This is the era of social media activism. The #metoo movement was basically founded on Twitter.
But what if activism could really be extended to hookup apps?
Most people go on Grindr to chat, hookup or meet someone to date. They are pretty single-minded in that focus, understandably. No one wants to be interrupted when they are looking for Mr. Right or, especially, Mr. Right Now.
Over the past few months, I’ve attempted to use my Grindr account as a weapon of mass education while at the same time using it to look for buddies of various sorts.
How about we take this to the next level?
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When I detect the slightest hint of transphobia, femme bashing, racism or body shaming, I make a habit of calling people out on it. I feel no shame in challenging you for failing to act like a respectful adult, even though it is true that we all regress to horny teenagers on hookup apps.
The excuse used by most gay men is “that’s Grindr,” merely the restatement of a fact that is supposed to let everyone off the hook. But that doesn’t work because we should expect better. Grindr is not a platform for racism and elitism. It’s a public forum where real people go to find sex, love, and community. They don’t deserve to be put down for who they are, and it should not be tolerated. Despite laudable recent PR campaigns like “Kindr,” encouraging members to treat each other with respect, Grindr itself does a very poor job of community management, meaning it’s up to members to step up.
Related: Gay guys share their Grindr horror stories
There’s actually a community of Whimsical Warriors who are doing their part on Grindr (and Instagram, Twitter, Tindr and Facebook, and Scruff) to eliminate unkind verbiage. The days of “no fats, no fems, no Asians” needs to be put behind us, once and for all. Let’s face it, there’s also self-interest at play: If you message me racism or transphobia or masc privilege, you ain’t gettin’ the D.
It comes down to this: If you’re a femme bashing transphobic piece of racist piece of shit, please block yourself hunney. Thank you, next!
Here’s some screen evidence of my recent activism:
Based on my extensive Grindr interventions, here are 5 ways that you too can become a Grindr Warrior:
1. Shaming is good
The first step to dealing with Grindr racists, transphobes, and body-shamers is, well, shaming. I will call you out and put it on my Instagram because it’s 2019 and if you’re a racist you should be exposed on a public forum. FYI, this step will get a lot of pushback so be ready for expletives and aggressive backlash. I believe it’s best to block a user once you confront them about their racist or transphobic profile because the bigotry just goes up a notch.
2. Respect people’s time
Becoming a Grindr Warrior doesn’t just mean calling people out all the time and getting all serious in a huge group of horny men. Spend some time enjoying chatting with all the great guys on there. And BTW, when you are doing that, it’s all about respecting people’s time. If you’re not into someone politely decline rather than pretending to be interested or to be nice. People become rightfully indignant not for being rejected by being led on, their time wasted. It’s best to be real and upfront when it comes to your interest with someone or whether you are in Justice Warrior mode.
3. Be actively inclusive
Go out of your way to include people by monitoring your own potentially toxic language. Welcome newly out gay men into the fold. Befriend lonely guy who has just moved to town or just suffered through a breakup. There’s no need for “mean boys” and hierarchies.
4. Be a leader
By modeling a positive way of connecting, we can begin to repair the damage that has been done to our queer community at our own hands and at our fingertips through hookup apps. And it’s like we all forgot what Mama Ru says, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”
5. Yes, be a snitch
If you can’t reach a toxic user and feel like it’s a lost cause, don’t hesitate to report the profile. Write to Grindr feedback and provide the name of an offending profile. Demand the Grindr management team take action. Nothing will change unless we demand it, allowing our inner Kelsi to come out and take charge.
Where are my dragons?
Amir Yassai regularly hosts panels discussing addressing transphobia, femme bashing, body shaming, and racism within the queer community. He’s interviewed on stage Carson Kressley, Johnny Sibilly, Eureka O’Hara and Ongina. As a queer Muslim, Amir is a self-proclaimed “human unicorn.”
Yassai is promoting a gender-inclusive trans-inclusive body positive pool party during LA Pride 2017 on June 7th.
bonbon
What you’re doing is against Grindr terms of service so I’ve sent this article to them to investigate.
iamru2
Wow what a self hating angry homophobe this guy is! He’s also a coward and a bully! His self righteous witch hunt is going to backfire at some point! On second thought I think he’s getting rejected a lot!
Apolodorus
Self hating homophobe? Coward? A coward would be if he, let’s say he sat behind a keyboard making comments under an assumed alias.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
I have specific types of guys I am sexually attracted to. I do not cast hate and bigotry towards those I am not attracted to. That being said I am not going to be shamed by being pretty specific in those am interested in on my profiles.
This nonsense that because you are “shaming” someone or a horrible people because you aren’t attracted to them is nothing but PC bullthit. If someone doesn’t want to be with you put on your big boy pants, block them and move on.
And for the record I find some FTM guys incredibly hot and have had awesome hooks with them….
Vince
“The days of “no fats, no fems, no Asians” needs to be put behind us, once and for all.”
I wonder if Amir has an open door dating policy himself? Show us how it’s done Amir. F*ck everyone that’s interested in you. Lol
startenout
It’s truly the dumbest among us who can’t figure out the difference between “I hate A, B and C because you’re less than me vs. saying “I am looking for D, E and F.” One is a negative put down and one is positive searching.
Vince
Only the most PC on steroids like yourself or just burned too many times would associate hate with just no sexual interest.
Amir Yassai
I’m attracted to energy and personality. End of story.
CanadianGuy62
@startenout… I wish it were that simple. I put on my profile that I was partial to Latinos and Asians, but open to all, then got blasted by a black guy I dared to contact. He called me out as racist because I didn’t specifically indicate that I was partial to black guys.
What’s next? Will I be called sexist because I don’t care for girls?
It’s beyond ridiculous. It’s a hook-up site, not some government service offering something to which were all equally entitled!
TheMarc
No one is OBLIGATED to be attracted to someone they’re not. I agree that if their tone is truly racist, overly demeaning and insulting, perhaps they should be called out on that. But anything else, dude, calm down. It’s a hookup app. Much like Twitter and other social media, it just amplifies and puts on display just how vapid, superficial and myopic some human beings can be; and how they have always been. Becoming GRINDR police is not going to change that. They’ll still have the same preferences, beliefs, etc. but they’ll be more discreet about it. That hot guy that won’t sleep with you because you’re black, persian, trans, “fat,” etc., won’t suddenly change their mind because you called them out on it.
startenout
Yeah but he may learn to shut up about his racist or transphobic prejudices and take the responsibility on himself for actually interacting like a human. Or just maaaaybe he’ll learn to be less of a negative shell of a man and see everyone as a human. Such a weird idea that people could do better. Wow
Amir Yassai
I know It won’t all change over night but we can try to make a difference at least. Small things can have massive impact!
TheMarc
@Amir, I’m all for attempting to make a positive impact; but your methods will just create more self-assured, aggressive a-holes. These types of people are very defensive and barely listen to the most basic logic. I mean, come on, it 2019 and they’re still dismissing entire races generically. They live for negative confrontation on their profiles. They see it as validation for their “choices.” I would say that a more constructive, informative and respectful dialogue would be a better course, except, I don’t think these types are redeemable. I think the better course of action, from a community perspective, is to let these people who seemingly want to self-segregate themselves anyway, do exactly that.
Apolodorus
There are not enough eye rolls in this world. Not wanting to sleep with people is not the same as insulting them. Straw men much?
When you say: no chocolate and no rice – you are going beyond not wanting to sleep with a person. You are insulting them.
And all religions denigrate women and gay people. And both have a dim view of gay people and in cases endorse their murder. Doesn’t make it better, but you can’t exactly cast stones.
Apolodorus
Jesus Christ people. As I said in an earlier comment ( because I naively thought that the one keyboard “preference“ warrior would be a marginal opinion rather than the majority):
Not wanting to sleep with people is not the same as insulting them. That is a straw man argument to defend what you actually doing.
When you say: no chocolate and no rice – you are going beyond not wanting to sleep with a person. You are insulting them.
And you know you are insulting them. You know what you are doing when using derogatory expressions in your profile is unsavoury, That is the reason for this absurd this absurd pearl clutching.
Snow flakes the lot of you. Are you not able to endure a bit of healthy challenge? Or the freedom of expression that your lot usually dish out? Because it goes both ways.
TheMarc
Oh, I don’t think the vast majority are saying putting those phrases in one’s hookup profile isn’t racist. Not at all. It absolutely is. The point, which is more relevant to the article, is the author’s aggressive actions regarding those types of people who would put “no rice” or “no chocolate” on their profiles. Do you follow around and harass every a-hole you meet? I don’t. I kick them out of my space, out my life and out of mind. Or as is relevant to Grindr, I block them. What Amir is doing is extreme and ultimately pointless. And yes, I still don’t think anyone is obligated to have sex with someone they don’t want to; whatever their reasoning. If they want to deprive themselves of the rich rainbow the world has to offer, let ’em.
iamru2
@ the mark. In order for it to be “ absolutely “ racist that would require EVERYONE to agree ABSOLUTELY. In other words it absolutely is not rscist to say those things! Insensitive, maybe. Racist? Only to a racist!
TheMarc
@Iamru2 – So if it’s just kinda racist, it’s ok?? And how is dismissing an entire race not racist? Whatever mental gymnastics you want to perform to convince yourself that’s it okay to say no asians, blacks, middle easterners, etc. is your business. But don’t try to will your logic into reality just cause it makes you feel better about yourself. And as far as everyone needing to agree; well the jury’s pretty much out on racism being a bad thing; and the only person that doesn’t believe that is, in fact, a racist!
Amir Yassai
Amen!!
Apolodorus
Yes, because calling out racism is more offensive than actually being racist right?
theafricanwiththemouth
I’m sorry, i think Amir is actually passionate about stamping out body shaming and what not, which is a good thing… But “grindr justice warrior”? Pretty pointless. Damn, i just have to laugh at this article, those screenshots are especially hilarious (and a lil infantile).
artguy1000
I love and agree with the intent of this article but the “shaming the shamers” part seems off and counterproductive. All that accomplishes is stopping the dialogue. If we hope for real change in our community (or in the world), we have to educate and challenge people in a respectful way, not create an Orwellian, anti-free speech police state.
Brian
Stopping the dialogue? Since the advent of social media there hasn’t been a single issue that hasn’t already been dialogued to death. Nobody’s minds are being changed by the dialogue.
startenout
And if telling them they’re doing wrong isn’t going to work in your opinion, then what exactly do you suggest, because it sounds like no dialogue at all and just silently waiting for change which ALWAYS works out well.
Brian
I suggest that you make sure that your own behavior is appropriate, and don’t tell other people what to do. If Grindr wants to take care of it (which they clearly don’t) then that’s their prerogative. If you don’t like it, stop patronizing Grindr. Or as that great, progressive philosopher Kacey Musgraves says “mind your own biscuits and life will be gravy”.
Amir Yassai
Thanks for your feedback. I do Appreciate it 🙂
JoshGL
But if we have to go this route, we should have little trophy badges for participation or first runner-up.
sportstar2600
So, when is he going to become a warrior for ageism? I find it ironic that guys who rant about racism, transphobia, etc. have “No old guys” in the same profile.
startenout
Does he really or are you just assuming because he didn’t personally mention you in this article? Since he appears to be saying all prejudice and bigotry without mentioning every single group, let’s just assume you’re covered.
Amir Yassai
“No old guys” in your Grindr profile is equally disgusting.
marion
And today ladies and gentlemen Amir will be writing an article about himself. He is such a brave keyboard warrior. His responses were also pretty poor if those screen shots are the highlights i can only imagine how bad the rest must have been
Amir Yassai
Thanks for your brave comments 🙂
Aires the Ram
When you actually have to clean up, get out of the house and drive to a gay venue of some sort, so as to meet people and potential hook-ups, you don’t behave that way face to face. Because if you did, you’d likely end up shi$%tti*g out your front teeth the next day. This is why social apps like Grindr are NOT a community AT ALL. They’re a gee-whiz look what they invented so I don’t have to go out in public and put my social skills to work. Maybe even shine up on your social skills a bit. So is it any wonder, when in written form on Grindr (et. al.), that people just say what they think, what they want, what they don’t want. They wouldn’t do it in person, but they can in written form. Much like the old hook-up ads in the back of porn magazines used to be. Grinder and others are just the modern day version with a pic or two.
Heywood Jablowme
Good point about “the old hook-up ads in the back of porn magazines,” and later in the mainstream alt-weekly papers (mostly defunct now). Hook-up ad racism was MUCH more prevalent back in the ’70s, ’80s and ’90s than it is now on Grindr. For some reason, today’s young “justice warrior” (self-proclaimed) types seem convinced that this problem is worse than it used to be. It’s not.
Also, this problem is almost non-existent on Scruff in my observation. It’s a Grindr thing.
Luna1979
Wow I was just having this conversation with my boyfriend not 10 mins ago!
I told him there was no difference between straight people claiming we need “help/therapy” and any orientation demanding we date people we aren’t attracted to in any way. If you’re not into white guys, you’re just NOT. No shaming in the world is going to change that any more than some idiot asking you if you’ve ever tried to be with a woman.
The bf said it was racist, I said it’s not. You can get on great with any number of people of all races and sizes, but it doesn’t mean you want to bed them, just like you can have loads of girl friends and not want to hook up with them either. I can’t imagine someone dating me because they felt compelled to be pc. Isn’t that like pity sex?!
Aires the Ram
@Luna1979, Right on the money!! You could either call it “pity sex”, or perhaps “mercy f*c*k”. Either way, who in their right mind would want that?
Amir Yassai
So happy the article came at such an apt time! Having a preference saying you’re not attracted to Asian or black is. Have you met every black or Asian person on this earth? How do you know?
SportGuy
Good for him!
Amir Yassai
Thankss boo!
Heywood Jablowme
SERIOUS QUESTION. Well I guess I may never know the answer to whether “Persi@n” is an unacceptable term or not? This question has been deleted twice for no obvious reason.
The author refers to HIMSELF as “Persi@n” in one of the screenshots. Is he being ironic in responding to the other poster? Or has the term simply been “reclaimed”? Or what? It’s a simple, serious question. Why does this keep getting deleted? I’m not a frickin’ mindreader!
To quote A Flock of Seagulls: And Iran… Iran so far away… lol.
Brian
I used to work with an Iranian guy and he referred to himself as the P word. I live in LA and I’ve heard way more people refer to the P community than the Iranian community, which is rare to hear. I think this is just misguided people jumping on the back of the Asian/Orient@l thing and assuming it must be the same. Which it’s not.
Heywood Jablowme
@Brian: Thank you for the explanation! I’m totally mystified why my question was deleted, twice. Fortunately I saw your answer before this was deleted a third time. 🙂
Amir Yassai
Persian is Iranian peoples way to be proud. We love to say Persian. And yes it’s us owning the word as many minorities have owned words as well.
Josh447
These comments about cover it. A person stating their likes and dislikes for sex are fair game. To each his own Amir. Drop the threatening activity that makes things worse, and mind your own business.
Amir Yassai
I think minding our own business is why now we have climate change and the abortion law in Alabama. When people “mind their own business” bad things can happen.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
It’s always interesting that those who cry the loudest about “body shaming” are usually morbidly obese….
Amir Yassai
Being shamed about your body is not about the size of your body it’s about how you’ve been made to feel about your body.
Jared MacBride
“How you’ve been made to feel about your body?” The only person who can make anyone feel good or bad about your body is you. The sooner you recognize this and stop blaming the world for your insecurities the better off you’ll be.
PanzerRider
This article reminds me of my 3 year old nephew when he doesn’t get something he wants. A hysterical hissy fit accompanied by crying and the holding of breath in a desperate attempt to get his way. While the author is most likely an adult he definitely has the emotional maturity of a pre-teen. This tripe was noting more than his pathetic attempt to let the world know what a good and righteous person he is. Well, he failed. And failed horribly. The only thing he accomplished was letting the world know that he is so desperate for attention and praise from others that he’ll regurgitate all sorts of banal psycho babble in the name of the attention he craves. To be so desperate for the approval of others truly is sad. It must be a difficult life to be so incredibly weak and needy.
Amir Yassai
Thanks for reading it tho! Lol
CanadianGuy62
I troll the countless scammer guys who contact me; it usually starts out with a tap from some impossibly hot guy with his last name in his user profile, followed by, “You date Army guy before?” English but with poor syntax…not what one expects from a supposed U.S. soldier.
I’ll bait them for a bit, then report them when they provide enough incriminating messages. They prey on lonely hearts, hoping to trick sympathetic guys into sending gift cards (or more).
I can spot them from a mile away and report as many as I can. Their seeming omnipresence makes me wonder what percentage of Grindr profiles are actually real!!!
Amir Yassai
Thanks for sharing this!