I was just playing with my iPhone on Good Friday a few weeks back when I had a relevation: Jesus and I were messaging on Scruff.

He was scruffy, round-faced, and with an angelic halo I had first assumed was a Halloween costume prop, or perhaps some sort of iPhone malfunction.

His casual goodwill and kindness, and total selflessness when it came to sending me his pictures expecting nothing in return, struck me as unusually pious and downright uncanny.

I was seized with the need to tell someone about it, but then as quickly as he’d messaged me, he’d signed off: “Gotta go be crucified, BRB Sunday. Tell John I

And so I thought nothing of it–it was too literal, too LOL, too tongue-in-cheek. Couldn’t have been the second coming of gay Jesus. What was this, a Joan Osborne song?

Till I saw this article on The Guardian today, wherein Bona-fide Anglican priest Paul Oestreicher argues passionately that Jesus was “probably” gay.

While Oestreicher dismisses Jesus’ fling with whoress Mary Magdalene as mere rumor, he claims that “the evidence, on the other hand, that he may have been what we today call gay is very strong.”

He supplies us with undeniable evidence of Jesus and John’s intimacy, and he is clearly a Jesus expert:

“In all classic depictions of the Last Supper, a favourite subject of Christian art, John is next to Jesus, very often his head resting on Jesus’s breast. Dying, Jesus asks John to look after his mother and asks his mother to accept John as her son. John takes Mary home. John becomes unmistakably part of Jesus’s family…

Heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual: Jesus could have been any of these. There can be no certainty which. The homosexual option simply seems the most likely. The intimate relationship with the beloved disciple points in that direction. It would be so interpreted in any person today.”

So the Jesus I had talked to on Scruff—it really was the second coming of gay Jesus. Except this time, he lives in Bushwick, Brooklyn and is into a raw-foods freegan diet.

Here’s to hoping he’ll sign on someday soon and save me. I’d even change my name to John for Him.

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