The internationally popular BDSM-inspired 50 Shades of Grey has been spanked off the page and is now in theaters. It got us wondering how the story might have been different if it took place in a gay setting.
You know, things like:
1. Less psychoanalysis
In 50 Shades, Christian Grey’s penchant for being a total dom is chalked up to an abusive childhood. Once he has Ana, he eventually realizes he doesn’t need that dynamic to satisfy him any longer. Makes for a good story, sure. But in the gay world, even kinky sex isn’t always so serious. Sure, we’ve got daddy issues just like anyone else, but sometimes sex is just sex. We tend to not get so heady about it.
2. More harness
Christian uses neck ties, which is hot if you’re into that 9 to 5 kind of fantasy. But let’s face it, in the gay version, it’d be leather everything, and lots of harnesses. Here are a few we were inspired by:
3. Less orgasm
Ana experiences the undulating ecstasy of the multiple orgasm at Christian’s experienced touch. It’s enough to titilate anyone. Unfortunately, the male multiple orgasm is a much more elusive beast to tame. We aren’t saying it can’t happen — nothing’s impossible — but speaking from…ahem…personal experience, we think all can agree it’s much less likely.
4. More intense toys
50 Shades is just the right amount of scandal to keep things interesting while still appealing to as wide an audience as possible. It’s no secret some gay men (as well as straight men, women and everyone in between) like to take things to extremes. And that includes hardware. Handcuffs, feather ticklers and riding crops are all fine and dandy, but how about this full-face slave hood?
And we’re pretty sure Ana was never corralled into a “puppy cage” like this one:
5. Less spontaneity
Sorry to burst the fantasy, but gay sex requires a certain degree of foresight to avoid creating an unwanted mess. That means preparation, and preparation can kill spontaneity. Ana never has to say “Can you give me, like, 15 minutes before we start, Christian?”