Ex-Benedict: Queerty Picks The Next Pope


With the news that Pope Benedict XVI will no longer be holier than thou, the Roman Catholic Church is on the lookout for a new divine conduit. We at Queerty aren’t really the religious types (to put it mildly) but seeing that the Vatican sees fit to stick their noses into our gay affairs, we thought we’d return the favor. It’s time to play The Pope Is Right!

Check out Queerty’s choices for the 266th Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, HBIRCC.




Regnal Name: Poprah Winfrey

Clearly the most logical choice, Oprah is a religion unto herself and unlike Catholicism, everyone gets a free Priiiiiuuuusss every time they make the pilgrimage to O’s Mecca: Harpo Studios. But with the Lord and Savior cold-chillin’ right here on Earth, there’s really no need for some glorified middle man.




Jon Stewart

Regnal Name: Pope Leibowitz I

Popehood is technically reserved for a Catholic, but look how well that’s turned out. Meanwhile, the Jews have been going strong for millennia, so maybe it’s time to add a little religious diversity. And with Stewart, the Church can add a little levity as well, since those goys wouldn’t know funny if it rose from the dead and blessed them across the face.

Photo: Wikipedia




Regnal Name: Pope Sasha Fierce I

Bey’s been on a roll lately, and it’s only a matter of time before she spreads her angel wings, ascends to Heaven and takes her place at the right hand of God.  Until that joyous day comes, she’ll jut put the Pope’s ring on it.

Photo: Bey’s Tumblr


Andre Leon Talley

Regnal Name: Pope Fabulous I

Already a fan of luxurious robes and an elegant Louboutin loafer, the Vogue editor would add some much-needed style to the Vatican. First things first, get rid of that dreadful Popemobile. Even if it is a Mercedes, ALT will not be seen in what is essentially a snow globe on wheels.

Photo: America’s Next Top Model



Ellen Degeneres

Regnal Name: Pope Lesbianus I

Imagine for a second if an openly gay woman was chosen to be the Pope: crosses would burst into flame, it would start raining frogs and the rivers would run red with the blood of the innocent. Or, you know, nothing at all would happen and the world would be a better and more accepting place, where everyone was required to dance daily. Hell on earth!

Photo: Ellen Degeneres  Facebook Page



Mock Swearing In - 109th Congress - House

Todd Akin

Regnal Name: Pope Legitimate Rape I

In all likelihood, the Holy See will pluck someone who best embodies the “proud” tradition of papal predecessors. With the Republican party, the council of Cardinals has a veritable cornucopia of homophobic misogynists with no sense of reality. Since Akin lost his seat in the House of Representatives for being woefully out of touch, he has a lot of time on his hands that he could devote to being the the most out of touch person on the planet.


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  • Sebastian

    Electing a Pope is not a thing to make fun of.

  • Dakotahgeo

    @Sebastian: It is when the last 600 years have seen some real comedians wearing the red beanie!

  • Scribe38

    @Sebastian: When the church stops hurting gays, women and children we will stop making fun of the dude in the funny hat and long dress. B.t.w queerty poprah REALLY DID MAKE ME LOL. good stuff Lester

  • 2eo

    I’ve got 50p riding on Richard Dawkins at 666/1.

    Seriously, not a joke.

  • Sebastian

    @Dakotahgeo: It is 2000 thousand years of Pope’s since the 1st Pope Peter not 600 years

  • the other Greg

    Believe it or not, there was actually a Pope Hilarius (reigned 461-468).

    So most likely Ellen or Jon would choose the name Hilarius II, if Stephen Colbert didn’t get to it first.

  • timelord89

    Personally I just hope G-d pulls a divine intervention and puts Sister Simone Campbell or any of the other controversial heads of Catholic Sisterhoods the Vatican has been freaking out over. Seriously, the Vatican needs to stop freaking out over the fact that nuns have been finding it ridiculous to promote homophobia and anti-women matters, it’s the nuns who actually do all the work against social injustice rarely the priests or those in the Vatican. Hey I can dream right. It would be great, could you just imagine all the cardinals shitting their robes if a divine intervention was to occur. The new teaching of the Church is that G-d is beyond gender, so shouldn’t the pope. Hehehehehe I am an awful youth minister, but the new archbishop in my area is pissing on the project that I have been working on for the past 9 years.

  • 2eo

    @Sebastian: So the massive paedophilia and genocide goes back even further.

    Yeah, way to go.

  • Dakotahgeo

    @Sebastian: I know my church history… it has been 600 years since the last POOP, errr, Pope, resigned. And 2000 years of Poophood is about 3,000 years too long. !

  • hephaestion

    @Sebastian: Electing a Pope IS a joke. All Popes have been assholes except for Pope John Paul I, so naturally the Vatican murdered him within 2 months of his becoming Pope. He had the audacity to try to practice Christianity.

  • Burlington

    @hephaestion:Congratulations! You must have a fabulous memory to say all Popes are assholes. There has been an unbroken line of 266 popes from St. Peter ( Mathew 16: 17-19 ) to the current Benedict XVI and 30 anti-popes ( Man who claimed to be pope but were not validly elected )…and think you know in deep all their lives and the times that they live to do such statement!

Comments are closed.