Sometimes you just gotta know when you’re trying to take on something way too huge.

Take this drunk person recently caught on surveillance camera at the famed West Hollywood adult gift shop Circus of Books, for instance.

They literally took a massive 30-inch penis-shaped sex toy off the shelf and tried to nonchalantly walk past the cashier, like they weren’t carrying something the size of a small golden retriever.

Seriously, y’all. The toy was thirty inches — that’s two-and-a-half feet! And this was not just any sex toy. The WeHoTimes reported that it was the FAAK Fantasy Massive Black C*ck 30″, a ginormous weiner that’s nearly 31 inches long, 7 inches thick, and 11 inches wide. The darn thing retails for $699.95 (niiiiice), and is basically a weapon of ass destruction.

The 39-second surveillance video showed that the would-be thief could barely fit it under their arm, let alone anywhere else. Circus of Books employee Marcus Blackwell told the aforementioned publication that store’s workers were “ready like Freddy” to follow “the ‘hot mess klepto’ before the person was able to make a getaway.”

Related: Meet the straight mom & pop who secretly ran Circus of Books for years

The shoplifter didn’t even make it out the front door before the quick-acting cashier stopped them. They just apologetically walked behind the cashier as the worker carried the giant dong back to the shelf and placed it… alongside an even larger giant-sized toy! What is going on in WeHo? Those boys must be hunnnngry!

But let’s let this be a lesson to us all. You really shouldn’t try and take 31 inches in public, even if it’s at Folsom Street Fair or an adult bookstore. It’s just too much, and something embarrassing is bound to happen.

It’s unclear if the store called the police. We’d like to call the thief and ask what they planned on doing with the huge artifact. Maybe they planned on displaying it as a conversational “art” piece for their coffee table or dining room? We wouldn’t suggest bottoming for such a monstrous thing, not without a bucket-sized bottle of poppers, a barrel’s worth of lube, and 911 on speed dial.

History buffs may know that Circus of Books has its own spot in gay history — apart from being the location of the largest cock heist we’ve ever seen. It’s located in a part of WeHo which was once a cruisey gay spot known as Vaseline Alley. It was one of the few places where locals could buy sex objects, and it was also a community meeting place and occasional art space for sex-positive queer men.

The store opened in 1960 and was acquired by a straight, child-raising couple named Karen and David Mason in 1982. It closed in February 2019, but reopened in January 2020 as Chi Chi LaRue’s Circus, named after a local director of adult films. LaRue’s name was later removed, and now the store is known as Circus of Books West.

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