own. As someone who agreed to be a Godfather more than once I always knew there was a SLIGHT possibility that I could wind up with kids to raise and I accepted that possibility. At this point my Goddaughters are too old for that to be a likely scenario and if it did happen I would have kids to take care of for only a couple years, but if my man wanted them I wouldn’t rule it out entirely. I love him very much. He is my world.
Glücklich
@McShane
Good god two WEEKS?! I thought your post would say something like a couple of days. That’s impressive. I’d be prosecuted for murder before two weeks ended.
@DarkZephyr
You’re a more generous soul than I am. Had my husband ever expressed the slightest interest in wanting kids I wouldn’t have married him. The possibility of him winding up with any of his nephews or nieces is, like, zilch. There’s no animosity there but there are geographically closer relatives who are better equipped to deal with them thank god.
Bauhaus
Yep, I’m one of “those” gay men for whom having children was essential. When I realized I was gay, the ONLY thing that disturbed me was the possibility of not having children. Mating was often difficult, as several men I dated weren’t interested in having a family. Years ago, I ended a five year relationship, because he didn’t want children (he strung me along).
Children are messy, expensive, demanding, moody, selfish, and mostly think of themselves. They are also: fun, delightful, playful, honest, earnest, spontaneous, loving, and full of life. We don’t regret having children for a second!
Jeff Geoberti
Luke Armbruster
McShane
@DarkZephyr: Oh, I totally didn’t mean to sound bitchy. It’s just a lot harder than I thought, three boys under twelve is hard work.
DC_FamilyMan
@Bauhaus: I hear you man…. It was a dream come true for my husband and I to finally have a lil baby boy placed in our arms two years ago after six years or saving up for the surrogacy. My sister donated her eggs and we hired a gestational carrier – it was well worth the wait and $40K. Our son almost died during delivery but the doctors resuscitated him and I was finally able to hold him… Fell in love with that lil thing and was so happy 🙂
I think it can be hard dealing with other people’ kids… It’s different when you start from “scratch” and experience every little step of the journey. We plan on adopting now that we have the baby- making out of our system lol.
lauraspencer
Some of the whispers above can be applied to straights as well. It isn’t just a gay thing when it comes to finding a mate and having money to raise a child.
I think it great to have kids, but it has to be for the right reasons. Children should be brought into the picture when you have so much love that you can provide them with it. Gay or straight it seems that a lot of people have kids because it is what you are supposed to do as an adult and once you are partnered off. Many people look for the child to bring love to their relationships when that isn’t the child’s responsibility. The parents are supposed to provide the love.
I’ve had two gay friends over the years say how much they want children, but on digging deeper it wasn’t about giving children a home that needed one. My friends didn’t want to adopt even though there are plenty of kids who need homes. They both wanted to pass their DNA on. Once even said he had good genes why wouldn’t he want to have a biological kid? One friend has a child now and the kid is basically being raised by his grandparents because the gay (he’s single) really doesn’t want to apply the time and effort.
I guess what I’m saying is that that kids are so important and such a serious commitment that I wish more people (gay or straight) would actually take the time to figure out if they would actually make a good parent. Many people don’t.
money718
No desire at all. I believe a kid should have a mother. Sorry.
Saint Law
@money718: Why apologise? No one cares what you think.
jwtraveler
@money718: Don’t apologize. You’re entitled to you opinion, as long as you don’t force others to live their lives accordingly. Ignore Saint Law; he hates everyone, starting with himself.
jwtraveler
@Cv_iphone: There are many places where gay men can easily adopt children without great expense, as long as you’re not expecting a perfect, white baby. But if you can’t raise children without physically abusing them, you shouldn’t be a parent. Forget the biblical “spare the rod, spoil the child” adage. It has as much validity as the condemnation of homosexuality. There are many ways to discipline children effectively without beating them.
UltimateSin
Maybe in two or three reincarnations I would want a child, but not in this lifetime.
CCTR
Best wishes to all the gay men who want to have children. So sad that some that are qualified are having trouble adopting because of their sexual orientation. It’s admirable to see good parents that opt for adoption, and are able to provide love and a home for children that otherwise wouldn’t have much of either. I wonder if trying to foster a child would be met with the same oppositions?