One Redditor says he’s “in a pickle” now that the wife of his longtime friend-with-benefits has asked him to quit getting down and dirty with her husband.
The Redditor explains that he’s been hooking up with his best friend for around 12 years, and it all started when his friend complained that his wife wouldn’t entertain the idea of giving up oral sex. “As any good, gay friend would do, I offered to step in,” the Redditor writes. “Selfishly, of course. My friend is attractive, fit, and we’ve been workout buddies for as long as we’ve been friends. Our bodies were not mysteries to one another, but we’ve never connected sexually… until I made him a proposition.”
Related: Best way to tell your wife you’ve hooked up with other guys? Married men swap war stories
These days, the duo meets for sex about three times a month, but the friend has always insisted that he’s “very discreet” and she “would never find out.” Not discreet enough, however, as this Reddit user found out about one week ago.
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“I received a letter from his wife asking me to stop having sex with her husband. It was short and to the point,” the Redditor writes. “She says she’s suspected for years but had convinced herself her husband is totally straight. … Apparently, she got into his phone, and my friend had not deleted several sexually oriented text messages my friend and I had exchanged about meeting up. She says she won’t confront her husband and doesn’t want a divorce, she just wants the sex to stop.”
So far, many of the comments of the thread have ranged from tough love to tougher lover. “Can’t blame her for writing,” one user writes. “I think you should tell your friend about the letter and discuss what to do. If he wants to stay married and respects his wife, sacrifices must be made. But if not….”
Related: Wife concerned her husband masturbates with his best friend, doesn’t know what to do about it
Another user was a bit more brusque: “You willingly engaged him, knowing he had a commitment. It’s all on you. Own what you’ve done. I’m reading a ton of excuses in your post. He’s married. Don’t be a sh*t. Get out or try to take him away. Understand that if you choose the latter, it’ll probably get ugly. Grow up. Take the consequences if it’s worth it, but also understand what type of man you’re dealing with. Gay/straight/bi whatever is irrelevant. She’s hurt, and she has no blame here.”
A third commenter, however, took issue with that user’s last sentence “because she’s treated her husband quite badly. … While [the original poster] shouldn’t have started a sexual relationship with his friend, and his friend shouldn’t have been complicit in it, and I don’t condone that at all, the friend must have felt quite sexually repressed. There’s blame on both sides.”
Have you ever been in a similar situation? What would you recommend to this guy? Give your best advice in the comments below.
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Heywood Jablowme
“…and it all started when his friend complained that his wife wouldn’t entertain the idea of giving up oral sex.”
Your wording is convoluted but you probably mean it the other way around? She wouldn’t entertain the idea of DOING it, not giving it up?
Creamsicle
Random reddit threads again? For shame.
dmar
my advice, be honest about yourself and the situation. You’re a home wrecking side piece, he’s a lying cheating husband, and the wife is delusional. You propositioned a married man, so you are in the wrong no matter the circumstances. The closet case is playing you and the wife, because discreet means he’s not leaving her, especially if you tell the husband cause then he’ll know that he could cheat again without her leaving him, and the fact that he’s willing to cheat means monogamy & commitment doesn’t apply to his side of the relationship. The wife just wants to pretend nothing is wrong with her marriage and that you are the only thing in the way of perfection. Look pass the abs to see the trash underneath, you deserve better than discreet.
Mack
Many years ago (1970’s) I had a lover for about 8 years. He was married and his wife and kids lived in upstate NY. I lived in LA. When I first met him I didn’t know he was married because he had just broken up with his boyfriend.
We became a couple and every six months he would move back to NY. We had a confrontation over it and he told me that he was married, didn’t care for his wife at all but missed his kids. So every 6 months he would spend it with me and 6 months with his kids.
Then one day, 7 years into the relationship, his wife needed open-heart surgery and the best doctor at that time was at UCLA Medical Center. So he brought the kids and wife to LA, they stayed with me while his wife had the surgery. Then his wife moved in and recuperated. When it was over-he divorced his wife, left me and married another woman. Then he became a born-again Christian.
Last time I talked with him was mid-90’s and he had married again and was “happily straight”.
Vince
Ha. What a story. Damn. 😉
Donston
The answer is simply to leave the dude alone. There doesn’t appear to be any genuine romantic, emotional, relationship connections and fulfillment from either side. So, it shouldn’t be that difficult for both parties to move on. However, the wife should have taken this up with her husband, not the sidepiece. And if the husband is really sexually into dudes and has same-sex sexual preferences he’ll likely find some other guy if the friend stops putting out, especially since the wife won’t call him out.
A lot of this Reddit nonsense just comes off as… nonsense. People either trolling, making shit up for attention or using their own shitty ways for attention.
russellhm
If I am reading this quandary accurately, the reason for the husband and writer to start their sexual meets was because the wife refused to give her husband head. She only asked that the friend stop having sex with her husband, not that she will begin fellatio to neutralize his desires. I find it most concerning is her not bringing it up with her husband first. Were I the “sidepiece,” I would reply that I will stop having sex with your husband when you begin giving him head.
zisforzoo
If she doesn’t want to give him head that’s ok, she’s not into that, being in a relationship doesn’t mean that people can’t have boundaries, or things that they’re just not willing to do. Same with her husband, he probably has his own turn offs; that he’s not willing to do…to justify that as a way to cheat on your “wife” not even his girlfriend!!! Is disgusting.
Donston
russellhm, you sound like an insensitive hussy. What if the dude was into getting fisted but the wife refused? That means he has every right to go find someone else to do it? Either way, it’s not anyone’s place to determine someone else’s sexual boundaries. And you don’t have a ten year plus “affair” with someone just because you want some head. That seems more like an excuse to out mess around with someone else.
zisforzoo
Bruh what…? When you are at a wedding, and you look that person in their eyes, and tell them through thick and thin, through sickness and in health, you have decided that you are to devote yourself to that person if you and your partner had not stated otherwise prior…what is wrong people now a days? Sex is more important than loyalty…miss me with that bullshit!!!
Donston
I think you might have misinterpreted what I said. I was not at all condoning anyone’s actions. Hence, the question marks and calling rusellhm out.
On the other hand, people get divorced every day. And people cheat everyday. So, it’s not as if it’s some shocking thing. I do agree that marriage is not about sex. But you also need to always keep communication with your partner. For some people sexual fulfillment and/or attraction controls them more than anything else. You need to look past the fairytale of marriage, look past identity and really understand your partner and your partner’s sex drive. Understand what they see in you and why they plan to share their life with you. Understand their nuances and where they are on the sexual, affection, emotional, romantic love, relationship contentment spectrum. Also, understand what they expect from the marriage sexually.
I’m not at all blaming the wife. I’m saying people need to be very diligent when it comes to who they marry. Nowadays, ignorance is not an excuse. But of course, there are many manipulative folks out here and many people who don’t take anyone’s feelings into consideration.
zisforzoo
If feel sorry for the wife, you think that this person is the one for you, but he’s sleeping with his best friend…it’s sad…and the poster of this thread is a piece of shit, just like his married friend…if you’re cheating you’re a piece of shit, sorry not sorry ????? We have got to stop normalizing this lust towards married men…helping them realize their sexuality doesn’t always need to equate to having sex with them…I just don’t get it.
Donston
It’s not “married man” lust, because the same appeal would not be there if the guy were married to another guy. It’s closer to straight/hetero-leaning/non-homo-leaning obsessions and worship. It simply thrills and turns on certain guys to hook up with dudes who are either closet cases or who have overall non homo preferences. It’s hardly ever about trying to help someone understand themselves. And it’s definitely not about trying to build a healthy relationship. For a lot of guys hooking up with/dating men who are out and who are unabashed about being on the homo side of the overall spectrum just isn’t as much fun, as much of a turn on, and as much of an ego booster.
PinkoOfTheGange
To equate sex and love is naive and childish.
Now in this case the husband should of manned up and told his wife what is important to him in that department and if she wasn’t willing to fulfill that need then he would find it elsewhere and they could talk about some boundaries like adults.
But the wife needs to talk to her husband is the first thing and leave the other guy alone. Side-Guy isn’t a threat to her marriage unless hubby is a Kinsey 4 or better.
Donston
In instances like these we really over-hype stuff like the Kinsey scale, which is a generally outdated way of determining orientation, even the sexual part of orientation. There are many dudes and women who are a technical 5-6 on the Kinsey scale and still wouldn’t leave their partner for someone of the same gender. There are guys who say they have no attractions towards women whatsoever and don’t get any enjoyment sexually engaging with females but still aren’t willing to indulge legit same-sex relationships or embrace gay identities. Just like there are folks who fall somewhere in the 2-4 region but aren’t all that interested in any serious relationship beyond their gender. Never mind potential fluidity. Attractions, sexual enjoyment, wanting to sexually engage with someone does not equate to affections, romantic preferences or relationship ambition. People’s identities, sexual behaviors and relationships are often motivated a lot of factors. And ultimately, no one knows what’s up with her husband, where he is on the general spectrum and what his motivating factors are but himself.
DavidIntl
@Donston I agree that – at least for me – the ‘married’ part wouldn’t be a turn-on per se. There are those of us who really just are attracted to guys who are fairly typical males – definitely not feminine but not a caricature of masculinity either. So those guys tend to straddle the line between gay and straight, and generally society has pushed them over to the straight side as they were growing up. So we end up pursuing guys who at least superficially appear to be straight. It isn’t an obsession with the trophy of conquering a straight guy, but simply that they are the kind of guys who we find appealing.
Donston
There are many men who are obsessed with dudes who don’t have overt same-sex preferences and relationship ambitions. It doesn’t matter if a homosexual/homo-leaning/gay guy is masculine, straight-passing, an “average” guy. They will bypass those dudes for closet cases, guys who claim to be straight, guys who are married to women or are in relationships with a females, guys who love to remind people how into chicks they are. This is 2019. Unless you’re living in a small town in the south it’s not that difficult to find non fem guys who are out or at least who don’t have female partners. Guys sometimes use the “I like straight-passing men” trope to cover up their internalized homophobia or their straight/hetero-leaning/non-homo-leaning worship or to cover up having certain fetishes and fantasies that overtly homo-leaning men can’t fulfill. It’s also often about the ego boost damaged “queer” men get from a “straight guy” wanting them in any capacity or being able to seduce straight-identifying guys or getting a guy to come out the closet to be with them. Being with a guy who’s already out and knows that they want to be a guy doesn’t give them that same rush or ego boost. Just like some homosexual or sexually homo-leaning men sometimes want attention from women or hook up with women or seduce women just for the ego boost. And some heterosexual/hetero-leaning guys will hook up with dudes just for the attention/ego boost. Sometimes it’s about being turned on by hetero sexual behaviors but just not being all that into women. Just like many guys who only/primarily date women but hook up dudes are turned on by homo behaviors but just aren’t that into guys.
As I just mentioned, there’s a lot of motivating factors out here concerning why people sexually engage with the people they do, date the people they do and identify as whatever.
jthomasmpls
Two quotes come to mind
“Oral sex is standard, Any model that comes without it should be returned to the lot.” Dan Savage
“ The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage” Esther Perel
I wish them all good luck and their privacy. I think it should be a private matter.
Paco
It sounds like the married friend was fishing for the gay friend to offer to do what the wife refused to do. The wife should have confronted the husband. He was the one that broke the marriage vows.
MISTERJETT
it would probably be easier and better for her to just leave the cheater.
pavel20
Actually, I get annoyed when a wife finds out her husband is cheating and goes to the one who he is cheating with and demands he/she stop seeing her husband. My perspective is go talk to your man. That’s where your real problem is. So this one stops seeing her husband; does she really think that’s going to stop her husband from cheating with someone else? And for that matter, maybe she should have a good talk with herself about why she would want to stay married to him in the first place.
Heywood Jablowme
Yes!
Judge Judy marvels about the same thing. There are always female contestants, I mean LITIGANTS on her show who get into an epic catfight over a guy (who is usually a shiftless loser anyway) and the guy is smirking about it and enjoying the attention.
Bisexuality aside, this scenario happens with gay male relationships too: the “wronged” guy confronts the new guy, who sometimes isn’t even aware of the original relationship.
Bryguyf69
Pavel20
She was correct to confront the writer. What you’re forgetting is that the writer wasn’t just a stranger but a good friend of the cheater and regular workout buddy. In other words, they’ll likely continue seeing each other even if the sex stops. She has every right to let the writer know how destructive and hurtful he is. Furthermore there’s no indication that the husband has cheated beyond the friend, so if the friend refuses to continue the affair, it may well stop. We all have sexual urges and fantasies that we don’t carry out, either because it violates the law — or our commitment to a significant other. The friend is an easy and willing temptation. If he stops, I see no evidence that the husband would go elsewhere. Sorry but fellatio simply isn’t a dealbreaker most relationships, especially one that has gone beyond dating into marriage.
Celtic
Confront the other man? Really? Give your horny hubby “notice”. The boyfriend is not the problem, and obviously YOU have a problem — sister.
Donston
It’s actually kinda pointless to confront the sidepiece in this situation. If it really is just about getting head then even if this guy stops the husband will likely find someone else to do it, since apparently the wife won’t. If it’s about wanting to hook up guys then he’ll likely find someone else. If it’s about wanting/preferring a guy’s persistent affections, adoration and connection then, once again, he’ll find someone else, and you have a much bigger problem on your hands. The letter doesn’t solve the bigger issues. But a lot of folks would rather stay in the dark and not confront issues head on.
Doug
IF this story is true – and I really think people make things up to post on Reddit – they might have consulted a marriage counselor or sex therapist rather than turning to a third party. I don’t buy the husband’s excuse to blame his wife for his having sex with another guy. He sounds like he’s on is way out of the closet but can’t take responsibility for it.
Dick Mayhem
First off, this is all about the husband. He’s the one who has broken his marriage vows and it is up to him to either uphold those vows or get a divorce.
I appreciate the wife’s position a lot. She’s wanting to save her relationship, but writing a letter to the gay guy is ridiculous and off-base. She should be communicating loud and clear to her spouse. Her husband would probably just move on to someone else anyway if the gay guy broke it off. Her letter is not going to change her husband’s behaviour. .
And I’m not going to tell the gay guy to leave, either.
It sounds like all three are adults here and there’s not an easy answer.
ImSoRich
My brothers are straight, and I remember my older brother telling me that his (then future) wife was very willing and open to adventurous sex before they got married…….then once the contract was signed, she was not interested so much in pleasing his sexual desires. It’s almost kind of like a “bait and switch” thing……….what a shame…
jkthsnk
Next on Reddit “Batboy Lives!”.
Cam
1. If this guy were completely straight and this was REALLY only about him not getting oral sex he would have cheated on the wife with another woman.
2. Since it isn’t about Oral sex only, this guy was fishing with his friend and if the friend ends it, the guy will hop on Grindr and find another.
3. The friend should get out of this and find their own relationship, stop wasting time, the guy isn’t going to leave his wife.
Sirriamnis
The person with the largest share of culpability is the guy who is in the marriage. He needs to figure his shit out, and decide what he’s doing. It also sounds like his wife is kind of a doormat who should just dump the asshole and find someone who actually loves and respects her.
The guy the husband is cheating with, yeah, it’s a dick move. But Hubby’s marriage is not his responsibility. He’s still also an asshole, but the only people responsible for this marriage are the two people in it. And it sounds like they need a boatload of therapy.
frankcar1965
Just screw him and understand that’s all it’s going to be. If it’s not you someone else is going to get it so it might as well be you. The good wife is a fool or an idiot and needs to make a decision for herself. Life is a bitch move on.
fshepinc
Welcome to the 1970s! That’s where this ostrich-wife seems to be living… She knows her husband cheats on her with his best male friend. So who is he with that she doesn’t know about? A man who cheats, cheats. And he’ll continue to cheat because that’s who he is and what he wants. His nature isn’t going to change. It is possible that all that hubby is doing is lying back and getting oral service from his friend, but I can’t imagine that scenario going on for years without more happening at some point. Complaining to the friend will solve nothing.
I’m with the previous poster who quoted Dan Savage. Oral sex is standard these days, and if she doesn’t want to do it that’s fine –But she shouldn’t be surprised that her husband is getting it elsewhere. If that’s truly all he’s doing, and he’s not bringing any bugs back to their bedroom, she’s damn lucky. If you can’t talk to your spouse about stuff like this, then I question your relationship.