According to a 2017 report by the CDC, nearly one in six men has experienced “contact sexual violence” during his lifetime. Of course, everyone responds to sexual assault differently. For U.K. comedian and actor Richard Gadd, it opened his mind in ways he never could have imagined.
“It muddled my brain for so long,” Gadd, who was sexually assaulted by another man four years ago, tells Gay Times. “It was this constant refusal to accept what happened because I didn’t want to believe it.”
Gadd is currently starring in a hit solo show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival called Monkey See Monkey that deals with his coming to terms with his assault.
In the show, Gadd talks about how the attack prompted him to start seriously questioning himself and his identity.
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Before the assault, Gadd identified as a gay man. After the assault, and after some serious self-reflection, he now says he’s to bisexual or pansexual.
“I don’t know who said this quote or even if I’m making it up in my head,” he explains, “but someone said that people will soon learn that you fall in love with people, not genitals, and I think that’s quite interesting.”
He continues:
When you’re younger and a little less developed in knowing who you are, labels can be strong and empowering, but as you explore yourself a bit more they can create confusion in your head. I’ll be like, ‘Oh, if I like that then I can’t be this, but I still enjoy doing this so does that mean I’m not fully that?’
Another unexpected result of his assault: sex addiction.
“I was speaking with this one guy … who said after he’d been sexually assaulted, he sort of detached himself from his body and became very asexual,” Gadd explains.
“People react differently to sex when they’ve been sexually assaulted, but I felt like I didn’t want it to ruin me, so I found that I was having more sex and I was wanting to rediscover the connection I had with it.”
Guys, girls, gender non-conforming, whatever.
Gadd says he’s encountered people who don’t believe him when he says he went from being gay to being bi/pan, “but weirdly, I get that more from gay people.”
“People who I thought would welcome me with open arms sort of gave me the stick,” he says. “There’s always an irony when people who’ve experienced prejudice are prejudiced themselves.”
Ultimately, he adds, “it’s important to start seeing sexuality as fluid.” And, thankfully, most people are starting to come around.
“It’s weird, because four years ago I was stuck in my own private hell, but now, when I’ve decided to talk about it, I realize how much society has progressed around us,” he says.
He adds:
Thinking in terms of gender can be dangerous, but I probably feel stronger now about being a man than I have done in years. I remember I’d shave my head and put on a deep voice to be more “manly,” but I didn’t feel like one inside at all. I hope people believe me when I say this, but the sexual assault made me feel more empowered as a man because I realized that masculinity is just a ridiculous projection. There are no scientific rules, it’s just a word, you know?
Related: Zeke Thomas opens up for the first time about being sexually assaulted by a man from Grindr
DCguy
This is direct from the anti-lgbt playbook. They use to claim that women were only lesbians because they’d been raped and hated men. Not surprised that the guy who keeps writing articles on either “Straight Guys” and articles making lgbts look bad would recycle this destructive false narrative.
Donston
A lot of things can affect the development of sexual orientation. And yes, rape and molestation can be a part of it. Some people are indeed “born gay”. But many big and small things during the key development years of 4-12 have an affect on how your psychology develops and not nearly all of those things are sexual.
It is funny how so many of these recent out-spoken bi/fluid/queer/pan identifying men refuse to flat out say they have sexual attraction to men and women. That’s because so many of these guys simply don’t or they only have substantial and sustainable sexual attraction to one gender. He never said he developed sexual attraction to women, just that his sexual habits changed and his ability to enjoy sex with certain genders changed. As I’ve said many a time: ego, comfort and fetish can often play just as big of a role in who people have sex with, who they’re able to have enjoy sex with, who they have relationships with and what they identify as, sometimes more so than inherent and instinctual sexual attraction. And unfortunately, something like sexual assault experienced as an adult can trigger things like the development of sexual megalomania and/or sadomasochistic fetishes as well as things like misogyny, misandry, ego-dystonia, body part obsessions, getting off on feelings of subversion, nymphomania, losing sexual desire, losing the ability to get or maintain arousal.
I do agree that it’s time to start talking about sexuality beyond “labels”. But so many of these dudes still refuse to be completely honest with themselves and others about who they exactly are and what motivates their behavior and instead hide behind “fluidity” and “choice”. And the reality of it is is that most self-accepting, self-comfortable, solid and stable ego-ed homo and homo-dominant men are never gonna embrace these things, especially with the evasive, narcissism and kink driven, seemingly self-rejecting way so many of these guys speak. And considering he admitted that he was so self-conscious, uncomfortable and depressive when he was identifying as gay it seems like he was someone who was gonna self-reject whether or not he was assaulted.
BivisibleGuy
Okay Donston, I have been following your comments on almost all of the bi articles written on Queerty and here is where I can finally voice my unease:
“And unfortunately, something like sexual assault experienced as an adult can trigger things like the development of sexual megalomania and/or sadomasochistic fetishes as well as things like misogyny, misandry, ego-dystonia, body part obsessions, getting off on feelings of subversion, nymphomania, losing sexual desire, losing the ability to get or maintain arousal.”
The fact that you insinuated that sadomasochistic fetishes are the same as megalomania, mysandry, ego-dystonia (whatever the hell that is) and a rife number of other “disorders” is hugely judgemental. So what if someone enjoys sadomasochistic fetishism? Why does that negate their ability to label themselves?
I am married to a man and have no desire to hang onto my (or protect a never experienced) straight privilege. I may be more romantically attracted to men, but that doesn’t call for my bi-erasure. Whether that is fetish-driven or not, it doesn’t change the fact that it is part of my sexual identity and forget you for saying that I am less bi because of it! Maybe I fantasize about being the woman in bukkake films. Maybe I want to be the aggressive one in a bi three way with a couple. What the heck business is it of yours how I choose to get off or label myself thusly?
DCguy
@Donston,
No, actually what you just did was repeat the anti-lgbt B.S. that the right wing uses. No, sexual orientation is not effected by tramatic experience. This is again, the same fake info that right wing sites use. They claim people are lgbt because they were raped, or had a domineering mother.
Things that people like to do or the type of person they are attracted to can be influenced by experiences. i.e. do they like rough sex, or do they like tall redheads.
But what you are spouting is just recycled crap from old Mormons or evangelicals or doctors in the 1930s
Walker
Guys, bisexual people exist. We really don’t impinge on your right to be gay and we really wish you’d stop trying to insist we’re faking it. Thanks.
Donston
Neither this article nor either of the previous comments argued that bisexuality isn’t real. Where are u getting this? Is that all “proud bi guys” have to add to any discussion about sexuality? That bisexuality is real and nothing else? I actually am bi (though homo-dominant). Also, the guy in the article says he’s pan not bi.
My whole thing has always been be truly real about exactly who you are and what motivates you rather than hide behind labels, especially labels like bisexual, queer, fluid and pan, which frankly, nowadays seem to mean whatever the person who identifies with them wants them to mean. My stance has never been that bisexuality doesn’t exist. Hardly anyone with sense argues that any longer. We’re past that part of the discussion.
It would be nice to have a legit online back and forth with a proud bi identifying and bi living male. Unfortunately, when you get to discussing the dimensions of sexual behavior, sexual attraction and emotional/romantic instincts they tend to either run off or leave a comment that has nothing to do with anything like this one. I’ve only been able to have decent conversations with proud bi men who feel as if they have real and almost equal sexual attraction to men and women. The other “types” are much more evasive.
Also, your “right to be gay” stance seems to be a hint that you’re another person who believes sexual orientation is a choice and “lifestyle”. That would be an interesting convo to have if you stick around.
alfred
“impinge on your right to be gay”. Jesus, get over yourself mate
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
“it’s important to start seeing sexuality as fluid.”
Unfortunately he’s perpetrating the exact same erroneous thinking as the biphobic/bi-denialist gays and homophobic heteros iunable or unwilling to think themselves into the minds of others with entirely different experience. For many (possibly most?),sexuality is *not* experienced as “fluid”; although personally it is for me to some extent
Donston
Yes, people forget that “fluidity” is something that started with anti-gays. And sexual orientation still has not proven to be fluid. Once you sexually mature (which can end around 14) your orientation is what it is. Desires, comfort level, behaviors, ability or inability to enjoy sex with certain genders, fetishes, personality traits, cluster b traits- all of those have proven to have some “fluidity” to them not scientific based sexual orientation.
However, sexual orientation used to simply mean the gender/s you had sexual attraction to. However, it has become convoluted and all-encompassing. It can sometimes also mean the gender/s you can enjoy sex with, the gender/s you can have “physical” attraction to, the gender/s you can develop emotional or romantic feelings for, the gender/s that represent your “lifestyle”. And all of that is fine. The problem is is that it kinda reduces sexual orientation and most sexual identities to meaning nothing. Yet, oddly enough, none of this has really helped kill homophobia or trans-phobia. That’s partly why if I’m being truly specifically, I identify a homo-dominant queersexual. However, I’m lucky, in that my sexual attractions, passions and urges as well as my romantic and emotional instincts are aligned.
In an ideal world more people would be able to nonchalantly say things like, “Yeah, I’m a homo”, “Yeah, I’m sexually attracted to dudes and chicks”, “Yeah, I’m a gay-leaning bisexual”, “Yeah, I’m a straight-leaning bisexual”, “Yeah, I’m gay-leaning pan-sexual”, “Yeah, I’m into trans people”, “Yeah, I’m more sexually attracted to one gender but I prefer dating another gender”, “Yeah, I’ve had some hook-ups outside of my orientation”, “Yeah, I don’t really have sexual attraction to that gender but that’s the gender I feel comfortable with sexually and romantically and that’s the life I want to live”, “Yeah, I’m only attracted to the teenage or extremely young version of that gender”, “Yeah, I just enjoy sex even if it’s with a gender I lack sexual attractions to”, “Yeah, I’m into penises, but I’m not all that sexually attracted to men”, “Yeah, I’m only attracted to the really effeminate men”, “Yeah, I’m only attracted to really masculine women”. “Yeah, I like bottoming for guys but I lack sexual attraction to them”, “Yeah, I’m much more sexually attracted to women but I prefer dating and having sex with guys”, “I’m gay, but I like hooking up with different types of people and experiencing different stuff”, etc.. And they would say these things without fear of being judged or feel like they’re getting in the way of agenda and “identity politics”.
Unfortunately, a great deal of individuals manipulate, use vague language, hide behind labels, take on labels that don’t authentically reflect them, try to hide their megalomaniac tendencies with labels, try to hide a discomfort with having sex with the gender they’re sexually attracted to, try to hide their perversions/fetishes, try to hide their gay-shame/internalized homophobia, try to hide their misogyny or misandry, use sexual identity and behavior to indulge narcissism or to get attention, etc. There’s more of this stuff going on than ever. And this “fluidity” movement is just an extension of that. Wanting to talk more in-depth about these things and wanting people to be honest about these things and their exact sexual attractions and motivations doesn’t equate to “biphobia” or “bi-erasing” or, in this case, “pan-phobia”. We have to be willing to move beyond this “fluidity” so we can help eradicate all these problems.
Donston
People are using “fluidity” to cover up dimensions in their sexuality. And yes, many, if not most people, have some dimension to their sexuality. Whether dimension in sexual attraction, behavior or instincts. Though most people can’t or don’t want to decipher those three things.
I have some instinctual sexual attraction and arousal for a woman’s body. But it’s not comparable to what I have for a man’s body. And a woman’s face and voice do not turn me on. However, I used to enjoy the sex I had with women. Nothing about sexual orientation is a choice or fluid. But people sometimes don’t comprehend every aspect of their sexual attractions, nor do they want to sit down and really think about what motivates their sexual behavior and identity.
He does seem like he may indeed be a legitimate gay-leaning pan-sexual. But like a lot of people who persistently indulge bi behavior he seems far more driven fetish, always wanting to “experience everything” and an unstable/frayed/narcissistic ego (which often happens after an assault) rather than seeming driven by having real and anywhere near substantial sexual attraction to multiple genders.
Dick Gozinia
So, a gay man is sexually assaulted by another man and as a result becomes (or discovers he’s) bisexual? That makes no sense. More likely, as is more likely the case with Aaron Carter, this is a ploy to garner attention and help his career. And, apparently, it worked. Who ever heard of this guy otherwise?
Donston
It could be a ploy and an attempt to get attention and kick-start his career. It’s impossible to know anyone’s motivations. There’s a pretty good chance he knew way before the assault that he had some sexual attractions to multiple genders. There’s also a chance the assault ignited either sadomasochistic and megalomaniac instincts or a desire to be with women more often sexually and romantically because of the “safeness”. But that isn’t altering your inherent sexual attractions. However, like a lot of bi/fluid/pan/queer identifying men he refuses to flat out state his sexual attractions, only how he sees himself and how he behaves vs before the assault. So, it’s hard to say what his sexual attractions are or what motivates him. And this is why all these vague terminologies and identifies and refusals to state sexual attractions becomes so problematic. It just feels more people are trying to hide their dimensions, psychologies and motivations behind them. But you’re probably close to being right. I’m starting to realize that using your sexual identity or behavior to get attention is very much on the rise with men, no matter what their sexual orientation or behavior is, and a lot of it is served on very self-pitying, vague, inscrutable, attention-seeking platters.
Heywood Jablowme
Oooh, another one who hates “labels” while at the sane time making a lot of new labels for himself? How novel.
“There’s always an irony when people who’ve experienced prejudice are prejudiced themselves.” I get so tired of hearing that stuff. We’re not “prejudiced” against you; we just think you’re a dumbass.
And stop having sex with pans, you might get a third-degree burn!
Heywood Jablowme
Sorry for the typo: “sane” time? More like the opposite!
alfred
Did the ‘journalist’ who wrote this piece even read the original gay times article linked? It states that he identified as HETEROSEXUAL before the sexual assault, so im not sure how you got ‘gay’. ‘Homosexual’ and ‘heterosexual’ I could see there being a simple mix up, but to read heterosexual and then put gay means your are either lazy or a borderline troll. No real comment on this story per say, dont really see why it needs to be on a gay news site to be honest.
o.codone
A while back I related a story about how i got my ass cummed by two guys at a party when I was passed out, high and basically comatose. It was a military party an shit happened. It changed me forever. It demolished my self esteem and I had some depression and self-blame about putting myself in that position. and letting that happen. My peers never looked at me the same way again. I had to face the fuc*kers sometimes, knowing they did it to me. You just look down at the ground the whole time, it’s rough. Sexual abuse is life changing. When I shared it here most responses were hostile and blamed me. Like I needed more self blame. My commanding officer said “it never happened”, yet I shit cum the whole next day. Sexual abuse isn’t funny or fun. It hurts, literally and most important, psychologically. I am still ashamed. When somebody says they’ve been abused, believe them.