Is Cartoon Network’s Adventure Time Perverting The Children Of America? (Answer: Yes!)

What is most frightening, beyond the epileptic colors [on Adventure Time], are the characters, who often indicate a socialist agenda among the writers and the staff both for the show and at Cartoon Network. We begin with the protagonist: Finn, an irresponsible young boy wearing seductively short shorts who schizophrenically socializes with his dangerous imaginary sex partners and experiments with cross-dressing.

Jake, a dog, is a stand in for the shameful fans of the show, he is overweight, lazy, sarcastic and all-around obnoxious. Jake does not respect dogs and it is clear that this show does not care for Man’s Best Friend, unless it is in some sort of ironic crude manner that is so popular among the youth nowadays. Jake has a gay sex partner named Lady Raincone, who is a tribute to Lady Gaga and My Little Pony. Lady Raincone is a rainbow unicorn and is one of the most homosexual components of the show.

Princess Bubblegum, a representative of a blend of the homogay lifestyle and the scary parts of the internet, is especially destructive. With her pink, feminine appearance she may even seem like a wholesome young lady, but this is deceptive. Her phallic crown and bad temper indicate that she represents angry hordes of flaming homosexuals, and her love for the myths of science and “Geek-dom” show that she is both an atheist and a feminist. Princess Bubblegum is the antithesis of morality and Christian values…

Each episode of Adventure Time profiles a different orgy or rave had by the gang and their Technicolor friends and enemies. They mask this for parents by identifying these gang bangs as “adventures,”, when in reality they are nothing but drugged sodomy and rainbow colored evildoing. Nearly every episode involves some sort of new dirty fetish or erotic fantasy being enacted by the posse, and sometimes strangers are involved…

We must stay firm and rigid in our moral defiance and protest sinful shows like Adventure Time. Adventure Time could potentially lead YOUR child to a lifetime of depressed nefarious fetishes and experimentation with sodomy and illicit drugs. Adventure Time glorifies atheism and homosexuality and should not be permitted anywhere in the Christian home.

—Crusader Christopher Christenson, railing against the morally corrupting power of Cartoon Network’s Adventure Time, on Christ Wire.

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  • johnnyism

    FYI, ChristWire is satire.

  • Christopher

    @johnnyism: It’s amazing how many people get duped by Christwire.

  • Oh well

    Christ Wire is a hoax! Just like that Betty woman who has a fake church.

  • LandStander

    OMG hahahaha! Ok so, for those of you not in-the-know (like Mr. Avery maybe?), Christwire is kind of like the Onion. Only instead of satire of normal news, they satire crazy religious people.

    Don’t worry! It is very easy to be misled! It is hard to tell the difference between this satire and the real crazies (which says a lot about how crazy the real crazies are!)

  • FreddyMertz

    That was awesome!….I was like “say what!”….as I read it..then like I’m..”oooo…hell nah!”….then I started thinking of all those toons that crossed dressed…Bugs Bunny.the redneck Elmer Fudd, etc….and then I’m like “no she d’in’t!”..then I got to the bottom of the piece and saw Christwire..them I’m ROFL! They got me…bitches!

  • EmmaMTF

    >as I was reading “Wow, this sounds exactly like something I’d see on ChristWire”.

    >> … from ChristWire

    YES!!!! HAhahahahaa fucking <3 Christwire. Glorious mastertrolls at work, ladies n gents.

  • Shannon1981

    Christwire is trolling the whole world and getting away with it, Queerty. You got punked.

  • kouros

    lol hahahaha this is hilarious. Aside from the fact that this is sarcasm, adventure time is definitely not a kids show though, watch it high and it is the most hilarious thing ever

  • Tone

    Would anyone have been surprised if instead of Christwire this appeared on the deadly serious FOTF or AFA? Christers see naughtiness wherever they look, they’re the most sex-obsessed people on the planet.

  • Dan Avery

    I’m a big fan of Christ Wire and even have their book. I’m well aware it’s a satire site—it’s also funny as hell.

  • B

    No. 2 · Christopher wrote, “@johnnyism: It’s amazing how many people get duped by Christwire.” It’s not so amazing given how some fundamentalist Christian’s rantings make Christ Wire look reasonable!

  • DanChi

    Oh man, i think i need to start watching this show!

  • redboiwalkin

    y’know whats a fun drinking game? take a shot everytime they say or do something inappropriate on the show. stuff that would be innocent if you were a child, but well, “what” moments for everyone else :)

  • Pat Duffy

    All Hail Gunther;>!

  • oska

    “Finn, an irresponsible young boy wearing seductively short shorts who schizophrenically socializes with his dangerous imaginary sex partners and experiments with cross-dressing.”

    have they seen bugs bunny!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Danny

    ROFL… Christwire should end all their articles with “Now remember, if you’re a true Christian and reading this, stop masturbating this instant. God is watching.” :D

  • Ben

    Oh my Glob! This article is funny…still gonna watch adventure time though because its funny and the voice of the dog is the same as Bender from futureama

  • IzzyLuna

    I never knew about this show but after that REVIEW, damn….! I’m SO WATCHING IT NOW!

  • Ramsey

    Wow, I was ready to go off until I saw it was from ChristWire. I love Adventure Time!! Especially LSP!!

  • stevoj

    every time i get on the treadmill at the gym this show comes on and EVERY TIME i nearly fall off that thing from laughing so hard

    this show has got to be one of the funniest programs on television. thanks for spreading the word Chris!

  • Bryan

    Lol, while the article is stupid, it does have a minor point about Adventure Time, there are lots of subtle, hidden perverted stuff that should not be in a children’s cartoon.

  • linger

    It’s not “Lady Raincone,” it’s “Lady Rainicorn.” And she’s not gay at all…she and Jake have a completely heterosexual relationship. Although, it is interspecies (there’s actually a plot point about how the rainicorns and dogs had a war with each other, and Jake worried about whether her parents would be hate him for his race).

  • FakeDrudge

    Fakedrudged. Thanks for the lulz.

  • Maya

    What a twat. MAYBE if you didn’t force religion and how kids are supposed to be down their throats they might see the standards. There is NOTHING wrong with adventure time, you sick demonic bastard.

  • Christian Comics

    Many cartoonists and artists in Asia’s media are going through a transition. The iconic image of an artist hunched over a cluttered desk in a corner of a busy newsroom still rings true for many of them except that they now hold close both their pencils and computer mice.

  • Bossalino

    What the Glob…that article is tops blooby

  • Nathoa

    LOL satire.

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