Since the beginning of the pandemic, there has been a significant uptick in crimes against Asians worldwide. Donald Trump‘s hostile rhetoric, calling COVID-19 the “Chinese virus, ” magnified anti-Asian sentiments throughout America.
Stop AAPI Hate, a nonprofit organization documenting incidents of hate and discrimination against Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders in the United States, recorded 3,795 cases since March 2020, including hate speech, vandalism, and physical assault.
Just last week, an Asian mother in New York City was spat on, an elderly Asian woman in San Francisco was punched from behind, and six Asian women in Atlanta were massacred by a gunman who blamed his “sexual addiction.”
The recent rampage points to the widespread anti-Asian racism plaguing the world and the sinister racial sexualization deeply intertwined with our communities. As a gay Asian man, I’ve faced discrimination and fetishization throughout my life, especially in navigating relationships with other gay men.
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When I was on dating apps, racism surrounded me. From sexual position to body size, cruel jokes filled my inbox. From racial identity to language, my culture was brushed off and confused for another in almost every introduction. Swiping through profiles, headlines and descriptions read “no Asians,” leaving me confused and angered as to why such blatant intolerance was allowed on the platforms.
Racial insensitivities were often masked as compliments: “You’re attractive for an Asian,” “You speak English well,” and “You’re so articulate.” And I often felt treated like just another collectible–for men who would show me their entire Rolodex of Asian ex-boyfriends or those who wanted to check off their Asian or minority “box.”
Even after departing dating apps, unwanted sexual messages would find their way into my social media inboxes. From Instagram to LinkedIn, I’m reminded of my identity almost every day–fetishized and sexualized by my community.
The atrocities of this past year have cemented many thoughts on my race. No matter how diligently I followed the model minority myth sold to me, the racism I would endure has always been out of my control. Hard work and diligence would not shield me from inequity, and silence would only reinforce and amplify the vitriol.
We cannot ignore racism. From our offices to our homes, from our public spaces to online worlds, it has always been all around us.
The more we can acknowledge it, the sooner we can begin to take the steps needed to abolish prejudice in our actions, thoughts, and words and become more inclusive and equitable.
We cannot buy off racism either. Every victim’s donation fund is not an opportunity to absolve the guilt of not having done enough.
In the wake of violence and pain, we can leverage our solidarity to build long-lasting friendships and curious relationships to inquire how we can better show up for one another. Dialogue invites us into each other’s complex lives, dismantling reductive stereotypes, labels, and biases.
To my Asian family, I see you. The oscillating pain and numbness are both valid. Take this opportunity to vocalize your needs. Share your stories or take a rest– this time is for yourself. Give your body the attention and space it deserves.
To my allies, I invite you to create space, stand against racism, and offer ways of addressing systemic change without the need to be prompted. Put down the comedic punchlines that normalize biased ways of thinking. Reject the sexualization and racial fetishization of our Asian and other marginalized communities.
We all deserve to be individuals free of discrimination.
We all deserve to experience joy free of fear and retribution.
We all deserve to live and experience life unbounded by the limitations of others.
Together, we are stronger than racism. Stop Asian hate.
Steven Wakabayashi is a gay second-generation Japanese-Taiwanese-American, creating equitable mindfulness and design spaces in New York City. He is the host of Yellow Glitter, a podcast on mindfulness through the perspective of queer Asians, founder of QTBIPOC Design, and shares a weekly newsletter of his perspective on the world on Mindful Moments. You can find him on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.
Support the work of Stop AAPI Hate and Asian Americans Advancing Justice.
Aaron
I’m White and there is literally no reason for people to share what races they are not attracted to. It’s so unnecessary. Keep that shit to yourself. Preferences are okay (liking one more than the other) but racial “exclusions” based on race is, by definition, racist. You absolutely have the right to have racial exclusions when dating or having sex, but it’s still racist. Being a racist is not necessarily illegal.
Kangol2
Racism involves more than personal “preferences” and gay hook-up apps. It’s a system and set of structures that enable hierarchies of power and oppression based on people’s race. Anti-Asian American and anti-Asian racism have a long history in the US, and have been periodically been super-charged, as the hateful monster Don the Con did last year in an effort to take as little accountability as possible for his disastrously incompetent response to the Covid-19 pandemic. The result is the explosion of anti-Asian attacks we’ve seen in the US. We should all work to eliminate racism and other isms,, particularly LGBTQ people, who have historically been the targets of extreme hatred and violence ourselves.
kamirX
But of course these stated preferences could either reflect or actually help manifest the systems and structures that facilitate racism.
Kangol2
@KamirX, the preferences certainly can, but racism is not simply an interpersonal issue, it’s much broader. In other words, it’s not either/or, it’s both/and.
ronniebs
Aaron, I’m Asian & thanks for that. You’re a true ally.
yendor808
I’m haole (caucasian) and have spent most of my life living in Hawaii. A place where every group is a minority, although Asians are the largest group. And people of mixed race comprise nearly 25 percent of the population. This racial melting pot is one of the best things about living here. We all get along quite well without all the racial hatred and violence that plagues the mainland, which was greatly accelerated after tRump fanned the flames. Personally, I think Asian men are gift from the universe and I truly admire Steven Wakabayashi for speaking his truth and the work he is doing. All forms of racial and LGBTQ hatred/violence needs to be addressed and eliminated and the more people speaking out against it will make a difference.
kboi808
I’m hapa haole from Hawaii and so glad of the melting pot we live in. Personally, i date guys whatever their race may be. As long as they are nice, have a brain and treat me well, I will date them. I ‘ve had long term relationships with caucasian, Japanese, Filipino and a mixed black/French/American Indian man. I was raised to not look at a person’s race or skin color. It really makes for a great life with many wonderful friends and the melting pot of my own family. Ahui hou!
bivector
Nobody is trying to change anybody’s attractions. If they’re basic, they’re basic, but they don’t need to telegraph that fact in an insulting manner that’s the modern day version of “whites only” signs. Just like people can be as homophobic as they like in private, but they’ll get ripped a new hole if they they write that on a poster and hang it out in public.
griffin87
@Aaron
Thank you!! That’s what I’ve been trying to say all these years however not before some troll comes along to discount it.
Prefer a certain race? Great, list it in your profile. But it’s not necessary to list what you don’t like, you’re not at a friggin salad buffet.
MISTERJETT
people have no control over who they are and are not attracted to, but just stop the hate. that’s so unnecessary, i feel so sorry for racist, prejudiced, homophobic and bigoted idiots. they miss out on knowing a lot of good people.
kamirX
Over decades I’ve noticed you’re just as likely to see a black guy state in an ad “no blacks” or “prefer white or latin” as you are to see a white guy do it. Asians are guilty of this as well. If a black of Asian guy can prefer white men, which many do, then why is it racist for a white man to have this same preference? Why are they not allowed this privilege? When black or Asian prefer white (which is typically left unstated) they are seen as “progressive” or “color-blind”, whereas white men are villanized for this same preference.
ThatGuy22
I would just point out that if a Black guy says “no blacks” or “prefer white or latin” that is also a product of white supremacist discourse in that lighter skin is preferred over darker skin. You seem to want to reduce racism to the individual and then claim that Black guys who make such claims have a “privilege” white guys don’t have. That’s simply not the case. This is what people mean when they say white supremacy is structural and affects us “all” – including those Black guys saying they prefer white guys. Because we have to question – from a sociological (structural) perspective, where does this mindset come from? It’s coming from some very specific places based in history and policy and in how our society has been structured. You seem, however, to want to turn this into “non-white guys can get away with it, white guys can’t so there’s a double standard here, and white guys are thus truly the ‘victims’ here.” Again, not the case. And I know of nobody who is saying that Black or Asian men who put such statements in they are being “progressive.” Being “color-blind,” by the way, is never a good thing. Your “white people are the real victims here” really doesn’t fly and it’s very obvious what you’re trying to do.
Cam
There’s ALWAYS some account that comes in to try to deflect.
“If black people can say the “n” word why can’t white people?!”
Give it a rest.
kamirX
I’m well aware that when Black or Asian state “no blacks” or “no Asian” that the preference may be “coming from some very specific places based in history and policy and in how our society has been structured”, but then again, aren’t the Black and Asian guys who state these preferences aware of this also, yet do it anyway? I’m going under the assumption that we are all intelligent and aware human beings exercising free will. Forgive me if this is a stretch. Yes, we operate in an society where racism affects all of us. Sometimes we are FORCED to endure it, as we are powerless to effect change. But sometimes we CHOOSE to perpetuate it. Perhaps these Black and Asian men CHOOSE to perpetuate racism because they are unable to contain their fetish for white men.
LumpyPillows
I’m actually attracted to Asian guys usually. Which of course the woke left says I am fetishizing them; you can’t win with the woke left. You can’t tell people how to feel and you have no right to attack them for it. Not being a dick about how you communicate your feelings is the key. Should we also ban age ranges since that is hurtful to older men? No, because it is what it is.
inbama
The Woke are to be blamed for a lot of nonsense, but that characterization of racial fetishizaton you mention goes back long before wokeness.
I remember a group called “Asians and Friends” for Asians and their white boyfriends that used to meet at what was then called “The Center” in New York in the early 80s. A rival group soon formed – Asians only – who resented the white guys who they viewed as fetishists. (The derogatory term for Asian fetishists was “rice queen,” by the way). A year or two later the Asian-only group (who self-deprecatingly referred to themselves as “Sticky Rice”) managed to get “Asians and Friends” banned from marching in the Pride Parade.
Liquid Silver
I tend toward exceedingly hairy brunettes myself, which I guess means I like Neandertals. So I’m actually attracted to a deceased species of human… 🙂
It’s nice to live in a culture with so few concerns that they need to make a huge deal about that sort of thing. Or, at least these people pretend there are so few concerns that they have outrage for that sort of thing…in reality, they just can’t be arsed to get off their butts to do anything about the very real problems in society.
Cam
@LumpyPillows and @inbama
Still switching screenames to you can come on and support your own bigoted posts? (Eye Roll)
inbama
@Cam
I provided a little history.
If you see bigotry or anything remotely right wing in in what I said – like me being someone other than myself – it’s a fiction in your increasingly twisted mind.
My2CentsWorth
My approach is to find people of different races appealing. This includes my own race. Race can be a factor in the appeal. I hope that this doesn’t make me a racist.
doristhom
Invitation to a sex club – xmeet.fun
Gadfeal
This was all enabled by self-serving bully on the Presidential pulpit, with the “Wuhan” or “Chinese” virus as the tip of the ignorant bigotry that seems to pervade a significant minority of Americans.
By that “logic”, the real dangers are now the British, the Brazilian, the South African and the Californian viruses. The “Spanish Flu” did not arise in Spain.
However, the spread of smallpox and influenza in the Americas from Europe brought about more death than two centuries of Black Plague. It should correctly be called, “The European Death Plague”. It is estimated that as many as 80-120 million Mesoamericans populated what is now the western US, Mexico, and Central America at the time of European arrival (1492 and after), at the end of the 15th Century. Then, by the end of the 16th Century, only about 20 million remained. That means that the region had more people than all of Western Europe, and that a mere 1 century killed off 80% of them.
In contrast, the Plague caused about 2 million deaths in England between 1350 and 1450, out of an initial population of some 4 million Englishmen. In the same period, France’s population went from about 20 million to some 17 million. It was the Black Plague that decimated England’s men, ending the repeated military clashes – not the fanciful storyline that “Joan of Arc” ended the 100 Years’ War between the London-based Plantagenet dynasty, and their cousins of the Valois dynasty, based in Angers. That commoners would be involved as fodder for warring royals cousins indicates how easily misled the masses were; neither the people living in England, and then W.Francia were involved in the royals’ internecine estate conflict – but they were the ones who paid the price. For those interested, that War marked the birth of the millennial “rivalry” between England and the precursor to France, and the birth of the national identities of what is now England and France. For some reason, people get behind locally-named football teams, even if they are devoid of any locally-grown players, and run by entirely self-interested apatriotic entities; I draw the parallel of European royal families, who intermarried like chess moves, regardless of place of birth, yet, somehow, Commoners took up arms for them!!
Speed forward to the 19th Century, and you will find accounts of certain American military “heroes” who deliberately distributed smallpox infested blankets to Native Americans, killing them with more efficency than arms. Finally, in the 20th Century, Black men were used as involuntary “guinea pigs” as they were infected with STD’s.
Cam
Right wing troll tactic number 237,
Come on, claim that you belong to a certain group, before supporting something that harms that group.
Example: “I’m a woman but I think Harvey Winestein is being treated badly”, “I’m a transperson but don’t think transpeople should be allowed to use public bathrooms,” “I’m a lesbian, but I don’t think same sex marriage should be legal”.
Nice try troll, but it would be a tiny bit harder to spot if you hadn’t used this same screename to defend bigotry on the other threads.
Cam
Notice how the right wing troll screenames are trying to deflect from the massive amount of racist attacks on Asians and make the thread all about dating aps?
You aren’t subtle, switch to as many screenames as you want, but you’re obvious.
kamirX
I believe it was Mr. Wakabayashi himself who drew the parallel between Covid related hate crimes against Asians and his experiences on dating apps.
barryaksarben
I am lucky as my parents were a wild couple who had a rainbow of friends and a wide range of economic levels as well from female strippers to college boys and professors, army buddies, farm wives and semi-pro athletes. I have had sexual and romantic relationships with a lot of different people and the love of my life was First Nation but have dated asian, black and white. People are people if you are open to them. I am so sad for our Asian citizens
BGreen1963
I am a gay white man with a partner, but back when I was dating and using APP’s, any one who said they weren’t interested in people of a certain color or “fems” or “fat people” or redheads or only wanting “straight acting” or anything else that smacked of bigotry I would move right on past them. I don’t want negative people around me. Life and dating are hard enough without bringing someone so blatantly shallow or a bigot into your life. My profile said “no bigots” and I still have nothing to do with bigots and if I see or experience one. I educate them to remove their ignorance and then I walk away or if I don’t trust them behind my back tell them to walk away or call 911. Life is too short to live with that shit.
BGreen1963
I have been supporting people of color for 51 years, meanwhile there is wide spread hateful homophobia in the Asian, African and Hispanic communities. Come on, catch up with the civil rights movement, join us in condemning all bigotry and hate. African-American women have been leading in doing so and Are making great progress. I do have to say many Congressional POC, male and female have been supportive of LGBTQ Rights because they know we are in the trenches fighting alongside them. And lord knows we have bigotry, including racial hate in the gay community. I have been fighting that as well. We must ALL increase our efforts and resolve as we fight the Seditionist Klan that are Trumps hatefilled supporters, that he coaxed out from under their rocks.