A bullied 10th grader allegedly served semen-filled cupcakes to her tormentors at a Bakersfield high school recently. While we don’t condone that sort of behavior, we’d be lying if we said it didn’t make us chuckle just a little.
The whole thing got us thinking about the nutritional benefits of cum. So, like the studious gays we are, we did some research on the subject, and unearthed all sorts of mind-blowing information about man juice that we didn’t know we didn’t know.
Check out these 10 fun facts you may or may not have known about semen.
Sperm was first discovered in 1674 by Dutch microscope maker Antonie van Leeuwenhoek. The story goes Mr. van Leeuwenhoek was sitting at home one day when he decided to take a peek at his semen under a microscope because — well — why not? What else was there to do on a rainy day in the 17th century? What he found were a bunch of “very little animalcules” (that’s an old-fashioned word for tiny animals) swimming around. He recorded his observations in his diary. Two years later, in October 1676, he shared them with the Royal Society, where the information caused quite a sensation. As a result, today van Leeuwenhoek is considered to be the father of microbiology.
9. Ingredients in semen
Contrary to popular belief, semen is not made up entirely of sperm. A tablespoon of ejaculate contains only 1% of actual sperm. The other 99 percent is a combination of ascorbic acid (Vitamin C), calcium, citric acid, enzymes, fructose sugar, phosphate and bicarbonate buffers, protein, water and zinc.
8. The prevention of tooth decay
Because semen contains zinc, calcium, and other minerals, it can potentially help fight tooth decay, as well as boost the immune and nervous systems. Of course, it’s not nearly as effective as toothpaste, but it’s an alternative should you ever find yourself at a man’s house without a toothbrush handy. Unfortunately, though, it doesn’t leave quite the same minty fresh aftertaste.
7. Speaking of taste…
A man’s diet greatly impacts the flavor of his semen. This incredibly informative chart may help explain why the taste of your partner’s cum varies from day to day:
6. The majority of men, gay and straight, have tasted their own semen… and liked it
A 2010 questionnaire found that 57 percent of men surveyed had tasted their own semen and enjoyed the flavor, compared to 11 percent who said they did not enjoy it. 22 percent of men surveyed said they had not tasted their own semen, compared to 7 percent who said they had done so, but on accident. 2 percent of men surveyed said that they had never tasted their own semen, but they had tasted semen belonging to another man. Fascinating.
Semenex claims to be the “first and only all-natural, patented shake mix for men” that can add zest to semen. The 100 percent vegetarian powder reportedly tastes like “liquid pumpkin pie” and contains concentrated pineapple, banana, strawberry, broccoli, and celery, plus three essential spices and a selection of vitamins and minerals. Basically, you drink the crap and then 24 hours later, your cum tastes better. 10 servings cost $44.95. That’s approximately $4.50 per flavorful ejaculation.
5. Sperm softens the skin
Sperm contains spermine, an anti-oxidant believed to help diminish wrinkles, smooth skin, and clear up acne. Proving that whenever there is money to be made, somebody somewhere will find a way to make it, Bioforskning, a Norwegian company, has begun synthesizing spermine and selling it as a facial cream to spas around the world. But it doesn’t come cheap. A spermine facial at one New York spa runs around $250.
“Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties,” the description for chef Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer‘s cookbook Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-based Recipes reads. “Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic.” The 62-page cookbook contains dozens of recipes that feature semen as the main ingredient. Photenhauer also has another book with recipes for semen-infused alcoholic beverages. Yes, it’s slightly disturbing, a little disgusting, and 100 percent legit.
3. Alternative names for semen
There have been a number of nicknames given to semen over the decades, including: baby batter, jizz, spunk, trouser gravy, splooge, man chowder, two-ball compound, nut, man jam and pecker spit, among others.
2. Low in calories, low in protein
Rumor once had it that a single load of jizz contained about 20 calories and the same amount of protein as an egg white. In truth, the average male’s load only has 0.7 calories and 171 milligrams of protein. A person would have to ingest 4 ounces of semen to get the same amount of protein they would from an egg white. And considering that the average male’s load is only about 3/4 of a tablespoon, that’s a lockjaw-induing number of BJs.
Semen itself is not harmful to your health when swallowed, but if your partner has an STD, you can be exposed to it by having his spunk in your mouth. According to the San Francisco City Clinic, “oral sex provides the greatest risk for exposure to certain STDs such as syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia and shigella (if your partner has just topped someone else unprotected).” One way of preventing this from happening is by using condoms. These days, you can get them in just about almost any flavor: chocolate, banana, chocolate banana, cotton candy, mint, grape, strawberry, even cannabis. Seriously. A new pot-flavored condom just hit the market. Now that’s something we’d love to wrap our lips around!