“RuPaul’s Drag Race” Recap: Different Reading, Different Rainbow

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I’m going to be honest with you: I was tipsy on white wine and positively drunk with joy at Serena ChaCha’s removal from the competition last week. No one misses her, and her memory is wiped away like so much lipstick off the mirror.

Of course, everyone wants to express their unending support for Monica Beverly Hillz now that she’s outed herself as transgendered, but ain’t nobody got time for affirmations when there’s a good, old-fashioned feud still a-brewing. Love and acceptance are cute and all, but we need some action. Vivienne Pinay (at the urging of the producers, I assume) prods both Alyssa Edwards and Coco Montrese about their prior drama, but is stymied by their shared ability to talk endlessly without actually saying anything. It’s a shame that the opening credits play right as the conversation gets started, because I can’t imagine when there will be an opportunity to bring this up again.

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This week’s mini-challenge asks the ladies to couple off and raise a mannequin child together. So heteronormative. Although Detox gains a little ground by half-assing an impersonation of Rachel Zoe that mostly involves saying “I’m Rachel Zoe” a lot, the game is Alaska’s through and through. I hope she and Sharon Needles aren’t trying to adopt right now, because Lil’ Pound Cake’s pageant behavior would have Child Protective Services calling for reinforcements. There were so many bleeped words during her presentation that I momentarily worried my TV was broadcasting in Morse code.

Despite (or because of) the foulness, Alaska and Lineysha Sparx are rewarded for their lack of maternal instinct and get to be leaders of this week’s main competition. With so many queens in the workroom, Ru knows that unless she forces them into teams, it’ll be like herding really fabulous cats. Keeping with the Up-and-Coming Legendary Children theme, she assigns her girls the task of creating a kids’ show. I’m not sure who in the writing room was sick enough to propose an entire episode dedicated to pre-schoolers, but that person deserves a bonus that I’m sure will be spent entirely on more club drugs.

Alaska nominates herself as the host of her program, bringing lots of personality but precious little drag. Her choice to wear overalls and no wig causes Ru and Michelle to gawk at her like she swallowed a baby whole. Yet not thirty seconds later, Detox is introduced as Clucky the Cock and no one bats a false eyelash. She’s not even dressed as a male of this species! Surely that rings a couple alarm bells? The Word of the Day segment that follows has more box double entendres that you can shake a stick at (see what I did there?), and Roxxxy Andrews’ salad-tossing tutorial is just plain delicious. I thought Vivienne’s blandness would hold the team back until Alyssa and Monica Beverly Hillz came out to teach us about the phrase “dead weight.” Monica should have gotten into the shade sooner, because she’s displaying signs of heat stroke-related brain damage.

On Lineysha’s side, the team is a little light on ideas. When Ru meets with them, they get the uh-oh edit, complete with that dramatic strings sound that’s supposed to make you feel like one of them is going to drop dead in a second. It’s not a fake-out, either: the filming of their presentation is grim. Jinkx Monsoon does her best to save this sinking ship, but no amount of enthusiasm could have obscured the carnage. Jade Jolie complains that she would have done better if the word of the day hadn’t been announced before her entrance, but I don’t truly believe she had much thunder to steal in the first place. Ivy Winters and Lineysha give a technically accurate yet entertainment-free recipe for a banana split, but they look like Meryl Streep and Glenn Close next to Coco and Honey Mahogany, whose ventriloquist routine should have been chopped up and used as kindling.

Before the judging can commence, Alyssa and Coco engage in another pointless rehash of their old problems. Still, nothing is revealed or resolved. They need to stow that baggage in the overhead compartment because everyone wants to get to the runway already. Don’t delay my reunion with Paulina Porizkova; I’ve missed her signature dry bitchiness since she was fired from America’s Next Top Model and I can’t wait a moment longer! (Ice-T’s wife I could take or leave, truthfully.)

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The “Pretty in Pink” theme this week elicits some surprising selections from our ladies. Ru’s take is so forward-thinking that it redefines pink as a shade of acid green that my television can’t display properly. Jinkx makes looking like Glenn Close into a trend by serving Dangerous Liaisons on the runway and getting compared to Alex Forrest from Fatal Attraction in her hosting costume. Roxxxy Andrews brings the class and covers her ass, but Detox turns more heads and secures a win by wearing a barely-there mesh number and showing off her cock talents. In the video segment, pervs. And that’s not a reference to her porn past.

Over in the danger zone, Alaska receives praise for her Wolfenstein-meets-Candyland couture, but scorn for her decision to bro out on everyone. Why did she even pack overalls? Were they in the same suitcase as the horse mask? Vivienne is called out for being boring (accurate), but Monica and Coco were both too atrocious to be allowed and will have to lip sync for their lives.

While it at first seemed exceptionally misguided for the oldest of the contestants to sport lurid babydoll drag on the catwalk, it comes together when the Pussycat Dolls’ “When I Grow Up” starts thumping. Coco explodes into a spinning frenzy like a Tazmanian Devil on club drugs, and her lip-syncing pyrotechnics leave no question that she’ll be safe for another week. Sorry, Monica, but it’s time to sashay away. Looks like there are no rewards for revealing your secrets on reality TV.

But there are AWARD AWARDS!

To Lineysha Sparx, I bestow the Jessica Wild Memorial Fraggle Doll for being the second queen in Drag Race history to mention Muppets. Or, in this case, “muffets,” which is 1,000 percent better.

Detox, in addition to winning a “wig wardrobe” prize, has earned the Jessica Wild Memorial Feather Boa for being the second queen in Drag Race history to win a challenge in a chicken suit.

And lastly, the Jessica Wild Memorial Berry Açai Cocktail goes to RuPaul, for delivering a rendition of the Anita Bump character that got almost too real in its altered-state realness. Put down the club drugs, girl.

ON UNTUCKED: Ivy Winters forgets someone’s name for the second week in a row. Everyone continues to yammer about the Alyssa/Coco non-story. And Jade Jolie gets a video message from her man back home. She is his first boyfriend because he was sleeping with women before they met, so I have absolutely no doubt that theirs is a forever kind of love. No doubt at all.

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