Lest he fade into complete oblivion where he belongs, 80-year-old Charles Manson has made recent headlines by announcing his upcoming nuptials. Who’s the lucky lady, you ask? Why it’s 26-year-old Afton Elaine Burton. The two met through a Charles Manson fan page that Burton runs. It’s got rom com written all over it: You’ve Got Mail meets Silence of the Lambs.
Manson’s wedding got us thinking, mostly about how Charles Manson is free to obtain a marriage license whenever he damn well pleases, and there are still 17 states and countless other places in the world where two committed same-sex people don’t share the same freedom.
Just to thoroughly squash the idea that the sanctity of marriage is threatened by gay people wanting in on the action, here’s concrete proof (starting with Charles Manson and his bride-to-be) that straight people have already demolished “traditional marriage’s” claim of having any moral high ground.
Sit back and enjoy the car wreck:
You’re invited to…
…the marriage of Charles Manson and Afton “Star” Elaine Burton
Yes, that may be a swastika on his forehead, but this couple is all smiles as they await their big day. Please join them for an industrial themed metal-on-stone wedding, complete with armed guards and a wedding cake made out of salvaged sliced white bread. Guests subject to strip search.
…the wedding of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries
Kanye who? Kim and Kris are so in love, they decided they’d cash in on their once-in-a-lifetime special moment by giving it its own TV special called Kim’s Fairytale Wedding. Cell phones will be confiscated upon entry, because if any photos get out they won’t get paid as much for the subsequent People magazine exclusive photo rights. © True Love 2011
…the blissful voyage of Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock
You might think, “Leave these two alone they’re just getting frisky on their honeymoon,” but this is a photo from the actual wedding itself. Which was on a booze-soaked yacht. Be sure to eat something (preferably bland) before boarding to avoid hurling over the side of the boat as this wedding sets sail for eminent disaster.
…the everlasting union of Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn
Henry got around the church’s stance on marriage by creating his own church, which was kind of a smart move. But it does show how silly the construct of holy matrimony is in the first place, because — spoiler alert — it didn’t exactly work out with his 2nd wife, Anne. He had her killed, then went on to four subsequent brides. To his credit, he only had one more beheaded after Anne.
…the tropical sendoff of Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney
This happy couple is in it to win it. Well, for at least four months. That’s how long it took for them to annul their picturesque beachside wedding. But still, join them on the sand as they exchange vows that are all a big lie. Then try and explain how marriage is so sanctimonious that only hetty couples like Renee and Kenny can enjoy its charms.
…the well-planned union of Britney Spears and Jason Alexander
Same-sex marriage is now legal in Nevada, but that’s not stopping some Vegas shotgun wedding chapels from denying service to gay couples. Luckily Brit didn’t have the same problem. Please join them nearly eleven years ago at the very drunk, very forever (or 55 hours) holy union of Britney and Jason. Not only is the reception open bar, but you’re encouraged to show up as drunk as possible to the ceremony as well.