This just in: Polyamory and open relationships may be on the outs. And monogamy may be making a comeback.
A new study by researchers Lanz Lowen and Blake Spears has found some surprising new relationship trends, especially among gay men ages 18-39.
In addition to being colleagues, Lowen and Spears have been a couple for over 40 years.
âWe had been in a non-monogamous relationship for 36 years and were curious about the experience of others,â the pair says. âThere wasnât any roadmap and we assumed long-term couples might offer valuable perspectives and hard-earned lessons.â
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Related:Â Are Millennials Leading Monogamy On A Slow March Towards Death?
For their latest study, they wanted to find out how younger gay men viewed monogamy, non-monogamy and marriage.
The recruited a range of men, both single and in relationships. 42% of the respondents were single, the other 58% were in relationships.
Of the men who were in relatuonships, 632 identified as monogamous, 152 identified as âmonogamishâ, and 48 identified as non-monogamous.
The Good Men Project reports:
One of the big surprises: Ninety percent of the responding singles stated they were seeking monogamous relationships, and 92 percent of them expect to marry. Also, half of the men identified as being in long-term monogamous relationships, while other previous research that up to two-thirds of couples who have been together for five years or more are non-monogamous.
In other words: More guys are either identifying as being in monogamous relationships or wanting to be in monogamous relationships than before.
In fact, monogamy was equated with marriage by 58% of all respondents, while only 31% viewed non-monogamy as an option for a married couple, with 11% being unsure. In other words, the majority of interviewed younger men in monogamous relationships considered monogamy to be the norm.
That attitude seemed to extreme across most age groups as well. 89% of singles 25 and under said they were seeking monogamous relationships. For singles 26-30, 93% said they wanted monogamous relationships. And among those aged 31-40, 92% were said they sought monogamous relationships.
Older respondents, however, reported being more open to non-monogamy.
When it came to the overall health of their relationships, both monogamous and non-monogamous couples said they viewed their relationships as healthy and stable (98% and 92%), satisfying (98% and 91%), and likely to continue for the next five years (98% and 86%).
Related:Â 30 Percent Of Queerty Readers Believe Marriage Is Not About Monogamy
Â
KaiserVonScheiss
Firstly, monogamy is just the way to be.
Second, people who are 18 or close to it are not “millennials,” but are Gen Z. Gen Z are reportedly more conservative than their predecessors. *smiles*
What percentage of these people are close to eighteen? I question how many millennials were polyamorous to begin with. For many who were, I imagine it was just a trend or a phase of youthful rebellion.
[comment is archived]
Heywood Jablowme
“Firstly, monogamy is just the way to be.”
Kaiser believes in the Ptolemaic theory of the solar system because “it just makes sense.”
“Gen Z are reportedly more conservative than their predecessors. *smiles*”
Except for wanting to get rid of the Second Amendment? Regarding socialism as worth another try? etc. – lol
KaiserVonScheiss
Hardly
Those are just lies from the mainstream media who blow things out of proportion.
lcandela123
You need to back up your surprising statement that “Monogamy is just the way to be”.
How so? Based on our biology and evolutionary psychology, that is categorically NOT the case.
So, are you merely speaking from a religious or (sic) ethical perspective?
Heywood Jablowme
It’s funny how all the defenders of monogamy here on Queerty voted for that slutty dirtbag Trump!
KaiserVonScheiss
@Icandela
Well I was trying to post links, one to the Economist, but Queerty wouldn’t let me.
thisisnotreal
Did I just have a stroke? Did I enter some alternate dimension or something? I could have sworn that within the last few months queerty has posted articles about how open relationships are on the rise and how people should stop being shamed for desiring them and that they are supposedly the current generations answer to attain happier and healthier relationships. now suddenly weâve entered a time warp where queerty is back to posting articles about monogamy. Is it possible for an entire news website to be collectively bipolar?
PinkoOfTheGange
No Graham is posting….
sfhairy
Hahaha, I call bullshit on this article. The writer’s weird fantasy reality he’s trying to create.
Heywood Jablowme
The young guys are probably just defining “monogamy” in some weird non-dictionary way, like how oral sex is not really “sex” and that kid who Queerty told us about who thought “chastity” means not getting anally f*cked for 6 whole months while he continued to have oral sex.
troyfight
^Heywood Jablowme…one of the best screen names…roared laughing at your response!!
Heywood Jablowme
@troyfight: THANK YOU! You made my day.
Btw, I think it was “celibacy” not chastity – the guy actually thought he was being “celibate” by not getting f*cked for 6 months while continuing the hand jobs and bl0w jobs with random Grindr hookups. Well, I’m sure we are all proud of him. That’s such an accomplishment when you’re, like, 24!
troyfight
^Heywood Jablowme….glad you liked – was true – haha. what you said I think is bigtime a piece of the pie that no one wants to talk about – the “down low” activities of the gay HORNINESS…guys might fvck around, but basically consider it not much more than a massage…methinks they think….
Kevan1
By the the way, you really show your ignorance making the comment the monogamous people are all Trump voters or supporters.
Kevan1
Dude speak for yourself. My partner have been together 18 years. We met ages 32 and 47. Monogamy has worked for us. Meaning no BJâs , kisses or sex of any kind with others. Maybe you never grew up or found the right person,or maybe have some personal issue you want to believe everyone else lives by.
I agree some people cannot er monogamous. Maybe they do not want to be, have played the game so long that they cannot believe they can trust another person to be loyal to them. Maybe they cannot be loyal or who knows what else. Monogamy works for those willing to work on it and not run as soon as things get tough.
One night stands start to feel empty after awhile. Sex addiction could also be a problem for some. Being monogamous is knowing that you and your partner have something special that is not shared with any other person. Sometimes it does not workout, but you should respect yourself and the one you are with enough not to go outside your commitment to one another. You should respect each other and yourself enough to say if it is not working out after really working at it, to split up and respect one another not to screw around behind one or the others back. Have enough respect to not bring back or risk bringing back a disease to someone you are supposed to care about. Maybe if you cannot do that then maybe you need to work on yourself to find out why. Maybe a person needs to learn to love and respect their own selves before making a commitment to monogamy. You have to love and respect your own person before you can do the the same for any other person, as cliche as that may sound.
sfhairy
poor Kevan, I’ve known people like you and your husband. Unfortunately, 1 or both have sidestepped the “monogamy” boundaries and done something outside the union. My ex, when we were together, met a friend of mine and told me that they had sex a few weeks before we met. Not shocking except for the fact that he and his husband were in a “monogamous” relationship.
CastleSF
@sfhairy, if your ex knowingly had sex with this man who was in a monogamous married relationship with his husband at the time, then your ex is an interloper who has lost his moral compass and felt no remorse about ruining other people’s relationship. I will not accept some with such shady character as my partner or boyfriend because he probably would do the same thing to you.
Kangol
Gay, bi and trans people should create the relationships that work for us. For some that’s strict sexual monogamy, for some it’s a more flexible but mostly sexually monogamous relationship, for some it’s more open and negotiable, and for others it’s fully negotiable. The longer you’re in a healthy relationship, the longer you realize this. No one model works for everyone, and it certainly doesn’t work for straight people, especially the more fanatical kinds. If LGBTQ couples/triples etc. have kids, then they may want to think about how to proceed in order to ensure their children have the best life possible. But we shouldn’t be beholden to anyone else’s ideas about how we live our lives with our consenting adult partners/spouses/loved ones.
frankcar1965
Thank you for saying it. Why should we conform to the supposed “straight” model like they really are something to emulate, they screw around like dogs.
And to the sanctimonious Kevan1 above, you must be the most naive person in the world if you think you are in a monogamous relationship. I have screwed some guys whose significant other THOUGHT they were in a monogamous relationship. You really don’t know at all what the other one is doing when you’re not there. They could be with me, if I don’t do them someone else will.
lcandela123
Agreed. Just more silly Graham baloney.
Heywood Jablowme
Graham wants monogamy with a straight guy. Well, at least for a month or so until he can seduce another straight guy! They are so easy to seduce, you know, and there are so many of them.
Frank
CALLED IT…
ChrisK
You’ve totally got Grahams M.O.. Lmao.
underboy
monogamy with “real” white MEN with no tattoos is the queerty commenters dream!
sad. they learn better when they mature that monogamy does not work for most.
Heywood Jablowme
Come on. There are white gay men under the age of 30 with NO tattoos? That’s ridiculous. I can believe in leprechauns and unicorns and Sasquatch, and Hillary Clinton running a child porn business out of the basement of a pizza restaurant, but some things are just too hard to believe.
Juanjo
Heywood nailed that solid. I have a number of clients who are in their early 20s to early 30s. More tattoos than a Navy reunion for the Tin Can Sailors Association. Not to mention they fuck like rabbits or like gay men back in the late 1960s and early 1970s. Even the ones in “monogamous” relationships routinely inform me how they went out dancing and picked up a third for a night of fun. It is all quite casual for them. No issue in telling about it. Quite different from when I was their age back when. These guys take photos and videos of everything and have no issue with showing you “the cute one” they nailed. Damn, to be young again.
enlightenone
Actually, sexual and emotional maturity is required for monogamy to “work!” MOST people, couples, same-sex attracted males are NOT mature when they enter/choose to have a monogamous relationship.
Frank
Monogamy has ALWAYS existed in the gay community…however, the outward expression of it has been hidden away because the greater society deemed it so…there were no weddings, there were no living together (discrimination in housing which still exist), no talk of commitment because defining what it meant to be gay was first and foremost in the past SEX based.
There are many men who are not going back into the dark, whether they be young, old, rich, poor, black, white, rural or urban.
However there are many gay men who actively strive and seek out the “dark encounters” because it has been ingrained in the culture when we lived in the shadows and many gay men are not used to self-expression in the light
This is a product of the shame that we have been taught it means to be gay…our sex is dirty…our lives are dirty…our love is dirty…we have collectively spent more time in the shadows and denying who we are because a greater world both near and far told us WE were NOT worthy of life and horrible things were done to prove us right…
nil44
What point are you trying to make? Regardless of oneâs thoughts on monogamy or non-monogamy, the political support for same-sex marriage and cultural portrayal of gay people is basically a sanitized, limited form of halfhearted endorsement of a *certain kind* of gay person/relationship that is least offensive/threatening/revolting to ânormalâ (white, hetero, middle class, politically moderate) folk, thus creating divisions between gay people themselves, shaming those who donât conform even worse than before. Not saying this this is per se bad, just how it is. Also not trying to advance some kind of nefarious hedonistic agenda here, but that doesnât mean Iâm going to buy into some mythical narrative of progress that paradoxically ends up perpetuating âtraditionalâ sexual mores either.
CastleSF
@nil44. I find it hard to understand why you and so many other gays love to carry this gay victim mentality as you live your life. People like you get into the habit of imagining that you are being shamed for your nonconforming views or lifestyles. it’s too bad that shaming have become such a dirty word in this pc world. Every heart-felt criticism and every good-intention objection are now re-branded as shaming. The real irony is that your sort still delusionally believe that you are the most progressive and tolerant – as long as “we agree with you”.
nil44
@CastleSF – your claims are both incredibly presumptuous and directly contradicted by what I actually said in my response, namely, that I wasnât making any normative moral claims or promoting any agenda. I have no âvictim mentalityâ nor do I see myself as sexually ânon-conformingâ at least in the relevant sense here, and thus not âshamedâ either. I donât expect or frankly care who does or doesnât agree with me. I also never said that I was âprogressiveâ or âtolerantâ (i believe I actually explicitly rejected what I called the âmythical narrative of progressâ – the primary reason being, in case you were wondering – again, Iâm not really too concerned whether or not you agree – that I see the materialist worldview of both the scientific and economic variety, that is, the exclusive preoccupation with the study/accumulation of matter as the only thing of anything value, as both culturally and physically destructive, and insofar as both capitalism and Marxism are based on such presupposition, differing mainly in terms of how said matter should be distributed, to whom, and why, are two sides of the same coin, as is any political orientation on the spectrum between them; hence, I also reject so-called identity politics, extended to, see above, include political affiliations, which are likewise grounded in identifying with this or that aspect of material reality). So the extent to which Iâd call myself âtolerantâ is the extent to which I call BS on the entire resting metaphysical belief system that our politics is downstream from. Though, thatâs a perspective thatâs universally applicable, certainly not one born out of any particular personal hang up regarding this or that cultural standard as applied to this or that social group.
Brian
While I’m sure there are a smattering of genuinely monogamous gay couples out there, in my experience, every time I’ve met a gay couple who claimed to be monogamous, it was pretty much guaranteed that by the end of the evening either one or both of them would do something quite inappropriate with their hands or mouth, either to me, or someone else. I don’t what percentage of them are lying about their monogamy, but my guess is that it’s pretty high.
Of course, that’s true in the straight world too. Only there, it’s a lot of couples where one half thinks that they are actually monogamous, and the other half is fucking someone else, or multiple someones. If there were a way to see how many genuinely monogamous couples there are in our country, I think people would be shocked at how low the percentage actually is.
CastleSF
Nil44, your reply laden with the academic terms like Maxism and capitalism is quite boring and off putting, if I am being honest. How you can manage to make yourself so much more disagreeable is just beyond me.
Kevan1
Amen!
Kevan1
I meant Amen to Frank’s comment.
nil44
@castleSF canât say Iâm surprised by the lack of interest in intellectual matters (of course, unlike the presumptions you made about me, I didnât assume it to be the case until you brought it up) – though I will admit to being shocked that the level of disengagement is so intense that even a term like âcapitalismâ is considered academic jargon.
ChrisK
Stop this Graham. You’re going to give Danny595/CastleSF a heart attack with all these monogamy is great stories.
Heywood Jablowme
@ChrisK: Notice how the story right next to this one is, “We need to stop slut-shaming each other for putting out too soon” … hmmm.
CastleSF
Chris, stop your relentless efforts to paint us as one-dimensional. We are more complicated and nuanced than you can ever imagine. I gave Heywood a surprise nod to his indulgent behaviors a while back when he admitted sleeping with cheaters. Yes I am on the straight and narrow but I am not heartless.
Heywood Jablowme
@CastleSF: Uh, thanks, I guess. But they weren’t “cheaters” – not that I knew of, anyway. In fact I really dislike situations like that. Not just for ethical reasons (that too), but mostly because the boyfriend tends to get physically violent with the NEW guy, not with their cheating boyfriend. I’m not sure why that’s the automatic, irrational reaction. (Maybe they get violent later with the cheating boyfriend, I don’t know!) I always try to make sure the guy is REALLY single. They might lie, I guess, but if there’s a certain kind of evasiveness, that’s a clue.
Of course, the best way to avoid situations like that is to have sex with both of them. lol
frankcar1965
CastleSF is a Queerty shill to stir the pot and make people click more on their stories. He’s not a real person so ignore him.
jjose712
For some people monogamy works, for other is polyamory or open relationships. It’s just a question of knowing what you want and find a compatible partner who wants the same
potstirrer
Honestly, and I will get some hate and grief for this, individuals who are in polyamorous or open relationships are selfish and greedy. They may start off monogamous with their partner, have a great sex/domestic life, then the passion and interest dies down, but they may have financial arrangements/needs etc that makes it difficult to break away, so they stay âtogetherâ to keep enjoying the lifestyle or convenient circumstances that they have become accustomed to, but they also step out to have casual sex with others in order to pacify their voracious sexual appetite.
Have cake, will eat it as well.
ChrisK
Eat that cake up! You only live once.
lcandela123
The marital pattern you describe is very common, for straights and gays. However, to me it sounds like quite a sensible approach to the problem to open up one’s relationship when the sexual passion dies. No need to break up marriages or families, and there are plenty of great guys out there to have a good time with, without a lot of pointless hang-ups.
By calling it “selfish and greedy” I think you are stuck thinking of sexual relationships in a rigid, moralistic way. Frankly, we all should be selfish with regard to our sex lives. Or, would you prefer staying chaste in a sexless relationship because you somehow deem that virtuous.
So, if a loving couple decides to open their relationship up, in order to save it, I say, “Great!”. And if someone has a voracious sexual appetite, lucky them.
frankcar1965
You know what they say about opinions…. Besides, I slept with your boyfriend and I can see why you are so bitter…
Raymundo
I don’t even know anyone in real life who aren’t old who aren’t monogamous. Monogamous is really only a face as people have been having mistresses since there has been marriage. Chances are stats on it are just now being recorded. But for all these open couples there are monogamous ones.
Brian
Blah. This is not real science. It is merely a self-reported hope, bundled with other self-reported hopes, into a self-promoted book. This is marketing.
inbama
It depends on where you live, its culture and the friends you have.
I spent my youth in NYC where “open” but serious relationships rand their 2 to 4 year course. After losing precious friends to the AIDS crisis, my current lover and I changed our “open” relationship to monogamous, and moved to a suburb where we made straight coupled friends. That was 27 years ago. We’ve since retired to a southern city in a gay neighborhood filled with monogamous and monogamish married couples of all ages seriously into their picket fences. They joke that the singles demographic is so tight, that if you split up, you have to move to Atlanta for 6 months to find somebody new and then move back.
Sadly, as a southern city, there are also a serious number of bi or gay men married to women. They are mostly boomers, old money, and some of the swishiest people in town.
Whatever, if you live where friends support rather than undermine your relationship, it has a better chance at succeeding.
Kevan1
Dude speak for yourself. My partner have been together 18 years. We met ages 32 and 47. Monogamy has worked for us. Meaning no BJ’s , kisses or sex of any kind with others. Maybe you never grew up or found the right person,or maybe have some personal issue you want to believe everyone else lives by.
I agree some people cannot er monogamous. Maybe they do not want to be, have played the game so long that they cannot believe they can trust another person to be loyal to them. Maybe they cannot be loyal or who knows what else. Monogamy works for those willing to work on it and not run as soon as things get tough.
One night stands start to feel empty after awhile. Sex addiction could also be a problem for some. Being monogamous is knowing that you and your partner have something special that is not shared with any other person. Sometimes it does not workout, but you should respect yourself and the one you are with enough not to go outside your commitment to one another. You should respect each other and yourself enough to say if it is not working out after really working at it, to split up and respect one another not to screw around behind one or the others back. Have enough respect to not bring back or risk bringing back a disease to someone you are supposed to care about. Maybe if you cannot do that then maybe you need to work on yourself to find out why. Maybe a person needs to learn to love and respect their own selves before making a commitment to monogamy. You have to love and respect your own person before you can do the the same for any other person, as cliche as that may sound.
Kieru
I loathe this discussion. It always seems to devolve into a minority of people on either side speaking about the superiority of their relationship type as though they were a Vegan reminding you for the 8th time today why a vegan lifestyle is superior.
Monogamy was never dead.
Open relationships aren’t going away.
Different relationships work for different couples. All that really matters is that you are open and honest with your partner in discussing what you want your relationship to be.
It really is that simple.
ChrisK
The one thing I’m noticing is that monogomy seems to be very easy for those middle aged and over couples. Yeah, when your sex drive shrivels up to next to nothing monogamy comes easy peasy. You’re not doing something righteous either way. Just mother nature taking her course.
However, this story isn’t really about you anyways.
Kieru
Your sentiment is literally what I just described as ‘the Vegan’. It’s commendable that you were able to insert so many thinly-veiled insults into such a short post so let’s just take a moment and dissect that. In your mind monogamous couples are:
– Old
– Have no sex drive
– Consider their monogamy a sign of righteous superiority over others
Meanwhile this article is describing millennials (who range from ages 18 – 35 give or take a few years based on what your cut-offs are). Basically the antithesis to who you’re describing as finding monogamy easy.
ChrisK
Ha. The comment actually wasn’t directed at you. I hit the wrong reply is all. Unfortunately mistakes aren’t able to be corrected with the antiquated Queerty commenting system as you know.
Heywood Jablowme
Ha. Well, ChrisK, I remember you recently turned 50 (right?) so it might have helped Kieru if you had mentioned that fact, so he’d know that you know what you’re talking about. đ True, monogamy does get easier as you get older.
As for young guys practicing “monogamy” they are more likely just redefining the term in some non-dictionary way (as I wrote earlier in this thread). If everybody were to start referring to a lake as an “ocean,” eventually it becomes an ocean, I guess.
DCguy
This article seems to start with a false premise.
It plays the game of saying something and pretending that’s the way it is. So the articles premise is that Monogomy is uncommon right now, and yet younger people are “Resurrecting” this old idea.
According to the article itself only around 30% of the respondents thought not being monogamous was an option and yet, again, the article was written as if monogamy was non-existent and was some weird old thing being brought back.
lauraspencer
Millennials span age 25 – 36. This study is also capturing younger Gen Xers born 1979 – 1981 and Gen Z born in the late 90s. I guess for those over 40 it doesn’t matter what they think? Even though there are more out gays over 40 than under.
GayEGO
My lifetime partner of 56 years, married almost 14 years, have a monogamous relationship, not perfect, and are both retired and living the American dream. All in all, relationships between two people vary in all genders. One point I would like to make is that men do not worry as much as women because we do not get pregnant so men may cheat a little more.
CastleSF
This is one of the most absurd things I’ve ever heard about why men cheat more frequently. However, since you have an impeccable monogamous relationship with your lifetime partner, I will gladly give you a pass đ
Cylest Brooks
Yeah, that’s an interesting theory about why men *might* cheat more than women. GayEGO, if you have links to studies or polls that back that up, I’d love to see them. Legitimately. If there is a strong correlation, I wonder how it changes between MSM and MSW. Men who have sex with women *should* still be worried about pregnancy.
frankcar1965
You just think you are monogamous, are you really? Is one of you going out and screwing around? I wish I had a dollar for all the people I know who are in “monogamous” relationships, each one THINKS the other one is not screwing around when both actually are. It’s just a little game they play.
radiooutmike
I’ll tell ya. I’m 50 and came out a few years ago> before that I was with my wife for 23 years.
Do what makes you feel happy. Monogamy/monogamish/poly/open relationships are all good; as long as all parties agree to whatever rules and boundaries with their partner(s).
I like monogamy. There is nothing in this world better than being in love with someone who knows you so well and so better than you do. The shared history and everything. Great stuff. I am also finding that I like non-monogamy and I like sleeping around because that’s the only I will learn what I like.
Cylest Brooks
I agree with that, and I think what stands out to me most about your comments is that you say you’re just now finding out that you like non-monogamy. It speaks to the idea that some of the pieces of our sexuality aren’t static… things change, grow, evolve, or come to light as we grow older.
frankcar1965
Cylest honey, why is a moderator commenting? Should you not just MODERATE and not comment? Tell the truth, you are really just a Queerty shill aren’t you?