OH MY GLOB!

Is Cartoon Network’s Adventure Time Perverting The Children Of America? (Answer: Yes!)

What is most frightening, beyond the epileptic colors [on Adventure Time], are the characters, who often indicate a socialist agenda among the writers and the staff both for the show and at Cartoon Network. We begin with the protagonist: Finn, an irresponsible young boy wearing seductively short shorts who schizophrenically socializes with his dangerous imaginary sex partners and experiments with cross-dressing.

Jake, a dog, is a stand in for the shameful fans of the show, he is overweight, lazy, sarcastic and all-around obnoxious. Jake does not respect dogs and it is clear that this show does not care for Man’s Best Friend, unless it is in some sort of ironic crude manner that is so popular among the youth nowadays. Jake has a gay sex partner named Lady Raincone, who is a tribute to Lady Gaga and My Little Pony. Lady Raincone is a rainbow unicorn and is one of the most homosexual components of the show.

Princess Bubblegum, a representative of a blend of the homogay lifestyle and the scary parts of the internet, is especially destructive. With her pink, feminine appearance she may even seem like a wholesome young lady, but this is deceptive. Her phallic crown and bad temper indicate that she represents angry hordes of flaming homosexuals, and her love for the myths of science and “Geek-dom” show that she is both an atheist and a feminist. Princess Bubblegum is the antithesis of morality and Christian values…

Each episode of Adventure Time profiles a different orgy or rave had by the gang and their Technicolor friends and enemies. They mask this for parents by identifying these gang bangs as “adventures,”, when in reality they are nothing but drugged sodomy and rainbow colored evildoing. Nearly every episode involves some sort of new dirty fetish or erotic fantasy being enacted by the posse, and sometimes strangers are involved…

We must stay firm and rigid in our moral defiance and protest sinful shows like Adventure Time. Adventure Time could potentially lead YOUR child to a lifetime of depressed nefarious fetishes and experimentation with sodomy and illicit drugs. Adventure Time glorifies atheism and homosexuality and should not be permitted anywhere in the Christian home.

—Crusader Christopher Christenson, railing against the morally corrupting power of Cartoon Network’s Adventure Time, on Christ Wire.