What Went Down On The Season Finale Of The A-List: New York?

A friend of mine recently told me that The A-List’s Rodiney Santiago is a mean-spirited, dumb as rocks diva whose number one relationship issue with Reichen is that they’re both bottoms. I like Rodiney (and not just because he’s hiding a man-hammer in those briefs the producers force him to wear every episode). I find him as endearing as a Golden Retriever with a brain tumor and after watching this circus of shame for an entire season, I finally stumbled upon an essay which nails why Rodiney’s the only likable character in this entire meat-puppet show:

“While Rodiney appears to be aware of the fact that he is on camera, he doesn’t seem to understand the level of play-acting required from the medium of reality TV… When Reichen brings up the fact that he’ll be having a private dinner with Austin, a look of hurt and confusion flashes across Rodiney’s face that seems so genuine that it’s hard not to feel very bad for the man — and it actually makes you think he walked onto a reality show without having even the faintest clue of what to expect… A large part of what makes Rodiney compelling, and more than just a figure of ridicule, is that he represents an earlier, more innocent time in popular culture… a delightful reminder of the crude and unpolished pleasures that reality TV, in its earlier incarnations, could bring to television.”

In our media-obsessed culture where celebrities pre-plan “leaked” sex tapes and reality TV contestants go on to become minor celebrities, I wondered if there’s anyone left who wouldn’t know how to play overdramatic for a reality TV show. Apparently there are, they just live in different countries.

We only “enjoy” The A-List: New York because of its other over-the-top bitchy characters. If the show only featured men as sweet and naive as Rodiney, it’d be horrendously boring. That being said, after this season wraps up, we’ll soon have the antics of The A-List: Dallas and LA to boycott protest set on fire and send to hell enjoy. In the meanwhile, thanks for coming along for this candy-coated saunter towards Babylon.

9:02 PM CST – Is it weird that I am a tad sad that this is ending? Back in the lakehouse its breakfast time and both Austin and Reichen wear briefs because they’re hungry for each other. TJ and Ryan both enter the breakfast nook wearing frocks and I’m pretty sure that moments before going to sleep they at least gave each other disinterested handjobs and air kissed before applying their facial masks. Ryan says he wants “a hefty serving of Austin bitch-slapping Rodiney.”

After jet-skiing, Rodiney threatens to feed everyone a cabbage salad. “I’m not gonna make you eat my salad,” Rodiney says… but oh Rodiney we wish that you would make us eat it.

9:07PM CST – Austin pulls a supremely bitchy act by taking a mouthful of Rodiney’s man-salad and then spitting it out like its just another weekday night in Chelsea. Then over lunch Austin basically pulls his master plan to make Reichen and Rodiney break up over the esalada de ropollo. Everyone wants to shut Austin up but they also know that without his re-hashing this tired old issue that there will be absolutely nothing to discuss.

9:11 PM CST – Commercial: Hopefully The A-List’s season finale also means the finale of this horrible Julia Stiles Stoli vodka commercial.

9:15 PM CST – Meanwhile back in New York, Mike Ruiz has an actual fundraising event for The Trevor Project with Vanessa Williams. He’s trying to rescue young queers from the horrible queeny stereotypes that might make them want to kill themselves. Stereotypes perpetuated by… nah, too easy.

9:16 PM CST – Austin’s swimming naked again except that this time Derek thinks it’s brilliant “because he’s doing it to piss off Reichen and make Rodiney uncomfortable.” Um… hey Derek, don’t you realize it was brilliant the first time because he did it to piss you off and make TJ uncomfortable? Remind me why no one with date Derek again?

9:19 PM CST – Wow, it only took eleventeen episodes for the guys to actually discuss the gay marriage between Ryan and whoever the hell his husband is. What’s great is that the meremention of a pre-nuptial agreement moves Austin to a tearful apology to Rodiney and Reichen.

Austin has a good blubbery cry and hugs Reichen who is wearing a goddamn shaw. Then Rodiney starts tearing up… and then TJ starts tearing up, because he’s an emotional chameleon that can only display whatever emotion the next person next to him is feeling, which explains why he attacked Rodiney on behalf of Austin several episodes back. Poor shaved TJ lives in Brooklyn… it’s not his fault! They’re all emotional scavengers out in Bushwick.

9:22 PM CST – Line of the episode: Derek says “Watching Rodiney and Reichen break up and get back together over and over again is like watching someone vomit and eat the vomit and vomit all over again. It’s disgusting.” God bless you Derek. You’re like the William Butler Yeats of reality television or some shit.

9:25 PM CST – LOGO Promo: If you really wanna be “A-List” go to all the places that the Foursquare computer demands and then you could possibly maybe never win $1,000!!! That’s like almost 66 New York cocktails!

9:28 PM CST – Austin makes sure to remind everyone that despite his tearful apology last night that he still thinks that Reichen and Rodiney’s relationship sucks butt (and not in a good way). Awwww… that’s so sweet! The boys aren’t even off of the lakehouse lawn ready to head home when they’re already discussing popping painkillers and getting massages by the Korea-town manhandlers.

9:31 PM CST – We finally get to hear Reichen’s Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell pop music masterpiece!!! It sounds like… um… like he needs a decades worth of voice lessons. Reichen’s so happy that he actually has a pop song that he tunes out the despair of his producers. They’re all like, “You see, what we really need to do is… um… replace you… kinda they did in the musical you were in.”

9:33 PM CST – Austin’s chunky agent says that Austin is too chunky to do anything but date his fake twink Brit boyfriend and eat shepherd’s pie in London like a lonely fatass sitting in the pub remembering his shattered model dreams . Austin enthusiastically agrees. He really is in love with whats-his-twink and Austin’s gonna move to Austin and maybe… NEVER COME BACK!!! Oh no! What will Derek do? He and Derek are totally best friends, for like the last three episodes.

9:34 PM CST – Oh look! A black woman in an HIV commercial. And with that, LOGO’s commercial racism comes full circle. Let us take a moment to mourn for all our other queer brothers and sisters who weren’t represented often in ads either: the poor, the crippled, the very old, Native Americans, dykey lesbians, Eskimoes, leprechauns, Methodists.

9:35 PM CST: Commercial – Chase Bank features a commercial about a little boy who goes to Africa and finds a really big bone. You and me both, gurl.

9:38 PM CST – Ryan tells TJ that he and Desmond (Ryan’s hubs) are gonna have a gaybie via a surrogate. “I’m gonna be an aunt!” TJ excitedly exclaimes which makes Ryan slightly recoil with disgust. Ryan mentions that he’d hate to have a girl and that if he has one, he’ll force her wear fake eyelashes and dresses even if she wants to wear pants. Basically he’ll make her conform to the bullshit gender stereotypes that force teens to call The Trevor Project.

9:47 PM CST – Technical difficulties on Queerty. I have somehow managed to make a balls of the live blog. Anyway, Reichen makes his pop debut embarrassing himself in front of Mike Ruiz and about 19 other gay men at some hole in the wall gay bar. As they smoke a cigarette, Derek and Austin rehash how mind-blowingly ass-mazing it is that that they’re actually friends despite being such horrible people. I’m secretly hoping that they end up together. TJ would be CRUSHED!

9:53 PM CST – Commercial: A blue-eyed Dustin Lance Black lookalike goes into tool shed, opens a secret box full of lightning, and then throws his electric javelin into a cornfield which is like a metaphor… for being closeted in the south… or something.

9:55 PM CST – Commercial: Macy’s plays Rent’s “525,600 Minutes” for their commercial selling wedding jewelry. How horribly ironic is that? Right song, wrong item. Hey Macy’s! Thanks for spitting diamonds in our faces. Maybe the jewelry is only available in Massachusetts, Iowa, and Vermont.

9:57 CST PM – After Austin tells Reichen how much he enjoyed Reichen’s retched pop song, Reichen then hears Austin drunkenly tell TJ and Austin how shitty it actually was. WHAT?!! HONESTY?!!! Reichen’s pissed. So disappointed in fact, that he cock blocks himself by mentioning Austin’s hijinks yet again to Rodiney while they ride home in a cab together. Usually Rodiney hates talking about Austin, but tonight he loves hearing Reichen finally say what he’s known from episode one, that Austin is dishonest and up to no good. Then they share an awkward kiss in front of the camera despite the fact that Rodiney looks hot as balls.

When Reichen drunkenly tells Rodiney, “I love you and I want us to have a peaceful life together,” you almost believe him. Except that you can taste the Stoli vodka wafting off his breath and melting the TV screen. Look what Julia Stiles and her evil twin have reduced him to!

The show ends with Austin shaking his bare ass to bad techno on a gay bar balcony, an apt image for the highbrow queerness this show embodies.

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