It’s a question many get asked at one point or another, usually by people who can’t see past gender norms: “Which one of you is the man, and which one of you is the woman?” But how should one respond?
On Reddit, commenters had tons of ideas. “Say neither and then ask them equally intrusive questions about their relationship,” said one. Another provided an example that kind of script-flipping: “How many times does she fake her orgasms with you?”
Related: Redditors sound off on ‘gay voice’ and whether they code-switch
One Reddit user, meanwhile, pointed out the inherent fallacy of the question. “We’re both men,” he wrote. “That’s kinda the point.”
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And a teacher has his students ponder why they’re asking: “I tell my students this when they ask me: ‘You are asking me one of two things right now: you’re asking who does more traditional housework stuff and who works, and the answer is we both do because we’re both adults. Or you’re asking about what goes on in my bedroom which is highly inappropriate and you’re not getting an answer.’ That usually shuts them up quickly.”
A different commenter said he gets both that question as well as another chestnut — “Who’s the top and who’s the bottom?” — and others could relate. “Yeah, the number of times I’ve been asked this, even by people I’ve just met, is insane,” one user added. “I’d never dream of asking a straight couple I’ve just met whether they enjoy either missionary or reverse cowgirl, or whether they perform oral. I don’t get why people think it’s an acceptable thing to ask.”
Related: What’s the “normal dating timeline”? Gay dudes say…
Worrisomely, one Redditor said these questions come from people who, frankly, should know better. “It’s sad ‘cause I even know gay dudes that ask this sh*t,” he wrote.
Amid all the replies, however, we think we have a favorite: “Never been asked, but if I was, I would look them dead serious in the eyes and say, We are both the women…’”
36glebe
“Never been asked, but if I was, I would look them dead serious in the eyes and say, We are both the women…’”
Ha ha – wouldn’t that fcuk with their minds. 2 guys being the women in the relationship – and then say “because we’re lesbians, what do you expect us to be”?
JK 1984
Last guy who asked me this, at first I said “neither, we are both dudes”. When that wasn’t enough for his curiosity I said both of us do the “masculine or feminine” jobs around the house.
After he said that still want what he meant and he wondered how it worked in the bedroom I got mad and asked him “Do you like sticking it in your wife’s a$$? Or do you let her peg you?” (I had to explain pegging to him).
When he said my questions were inappropriate, I turned that around and told him they were, as it is non be of my business, just like what me and my partner do is none of his.
He never asked again after that.
Doug
Love this! I think the most offensive aspect of this question is that it implies that we’re trying to emulate heterosexuals, as, once again, they see themselves as the role models to the gay community.
Celtic
Such questions are asinine and portray the utter stupidity and ignorance of the person asking the question. Their curiosity is emboldened by their assholery.
JMD41
I would take the low road with a generic response on this and simply look the perp(s) right in the eye and say “why are you asking me this question?” Works wonders in all situations and should not be perceived as either hostile or combative in the combative and hostile world in which we now live.
winemaker
Wow, those who ask such a question are rude, nosy boors with too damned much time on their hands, plain and simple. Really such a personal question really doesn’t deserve an answer much less thought, ignore it. My mother used to say this when asked a very personal question: ” I’ll ignore your question if you’ll ignore my answer”, then silence. if the questioner doesn’t ‘get it’ they’re clueless and not worth your time. Move on.
baggins435
A woman at work asked me, in front of our supervisor and 4 others, if I was into getting anal. After I told her no, she proceeded to wax rhapsodic on how great it was. She was also known to discuss the merits of plug in versus battery powered vibrators. And she was the mom who bought her 15 and 16 year old boys condoms, which is generally great, except she didn’t give a rat’s a55 if they were having sex, she just didn’t want to be a grandmother.
SoggyDuck
Actually, we’ve evolved beyond that
JJinAus
I would have a sense of humour failure and make a biting reply.
Mattster
Smartass answer #1, courtesy of David Sedaris: “There ISN’T a woman, that’s what makes it HOMO-sexual”.
Smartass answer #2, courtesy of a long-forgotten webcomic: “Who is the woman? What a terribly outdated and stereotypical view of homosexuality. I want YOU to be the woman.”
flippers
“Which chopstick is the fork?”
Man About Town
I like #2, another version of which would be “So far, no one; care to apply?”
Cam
Response from the L the G and sometimes the B of LGBT
You know, I’ve always been curious about straight people, which one of you is the woman (or man) and which one of you is the other woman (or man)?
For the T, if they even ask they are so ignorant of trans issues I doubt they’d even understand they were being mocked if you responded.
Bytemenow
When I’m asked that stupid question, I just say, “We’re both the man, or else we’ve gotten this whole homosexuality thing wrong.”
I’ve also turned the table and asked the person the same question regarding their straight relationship. They don’t like that.
JocelynMarieEsq
My girlfriend and I usually point out that we are both the women, that’s the point. However, I usually chuckle a bit loudly when they comment about my children being biologically hers and are surprised to learn that although we are both their parents, they are biologically mine with my ex-wife. That really steams their noodle.
strap2900
I get it, some poorly educated people just don’t understand. Just say that is not how it is please do some research.