An autistic gay man is opening up about what sex is like for him in a new confessional published by The Guardian.
In the post, the man, who does not reveal his name, describes himself as “a homosexual man in my mid-50s diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome or high-functioning autism.”
What does that mean exactly? We’ll let him explain:
In formal environments such as higher education and work, I come across as reasonably normal, pleasant, chatty if a bit shy and wary, and unusually sympathetic (albeit in a detached way, as if I were a professional counsellor). Outside work, I am introverted, a creature of habit, mistrustful of people, preferring seclusion and personal autonomy. People regard me as remote and eccentric. A comfortable level of social interaction consists of talking for a couple of hours over dinner, a few times a year, within a small circle of trusted friends. I do not bond emotionally with anyone, including immediate family.
And it’s the “not bonding emotionally with anyone” part that can make sex a little, well, tricky.
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I have always had an extreme fear of disease contagion, and even the thought of casual contact with people’s microbiomes repels me. For these reasons I have never wanted intimate relationships.
Yet, despite this, he’s still a sexual being with needs. So how, given his unique challenges, does he get those needs met?
“In the least risky, least effortful manner,” he writes. “Solitary masturbation, one to three times a day.”
One to three times… a day?!
Over time, the man says he has come view his sexuality as more of a “biological urge” than anything, one that bears “no relevance or value in relation to the rest of my life”.
“The aspiration for love and sex is not universal,” he concludes. “Nor is it exclusively people with a low sex drive who choose a solitary life.”
h/t: The Guardian
QueerTruth
I applaud the Guardian for their story. However, this particular man’s experience is his own and not what all men (or women) experience regarding intimacy for people who fall within the autistic spectrum.
The way in which Gremore edits the comments here may give readers an impression this man speaks for all, which is simply not that case whatsoever.
Donston
There are plenty of non autistic gay/homo-leaning people (and hell, hetero people) who, especially once they hit a certain age, become disinterested in sexual behaviors with others or falling in love. It’s not unusual stuff. Even this site has highlighted gay people with autitism or other “developmental disorders” who are very much into sex and romantic love.
I’m cool with him sharing his story, but based off this site’s headline and the pulled quotes they make it seem as if he’s speaking for all or most autistic people. While honestly, considering all the details it sounds like he has a number of things going on.
RomanHans
Huh. Still wondering what sex is like when you’re gay and autistic.
Raymundo
Pretty fucking amazing
Heywood Jablowme
An “extreme fear of disease contagion” is not a feature of autism. It’s a separate and coincidental thing. A therapist might be able to help him to a more reasonable fear level.
In gay life, it’s true that sometimes guys get annoyed with someone for “not bonding emotionally with anyone.” But fortunately that’s okay, since it’s also true that long-term, NSA, sex-only relationships are possible in gay male life, and certainly much easier to find than in the hetero world.
Since he’s in his 50s, the worrisome part is masturbating 3 times a day! That’s a lot when you’re over 50. (Albeit impressive, lol.) It indicates extreme anxiety, and probably the “death grip” (Dan Savage’s charming term) which would make most real sexual interaction pretty difficult.
Mkiel
it seems the only option where I live is internet dating which I don’t like so the only sexaul outlet is porn,I am 67 & masturbate @ least once a day & often twice. I have had prostate cancer for 10 years, & though I orgasm I don’t come .
crowebobby
“…one to three times a day…” If only I could!!! I’m 81 and the infinite treasure troves of amateur porn available (the pros are mostly dull as yesterday’s dishwater) could be the gift that keeps on giving. (Oh, yes, reading all those classics you promised yourself you would get to in retirement and donating time to the community is all very noble and rewarding, but watching someone you would never in your best years have had access to jerk off in the shower or get their first blowjob is a modern miracle it is tragic not to be able to take advantage of.)
buzzy58
I totally agree with you, crowebobby! I am only 60 and I would kill to be able to masterbate 3 times a day. Hell, I’m lucky if it happens once a month.
You also mentioned amateur porn. I LOVE amateur porn far more than pro porn. Do you know any good amateur free sites?
leezroder
I am high functioning autistic and my experience with sex and sex and sexuality has been some what different. Thought intimacy is difficult because sometimes I don’t want people touching me or don’t like being so exposed, when I really trust someone (or am just really horny) the sex can be great
rodzilla
“when I really trust someone (or am just really horny) the sex can be great…” i wonder if that goes for just about everybody or if i am autistic also? in either case good luck to all of ya!
Donston
Though I have indulged a few one night stands I’ve always been a take my time with you type of dude. Most people (yes, even most guys) aren’t trying to get it with whoever and whenever. You also have to question how much of some things are connected to the autitism or aspergers and how much of something is just an individual’s personality, their past experiences and/or certain other personality or psychological developments.
Geeker
I’m 47 and on the spectrum and emotional connections can be difficult for me as well but I still hold out hope that I’ll eventually meet someone that will make me want to overcome that.
Brian-E
I’m on the autism spectrum too. My main outlet for my sexuality is men’s saunas. The fact that I don’t actually enjoy penetrative sex of any kind helps here. Simply touching intimately is enough for me. And in these places you can do that without commitment, without having to make small talk or doing any of the other social interaction which goes on in normal situations and which I find so difficult. Intimacy without the stress of social interaction – it’s perfect for me.
S.anderson
I know at least one high functioning fellow with Asperger’s who just loves body contact, cuddling, kissing and oral. But he exhibits the stereotypical “don’t touch me!” behaviour if you happen to creep him out.
1898
theres a reason why they call it a spectrum. people are all over the map. a friend of mine has aspergers and he has the most active sex life of anyone i know. he’s also very social and very loving and is completely capable of forming deep emotional bonds with others. he has plenty of other problems related to aspergers, but sex/intimacy/romance are not on that list of problems
Birdbrain1963
Maybe I am in the spectrum. I never really thought of it too much. I find that now that I am in my 50’s and still unable to feel love with any of my friends. I go through motions of love making and loving others with kind acts, but still no connections. I had a friend say once that I may be incapable of loving another man or anyone. I feel that I miss the connection from my love of my family. I just don’t feel anything or get it…
I see others with relationships and I’m hurt, but I cannot grasp what it is that makes their connection possible. I am a feeling person, but not when it comes to acts of love….