“Hey sir,” he texted me just before 1:00 am on a Friday morning.
“Hey. Was asleep. Tonight?” I replied when I woke up seven hours later.
In that window of time, 10 blocks from my apartment, 2 blocks from his, on the road we traveled to see one another, he was mowed down by a sanitation truck days before Christmas, the new year, and the new decade.
You don’t expect much communication from a casual sex partner. You message each other when the mood strikes. When you have a desire for one another. Days or even weeks can go by—especially in a place like New York City where you have many options—before you hear from one another. My fuck buddy was different. He’d apologize for not responding within a couple of hours and initiate plans for when we could schedule our next meeting. But still, I didn’t sweat a response.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
“What’s up, sexy,” I messaged him nine days later noticing my text bubble was now green instead of blue. Odd. But maybe he’s spending the holidays with his family, I thought, not knowing they just experienced their first Christmas with an empty seat at the table.
“You alive?” I asked three days later.
He’s probably welcoming the new year at some crazy party with his friends, I thought, not knowing they were saying their goodbyes.
It’s not uncommon for your fuck buddy to lose interest and completely ignore your texts even after what you thought were great times together. As a gay, almost-New-Yorker who’s quite jaded but still hopeful at this point, I figured that was the case.
Days later, I tapped on a Grindr profile that interested me. His profile rattled off the usual list of demands and requests should you decide to communicate with him, but in closing was a message of caution, to be careful crossing the street and rest in peace to a man, a man with the same name as my fuck buddy.
My heart began to race. Then it sank into the bottom of my chest. My fingers now sweating, I typed a message to the profile and shared a photo of my buddy.
“That’s him,” he replied with a photo from my buddy’s Facebook page.
I finally knew his last name.
I didn’t know much about him at all. Where was he from? What were his hobbies? What were his dreams? What was his favorite pizza place in the neighborhood? How did he spend his last day on Earth?
Already late for work, I opened my laptop and frantically searched his social media pages to get a window into his life. On Facebook, I found tributes from his friends. Old photos. Shared memories. Expressions of despair and frustration and anger. He was loved by so many people. I hope he knew.
On my way to work, I tried to make sense of the sadness and pain I felt. How can I feel such heartbreak for someone I didn’t know well at all? We never shared a meal. We didn’t goof off in high school biology class. We never shared a cubicle or made small talk at some forced work happy hour. Who was I to him? Anything?
Flashbacks ran through my mind like a sizzle reel of the best moments we spent together. We were naked. More than that, we were vulnerable. We shared human, intimate, passionate, connected moments together. We shared energy. We shared breaths. We shared affirming touches. And in those moments, we brought each other joy. We made each other feel good, and seen, and wanted, and desired, and sexy. And that means something.
My flashback concluded with the last thing we said to each other.
While getting dressed to leave after our last rendezvous, we shared how much fun we had together and talked about doing it again.
“Remember how we almost never met,” he said recalling how our communication lines crossed and we both thought the other wasn’t interested.
“I’m glad we did,” I said.
“I’m glad we did, too.”
Lamar Dawson is a pop culture junkie living in New York City. Follow him on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter @dirrtykingofpop.
LARRY
Please accept our deepest condolences love, both Patrick and I are deeply sorry for your loss. Society has become so transient and many of our “friends” are folks with benefits, does not make them any less significant in our lives, in your life. Be Well and grieve a missing connection.
Apolodorus
This was touching .
Olympio1
Gay hookups are also real, human interactions no matter how brief.
Bob LaBlah
I read about this in the NYDailynews.com during the holidays but newspapers generally do not go into the sexual orientation of people unless warranted. If memory serves me correct it was in Brooklyn or Manhattan. This is a sad topic and I see no point of bringing up such topics when the deceased is not featured in a pic and no captions are under the pic that was posted with the article. Ok, the guy in the pic is hot but who is he? Those two factors alone make me question the validity of the article. If its a tribute to some one you loved or cared about deeply and posted in their memory at least include a pic of the victim or the person who is grieving and let us know which is which.
ThomasAnthony
This is a thoughtful story about mourning in an unusual situation. Dawson does not have to provide a photo of himself or his deceased friend to make it “valid”, and as a matter of fact I would think it a bit tacky if he did in this case.
jrr
Bob, I think you are wrong on this comment, no pictures are needed. The picture is seen in the pain.
Me2
This was a good read that I can relate to. There are really no playbooks on how to mourn these types of losses. The loss is sad, but the human connection is comforting. It’s reassuring to know that we are not just horny savages void of emotions.
nedxxx
Beautiful and sadly heartfelt. Thank you for sharing.
Mundo
I agree.
OLSinFLA
Something similar happened to me (actually around the same time, too). Mine was killed walking home from the bar, because he was too drunk to drive. While crossing the interstate, he was hit and killed… ironically from a speeding police car. I had just seen him the day before and the next day at work I opened the paper and saw the article about what happened. I literally fell off my chair and went into shock.. so bad my boss sent me home without ever asking why.
hotdogla
What a touching story, thank you for sharing. My condolences,
ThomasAnthony
Thanks for writing this. The same thing happened to me several years ago, I was actually at the gym and saw him on TV in a picture of several people who died in a small plane crash. I know as gay guys we tend to think of ourselves and each other as horny sluts sometimes, but even casual Grindr sex can be meaningful, intimate, and emotional. I went back and forth on whether I should attend his memorial service because I felt somewhat “unworthy” being there alongside his close friends and loved ones. But then I thought, if he was alive and there in person I know he’d be happy to see me there. So sorry for your loss man.
SparkyMICH
Of course you’d feel heartache for the man’ you were intimate with the man; far more than you were with some guy you were lab partners with in high school. You can know someone for years and not shed a tear for their passing and end up sobbing for someone whose name you didn’t know, but connected with on an intimate level.
jrr
Thank you for posting, I know your pain.
bowlingbutch
What a beautifully written story. Losing someone who has touched your life makes you think about so many things and if you have had intimate encounters with someone that does leave a mark on your soul.
TheMason
Thank you for sharing this experience as it mirrors a few of my own. I’ve always mentioned that the notion of “NSA” (no strings attached) is impossible. When two humans connect sexually, there will always be a string. That string evolves into ropes, cables and chains with frequency, but each encounter will produce a string. Our brains will attempt to distance the connection using words such as “casual” or “f*@k buddy”, but yet if you have any decency as a human being, the length or strength of the string is irrelevant in moments like these. *HUGS* to those of us that have endured this experience.
Doug
This is very beautifully written. It’s also a reminder that beneath the person you may see as mostly “meat,” there’s an actual human being there.
Kangol2
Dear Lamar, thanks for sharing this moving piece with Queerty. It also underscores how ephemeral life can be, and how important it is to hold onto the people, moments, and feelings that deeply touch us, and to live each day as fully as possible.
MatthewHall
This is one of many reasons why some gay men actually have relationships with other gay men.
major8man
I had a very similar experience, texted him a few times and a few days later I received a text from his number with an introduction it was his sister and she informed me he had died from an overdose – I never knew he used , so fucking sad as he was a good guy. Fuck Meth & PNP.
gymnofrater
Thank you so much for sharing this reflection on your brief but meaningful relationship. My heart goes out to you and his family.