The Republican Party is the party of smaller government—unless, of course, they’re talking about other people’s sex lives. This primary season is providing more evidence that the GOP wants extensive governmental control over how we manage our private parts. Rick Santorum even wants to bring back sodomy laws, a relic of medieval times—and the American ’50s.
As we recover from Super Tuesday, I’ve put together a brief list of Republican “Dos and Don’ts” to help clarify the party’s sexual positions (pun intended).
Can you name the Republican politico each rule refers to? (Answers below: No cheating!)
1. It’s easier to ask a wife for forgiveness than permission.
And who needs her permission anyway? You can just divorce her if she says no to the open marriage you’ve already started having, without her knowledge. What kind of selfish woman would want her husband all to herself?
2. Same-sex marriage is a threat to “traditional” marriage. Rent boys are fine, though.
(Quiz hint: There are multiple correct answers.)
3. A wide stance is extremely unladylike!
If you’re a closeted anti-marriage-equality politician who has extensively moralized about others’ sexual behavior, keep in mind that what happens at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport doesn’t stay there — it follows you home to Idaho. If you’d gone to finishing school, you’d know that your ankles should be touching at all times.
4. When Republicans do it, it’s “freedom.” For everyone else, it’s “promiscuity.”
Marriage is between one man and one woman. Or at least one woman at a time. Or, you know, if you can’t stick to that, at least find a woman who can keep her mouth shut. And remember: Even if you’re currently having an illicit affair, it’s okay to shame others for doing so. (Quiz hint: Again, take your pick!)
5. Always remember that Republicans know best.
You may have made youthful choices you now regret: For instance, living with a boyfriend 40 years your senior who performs abortions (and who treated you to expensive gifts and lavish vacations). The thing to do now is pretend that all this stuff never happened, and to publicly condemn young people who might make similar choices. And if you can, have your husband criminalize the behaviors that you yourself benefited from. (Compassion never helped anyone.)
6. Everything you need to know about sex and relationships is in the Bible.
That’s why homosexuality is wrong and why we stone adulterers to death. And as we all know, “whomever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery,” (that’s the word of Jesus, y’all). So, get some rocks!
7. We’re just kidding about all that “stoning adulterers” stuff.
When you decide to divorce your wife, call a press conference to announce it. She’ll find out in the papers like everyone else.
1. Newt Gingrich
2. New Jersey mayor Chris Myers and/or George Rekkers
3. Larry Craig
4. Newt again (among others)
5. Karen Santorum
6. Rick Santorum (among others)
7. Rudy Giuliani
Know any other Republican rules of sexual etiquette? Share them in the comments section.