Since time immemorial, the story has remained the same: The holidays are about getting together with friends, learning that it’s better to give than receive, and strutting around the house in extremely revealing briefs.
We can help with that last part. We here at Queerty have banded together with a crack team of underwear freaks to bring to you a selection of achingly sexy undergarments guaranteed to cock an eyebrow or two. Think of this underwear as fancy gift-wrapping paper for your loins. Which isn’t weird.
Wake up call: You’re not the only one trying to be a super-sexy Santa this holiday season. Competition is fierce, so get with it. Step into the game by slipping into the Modus Vivendi Bon Bon Brief. Featuring high cut sides, a center seam at the rear, and a velvety texture that’s way over-the-top, this brief is the perfect fusion of Yuletide spirit and seductive sleaze. Competitive bodybuilders, take note.
Why should you deck yourself out in a pair of candy-cane-striped boxer-briefs this holiday season? Welp… your significant other will be significantly impressed by your ever-rippling physique and your dedicated adherence to a theme. And there’s probably some association you can between licking a candy cane and… Oh, they’ll just look great on you. And no part of the boxer-brief is emblazoned with the slogan “Jingle Balls,” so that’s a plus.
He’ll know he has a real catch on his hands as you gamely decorate the tree in your C-IN2 Men’s Oxide Brief.
“More tinsel?” you’ll ask airily. “Less tinsel?”
“Less insecurity,” he’ll say sagely, salving your frayed nerves as he calmly rests the palms of his hand on the brief’s classic low-cut silhouette.
“You always bring me such peace,” you’ll say, smiling inwardly.
“You boys are awfully cute together,” rasps Grandma from her favorite comfy chair.
Won’t everyone at the office party be surprised when you bound into the highly-decorated conference room in the MuscleMate Premium Men’s Thong?
Steve from The Risk Management Department will whistle fondly. “That takes guts, man. Spandex?”
“17% Spandex, 83% Polyamide,” you’ll say, helping yourself to another cup of rummy eggnog. “The seamless construction will keep you cool and dry, making it ideal for working out, sports, or whatever you get up to in the bedroom.”
“Er, okay,” Steve will say, scanning the room. “Gotta run something by Sue in Quality Assurance. Happy holidays!”
That’s when Pam in Human Resources will probably tap you on the shoulder.
Fun fact: Long Johns have magical properties that make everyone immediately want to fornicate with you — so long as they aren’t concealed by jeans or pants. And if they happened to be checkered red and white as befits the season? Even better.
Case in point: Cadmus Men’s Thermal Long Johns Pants, featuring four-way stretch fabric, a smooth and sexy silhouette, and flexibility for miles. Now, come and sit by the hearth with us, right here on the bear skin rug. Cocoa? Sherry? A fifth of bourbon? Hi.
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