THE PONTIFF RESTS

Ex-Benedict: Queerty Picks The Next Pope

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With the news that Pope Benedict XVI will no longer be holier than thou, the Roman Catholic Church is on the lookout for a new divine conduit. We at Queerty aren’t really the religious types (to put it mildly) but seeing that the Vatican sees fit to stick their noses into our gay affairs, we thought we’d return the favor. It’s time to play The Pope Is Right!

Check out Queerty’s choices for the 266th Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, HBIRCC.

 

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Oprah

Regnal Name: Poprah Winfrey

Clearly the most logical choice, Oprah is a religion unto herself and unlike Catholicism, everyone gets a free Priiiiiuuuusss every time they make the pilgrimage to O’s Mecca: Harpo Studios. But with the Lord and Savior cold-chillin’ right here on Earth, there’s really no need for some glorified middle man.

Photo: Oprah.com

 

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Jon Stewart

Regnal Name: Pope Leibowitz I

Popehood is technically reserved for a Catholic, but look how well that’s turned out. Meanwhile, the Jews have been going strong for millennia, so maybe it’s time to add a little religious diversity. And with Stewart, the Church can add a little levity as well, since those goys wouldn’t know funny if it rose from the dead and blessed them across the face.

Photo: Wikipedia

 

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Beyoncé

Regnal Name: Pope Sasha Fierce I

Bey’s been on a roll lately, and it’s only a matter of time before she spreads her angel wings, ascends to Heaven and takes her place at the right hand of God.  Until that joyous day comes, she’ll jut put the Pope’s ring on it.

Photo: Bey’s Tumblr

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Andre Leon Talley

Regnal Name: Pope Fabulous I

Already a fan of luxurious robes and an elegant Louboutin loafer, the Vogue editor would add some much-needed style to the Vatican. First things first, get rid of that dreadful Popemobile. Even if it is a Mercedes, ALT will not be seen in what is essentially a snow globe on wheels.

Photo: America’s Next Top Model

 

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Ellen Degeneres

Regnal Name: Pope Lesbianus I

Imagine for a second if an openly gay woman was chosen to be the Pope: crosses would burst into flame, it would start raining frogs and the rivers would run red with the blood of the innocent. Or, you know, nothing at all would happen and the world would be a better and more accepting place, where everyone was required to dance daily. Hell on earth!

Photo: Ellen Degeneres  Facebook Page

 

 

Mock Swearing In - 109th Congress - House

Todd Akin

Regnal Name: Pope Legitimate Rape I

In all likelihood, the Holy See will pluck someone who best embodies the “proud” tradition of papal predecessors. With the Republican party, the council of Cardinals has a veritable cornucopia of homophobic misogynists with no sense of reality. Since Akin lost his seat in the House of Representatives for being woefully out of touch, he has a lot of time on his hands that he could devote to being the the most out of touch person on the planet.

Photo: Biography.com