Satanists Announce Plans To Turn Fred Phelps Gay In The Afterlife

More bad news for ailing Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps.

The Satanic Temple has announced plans to turn the dying 84-year-old hatemonger gay once he crosses over to the other side.

“Fred Phelps is now in the process of doing probably the one thing that he’ll ever do for which he will have my gratitude,” Satanic Temple leader Lucien Greaves said in a statement released earlier this week, “He is dying.”

Last summer, Greaves performed a post-mortem homosexual conversion or “pink mass” on Fred Phelps’s mother, turning her gay for all eternity.

“At the time, I predicted that Fred hadn’t too much longer till he would pass, and I stated – in a direct tweet to the WBC – that I would be presiding over Fred’s own Pink Mass before too long,” Greaves continued. “As I have made a promise to a dying man, I fully intend to do my very best to see it through, and the pomp and circumstance of this Pink Mass will surely far, far exceed that of the original event in Meridian, Mississippi.”

Sounds intriguing.

Over the weekend, Phelps’ son, Nathan, announced his father was “on the edge of death at Midland Hospice house in Topeka, Kansas.” This was later confirmed by WBC spokesperson Steve Drain, who told Daily News, “Fred Phelps is having some health problems. He’s an old man and old people get health problems.”

No word from WBC on how they feel about Phelps’ planned post-mortem homosexual conversion.

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  • kevininbuffalo

    I suspect Fred already is a closeted homo. I refuse to call him Gay.

  • Citroen

    Right, he’s so virulently anti-gay because he can’t accept his own homosexuality.

  • Uisce

    How demeaning to the body of Frank N. Furter.

  • Texasteacher

    Westboro Baptist Church is completely transparent in what they’re doing: They know that their leader is on his deathbed and in order to discourage people from picketing his funeral as they have done to so many others, they spread the rumor that he has been excommunicated and state that they don’t have funerals for religious reasons. They can’t take what they’ve been dishing out to everyone else. There is no other reason for releasing all three pieces of information at one time. How pathetic.

  • LadyL

    Let me just go ahead and say it: Good Riddance To Bad Rubbish.

  • hotshot70

    let’s all picket his funeral.

  • Harley

    I’m sure he will probably be cremated and his ashes flushed down the toilet all in an effort to keep the pink mass from happening. Fortunately the Mormons have shown us you don’t need a body or a gravesite to convert a soul after death. Just a good genealogist.

  • dvlaries

    When a person who gained notoriety by trumpeting their very hateful worthlessness finally pops off, although it requires self-control, the smart response is probably to spend as little effort taking notice as possible.

  • CleJoke

    For today is the day for Fred Phelp’s pink mass.

    I hope everyone loses their mind and goes off on this one.

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