A man who identifies as a “gay bondage bottom” says he’s super into being tied up during sex, but his boyfriend of four years is “100 percent vanilla” and it’s causing issues in their relationship, so he’s asking gay advice veteran Dan Savage for help.
“We solved the ‘problem’ of my need to get tied up–and it’s a real need–by outsourcing it,” the man explains. “I was seeing two regular FWBs/bondage buddies but that’s obviously on hold right now.”
In a brief side note, the man mentions he’s “reached out” to both of his bondage buddies to keep the relationship alive and let them know he’s thinking of them.
Then he explains that, with only his boyfriend around to have sex with, his kink fetish is not being fulfilled. And it’s driving him crazy.
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“The issue is I still really need to get tied up and my boyfriend is willing, but he’s so bad at it,” the man confesses. “He’s hurt that I’d rather go without than let him put me in bondage that isn’t really bondage because I can easily get out.”
He continues, “We used to fight because I wanted him to tie me up and he didn’t want to do it, and now we’re fighting because he wants to tie me up and I won’t let him do it.”
In his response, Savage suggests the guy enlist one of his bondage buddies to give his boyfriend a few pointers.
“If people can teach yoga, give concerts and conduct first dates via streaming services, then one of your bondage buddies can – if they’re into the idea – give your boyfriend a few bondage tutorials online,” he writes.
He continues, “I’m glad to hear you already reached out to your bondage buddies … since now you’ll be asking them to do you and your boyfriend a favor. But I imagine it’s a favor they’ll enjoy doing.”
What do you think this guy should do? Sound off in the comments section below…
ingyaom
This guy absolutely has to be tied up for sex, but he’s been with someone for 4 years who doesn’t know how to do it? How did this relationship even get started? I thought that was going to be Dan’s advice: declare your kinks early and make sure you’re compatible before getting serious.
Aires the Ram
It sounds like a pretty classic case of “I’ll settle for him now, and try to change him later”.
Always a train wreck.
Troysky
@ Aires the Ram….. 23 words of wisdom for any earthly relationship in the history of mankind.
caris
It sounds that they did declare their kinks early, and his partner was ok with getting his kink itch scratched elsewhere. It is only because of the social isolation that they have run into a problem, and the partner is being Good, Giving and Game by trying to meet the letter writer’s needs. That is exactly on point for Dan Savage’s ideas.
You often have partners who do not match up on everything, and sometimes you have to make compromises. They had been doing everything that Dan would have advise them to have done, since the bondage was apparently not a dealbreaker for either of them.
Honestly, Dan’s advice was on point for Dan. The letter writer’s partner is stepping up and trying to meet his partner’s, now he needs help in doing so. So Dan’s suggestion is to get him that help. I assume that Dan is giving the writer credit to know to use some tact in how he addresses the sharing of that idea with his partner.
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Troysky
@caris ….nice, thoughtful comment…. you are strangely turning me on
dougie
I agree with Savage – declare your kinks early. I’m in a very long-term relationship with a person who has multiple kinks that I don’t share and enjoy. Had I known about his kinks early on in our relationship, it’s unlikely that we would have stayed together. Our differences about kinky sex have led to many serious conflicts over the years and, in retrospect, both of us probably would have been happier had we settled down with somebody else who shared our respective sexual proclivities and preferences.
Heywood Jablowme
If this quarantine stuff goes on long enough, maybe he can eventually get his bf to HATE him enough to tie him up.
Aires the Ram
….but don’t forget the duct tape!
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
That’s a proclivity that really can’t be forced upon somebody. You either like to get your freak on, or you don’t.
I consider myself trysexual….(I’ll try anything once, twice, maybe a lot more if I like it) I have been with guys who have certain limits and if we don’t connect on a sexual level simply say thank you and goodnight.
To try and enter a relationship when your sexual interests are so far apart is simply asking for an unhappy ending…
missvamp
i moderate some of the largest groups on fetlife. this comes up all the time. you rarely can convert a vanilla partner with much success. it almost always is a train wreck. why people date or stay with vanilla people when they are kinky is beyond me.
salumbre
Forget about the question –who is the model? I’d let him tie ME up any day!
nm4047
he’s simply the bait to get guys to read a story that really doesn’t apply to 98% of the readers.
BigJohnSF
Bondage Zoom.
Michel-Ashley
Sounds like a tiring situation!
jackmister
Order some leather wrist and ankle cuffs online. Get ones that lock with small padlocks so they are inescapable. Attach them with chains/padlocks to your headboard/footboard or directly to your boxspring. Later, you can add thigh and bicep cuffs, maybe a collar and hood…
joeboyle49
YES WHEN I LOOK FOR SOMEBODY I ALWAYS SAY WHAT IM INTO EARLY SO THE GUY IM GOING TO GET WITH KNOWS AND IF HES NOT INTO IT I PASS ON HIM AND GET THE GUY THATS INTO THE SAME THINGS AS I AM!!
darkanser
It’s just so frustrating NOT getting tied up as you’d want to. It seems the writer would likely be a subscriber of Kink.Com. Was he not able to find a video demonstrating how he likes it done? There was an acquaintance I used to run into at a local bathhouse. He showed me he had a DOM side that REALLY turned me on!!!