KARMA'S CALLING

Satanists Announce Plans To Turn Fred Phelps Gay In The Afterlife

More bad news for ailing Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps.

The Satanic Temple has announced plans to turn the dying 84-year-old hatemonger gay once he crosses over to the other side.

“Fred Phelps is now in the process of doing probably the one thing that he’ll ever do for which he will have my gratitude,” Satanic Temple leader Lucien Greaves said in a statement released earlier this week, “He is dying.”

Last summer, Greaves performed a post-mortem homosexual conversion or “pink mass” on Fred Phelps’s mother, turning her gay for all eternity.

“At the time, I predicted that Fred hadn’t too much longer till he would pass, and I stated – in a direct tweet to the WBC – that I would be presiding over Fred’s own Pink Mass before too long,” Greaves continued. “As I have made a promise to a dying man, I fully intend to do my very best to see it through, and the pomp and circumstance of this Pink Mass will surely far, far exceed that of the original event in Meridian, Mississippi.”

Sounds intriguing.

Over the weekend, Phelps’ son, Nathan, announced his father was “on the edge of death at Midland Hospice house in Topeka, Kansas.” This was later confirmed by WBC spokesperson Steve Drain, who told Daily News, “Fred Phelps is having some health problems. He’s an old man and old people get health problems.”

No word from WBC on how they feel about Phelps’ planned post-mortem homosexual conversion.