3680550659_35434357c0_zIn its heart, the GOP establishment knows that it needs to change its views on LGBT issues, and young Republicans really know that the party has to change its views. At this point, silence would be a step forward. A few Republicans, mostly governors who see marriage equality as inevitable, have taken that route.

But does the rest of the party follow their example? Nooooo. What we get instead is an endless series of moronic outbursts by Republicans intent on proving the party can be as homophobic as ever. Here are five recent nutty statements that prove that the party would make a quantum leap forward if it could just keep its collective trap shut.

1. There are no gays in heaven. Rep. Steve King, who has already warned America that gay marriage breeds socialism, has applied his massive intellect to matters theological and come to the conclusion that there are no gay people in heaven. King, who thinks he has a more direct line to God than the pope, was asked by an Iowa paper for his view on the Vatican synod that flirted with the idea that gay people might actually be human. King, of course, disagrees.

“I think that I’ll not comment on that part,” King told the Jefferson Herald. “I’ll just say that what was a sin 2,000 years ago is a sin today, and people that were condemned to hell 2,000 years ago, I don’t expect to meet them should I make it to heaven. So let’s stick with that principle.”

Good thing that King made his entrance into heaven conditional. We wouldn’t want to take bets on it.

2. Same-sex massages worked in ancient Greece, but not in today’s military. Rep. Louis Gohmert, another of the supernovas in today’s GOP, is still arguing for the return of the ban on gays in the military by resorting to an interpretation of history that would embarrass most middle-schoolers.

“I’ve had people say, ‘Hey, you know, there’s nothing wrong with gays in the military. Look at the Greeks,'” Gohmert said during a radio interview. “Well, you know, they did have people come along who they loved that was the same sex and would give them massages before they went into battle. But you know what, it’s a different kind of fighting, it’s a different kind of war and if you’re sitting around getting massages all day ready to go into a big, planned battle, then you’re not going to last very long.”

We could argue that last point.

Gohmert did acknowledge that “people have said, ‘Louie, you have got to understand, you don’t even know your history.’ Oh, yes, I do.”

Oh, no, you don’t.

3. The South should secede from the Union and establish a gay-free republic. Douglas MacKinnon, an advisor to President Reagan in the ’80s (the 1980s, just to be clear), thinks the proper response to the spread of marriage equality is for Southern states to split from the Union and form a “traditional values country.” As a reminder, this didn’t go so well for the South the last time they tried it, although MacKinnon believes that the Confederate states left the Union “legally,” and it was just that nasty old Abraham Lincoln who made everything so difficult.

“If you happen to make a donation in favor of traditional marriage, you can lose your job,” MacKinnon said during a radio interview. “If you happen to refuse to bake a cake for a gay couple because it goes against your religious beliefs, you can be driven out of business. If you’re a football commentator and you happen to just say, innocently, that you know maybe I wouldn’t have drafted a gay football player because I wouldn’t want to deal with the distraction, many people on the left will try to drive you out of your job as well.”

MacKinnon, who has written a book promoting this very idea (for want of a better word), has the perfect name for the new country: “Reagan.”

Memo to MacKinnon: your country’s namesake wasn’t quite the paragon of homophobia that you think he was, so apparently he wouldn’t rate citizenship in the nation named after him.

4. We’re gremlins. South Carolina GOP nominee Ron Culler believes God asked him to run for Congress. God also apparently asked him to prove his idiocy by making nonsensical comparisons between gays and Gremlins. In a Facebook post that is a triumph of twisted syntax, Culler went for the most obscure argument against marriage equality ever.

“Do not buy the ‘cuteness’ and ‘What will it hurt?’ arguments whispered in your ears and marketed to our children,” he scribed. “Same-sex couples that seek to destroy our way of life and the institution of marriage are NOT cute and cuddly but rather (for those of you that are old enough to remember the movie), Gremlins that will only destroy our way of life.”

The kindest interpretation of Culler’s remarks is that he has a Zach Galligan crush.

5. The answer to the gay agenda is to flee Michigan. Jordan Haskins is a 24-year-old Republican running for an open seat in the state House of Representatives. He is so adamantly opposed to all things gay that he thinks homophobes should leave the state in protest.

“If the state wants to trample religious freedom, we go somewhere else where our values are welcome,” Haskins wrote on Facebook. “Michigan loses tax money, economic performance, jobs, etc. if they choose to be entrenched with the homosexual agenda, it’s time for conservative christians (sic) to vote with their feet and their dollars.”

Two problems with that idea: where would they go? And if they did go, who would vote for Haskins? (Okay, maybe that last one isn’t such a problem.)

Haskins is a unique candidate, even by today’s GOP standards. He has a felony conviction for breaking into cars at the Saginaw County Mosquito Control for purposes of sexual satisfaction.

“Jordan would remove the spark plug wires and sit in the car and masturbate while the motor was sparking and making noises,” according to a police report.

The kid has a bright future ahead of him in today’s GOP.

Photo credit: t0msk

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