Senator Ted Cruz is currently in Orlando, Florida for the annual Conservative Political Action Conference where he gave his first big speech since that whole Cancun scandal broke last week.
But rather than deliver a typical political stump speech, Cruz decided to switch things up and try his hand at a little standup comedy.
Things went about as well as you might expect them to.
The 2024 GOP presidential hopeful cracked terrible jokes about cancel culture–“Jerry Seinfeld doesn’t tell comedy anymore because every joke has been canceled!”–while intermittently yelling at the crowd to “JUST HAVE FUN!!!” before heaping praise onto the man who once called his wife ugly and linked his father to JFK’s assassination.
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“Let me tell ya right now: Donald J. Trump ain’t goin’ anywhere,” Cruz boasted into the microphone.
(Quick fact check: Jerry Seinfeld has never been “canceled.” He’s still working and released a comedy special on Netflix just last year.)
The comedy routine, if you can even call it that, also included a joke about public health officials, saying they want people to wear masks “for the next 300 years,” and a homophobic remark about leftist men french kissing.
“We see leftists across the country shutting down churches. California, they’ve helpfully explained, you can go out and protest. You can scream and yell, ‘Abolish the police,’ and this virus magically, no one will get infected. You can French kiss the guy next to you yelling, ‘Abolish the police,’ and no one will get infected. But if you go to church and say, ‘Amazing grace,’ everyone’s going to die.”
But perhaps the worst part of the speech came when Cruz made light of fleeing to Cancun last week while millions of Texans remained without heat or power, hospitals ran out of water, and at least 80 people died, including an 11-year-old child.
“I’ve got to say, Orlando is awesome!” he guffawed. “It’s not as nice as Cancun, but it’s nice.”
Sen. Ted Cruz at CPAC: "Orlando is awesome. It's not as nice as Cancun."pic.twitter.com/TghkHUhOPy
— The Recount (@therecount) February 26, 2021
Here’s what folx on Twitter are saying about the whole thing…
Ted Cruz just was screaming like an unhinged lunatic at CPAC. So, normal.
— Scott Dworkin (@funder) February 26, 2021
Ted Cruz opens his CPAC set with a joke about going to Cancun, but leaves out the callback about the 11 year-old boy who froze to death in his trailer while Ted’s kids sunned themselves at the Ritz. Go big or go home, Ted. @SenTedCruz
— NoelCaslerComedy? (@caslernoel) February 26, 2021
https://twitter.com/TequilaDanKC/status/1365362141461635072
Ted “Carnival” Cruz line about men “tongue kissing” to the “forbidden dance” “sweaty” being disgusting sounds about like the lady doth protest, too much #tedCruz #TedCruzisADisgrace #phobe #CPAC2021 pic.twitter.com/sM7DaaNTvG
— Papa Spats ?????? (@tonyspats) February 26, 2021
OMG! Ted Cruz is trying to do Cancun jokes at CPAC!
Does Texas think this is funny? pic.twitter.com/e4bJbxUwi1— Mystery Solvent (@MysterySolvent) February 26, 2021
I guess Ted Cruz preoccupies himself enough thinking about men kissing to have something to complain about. It says more about his own insecurities than about anything else. But you know what they say, “some men do and some do pay-per-view”.
— Mara (@MGale90) February 26, 2021
Ted Cruz reminds us why it's so very important to work out your act in the small clubs before the big Netflix special at CPAC.
— Willie Geist (@WillieGeist) February 26, 2021
Ted Cruz is already joking at CPAC about how he deserted Texans in the freezing cold for sunny Cancun.
What an absolute shitbag.
— BrooklynDad_Defiant!?? (@mmpadellan) February 26, 2021
I feel like Ted Cruz is beginning to model himself after Donald Trump Jr. which is…a choice.
— Max Weiss (@maxthegirl) February 26, 2021
Ted Cruz is now screaming about dudes French kissing.
— Max Steele (@maxasteele) February 26, 2021
So Ted Cruz joked about Cancun, said he hated thinking about two men kissing and then thought about it a lot, and then quoted William Wallace and screamed FREEDOM at the top of his lungs in the same speech? Is he on coke?
— Kyle (@KyleRic09273577) February 26, 2021
Ted Cruz on men french kissing. It’s almost as if he knows what that’s like. https://t.co/kjo4rmotFm
— Outspoken™? (@Out5p0ken) February 26, 2021
Ted Cruz heard Mel Gibson was a racist, homophobic, anti-Semite and decided to make that his whole fucking personality forever https://t.co/uSmIMpVtET
— Katie Jesaitis (@katie_jesaitis) February 26, 2021
EDITOR’S NOTE: The original quote in this article was inaccurate and has been updated based on the official transcript of Cruz’s CPAC speech. We regret the error.
darklight413
Ted Cruz is a steaming pile of human garbage. He’s perfect for any position as a Republican in politics.
LAtvGuy
My gay tongue does not want to go anywhere near his mouth.
Doug
Ewww.
fur_hunter
Cruz is nothing more than an ignorant, intolerant bigoted @$$ Hole, Piece of $H!T. And those are my kind words for him. Nothing would please me more than to see him fade into obscurity after losing the next election. I know it won’t happen but I can still hope.
Tombear
Cruz needs to be canceled!
jerkinns
Jesús Christ. How can ANYONE tolerate this.. creature?!
GayEGO
Cruzy Woozey should move to Cancun, we don’t need him here!
cuteguy
Texas, as a state, re elected this pile of garbage in 2018. They deserve him and all he does (and doesn’t do) for them. Hopefully they will wake up by 2024 but I doubt it. He will start talking about hating gays, hating women, hating anyone who isn’t a WASP man and throwing in the words “pro life” and “bible” and “gun rights” and they will eat it right up. Unless they wake up like Georgia did
Phillip
There is something definitely wrong with a closet case who is so fixated on gays and what HE thinks they do he has to share his own fantasies in front of an audience, then say he really hates his fantasies.
Perhaps a decent analyst could set him “straight” and release him from these gay fantasies or refer him to one of those “conversion” therapy quacks. Both the quack and Raphael could “pray the gay away” from Raphael’s sick mind so he doesn’t share his cesspool thoughts with us anymore or at least tell him to keep them to himself. 😉
Lightbulb
Can we please call him by his name…Raphael…he hates that.!
BigJohnSF
actually it’s “Rafael”
sillyme
One thing to remember that out of all of this crap storm of Cruzies so to say is that he is a crusty piece of scab that should have been flushed down the sewer while he was in Mexico but wasn’t so we have to deal with his insecurities more and I’m wondering how many men did he see doing the Lambada in person and why didn’t he try it or is he HIDING more from his wishy wifi???
ShiningSex
I thought Cruz was gay. Again how does he support someone who insults his dad and his “beard”?
BigJohnSF
Does anybody know the source of the GIF posted by Papa Spats on Twitter? (I guess I could just ask him.) I need to see that.
twomen4u
He needs to go back to TX as he is THEIR problem.
Mike Hunt
I wonder if Rafael Ted will enjoy tonguing his master’s crusty hole this weekend … although Miss Lindsey might not appreciate him horning in like that. Seriously, the guy is a complete POS.
Cam
Typical Republican. Doesn’t want to do any work, then plays the victim when he is called out for fleeing from his responsibility.
barryaksarben
I pray that everyone in TEXAS gets to hear his Cancun joke as I know they will appreciate all he did for them during the snowstorm. What was it again? One case of water in one car? Better french kissing thousands of guys than killing one (esp a capitol police officer). I cant wait for their primary when trump and all these losers start attacking each other, it will be hilarious. All Trump will have to do is pat his own large butt and tell them all they can kiss it again.Trump will lose even worse next time
amanwithanedge
The 2024 GOP presidential hopeful is a real shit hole.
dhmonarch89
screaming like and idiot works with the CPAC crowd- they adore Trump afterall.
The real Bruce
Ever notice how Rafael and trump always have the same style of oversize jackets and ties that hang down past their waist? Both are fat slobs who have no business being anywhere near government offices.
LMG
Ted Cruz looks like he swallowed Ted Cruz. When he $hits we now have a $hit $hitting $hit. I wonder if TC will French Kiss Josh Hawley when they both simultaneously stick their tongues up Lard Ass’s a$$.
fas2020
He has picked up soooooo much weight so you know his home life isn’t that good.He let himself go after the 2016 run for president for sure.He really should focus more on a personal trainer and gym membership then being foolish at a conference or going to Cancun.
missvamp
He needs to take mtg & matt gaetz on a bus tour straight to hell.
HenryHawke
Ted Cruz has inserted his foot so far into his mouth he’s close to kissing his own bung hole. I say close because kissing your own ass is difficult when you spend your time kissing Trump’s un-wiped ass.
BOB K
HE IS AN EVEN WORSE ENTERTAINER THAN HE IS SENATOR
Prax07
Good Gawd…his douchieness just gets worse each day. Time he, Hawley, Greene, Graham, etc are all cancelled. Boot them all (Trump’s included) to Texas, build a wall around it, and remove it from the union.
trojanboy
Jee, shit can walk and talk. And scream. Well, i never.
Ginger Tom
On God’s Earth there is only one thing worse than being Trump’s bitch and that is wanting to be Trump’s bitch. And that is where we find Ted Cruz.