There has been a lot written about monogamy in recent years. While some outlying studies have found it on the rise among younger couples, most people seem to agree that it’s a dying trend in relationships. Zachary Zane is among these people.
“During my exploratory college years, I was often confused about my sexuality,” he writes in a new op-ed titled What if we thought of monogamy as a spectrum? “I knew I had loved women, but found myself, drunkenly, in the arms of various men. I wasn’t sure why I was doing it. Was I in denial of being gay? Was I simply an open-minded straight guy? Or was I just a drunk and horny hot mess?”
It took a few years, but Zane eventually figured out that he was bisexual.
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“I didn’t embrace the label until a year after graduating,” he says. “That’s when I learned that I didn’t have to like men and women equally to be bisexual. I learned that sexuality was a spectrum, and my point on the spectrum wasn’t fixed.My attractions to various genders could evolve.”
This got him thinking: If sexuality can be on a spectrum, why not other things as well? Like, say, monogamy.
As he did more research, Zane realized he hardly the first person to think about this. He found a recent YouGov survey published earlier this fall that found just 51 percent of people under the age of 30 said that their ideal relationship would be “completely monogamous,” compared to 58 percent of people ages 30 to 44, 63 percent ages 45 to 64, and 70 percent ages 65 and older.
Related: Are Young Gay Men Relying Too Much On Monogamy As Protection From HIV?
The takeaway: Millennials are less interested in monogamy than their older counterparts. And it’s a pattern that will likely continue for future generations as well.
The study also found that 36 percent of millennials said their ideal relationship isn’t completely monogamous or completely non-monogamous, but rather in a sort of in-between space.
“We realize that, like sexuality and gender, relationships can exist on a spectrum,” Zane says. “We’re a generation that understands our own identity as liminal. As fluid, rather than stagnant. A life solely dedicated to one person doesn’t allow for exploration.”
He continues: “Each person might have a different idea of what their non-monogamous relationship will look like. In anything but a completely monogamous relationship, partners will have to discuss and decide together how their non-monogamous relationship is going to function.”
“Frankly,” he concludes, “I think millennials are up for the challenge.”
Related: 30 Percent Of Queerty Readers Believe Marriage Is Not About Monogamy
aequalitasTN
I think the author is imposing a conclusion on millennials that isn’t necessarily exclusive to their (my) generation. I wonder how many previous generations felt the same when they were in the same age range as the millennials are now, but were simply not allowed to express it due to societal conventions in place at a specific time? Additionally, temporal perspective and experience has a way of shifting opinions along a spectrum as well. In other words, what you have/look for at 60 is not necessarily what you were looking for/have at 20. I wonder what results this same study, repeated on the same control group (adjusting for the passing of the older generation and the introduction of the new) would yield 30 years from now?
Heywood Jablowme
@aequalitasTN: Yes! When I was in my 20s I had zero interest in monogamy. But that was quite awhile ago and it’s different when you get older. How could anyone could think this is generational? Also, back then I usually had 2 or 3 sex buddies at one time: was that “completely non-monogamous”? He doesn’t define the terms here.
Heywood Jablowme
@aequalitasTN: Also, if “only [!] 51 percent of people [!] under the age of 30” were pro-monogamy, that doesn’t even mention the gender imbalance which I’m guessing was 90% women for it and 10% men against it! – [let’s wait for Brian to comment – lol]
Heywood Jablowme
“Was I simply an open-minded straight guy? Or was I just a drunk and horny hot mess?”
Notice how he doesn’t even bother to examine the “drunk” part.
Maybe he should just get a therapist and stop imposing his personal fucked-up-ness on his generation?
Bromancer7
Like many aspects of our society things like this swing back and forth like a pendulum.
And as long as each party involved in the relationship is on the same page, I don’t have a problem with it.
Liam
Monogamy and non-monogamy are choices. Neither side is superior. Neither side should point fingers at the other.
Heywood Jablowme
@Danny279: It’s funny how the monogamy fanatics are always so paranoid and act like there’s some sinister conspiracy to promote promiscuity. It’s the other way around. Promiscuity needs no sales pitch; it’s fun. Monogamy for the sake of monogamy needs a continual sales pitch, or else people will stop buying it. At least you’re honest about what the sales pitch is: it’s all about feeling superior and trying to make others “feel like crap!” as you so elegantly put it.
ErikO
@aequalitasTN: Agreed.
batesmotel
I’ve never seen or met anyone who doesn’t believe in monogamy. It only seems to be among the grindr scruff gays. They’re in the minority. Nothing wrong with it if that’s what ‘you’ believe, but it’s not the majority, even though you’d love it to be!!
tomk1of1
Monogamy is possible,even easy for some people,gay,str8,whatever. However most of us are ruled by our biology. Monogamy is a social construct and one that has been the single cause of the vast majority of divorce,breakups,even murder and a lot of abuse.
It is naive to expect that we possessive,selfish biologicals are going to see how monogamy for many isn’t just an impossibility,but dangerous to the survival of the relationships we cherish so.
Simply put…the social construct of monogamy is in direct conflict with the biological imperative in sin us all. Guess which part of this simple equation wins 99% of the time? Yep!
tomk1of1
Why does your site and your app not have a simple editing function. And if you do…where is it???
ChrisK
@tomk1of1: Welcome to yesterdays technology site.
ChrisK
@aequalitasTN: I was laughing reading the millennial kid schooling us. Sweety you didn’t invent promiscuity. It’s been around a very long time. What a ignorant little twat.
ChrisK
@Danny279: Girl tighten that chastity belt a little tighter.
brandon
Obviously an #OpinionPiece, this should be labeled as such, not passed off as a real article.
Paco
@tomk1of1: If you need to deride monogamy to support your argument for polyamory, then you really don’t have much of an argument. It seems to be repeated often and almost expected for those professing the wonders of polyamory to trash monogamy rather than just state what makes polyamory better for them. It’s almost like they are insecure and need to convince themselves. Some people are monogamous and others aren’t. No need to reduce humans to unthinking lower life forms that can’t control their baser impulses or instincts.
Oh btw, many polyamorous relationships suffer from the same pitfalls of monogamous relationships. The only difference is, more people are involved in the drama.
Good day.
Billy Budd
@Liam: I agree with Liam. If you want to fuck around, please do it and be happy. If you want to be monogamous, please be. If you want to have occasional adventures, that is OK too. Everybody should do whatever they want. It is just a matter of sorting things out with partners.
Frvasilli
I think there may be a great deal of fluidity in some relationships but that may also be because there is more than one type of relationship.
I don’t think monogamy will ever go out of style as the ULTIMATE relationship goal.
Neither my partner nor I would even consider a relationship that wasn’t based in love and mutual respect. Monogamy is the natural outcome of that combination.
DarkZephyr
@tomk1of1: what I tend to notice about people who look down on monogamy is that they push this idea that wanting to take your dick out for more than one person and not just a very special person is this natural urge that we all have. And maybe there is some truth to that. I’m not trying to deny it, I’m not trying to down polygamy. But jealousy is every bit as natural A feeling as the urge to fuck ( which I feel can be satisfied for some people before they enter into an exclusive relationship, I’m certainly no hater of casual sex) You claim that it’s monogamy that causes all this bad stuff, but I think it is more accurate to say that it’s jealousy that causes it. And it’s possible for people who are even in polygamous relationships or open relationships to get bitten by the jealousy bug. I see it all the time and that’s why whenever I’ve been invited into polygamous relationships, I have turned it down. I think that if we could live in a Society where there is no chance at all of somebody forming strong emotional bonds with people that they have sex with regularly, perhaps people would feel less threatened by sexual encounters outside the relationship. But I have seen situations where One partner has agreed to the other partners suggestion of an open relationship only for the person who suggested the open relationship to leave them for somebody they began having sex with regularly. And I have seen situations where people in polyamorous relationships have started to feel like the neglected third wheel because it seems as though a stronger emotional bond is formed between two members of the throuple than they have with the other member. Because of the existence of jealousy and also human sexual biology, I definitely can’t say that I believe with 100% certainty that we were designed to be polyamorous beings as a rule and that monogamy is this unnatural construct. I prefer to go with the idea that some people are built for monogamy and some people are billed for polygamy. That’s what I’m gonna have to stick with for now. I see myself and my fiancé as being the types that are built for monogamy. But that is just us. I’m perfectly happy for people who find happiness with polygamous relationships.
DarkZephyr
@DarkZephyr: built* for polygamy, not “billed”. Wish I could edit that lol
DarkZephyr
@Frvasilli: I tend to lean toward agreeing with you. At least as far as it relates to myself. I personally find it difficult to imagine having sex with somebody who isn’t the one that I love. I don’t have a desire to do it. It’s just not there. My fiancé’s sexual touch feels very good to me. I don’t feel like some strangers touch is going to magically feel better just because the person is a stranger. Nor do I think that there are some magic fuck buddy out there waiting for me to have sex with regularly who’s touch will somehow feel better to me. I don’t think their touch would feel better simply because their face is constructed differently than my fiance’s, or the swell of their musculature is different. And if their touch wouldn’t feel better to me than my fiancé’s, what would be the point in me having sex with somebody other than my fiancé? That’s how I feel about it personally for me.
Jack Meoff
There is no mention here in either the article or the comments about those people (gay or straight) who like to think that they are monogamous or are in a monogamous relationship but either cheat or get cheated on. There are plenty of people out there who like to pretend they are in an upstanding monogamous relationship yet turn a blind eye to cheating so they don’t have to acknowledge that they aren’t really in one. I have known quite a few gay couples who if asked would deny that their relationship was open yet either one or both partners fooled around on the side but just never acknowledge it.
DarkZephyr
@Jack Meoff: it must be quite interesting for you to be privy to knowledge about couples that the couples themselves aren’t.
ChrisK
@Frvasilli: Yes you would think that if you believed that monogamy was superior. Many don’t though.
Jaroslaw
@Heywood Jablowme: Being responsible in ANYTHING requires a salespitch. Would you rather spend your entire paycheck on partying or saving for retirement? Exercise isn’t fun, sitting on the couch eating potato chips is. An uninformed public is much easier for politicians to manipulate than those who read and keep up with issues. This last election is proof of that.
Heywood Jablowme
@Jaroslaw: Uh… Exercise CAN be fun, and I suppose potato chips have a “sales pitch” in that there is advertising for them, so your analogies don’t quite work!
I was originally disagreeing with someone who’s convinced there is some big gay conspiracy “pushing” (his word) promiscuity. Of course that’s silly. This news item appeared yesterday in mainstream media. Queerty didn’t originate it.
I’m not anti-monogamy – maybe when I was really young but not anymore! – and I realize monogamy does need somewhat of a sales pitch. As a dry abstract thing, it may not seem appealing to someone who’s never been in love, or say, to someone with divorced parents, or to a young gay guy who doesn’t know any happy gay couples or sees a lot of fighting couples. In those cases, monogamy may seem dry and unappealing at best.
Danny279
@Heywood Jablowme: You say promiscuity is “fun” but the stats show otherwise. People with many partners have lower self-esteem, are more lonely and/or socially isolated, have more “homonegative” (i.e., internalized homophobic) views, have poorer physical health outcomes, are more likely to suffer mood disorders and drug/alcohol addiction, and are more likely to have or have had STIs, including HIV. Fun!
Danny279
Moreover, this exhausting way of life requires a small army of product and service providers to support. So there is no shortage of for-profit enterprises – from bars and baths to apps to circuit parties – ready and willing to advertise, making chronic, life-long promiscuity appear to be normal, when it in fact is @bnormal for nearly every human being on Earth, including a majority of LGB people.
Doughosier
It’s been said that a man is only as faithful as his options. There’s a lot of truth in that. So it makes sense under 30 year olds would be less monogamous- they have more options for sex.
frankcar1965
How do they know exactly that people are really monogamous? By asking them? What a laugh! Like they will tell the truth. They don’t, they lie. I will never believe it. I do not know ANY gay couple that is monogamous, but I know several who tell each other that the other one does not play around. Ask me how I know. Some just have to play the denial game.
I don’t judge either way just don’t kid yourself. Poz magazine has shown that most people who sero-convert with HIV are in “monogamous” relationships, is that saying something or what. And that can be proven. That’s why they ditch the condoms and thence the HIV. Don’t believe it.
frankcar1965
@DarkZephyr: He knows for sure I bet! Because he might have just laid down with one of them! I have myself. It makes them feel good to to tell themselves that they are monogamous.
Brian
If you commit to someone, you have to keep to the contract. There are no exceptions. You cannot cheat.
If you don’t wish to commit, that’s another story. Make it clear that you have no desire to commit. Then, you don’t need to be monogamous from a moral viewpoint.
Women are the main flame-keepers for monogamy because they are the ones who most understand the importance of the stable nuclear family.
To women, sex is a means of creating a brood that needs to be nurtured in a stable environment. To men, sex is mainly a source of constant pleasure that has no personal repercussions such as pregnancy – creating a brood is a side-effect of sex as far as men are concerned.
Heywood Jablowme
@Danny279: And again, you don’t say even one single thing about why you actually LIKE monogamy! (If indeed you do.) For all we know your “boyfriend” is some guy you have locked up in your basement just so you won’t catch an STI. How fucking romantic! Your “sales pitch” is entirely pessimistic and you have absolutely nothing optimistic to say about monogamy. Even I could do a better job selling monogamy (hey I already did above).
WHO is promoting “life-long [!] promiscuity”? I wasn’t doing that not and nobody else is either. Gay men naturally get more interested in settling down as we get older. The reasons for this should be obvious (even to you). You don’t have to get so goddam fucking hysterical about it and act like there’s some big sinister conspiracy to “push” promiscuity.
And your blaming baths (very few in number anymore, and don’t advertise much), bars (famously in decline since the rise of apps) and circuit parties (well, I’ve never been entirely sure what those are) is just ridiculous. Blame the apps if you want, although I guess that would take away your hysterical belief that advertising is somehow causing young guys to have sex a lot.
Heywood Jablowme
@Danny279: If it helps you, I can assure you that nobody I know over 50 is aspiring to “life-long promiscuity”! (Wow, talk about a straw-man argument.) They don’t have the energy for that, lol. Also you can calm down about Queerty being part of the conspiracy, at least in this case. I saw this silly news item on mainstream (non-gay) sites a day or two before Queerty linked to it.
I expected the “clickbait” would work differently in the comments here, though, because the guy in the article is bisexual and that usually generates a whole other set of biphobia comments!
Damien
It depends how open is one to establishing anything? Otherwise, you go down ‘wrong’ roads; being annoyed expecting to be disappointed. Once you can self-fertilize joyful with your own company, you might explore monogamy.
GayEGO
Educating parents, schools, churches, etc. to teach children about love and inclusiveness and to think about and for themselves is an important part of growing up. I have been with my partner for 54 years, married 12 years and in the early days there was some promiscuity until we decided there were a lot more important things such as professions, relationships, etc. That is why I use the term – same-gender marriage because it is a lot more than just about sex. I have seen some of my nieces and nephews less concerned about relationships whereas my great-nieces and nephews are more concerned about relationships, which is indicated in this article as it mentions it is on the rise in younger people. I am sure there will be many changes in the future as civilization learns and evolves.
dwes09
One study does not a scientific or sociological conclusion make! In this case the one study mentioned by the one author mentioned finds younger folks had less interest in monogamy than older folks. No mention at all of the number of couples surveyed, no link to the study. The “outlying” conclusion is similarly based on one study. That article at least mentions the number of couples surveyed was 800. So the only valid conclusion to make from this article is that nobody really knows how monogamy is “viewed by millennials”, or its fate; but that the author and the man he quotes have a narrow agenda.
Add to that the widespread observation noted here (admittedly anecdotal, but actually supported by the study cited in this article) that desire for monogamy changes as one ages. How well I recall the 70’s where monogamy was viewed very suspiciously by gay men and by many others of my generation. Now I would be hard pressed to find non-monogamous couples among my peers, and even the single ones among us are most likely to be serial monogamists.
Some things are not unique revelations to a new generation, but simply natural desires that change over a life. After a little heartbreak, a messy divorce or a long stable marriage millennials are likely to value monogamy and the comfort of a relationship not stressed by sexual adventures more than they did when younger and when it was easier to pick up the pieces and move on.
o.codone
@dwes09: Serial monogamists. You mean cereal monogamiss, like you coco pebbles, like fruit loops, like you. Such an old fashioned writing style. It’s almost unreadable. But it really dates you. Cereal-ously, the 70’s? When exactly was that? Frosted Flakes, Captain Fu*cking Crunch. God, I’m high. hahahhahaaa.
frankcar1965
NO ONE has yet explained how everyone knows that their o-so-loved one has not screwed around??!!! Certainly if you are always together and I mean ALWAYS together, then yes you know for sure. But most people have jobs and responsibilities and things to do every day and that very often includes a little extra-curricular nookie. Tell yourself otherwise, it is a free country to believe anything you want but they screw around! I hear so many old queens on here talking out their asses like their husbands don’t fuck around but they do, sometimes with me! Even in your very bed while you’re out taking care of grand-ma at the home. If I don’t get it someone else will.
Alex
I’m monogamous and I like that way. I’ve been obsessed with my BF for the past 5 years. So much so that won’t get hard on with anybody else. Call it passion, call it love. Something that’s long forgotten in the shallow age of Grindr, self obsession, Party and play. Fast fu..uck.
frankcar1965
@Alex: Grindr did not make people shallow, especially gay guys, they were already shallow. Gay men have always been the most shallow of all people and very judge-y too. Not to mention exclusionary and very bitchy. We are our own worst enemy.
highestbidder
I’m just guessing he’s but I think I’m right – I believe every generation starts out like this, it just wasn’t socially acceptable before. In other words, this is not unique to millennials, if prior generations had the opportunity they wouldn’t have fixated exclusively on monogamy. And as millennials age they will gradually move closer to the monogamous end of the spectrum just as prior generations did.