A gay man who has a thing for daddies isn’t sure if his new daddy boyfriend is OK with being called “daddy,” so he’s asking Rich Juzwiak over at Slate for advice on how to broach the subject with him.
“Since coming out, I’ve dated one guy my age, but all the other more serious boyfriends have been older,” the 29-year-old man says. “I guess I’ve always had a thing for older guys.”
Nothing wrong with that, of course.
The man continues, “When it comes to sleeping with these boyfriends (and hookups), I usually bottom and can’t help but call them ‘daddy’ when things really get going. I realized early on if I hold in that word, I get all up in my head and lose my erection, but once I can say it the sex is so much more satisfying.”
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The man goes on to explain that his last boyfriend didn’t like being called “daddy,” which he found unusual “since he was 6’1, a tad bigger, and extremely hairy—literally a dad bod.”
“We discussed it a couple times, and he always landed on the word being OK for me to say but he wasn’t necessarily into it. This led me to be self-conscious during sex, and thus our sex life was not great.”
That guy is long gone and now the man has moved onto a new one. The new guy is 10 years older than him and also has a dad bod.
Now the man wonders, “Is there a way to figure out if he’s OK with me using ‘daddy’ during sex? It’s very important to me in terms of getting off, but what if he’s self-conscious about his age? His looks? Do I just yell it out in ecstasy the first time we do it and talk about it after? Or do I bring it up before?”
“How I could share the importance of the word ‘daddy’ during sex?” he asks.
Related: Woman overhears man calling his boyfriend “daddy,” wonders “Isn’t that creepy and maybe perverse?”
In his response, Juzwiak recommends the man tread lightly, but not too lightly.
“I think your best bet is to find partners who actually identify (on apps or what have you) as daddies,” he writes. “Then there will be no ambiguity in appropriate terms of endearment.”
Otherwise, he says, he runs the risk of potentially offending his new lover.
“I think doing it first and then talking about it after is the best way, as calling someone ‘Daddy’ in all likelihood will not be met with out-and-out offense but indifference or moderate disdain, at worst.”
Juzwiak goes on to tell the man that making sure a daddy is OK with being called “daddy” is important because, if he’s not, then he’s probably not the right guy for him.
“Any daddy who balks at being called daddy is hardly the kind of daddy you want, anyway,” he says.
Of course, he could always give it a shot once just to see how the guy responds, sort of like a litmus test.
“Sex brain makes some stuff that sounds odd in theory actually work for some people, so bet on that,” he concludes. “Call your daddy ‘Daddy’ and if he disagrees, you’ll know he isn’t. Simple.”
How do you think this man should handle the situation? Sound off in the comments section below…
Donston
Damn, he can’t even fully enjoy the sex without referring to the dude as “daddy”? There’s some deep-seated stuff going on there. But I guess we all have our thing. This does seem to be a scenario for a lot of guys. They get off more by referring to their partner as “daddy”, “son”, faag” or whatever during sex, but they fear judgement. While many dudes use “daddy” as a term of endearment and loyalty and as a way to establish being submissive. It’s not even strictly an age thing. My husband is a few years older than me. Yet, he sometimes refers to me as “daddy”. I do get some dudes being very uncomfortable and even creeped out by it, especially if they’re self-conscious about their age and looks. The dude needs to be more unabashed about seeking daddies, but he’s already in a relationship. All he can do now is tell his bf that he likes calling him “daddy” and see how he responds.
1898
i hate to state the obvious but has he considered simply talking to his older boyfriend about it?
i think blurting it out during sex and talking about it afterwards is a terrible idea. like, what if the older guy had traumatic experiences with his own father or something? the younger guy is on the right track in terms of wanting to be sure the older guy is ok with it… so the obvious and logical approach is for him to discuss it with the older guy
tbh if you’re too shy or afraid to have a discussion about a single word, what other topics are you too shy or afraid to talk about? will you be able to talk about sexual health or emotional issues? you need to be able to talk about stuff or the relationship won’t work, and you can’t write to an advice columnist every time something comes up
it really doesn’t have to be difficult. he could bring it up casually, like “hey do you ever notice all the guys on the apps who say they’re looking for daddies or the guys who call themselves daddy? what is your opinion of that?”
if the older guy says it’s dumb or that it bothers him, you’ve got your answer and your saved yourself some embarrassment
if the older guy is into it, then you can blurt it out the next time you hook up with him
seriously it’s not complicated 🙂
Donston
Sometimes, I don’t get it either. It’s like, you know the advice you’re gonna get most of the time will be- be honest with whoever. I feel a lot of people just want to see if their question will get a reply.
Mack
My younger “EX” used to call me “daddy” and I absolutely hated it. I wanted a lover not a son.
Be0212
Let’s reframe: This dude can’t get off without turning a guy in a stereotype or sexual fetish with a ridiculous label. He found it “unusual” that his boyfriend didn’t like it. Its a shame that he can’t be into the man, the person he is supposedly in a relationship with.
I’ll try not to hate on his immaturity too much…I’ve never understood why we label ourselves like high school kids…false stereotypes and limiting roles like “jock” “bear” “daddy” etc.
Donston
I get where Mack and Be0212 are coming from. It’s fine if you’re personally uncomfortable with it. But a lot of people have fetishes and paraphilias. And if we’re being real with ourselves a good number of “queers” are looking for daddy or mommy figures. It is what it is. However someone wants to express their passions, romantic affections, love, loyalty is ultimately their business. And they shouldn’t ashamed of it. It doesn’t mean you have to indulge it though.
I do find the daddy/jock/twink categorization stuff exhausting and something that seems to exist purely for fetishistic purposes and as a way to strip people of nuance.
CaseyMMM
Find someone who likes it, there are plenty of us out around. All this feedback about “growing up” or labeling being a bad thing is such a snooze and so incredibly narrow minded. People get off on what that get off on and sometimes that is a label or a role, as long as its not hurting anyone, we should be able to explore that kind of thing in sex. If not in sex where else in life do you let your ID run wild. If his ego is so fragile that it would make him feel old (we mustn’t ever get old as gay men I guess?!?) then there are some other insecurities going on. Do what makes you feel good and anyone that is afraid to try something new in sex, at least once, isn’t open to exploring who they are. Your guy doesn’t have to like it, but giving it a try should be a no brainer for anyone who wants to make a sex partner feel good. What’s better than that?
Donston
Well, it’s not all about pleasing your partner. It’s also about what you’re comfortable with and what gives you contentment and fulfillment. And some guys just don’t want their bf constantly referring to them as “daddy”. It creeps them out, and I get that. You can’t force someone to be comfortable with something that they’re not comfortable with.
Center_Right
Let’s face it. Most fetishes are just laughable, predictable, and reads like mediocre porn. What’s even more absurd, however, is that people obsessed with their fetishes expect their partners to go along with it as if they were natural. When can these people realize that their dark and selfish fantasies are unwelcome and that they should keep their dirty secrets to themselves.
innocentgay
Try saying “Papi” instead; see if that works.
baggins435
Personally, if you call me “daddy” it’s a deal breaker. I have zero desire to be anyone’s daddy. This guy has deep seated issues and needs a therapist, not a “Daddy.”
john.k
I am over 70 and have a much, much younger boyfriend. I would not like him to call me Daddy. Happily he has no inclination to call me that.
Neoprene
Let’s think in Seinfeld terms. We need a rule. How about, you can only call the dude Daddy if he’s at least 20 years older than you. I realize this might be more problematic in the deep south so perhaps there can be an exception for those areas, say, 12 years older to reflect the culture. But this idea of someone who’s 30 calling a 40 year old Daddy. Nope, totally breaks the rule. Doesn’t matter his body type, hair status, attitude, “look”, etc. or the fact that the 30 year old is a twink who looks 18 and NEEDS a Daddy. It breaks the rule. Sorry.
GayTherapyCenter
Good sex needs good communication. That means we need to get better about talking about sex with our partners. It’s easier to talk about sex when we have our clothes on and we are having a relaxed, connected conversation. So I’d advise him to bring it up and start a conversation about what each of them likes best in bed, and the things they want to try in the future.
b2rocketfan
I’m confused. Why can’t he just ask the guy and gauge his response? Either the partner will like I, not like it, or consider it. Open conversation should be part of a relationship. It is with mine and we are 6.5 years together. Just talk.