HITCHED

Straight Celebs Pick Their Same-Sex Wedding Crush

Aww, straight people, they’re so cute. Look at how they have boyfriends and girlfriends, just like homos, but with the wrong gender!

Through a strange confluence of knowing the right people and being available at the right time, we found ourselves standing on a Los Angeles red carpet a few nights ago, in the presence of a bunch of straight allies who are also television celebrities. The occasion was the book launch for The Gay Groom’s Guide: To Planning Your Perfect Wedding (Without Losing Your Mind). Written by Robert Blackmon, the book is a compilation of brilliant tips and guidelines for getting hitched.

That’s handy, because planning a wedding is the worst — it’s supposedly a happy event, but you can pretty much guarantee that everyone will be on edge, nobody will be wearing comfortable shoes, and because nearly everyone present is related, any hookups that happen are a recipe for a familial meltdown. Robert’s book streamlines the whole process, guiding you through nuptials that are as smooth as the white silk gloves that you would wear if you were a virgin.

For reasons that are unclear, the book launch attracted a small swarm of TV celebs, so we figured we’d ask them who they would gay-marry if they were gay and could pick anyone to be their spouse. Why not, right? Even though most of these folks are straight, they all had a same-sex wedding crush to share. Here’s what they had to say:

 

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If you ever wondered who Judy Tenuta would lez out for, ask no longer! “Would it be wrong?” she asked. “I think I want to marry Gisele Bundchen. She’s kinda fuckin’ hot.”

 

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Recording artist Jennifer Akerman said “Kate Winslet is like super-sexy. She’s really talented.”

 

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Kaleina Cordova, from Step Up: Revolution, said she’d marry Charlize Theron. “She’s extremely versatile and very fun. And I like when she chopped her hair off.”

 

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Alexa Ferr went immediately to Rihanna. What kind of date would they go on? “I dunno. Maybe a concert. In Paris or something.” Ooh la la.

 

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“Katherine Hepburn…she was a great role model for women in a time when a lot of people were repressed,” said Maitland Ward (you know, Rachel from Boy Meets World). She actually met Katherine Hepburn, albeit when she was a fetus: the elderly actress patted Maitland’s mother’s pregnant stomach and wished her the best.

 

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Here’s Ben Woolf, who hurried along before we could ask him any questions! You can catch him on American Horror Story.

 

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Adrienne Janic, from TLC’s Overhaulin’, said “I bet everybody says Angelina Jolie,” but she also likes Lady Gaga and Iggy Azalea, because she likes a good musician and also butts.

 

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At one point Judy Tenuta wound up in a sandwich with Patrika Darbo and a friend. The flowers are a delicious garnish.

 

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David Golshan, from Shahs of Sunset, wanted to marry “George Clooney… but I’m too late.”

 

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“Who would be like the ultimate wife?” wondered Deanna Lee Douglas before settling on Jennifer Lawrence. “I think we would have a kick-ass time.”

 

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Luke Barnett decided, “well, I’m straight, but I’ve probably got a big man crush on Michael Fassbender.”

 

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Here’s author Robert Blackmon (right) with his husband and Judy Tenuta.

 

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If Lindsay Kay Howard is not on your radar, then it’s time for you to go to ITT Technical School and get a degree in electrical engineering because your radar is broken and in need of repair. She is a wrestler (nearly 7 feet tall!), a powerful athlete, and she’s just getting into acting. She is amazing, and she would totally marry both Ellen and Portia.

 

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Here is Lexi Noel, a signing personality. She’d marry Katy Perry. “She looks like she’s so much fun.”