Even though an estimated one in five Americans has a disability, It’s rare to see a disabled person in a gay bathhouse or sex event.
Slate recently considered why this is and what, if anything, could make gay sex spaces more welcoming to this marginalized group.
It turns out that at least one sex party organizer and a gay disabled activist have been thinking about this very question.
Terran Lane, a person who organizes “private queer sex parties in a major U.S. city,” says that most gay sex spaces aren’t handicap-accessible because they were built at a time when disability access wasn’t a major consideration.
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He also says that city policies often restrict the construction of new sex spaces or the retrofitting of pre-existing ones with things like ramps, elevators, widened doors and disabled-accessible bathrooms.
In the private Facebook group for his sex events, Lane tries to be transparent about the fact that his parties aren’t disabled-accessible. He also engages in conversations with people about how to improve their accessibility.
Related: I’m gay and disabled and no one in Seattle will have sex with me
He welcomes any disabled person who’d like to attend, and he offers refunds to anyone who has a bad time at his events. But he realizes that refunds can’t compensate people for their lost time, money or safety risks while traveling.
Andrew Gurza, a queer disability-awareness consultant — who creates the Disability After Dark podcast, starred in a short documentary called “Picture This” and is currently crowdfunding a disabled-friendly sex toy — says, “In gay spaces, I’m not talked to. I’m not noticed. I’m not flirted with. I’m not given any kind of room to be myself. Those spaces don’t feel very friendly because they’re not emotionally accessible.”
He’d like gay sex spaces to fundraise for disabled-accessible upgrades, like ceiling and track lifts to help disabled people get in and out of their mobility devices.
But he’d also love to see sex spaces make marketing images featuring “people in disability devices, speaking openly about invisible disabilities, or announcing their presence in the club on certain nights.” He says sharing these images online will help others begin to see disabled people as sexy and sexual beings, something you almost never see in pop culture.
While some able-bodied people in gay sex spaces might be scared of engaging a disabled person for fear of not enjoying it, accidentally injuring or offending them. But Lane sees greater inclusion in sex spaces as good ways for people to break down barriers and explore their sexuality in healthy profound ways.
Rock-N-RollHS
Life is cruel and unfair. It sucks. That’s the way it is.
But tired of people going all victim and citing prejudice as the reason NO ONE wants to f*#k you. If no one wants you, it’s probably your personality. Otherwise, forget the asshole who rejects you for something not in your control. Their loss.
Sam
Imagine if the next mayer tells you that he’s going to make orgies accessible for anyone. lol
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cheloalexanderloui
I’m a handicap gay man, had a stroke in a car accident when I was 18. Because of it the left side of my body is weaker then the right and end up with a limp. In the 20 and 30 I had no problem walking without a cane. I used to work out and had a nice body. Then hiv came around and ruin my nerves in the spinal cord, I didn’t star meds right away, the doc say there was no need. In the mind time they, hiv, were having fun in my back nerves and pain began. Now in my 40 I have being in bed the last 10 years the pain has become unbearable. So I haven’t had sex in the last 10 years not a relationship, gay man don’t want a cripple man that needs a cane to keep steady. I have just decided to stay alone it is better then the rejection. Every time it destroys a bit of you and before there was nothing left of me I stopped. It’s better! You get used to been alone.
thisisnotreal
Chelo this kills me to read but I can really relate to it as well. I was born with spina bifida and I’m in a wheelchair and crutches because of it and at 33 I’m still a virgin and never even kissed someone before. I also have chosen to just be single and live my life by myself rather than having to deal with even more rejection centered around something I cannot change cuz when your faced with it constantly, it just chips away at another layer of your sense of self which is a lot of times as a disabled person already pretty thin as it is.
Thad
Philadelphia’s gay sex spaces are not at all handicap-accessible. As an able-bodied guy who is apparently undateable, I’d like to expand my dating pool. And not out of pity or “mercy;” but because we might just have some fun. Oh, my inner romantic would like to fall in love, too.