THIS BITES

True Blood Recap Roulette: I’m a Gay American Vampire

Anyone can just spell out what happened on last night’s episode of True Blood. In fact, you can’t swing a dead changeling without hitting someone’s recaps.

So every week this season, Queerty contributor Jason Sweeten is going to give us a different spin on the previous night’s episode: it might be a screenshot slideshow, a sock-puppet re-enactment, or even some Kabuki theater. (If we can just get the budget approved). He might not always succeed, but at least it won’t be boring.

This week: screencaps!

 

We’re just cleaning up some vampires we exploded in our fancy office. Deal.

Alas, they’re trapped by the Vampire Authority’s silver netting (available at Tiffany’s… never).

Tara is missing half her head. Pam isn’t being very helpful, “Turn her? I don’t even like her.”

Then Tara is all, “Nom nom nom.” Thanks, Pam!

Jason answers the door in the worst/best possible way.

When dressed like this, don’t let a Reverend inside.

Steve confesses his gay love for not-gay Jason. It goes totally well.

JK! Jason says no, sending Steve into a crazy, sweater-fueled, lover’s rage. Jessica shoos him away.

 

Pam is more upset about wearing something from Wal-Mart than helping Tara.

Eric and Bill are trapped; they use an umbrella and some wood to make the car go boom.

Eric is vampire siblings with one of the transporters. This is how they say “hello.”

Bill stole the expression right off my face.

Lafayette says goodbye to his boyfriend Jesus, making us feel all of the sad feelings.

Sookie and I both take contemplative showers after rough days. Sure, I’ve never held a dying BFF, but sometimes my work is kinda stressful?

This dramatic lady razor won a Tony Award for Best Performance by a Featured Lady Razor.

“We fight like siblings, but we fuck like champions.” Actual sentence said after Eric had sex with his sister.

Is Rock Band still a thing? Jessica and her non-vampire friends seem to think so.

Oh shoot, the Vampire Authority found us! Let’s hiss in their general direction.

Tara might be dead, but at least Pam slept in yellow sweats and managed to survive.

Introducing the world’s most joyful vampire: Tara!

 

Next Week: We learn that the part of your brain that says “don’t crouch on sinks” was lost in Tara’s accident.

 

Jason Sweeten used to blog about drag queens.