There I was, naked in bed, drunk not only from alcohol, but shame as well.
“Please Josh. I need this,” my boyfriend, who I’d been dating for two months, whispered–scratch that–pleaded, next to me. “If you can’t do this, then we’re going to need to talk.”
“I–I’m sorry” was all I could muster.
There I was, having just tried to top my boyfriend for the first time and as you can guess, utterly failed. I wish I could say it was the alcohol. Or maybe my Cerebral Palsy was to blame? Either way, I just couldn’t do it.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
It’s not that I didn’t want to. I remember when we first met on Grindr, I’d mentioned to him (whose profile said he was versatile) that I’d never topped before but had always been curious about it. And I was! The opportunity had simply never come up. Most of my hookups up to that point were with tops and my last serious relationship, well, he really wasn’t that interested in having sex me (more on that here). So when the opportunity finally arose for me to slide into his, ahem, DM, I thought it would be easy.
But it was anything but. I can’t even describe where it went wrong. Up until the moment of insertion, every fiber in my body wanted to top him. It was almost animalistic, the desire I felt. But as soon as I reached the moment, it’s as if my brain was suddenly jolted awake after a long winter’s nap, and I couldn’t stop my thoughts from racing. Oh my god, I have no idea what I’m doing. Oh god, what if I can’t do it? What if it’s bad? I’d work myself up so much to the point to where my erm, balloon, would suddenly deflate and I could no longer enter him.
And it completely sucked. As much as I wanted to top him, it was as if there was this deep disconnect between my brain and my body. I tried a few times after that. At one point, I even bought some happy blue pills, hoping they’d help me get over this hump. No matter how much I tried though, nothing worked.
Which, like, was my versatile invite lost in the mail? Thrown into the bottom (haha) of a well? Left abandoned at the top (tehe) of Mt. Everest? It seems everywhere I look anymore, everyone and their mom is versatile these days. And oh, how I long to be one of them! It really does seem like vers people have more fun. I’ve come to understand though that maybe, just maybe, I’m not meant to be versatile despite my many attempts.
But can a strictly bottom guy like me still exist in this world?
It doesn’t help that everything I read seems to make me feel more like a defect. “It’s Time to Stop Pigeonholing Gay Men as Tops and Bottoms” declared GQ in 2019. “Is it time to abandon the top and bottom labels once and for all?” questioned Queerty‘s very own Graham Gremore in 2017 (which, xoxo, love you, Graham!). Or how about this doozy?! “Top to Bottom: How Defining Your Position Can Limit What You Do in the Bedroom” Now please excuse me while I go untwist the metaphorical knife in my side.
Kidding aside, I totally understand what all these articles are saying: that we shouldn’t let labels like “top” or “bottom” define what we do in the bedroom… but that’s easy to say when you are physically capable of, and have the option to do both. For me, I can’t top, so where does that leave me? How else am I supposed to know whether I am sexually compatible with someone? Are all my future relationships doomed if I can’t find someone who is strictly top?
Going back to my boyfriend, (SPOILER ALERT!) our relationship didn’t last. In fact, it was after maybe the fifth time I tried to top him (and failed, save for one time that lasted .05 seconds so it doesn’t really count) that I think he finally had enough. I had been sitting at home, waiting for him to come home from work, when he walked in and uttered the dreaded “we need to talk” line.
Through tears, he told me how he had been struggling and had come to discover that “we were both bottoms.” When he said it, I couldn’t help but laugh a little, given he’d been topping me for the last two years, but it made sense in retrospect. After all, he’d told me being topped was something he “needed” when we first started dating. If I couldn’t physically give that to him, then what was the point in staying together? It would have been a disservice to us both.
It’s been more than a year since our breakup, and I can’t help but worry about my next relationship. In a world where it seems everyone is vers, is there any hope for me, a total bottom? Perhaps with enough time, I’ll come to realize that all is not lost. Maybe I’ll meet the top of my dreams who accepts me in all my bottom glory. Or maybe–however far-fetched–I’ll come to discover my versatile invite was simply stuck in transit.
Josh Galassi is very gay and very disabled, if you haven’t noticed. Sometimes, he writes about both those things, and sometimes, he doesn’t. He lives in Seattle with his dog Carmen Sandiego, who, it turns out, was on Craigslist the entire time (where he bought her). You can find him on Facebook and Twitter, or at a nearby coffee shop obsessing over cold brew.
Discover more
Jaquelope
While I’m no psychologist, much of the problem seems to be in his mindset, where his disability, combined with other possible factors, has created a mind-over-matter condition that is preventing him from topping. Before my ED kicked in, although I did not enjoy topping, I was able to do it, so possibly checking with a psychologist may uncover some deep=seated reason that is causing him to not be able to perform. When I went through therapy (for an unrelated issue), I found things that my subconscious had been hiding from my early life that I had no conscious memory of, yet still impacted my life.
A good, honest talk with his bf might have been beneficial, also, but if it is just about the sexual aspect alone, it will most likely fail anyway.
ScottOnEarth
I’m really hoping this was meant to be a gay-themed parody. “Boyfriend of two months…..who I met on Grindr… pleaded with me to top him….through tears he told me he discovered that we’re both bottoms.” If this isn’t a parody, then this is one of the whiniest, most nonsensical stories I have ever read. Just f*ck him or don’t. If he cries about it then your two-month “relationship,” spawned on a substantial dating site such as Grindr, was based solely on sex and wouldn’t last anyway.
storm45701
Two YEARS… not two months
RTG
Storm45701 please re-read the post. It’s TWO (2) months, not years.
Cam
Did you purposely misrepresent or just misread. It was two years.
Peanutella
You’re all correct. At one point he says months, then later says years. Context makes a difference! To me, this is a light-hearted article, not as seriously as some commentators are taking it.
CityguyUSA
Seems to me that these young guys are so in their heads and not the right head. Worried about everything around sex. All this preparation to insure they don’t get poop anywhere and changing their diet to have more fiber so their cleaner. Can’t say my generation ever gave any of it a thought. If you were attracted to someone and they you you simply went home together. There was rarely a conversation about what went where or who went were. I never found anyone that couldn’t perform. And after we’d chat for a bit and fall asleep. Stop over thinking everything no one with the exception of a very few of us look anything like our profiles suggest. Perhaps start over with a more honest profile on all the sites and the rest will cum naturally.
SFMike
Totally agree. Back in the day when we met in bars and backrooms instead of online things usually worked out fine and you met a wider variety of men. The scene is so limited now to sexual take out meals that all the fun and spontaneity has been taken out of the hunt.
Hank31
“xoxo, love you, Graham!”
Um, yah. There’s gonna be a long line out the door to date this “guy.” Very high demand.
Zorba123
I agree that this has been over dramatized. There’s even a group on Facebook called “Sides” for guys who don’t like to be either a top or bottom but like everything in between (even manual penetration). That being said, there are so many options so why whine over this one?
inbama
I came of age in the 70s, and I have no idea what you’re talking about. Almost al of the bottoms I met were smelled like roses back there. Heck – the baths had special faucets next to the toilet where you’d connect the plastic tubing they sold so you could flush out.
The bottom always gets some anal foreplay in porn. Who would rim a guy who hadn’t douched?
storm45701
Exactly. Backrooms and theaters, when they were in abundance, saw a lot of foreplay action and oral pursuits, but rarely any intercourse. My experience only, of course.
MrMichaelJ
Um, just about any total top wouldn’t hesitate to rim someone who hasn’t douched. In fact, the whole douching thing is kind of a turn off. Most people I would assume know good hygiene already and douching just seems to be way overkill.
RTG
My partner and I are approaching 29 years together. I can honestly say sexual compatibility in addition to personal compatibility have been the key. We “played the field” before meeting and we had both been in other relationships. I think the thing for Josh is to take that bit of self knowledge (I’m a total bottom) and use that when considering relationships. My first long term partner was 100% bottom- full stop. While I’m a capable topper, I’m actually 85%-90% a side (hey- I know what I like and that’s that) and only 10-15% top. I don’t bottom (yes, I have tried multiple times) because of a host of physical issues that have been with me since childhood. If bottoming felt good to me, I definitely would be doing it regularly. Quite frankly it’s not good even when it doesn’t hurt like hell. People need to understand their bodies and use that knowledge when approaching and communicating with their sexual and/or romantic partners.
Paulie P
2 bottoms don’t make a top.
period end of sentence. stop with the percentages.
2 bottoms do not make a top.
moving on.
sfhairy
Preach! This PC nonsense of there are no tops and bottoms is bullshit.
M1ke
I think the author and even some commentators are trying to psychoANALyze this too much. Enough of this PC bullshit about tops and bottoms..guess what? Some of us are indeed tops or bottoms…get over it, realize all you do is bottom..or top…and move on. This really isn’t that difficult. We’re spending way too much time focusing on reading what other people do, what books some know-it-alls wrote, try to be our own therapists…it’s insane. Figure out what you enjoy doing, figure out what your dick enjoys doing, and find compatibility…
JPDonahue
2 months? 2 years?
Both are mentioned.
Sounds like this started 2 months in and continued for 2 years.
Heywood Jablowme
Maybe it was two months that just SEEMED like two years.
RTG
He is inconsistent in the times he mentions. The first is two months, the second, two years. If it was indeed two years. they should have talked/figured it out a long, LONG before then.
Heywood Jablowme
In the past I’ve enjoyed Josh’s writing, and I hope the negative reaction here doesn’t totally traumatize him.
Josh, you’re about 30 (?) and it’ll just get worse as you get older. Nowadays, young gay guys have been trained to think “daddies” should ALWAYS be on top. (This never used to be a “thing” but it definitely is now, for some reason.) Queerty reflects this often, except on rare occasions when they suddenly realize how weird it is. Calling a sexual partner a “daddy” seems twisted & perverted to me – something that should be discussed only with a therapist.
Cam
Could the bottom have tried toys on his boyfriend, and then we he got used to being more active maybe given it another go? Maybe the mental block would have lessoned.
Or maybe it wouldn’t have, sorry this happened to him, but he shouldn’t feel any shame for wanting what he wants.
Dack52
I fully relate to the shame and anxiety which Josh describes so nicely…and succumbing for years and years to the ridicule and judgments of others for not wanting to top. My self esteem, already low, plunged even further and stayed there. The whole thing is far worse for those, like me, who also struggle to be a bottom because of severe hemorrhoids and a few other problems. For years and years, I steered away from dating–and drifted into a “second” closet– even though I had some glittering opportunities. Unfortunately I did not have enough self confidence to feel good about elevating oral sex and other intimacies above anal sex–and sharing that news with dates and potential boyfriends.
Me2
Mismatched lovers can happen. It’s absolutely no reason to have lasting self doubt. Total bottom or not, maybe the ex just wasn’t the right person to explore being vers with. Those “compromises” typically happen somewhat seemlessly when there’s deeper love and connection involved. I say continue to look for love and don’t let labels limit you. There are absolutely total tops out there. But there may also be someone who makes you comfortable enough to explore being verse to full completion.