A bisexual man says he’s “desperate” to have sex with another man, but he isn’t sure how to broach the subject with his wife, so he’s seeking advice from life guru Stoya over at Slate.
“I knew I wasn’t straight for most of my life but have only had sex with one guy,” the 31-year-old writes. “[He was] an ostensibly straight friend in high school, and it was a secret on/off thing that involved a lot of cheating and eventually blew up our friendship and several others.”
The man goes on to explain that he didn’t come out as bisexual until his late 20s after “I drunkenly kissed one of my then-girlfriend’s gay male friends at a party.” That girlfriend later became his wife.
“We have a strong monogamous relationship with a mutually satisfying sex life,” he continues. “The problem is, I can’t seem to shake the desire to have sex with a guy again, both because I’m attracted to guys and because I regret that my only experience thus far was as a closeted, denial-ridden teen.”
The man says he isn’t quite sure how to arrange a threesome, and he also fears asking his wife for permission to have sex with another guy on his own. Trying an open relationship isn’t off the table; however, he’s afraid it might turn him into a sex addict.
“I’m also scared of the possibility of going down the rabbit hole and becoming a sex addict, since I’m already in recovery for drugs and alcohol, but that’s another issue.”
Now, he wonders: “Why am I still having such a tough time admitting what I want? Is it better to risk pursuing it than to keep trying to repress it, as I’ve been doing for so long? Would I be a more selfish partner for asking for permission to explore this, or am I being considerate in holding back?”
In her response, Stoya tells the man that he should be less worried about coming across as selfish and more concerned about how keeping his true desires buried deep down is harming his relationship.
“When you hold something of this magnitude back,” she writes, “you’re disrupting your intimacy.”
“It might jeopardize your relationship to broach the subject of one-on-one sex with another man, but keeping that desire secret might damage the relationship as well. It isn’t about what’s more or less selfish so much as maintaining open communication with your partner.”
Stoya encourages the man to talk to his wife, tell her how he feels and what he feels would be fair to him, and ask what she feels would be fair to her.
“To me, it seems fair for people who are interested in pursuing liaisons outside the marriage to have that freedom, as long as those without interest don’t feel pressured to be poly.”
In the end, hopefully they come find a common ground. But that won’t happen until the man reveals the extent of his true feelings.
“You don’t ever have to act on your desires for other men, but I do think you should let your wife know what’s going on,” Stoya concludes. “She’s shown she can work through difficult moments with you—be open about your fears, and trust her to help you figure this out.”
What do you think this guy should do? Sound off in the comments section below…