![anorexia_2.jpg](https://queerty-prodweb.s3.amazonaws.com/2007/12/anorexia_2.jpg)
JJ: Since you have been there have you been doing everything they ask you to do?
JG: No, I haven’t been finishing my meals or taking my replacements, which is a liquid nutrient, and I have purged. I have been very suicidal and depressed since I’ve been here. The way I was brought here was very disturbing for me.
AB: So, you are not cooperating with them?
JG: I’m trying. I’m having a difficult time with some things. I had a one-to-one for a while because I was throwing up and hiding it in my room. I had been doing it so much at home, to stop it cold turkey was unrealistic. But, at any rate, then I had someone with me 24 hours a day for four days, which was really undignifying for me. It’s hard to have someone following you around, especially considering I was such a private person.
JJ: You say you were going to be checking yourself in anyway, so can you get past the issue of how you came there and just accept your situation? Work with the doctors and nurses?
JG: I go back and forth on that. If I am not able to fulfill this commitment then I will be forced to go to a state hospital, which is very unpleasant. I was in one 20 years ago. If there is a good side, though, it is that the state hospital facilities are not as strict, so I would be able to engage in the behavior that brings me so much comfort. I alternate between thinking I am here and I might as well adapt and if I go to a state hospital, it will not be as astringent.
JJ: Have the Doctors told you that you will die if you don’t improve?
JG: Yeah, and like I said, I feel almost dead.
JJ: Are you not wanting to eat or simply not hungry?
JG: Eating and food have nothing to do with it. It is what brings me comfort and helps me deal with life stresses over the years is the eating and purging. I want to eat, but the purging gives me such a sense of relief, it is like doing cocaine or other drugs and then it become so habitual after a while. It becomes a hard addiction to stop.. I have been doing it for 18 hours a day. Throwing up gives me a buzz. They have done research and found that purging releases the same sorts of dopamine as cocaine.
JJ: Your body is wired so that you cop some sort of buzz from purging in the same way someone else might cop one from weed or blow?
JG: Right, and it relieves anxiety.
![1.jpg](https://queerty-prodweb.s3.amazonaws.com/2007/12/1.jpg)
JJ: You had mentioned to me before that you can purge without sticking fingers down your throat; in fact, you can do it by just bending over. So how does the staff keep you from bending over?
JG: They just make certain that someone is with me all the time after I eat. Sometime I do it in front of them because it gives me such relief.
JJ: Do you think that, like with detoxing, in a week or two your body will start to adjust?
JG: Yes, but I haven’t gone a week yet without purging, because even though I am being watched, I have done it in secret and hid it in cups and bags. I don’t think I have given my body or self time to go through a detox.
JJ: So you have goals in life: to travel, to write a book – it’s clear you have a story to tell – doesn’t that give you an incentive to get better?
JG: I have always had goals, it is just that I don’t think I can achieve them, or I have a fear of success. I think that if I had a clear purpose, I don’t think I would be having such a problem with this eating disorder.
JJ: What positive things are happening to you since you have been there?
JG: My nursing assistant said that I looked better but I interpreted that to mean I look fat so it was a bit of a downer for me when most people would think it was a compliment. So as far as that goes, I am healthier than when I came in.
JJ: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?
JG: I see myself as being really puffy, like I don’t need to be here medically anymore, but I have not gained enough weight to be discharged.
JJ: Do you see you self as thin?
JG: No, not at all. The ironic thing is that I did before I came in. They will not tell us our weight.
JJ: When you saw the photos in the paper – you agree that those looked thin?
JG: Yes, I could tell from that but when I look in the mirror now, I don’t think I look thin. I don’t think I need to be here.
JJ: What medication do they have taking?
JG: Well right now they can only give me small doses of Ativan to help me deal with my anxiety. Until I put on more weight, they can not put me on anything stronger The dieticians are really more involved than anyone else because the reality is that food is your medicine.
JJ: So we have seen the photos of hunky Jeremy, and we can agree that gay men have a bit of an ego when it comes to our body. Does your ego play a role in any of this?
JG: I think part of my problem was that when I got involved in the gay community, they seemed so hard on other gay men……even men with what I would consider perfect bodies. I don’t want to talk myself into getting better so I can look like I did in the hunky photos again, I think the goal should be more for my health.
Those of you who want to send Jeremy some love can use this address:
Jeremy Gillitzer
c/o: Park Nicolett Clinic Eating Disorder Institute
St. Louis Park, MN, 55416
6500 Excelsior Blvd
Eating Disorder Institute
hisurfer
I used to work in crisis intervention, and the quick answer (to one of your questions) is that, in general, a state has the right to interfere when a life is in imminent danger (potential homicide or suicide). The laws vary on a state-by-state basis. The standard model is that a crisis worker will get an ex-parte order from a judge, who will allow a person to be held involuntarily for x number of hours (24-72). Within that period a shrink will need to certify that a person is an imminent threat to themselves or others, after which they can be held longer.
A lot of new judges are initially reluctant to grant forced mental health admits. The first death tends to change their minds.
jasonmcdowell
Jeremy, if you happen to read this, as someone who has had eating disorders in my life, I know it is hard to break the cycle it feels like you are losing control, but as time moves on you come to realize that you are really regaining control. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Stay Beautiful
Matt
Don’t wring your pretty little hands, Queerty. You can have your ideological cake and eat it too (though the cliche may be particuarly inappropriate in this case and I regret using it). You can still fervently uphold an individual’s right to make his or her own life/death decisions, but only if they can do so rationally. I’m totally not a doctor, but I would suspect that Jeremy’s eating disorders may have altered his body chemicals and had a psychological impact that could impair his reason. So in this case, I would say the state is justified in using its protective powers.
And I echo jasonmcdowell, and will keep Jeremy in my thoughts. This is a terrible thing.
Ko Miami
This is a sad story but an important one. Best of luck to Jeremy. His battle is hard but he seems to have the strength to deal with it. Talking about it so openly is a huge step.
You are in our thoughts….Miami
Chris
Wouldn’t anybody listen to Jeremy? He said he was going to check himself in right after Thanksgiving. Everything was totally under control, right? He just needed to get some things taken care of before he checked himself in, right? Probably pay off some bills, try to cancel his AOL, etc. And let’s not forget Thanksgiving. Sounds like a bunch of empty excuses from a very sweet guy with a very serious problem. Not to be nasty, but you were never going to check yourself in. Instead of spending your time at the hospital thinking about how you can get get a new lawyer; try utilizing the help your state is offering and focus on getting better.
codymurp
It is terrible, but obviously there is a lot going on with him inside. He needs therapy and a better attitude.
hells kitchen guy
If anorexia is a scream for attention, aren’t you enabling him by posting this?
jeremy
thanks to andrew for posting this and to all of you who supported me
jeremy gillitzer
Donnie
jeremy, we talked today for a minute over the phone. you did sound better than the other day. i think of you alot, especially since i have an eating disorder too. its not easy to deal with this disease from day to day. i can honestly say i know how you feel. i pray that you will get better and become happy again. talk soon my friend. 🙂
donnie
Allen
I saw him recently biking downtown. He still looks like death warmed over.
Hope he gets better.
leonorucha
Hi Jeremy. I’ve just read about you in a italian magazine. So i decided to search u in the web and i’m here. i tell u that i know what means bulimia or anorexia, cause i’m destroying all the mechanism tha caused these problems. I win on them but not yet on the psicological deviations. So… i hope u will get better with yourself, and i hope i will do the same, life is one, life is our.. if u want, i’m here:
http://www.leonorucha.splinder.com
Ketty Maus
http://www.alice-miller.com/articles_en.php?lang=en&nid=59&grp=11
Perry Ruedy
Jeremy Gilitzer passed away this past weekend.
May 28, 2010