Honestly, Officer, I’m Just Holding This Three-Gallon Drum Of GHB For a Friend

If you were outdoors in Los Angeles Tuesday afternoon, that loud collective groan you heard was all the perverts and hardcore party “boiz” canceling their weekend plans in light of a recent drug bust at LAX. According to the L.A. Times,  three gallons of an ingredient used to make  “the date-rape drug” GHB was seized by officials at one of the airport’s cargo facilities.

Firstly: Wait a minute, GHB is a date-rape drug? We thought it was one of those things you did so you could really enjoy sexytime with a stranger or a five-hour Junior Vasquez set. (Oddly enough, we spent much of our teens thinking how horrific getting “date-raped” sounded, and then most of our twenties annoyed when guys wouldn’t put out fast enough.)

Secondly: GHB is illegal? And poppers still aren’t, right? Sometimes we get our naughty liquids mixed up, and if you’ve ever inhaled lube and applied poppers to your junk, you’ll understand it’s not a good sort of confusion to have.

Thirdly: Who ships an illicit substance in the most obviously suspect container like a nondescript giant white three-gallon jug? A bunch of Chinese amateurs, that’s who!

“Officers made the discovery after examining a three-gallon container smuggled in from China. It had been disguised using a misleading invoice, authorities said.”

But perhaps most perplexing, though, was the statement from Customs agent Todd C. Owen, who said his department is “on the frontline at our nation’s ports of entry, targeting and stopping illegal shipments containing dangerous substances that threaten the health and safety of our nation’s youth.”

The safety of our youth? What about our really hot, defenseless grown-up gays and lesbians who accept drinks from strangers or leave their cocktails unattended for just a sec, only to wind up getting banged by sneaky trolls?  Or the queens who sweat, puke and pass out in the middle of the club because they can’t measure out their dosage correctly in the chaotic light patterns projected on the dance floor?

Those are the ones who should be breathing a sigh of relief right now, not a bunch of paranoid parents.

Photos via U.S. Customs and Border Patrol and Finger Food