Queer essayist, activist, dad and relationship counselor Dan Savage has issued a warning to one reader, and to gay & bisexual men at large: do not hook up with your straight friends’ boyfriends.
“I’m a gay male in his 30s and during the pandemic I stayed with a straight male friend and his girlfriend,” writes reader “Boy Lost & Hurt.” “He’d periodically been flirty with me over the years—sending me nude photos and drunkenly telling me that he loved me. When his girlfriend was away visiting family we got drunk together. He bought all the alcohol, he mixed it, and he served it. During this time we had a series of drunken encounters. The first time he took out his c*ck and asked me if I wanted to play with it. There was some brief licking and he grabbed my hair and finished on my face. He hugged me and rubbed my back after.”
“His girlfriend eventually found out about one of the incidents,” the reader continues. “After a month of drama, he told her everything and they broke up. Shortly after he claimed that I took advantage of him and claimed he was too drunk to give consent.”
“I am not sure what to make of this,” the reader says. “First, he is the one that supplied the alcohol and made us both really strong drinks. He also drinks a lot regularly, so his tolerance is much higher than mine, but we drank the same amount and I was much drunker than he was. Third, he continued to hang out with me until his girlfriend found out.”
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“I am deeply hurt,” he concludes. “I’ve lost two friends—which I admit that I am partially to blame for. I knew they were together. But I don’t know what to do about the accusation that I forced him to be sexual without his consent. I have played events over and over in my mind and I don’t understand how he could say this. He supplied the alcohol, he was an active participant, and when I asked if he really wanted to do this, he said yes. I am not sure if he is gaslighting me or if he honestly remembers things differently.”
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Savage, never one to mince words, has some pointed advice for anyone who will listen.
“At some point in our gay lives every gay man learns not to mess around with a friend’s drunk straight-identified boyfriend,” Savage contends. “No matter how many d*ck pics they send us, no matter how much they claim to wanna, when it comes to sh*t—as it invariably does—the gay guy is gonna get the blame. It’s a lesson most of us learn earlier in life (I was 16 when I learned it), but it’s a lesson most us learn after messing around with the drunk straight-identified boyfriend of a friend. We f*ck around, we find out.”
“Your male former friend obviously wanted to mess around with another dude—he wasn’t sending you dick pics by accident,” Savage goes on. “The drinks he made were as much about lowering his inhibitions and yours (about cheating with him) as they were giving him some plausible deniability (“Man, I was so drunk last night!”) if the worst should happen. And it did: you f*cked around, she found out. But after you guys got caught—which almost everybody does—instead of taking responsibility or coming out as bi or bi-curious or at the very least heteroflexible, your former friend weaponized the toxic stereotype of the predatory homosexual against you.”
“It’s understandable that you’re upset,” Savage says, adding a dose of sympathy. “If it’ll make you feel better—and it would certainly make me feel better—you could send screengrabs of the d*ck pics he sent you to him and his girlfriend. Because if anyone was making passes here, it was him. If anyone was taking advantage here, it was him.”
“You could send those screengrabs, but you shouldn’t,” he advises. “As wrong as it was of him to weaponize anti-gay stereotype against you, using his d*ck pics against him would also be wrong. And probably a crime under revenge porn statutes. But you have every right to push back against the accusation that you forced yourself on your former friend—and while you have the receipts and he knows it, you shouldn’t produce them. Maybe just knowing you have them will make you feel better.”
Seems like sound advice to us. Here’s hoping the gay dude patches things up with his female friend.
Donston
I mean, people shouldn’t be out here hooking up with their friends’ significant other in general. Who cares about identities or who started flirting with who? Folks shouldn’t have to be told this type of basic shit. But I guess some do need to hear it.
Heywood Jablowme
I was very naive in my 20s and had a similar incident – with a co-worker yet. I didn’t see it coming (until it was cumming, lol). And after that we worked in the same office for the next 3 years. Back then I was puzzled by anything more complicated than “gay/straight.” The guy here is 30s so we can say he *should* know better, but maybe he just wasn’t aware yet manipulative people can be.
Donston
I’ve definitely gotten caught up a couple of times (though not with a friend or family member’s anything). And I do believe some people are just really dumb when it comes to reading situations, especially in their youth. Some people do get caught up in horniness, fantasy and potential and don’t think about repercussions. Some people are incredibly naive when it comes to understanding how some others use identities, sex, sociology, presented behaviors to build the image or life they want. Some people are incredibly naive when it comes to understanding how manipulative or f-ed up many folks are. Some people are incredibly ignorant when it comes understanding things like sexuality, fluidity and variations as far as the gender, sexual, romantic, affection, emotion, relationship commitment spectrum. All of this is partially why I post here. This site often promotes ignorance and naivety rather than attempts to combat it.
Still, this seems less like a “naive gay” situation and more like this dude is trying to come up with an excuse. It wasn’t even an out-of-the-blue come on. He had been flirting for a while and sent nudes. His thirty-something ass definitely knew something was up.
TheMarc
Good lord, yes! Period! I saw the headline and was like “….well yeah, no, don’t ever do that; even if it’s an openly gay or bisexual guy.” I’ve had the significant others and spouses of female friends who “tried it” and I shut them down immediately; the same way that I shut down the significant others of gay friends. Sounds like the guy is using, at least partially, the same excuse as the “straight” guy; alcohol. We all now alcohol lowers our inhibitions; but taking that into account, he drank beyond his limit with someone who has made multiple passes AND sent him explicit, sexually charged messages. Logic dictates that if he was at all concerned about anything going down between him and his friend’s boyfriend, he would have removed himself from that situation before it even began. I’ve been there and I did the opposite of what this guy did. I have zero sympathy or understanding in this case. Again, their sexual identification doesn’t matter. They had a sexual encounter with their friend’s significant other. It should be no surprise that if they are shitty enough to cheat on their significant other with their mutual friend; they’re also shitty enough to put all the blame on said friend.
LifeinShaw
Typical gay and typical man. No shame whatsoever. I can’t believe how many gays will throw a friendship away over a chance to suck a dick.
BoomerMyles
You’re anti-gay hatred is apparent. It was the “straight” guy who instigated the hook ups.
Peter
Good advice, Dan — as always.
ShiningSex
If anyone did that, they’d be stupid. queens think it’s a challenge until their ignorant hearts get broken by a “BI” not straight. Get that right. No straight guy would have sex with another. It’s called BI.
inbama
The wonderful world of self-identification.
storm45701
I’m glad the very straight men on my old navy ship didn’t think the way you do. Horny dudes sometimes just need relief, no matter the source.
Donston
The thing is, if you hold that standard for “straight” guys then you need to hold that same standard for “gay” guys who’ve hooked up with women a few times or had girlfriends or wives. At the end of the day, you don’t know the dimensions of anyone else’s sexuality or motivations. And while there’s so much focus on identity, a lot of people don’t want to acknowledge how individual sexuality is, how common fluidity/dimensions/curiosity/contradictions are, how frequently people use identities to shield things (and that includes “gay” and “bi” identifying guys), and how varied sexuality, love, emotions, relationship ambitions are. Most instead want to focus on identities and the identities and scenarios that turn them on.
The point of the article is that you really shouldn’t be hooking up with friends’ significant others. Also, these identities are words people choose to embrace or not embrace. They aren’t much more than that. However, “queers” really do need to stop constantly talking about hooking up with “straight” people. It’s really corns. Just say you hooked up with your friend’s dude or with a “straight” identifying/presenting guy. However, that change isn’t not gonna happen widespread, because a lot of “queers” get off on hooking up with people they perceive as “straight” or get off on the “straight” fantasy.
cuteguy
If the author was a female and the friends bf got her drunk and had sex, there is no doubt the man would be blamed. But gay guys have always been the scapegoats and continue to be bc we are always put on the bottom of the totem pole. It’s pathetic that the gay guy here showing his receipts could possibly get him in trouble yet the “straight” guy doesn’t get in trouble for sending unsolicited porn to his former gay friend. One could classify what that straight guy did as digital rape. But apparently any kind of rape, or subsequent sympathy, only happens for women.
Preppy1000
I’ve had sex with str8 guys before and its no big deal. Their gfs never found out and we both had a great time.
rand503
It’s better to land them after a breakup.
Troyfight
@Preppy1000 same.
rickywintour
Your sick and disgusting with no morals. This is why people have a bad view of gay people. Don’t start crying when you catch something from your “straight guys”.
darkanser
Maybe this story wasn’t narrated well as it could have been for it sounded initially like the gay guy was first friends with “straight” GUY. The girlfriend was barely mentioned other than going away to visit family, finding out about her boyfriend’s dalliances and then breaking up with him. The girlfriend seemed like the third wheel. We hear from the straight friend after the breakup — but NOT from his girlfriend. The “straight” guy comes off like one of these down-low men ( who, to say the least, was NOT very down-low) who is so in denial, he’s gaslighting himself. At first I was reading the straight guy’s excuse as something he told his girlfriend — who THEN told the gay friend. It’s confusing. Perhaps, this bit of advice should have been entitled “NEVER be the reason your “straight” friend cheats — no matter how tempting” or something similar. And too maybe the backstory was more hypothetical than the advice.
mailliw110
Ah, straight drama…How did the girlfriend find out? Just want to know, so that I don’t make the same mistake in getting caught!
rickywintour
Some of you gays really have no self respect. Find your own man unless your ugly and can’t get one.
Dixie Rect
What a HO.