Jake says...

So the guy you like just told you he’s HIV-positive — Now what?

You’re on cloud nine. He’s hot. The chemistry is right. The conversation flows. There’s nothing about him that annoys you. It’s so rare to find a mate with that perfect mix that you wonder what the catch is. Then–wham!–he tells you he’s HIV-positive.

Many guys who aren’t HIV-positive can’t get past the stigma surrounding HIV. And many poz guys know too well that fateful text later in the night–“Hey man, it’s just not gonna be a fit.” But without being able to talk through things, it’s easy to let overwhelm, uncertainty, and bias color the chance for love (or hot sex).

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in LGBTQ issues, I work with people on both sides of the issue–newly diagnosed and those concerned about becoming positive–to work through the fears and misunderstandings around HIV so that they can live fully and freely, without fear, judgment, or low self-worth.

Here are some tips on how to talk to that guy after he drops the HIV bombshell…

Be honest and authentic about your feelings.

Your first instinct might be to close up. Don’t. Guys with HIV have most likely had to go through this conversation before, and they can handle it. It’s much worse to pretend you’re not having a reaction and then reject someone later without a real, honest dialogue. It’s okay to be freaked out or have concerns, questions, fears, disappointments, et cetera. Talking about them and being heard can help you move past them.

Ask Questions.

You don’t have to dance around the details. Although it can seem like a very personal issue, it’s important for you to get out all of your questions and concerns, so that you can move through some of your fears of the unknown. For example, ask him what his health status is. Is he undetectable? What does that mean exactly? How long has he been positive? By not shying away from those topics, you are relaying a message that you are open and willing to learn more, and things will feel less overwhelming. The truth is that he’s really not any different than a negative guy but you should explore the issues with him.

Don’t assume he wants to date someone negative.

Believe it or not, you’re not the only one who gets to decide if he wants to be in a sero-discordant relationship (a relationship where both partners have a different HIV statuses). Many poz guys prefer to only date someone else with the same status, to avoid the fear of transmitting it to someone they love and dealing with those emotional repercussions. Or they may not be up for negotiation around safe sex. Both you and your partner get to decide what works for each of you. 

Talk about exactly how protection could look. 

There are many ways to still have a healthy, safe sex life when one member of a couple has HIV. Different layers of protection include: the positive partner being undetectable, the negative partner being on PrEP; condoms; not having anal intercourse. A discussion about what each person would be comfortable with is essential. If you’re not on the same page, instead of immediately jumping to judgment or rejection, ask why. It’s important for both you to understand each other.

Be aware of HIV stigma.

Pay attention to your reaction and try to be conscious of any pre-conceived negative judgment that you have around HIV. Some people still believe that only a slut or someone who is self-hating would be careless enough to get HIV. That just isn’t true, and comes from a place of prejudice. Having HIV doesn’t define a person, and may not even say anything about them at all. If you feel yourself going into a place of judgment, just acknowledge it as a first step to letting it go.

Jake Myers is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Los Angeles and Queerty’s relationship columnist. He has a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Boston College and a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy. Visit him on Facebook @jakemyerstherapy or at jakemyerstherapy.com.

Have a burning question for Jake? Write him at [email protected] or post it in the comments below.

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64 Comments

  • staggerlee

    WOW…how timely this article is.
    Just went thru this a month ago.
    Came out of left field for me.

    • Retos VIH 2020

      Then you should know that HIV when treated, changes nothing on a relationship. In fact a person living with HIV and effective treatment is undetectable and therefore untransmittable, even in condoles sex.
      http://www.Uequalsu.org

  • Hussain-TheCanadian

    If I’m falling for him, then it wouldn’t change a thing for me; I’d hug him, kiss him, and tell him I love him.

    No HIV is keeping me away from the man I love!!

    • Frank

      PERFECT RESPONSE…

      I think HIV can be a way to communicate in ways that are sometimes taken for granted….

  • DarkZephyr

    Quite some time ago I had the serious hots for an HIV positive guy and he seemed to like me too. We didn’t live in the same state so contact rare BUT I was all for changing locations for him if it worked out. I wasn’t afraid of being with him at all, I badly wanted it. I knew we could be safe and protecting me from infection. Sadly one day he just stopped communicating with me and I never did find out why or even what ultimately happened to him. He did get sick a lot and even though this was years ago, when I think of him I still worry that something bad happened to him. He was a very special guy. :(

    • Frank

      I had the same thing happen to me…I was really into this guy…but sadly I found out that he passed away…when I think of him I am deeply saddened and confused as in your case he was a special guy…damn now I am tearing up!!!

    • Retos VIH 2020

      Chances are that that person did not started ARV treatment and fell into a depression.
      Today, someone that is diagnosed with HIV, and access to treatment, reaches an undetectable viral load which makes it impossible to transmit HIV to anybody else, and also guarantees that his life span is as long as yours.

      http://www.UequalsU.org

  • seaguy

    I would then ask him if he is taking HIV medications and is he undetectable and continue to ask questions but most likely he would say he was undetectable so I would say well then lets keep this thing between us going and if I was not on PrEP I would get on it to further minimize risk, especially if we were eventually going to stop using condoms as part of a committed relationship.

    • Frank

      LOVE YOUR ANSWER

    • Retos VIH 2020

      For the record… PrEP is only prescribed for serodiscordant couples as a “bridge”, for the time frame that the person living with HIV has not started his treatment and therefore not yet UNDETECTABLE.

      Once your boyfriend becomes UNDETECTABLE, if He continues to take his treatment He will remain Undetectable for life, and therefore Untransmittable.

      This message should be clear for everyone that has a serodiscordant couple: A person living with HIV on effective treatment and an undetectable viral load, CAN NOT TRANSMIT HIV, even if you do not use condoms and have anal intercourse. This is what Science says, and more than 250 institutions world wide: http://www.uequalsu.org

  • JK 1984

    I would like to think I wouldn’t freak out if I was newly dating someone and they told me they were HIC positive, but honestly until I’m in that position I am not sure.

    I was a child during the 80s and early 90s when HIV/AIDS was effectively a death sentence and that scared me, especially as I was just starting to understand my own sexuality and thought that being gay I would end up dying of AIDS because that is what happens. So there are a lot of emotions to unpack.

    • Retos VIH 2020

      junk4sts, it is pretty clear you are clueless on the topic.

      Nobody here is saying that undetectable people are cured, they need to have daily medication to remain undetectable, and when you are in a relationship, you know if your partner is undetectable, because you see him every day taking his meds and going to his doctor appointments every 6 months, becomes part of his life.

      For casual sex, believing that someone is undetectable is the same as beleiving that they are negative, that means nonsense. For casual sex you need to protect yourself with condoms or PrEP.

      Viral load does not rebound out of the blue as long as you take your meds, you are likely to remain undetectable for life as it was recently published in a study. And yes, being with an undetectable partner is actually the safest sex you can have.

      What you are defending as an strategy is called “serosorting” or choosing HIV negative people for sex to avoid getting HIV, but my friend that only means that you will eventually become HIV+ with that strategy. It has been already said by CDC that 2/3 of new HIV cases occur in couples, in context of trust, when the partner though he was negative, but He was simply Undiagnosed.
      CDC estimates that 92% of new HIV cases come from undiagnosed people or people that is not on meds.

      Lets draw a clear Scenario:

      Scenario 1: A person claims to be “HIV Negative”:

      Attitude of others: Acceptance and relaxation when having sex with you, because it would create a false environment of trust and reliability, which is where 2/3 of new HIV infections occur.

      Transmission Risk:
      APPRECIABLE-HIGH
      92% of new HIV transmissions occur in a context where the person with HIV is undiagnosed according to 2009 US CDC data. You can or can transmit HIV without knowing it, in fact, this is how it usually happens.

      It is not certain that you are HIV negative, since there are window periods of up to 18 weeks with respect to your last test, where you can be HIV-Positive Without Diagnosis. In fact it is estimated that between 52% and 92% of the total new HIV infections occur during this period window in which the person would give negative to the test while undiagnosed.

      A newly infected person usually has a very high viral load peak that increases the probability of transmission up to 50% through unprotected anal penetration with ejaculation, whereas an infected person has not had the peak viral load for months and Probability of transmission by unprotected anal penetration is 3%.

      Scenario 2: A person Status is Positive Undetectable

      Attitude of others: Although with an undetectable viral load it is impossible for you to transmit HIV, people will choose to discriminate you and avoid having sex with you because of the stigma and ignorance that still exists.

      Transmission Risk: ZERO risk in anal penetration with ejaculation
      There is not a single documented case of transmission of HIV from an HIV-positive person who is adherent to treatment and has an undetectable viral load.

      The International Scientific Consensus is clear in this regard. Knowing the serological status through an application of sexual contacts does not help improve the health of users, since the selection of people who call themselves Negative, even if they are not lying, ends up being the riskiest sexual practice of them all.

    • Retos VIH 2020

      junksts, you last comment is based on OUTDATED information of the CDC, which is one of the few organisations that still has not updated their website, which by the way will take place along this year at some point. Therefore your whole peach is OUTDATED.

      Have a look on http://www.uequalsu.org

  • Retos VIH 2020

    Fortunately in 2017 live with HIV means NOTHING in respect to have a relationship with a negative partner. Stigma only can respond to ignorance and lack of knowledge of the current Science.

    A person living with HIV that is on effective treatment, with an durable undetectable viral load (more than 6 months), is incapable to transmit HIV to his partner, even if they do not use condoms and have anal intercourse.

    Although this article has good intentions, in my view it miss the opportunity to erase the stigma held by people living with HIV, because it does not mention what it means to be undetectable.

    There is currently a strong international campaign on the subject http://www.uequalsu.org where more than 250 organisations endose the Scientific Consensus that Undetectable = Untransmittable

    To make the story short, people have 3 possible ways to prevent HIV transmission:

    1) TasP (Treatment as Prevention): Reduces 100% HIV Risk Transmission
    2) PrEP (Pre-Exposure Profilaxis): Reduces 99% HIV Risk Transmission
    3) Condoms: Reduces 80% HIV Risk Transmission

    Therefore, the best possible way to avoid HIV transmission is to have a boyfriend that lives with HIV and is on treatment and undetectable.

    • junk4sts

      I’ts pretty clear you have some sort of vested interest in this topic, and you have kind of a rose colored glasses view of this issue, and from a purely scientific point of view you may be right, but this is a VERY personal topic, on both sides of the table, in reality being undetectable is not the same as being HIV- once you are HIV+ you have to maintain a drug regiment everyday for the rest of your life, according to the CDC HIV can bounce back quickly if a person stops their medication, Ideally a person would never stop their medication, but stuff happens, job loss , loss of insurance, government de-funding of programs to help people with medication, regiment fatigue, this list goes on and on. This all has to be considered.

      Also, you can’t know what a person is doing 24/7, you can’t know for sure if they have taken their medicine and medical proof of an undetectable viral load in January does not mean a person is undetectable in March.

      You try to make a case that some how being with an HIV+ person is “safer” than being with anyone else, actually not having sex with any infected people is the best way to ensure you don’t get HIV or other STD’s.

      My point is, for some HIV+ is a deal breaker, even in the ideal situation where both partners are 100% faithful in a closed relationship.

      I think other’s are correct and I agree that you should never just take a guys word for it when it comes to HIV status, guys will Lie, Cheat, and Steal for sex, so don’t be naive, protect yourself, assume EVERYONE you have sex with is HIV+ and Detectable, Make sure you know your own status especially if you are sexually active, and don’t rely on anyone else to protect you. HIV is preventable, and it’s still a terrible thing that should be prevented and avoided at all costs.

    • Retos VIH 2020

      .

    • Retos VIH 2020

      junk4sts, it is pretty clear you are clueless on the topic.

      Nobody here is saying that undetectable people are cured, they need to have daily medication to remain undetectable, and when you are in a relationship, you know if your partner is undetectable, because you see him every day taking his meds and going to his doctor appointments every 6 months, becomes part of his life.

      For casual sex, believing that someone is undetectable is the same as beleiving that they are negative, that means nonsense. For casual sex you need to protect yourself with condoms or PrEP.

      Viral load does not rebound out of the blue as long as you take your meds, you are likely to remain undetectable for life as it was recently published in a study. And yes, being with an undetectable partner is actually the safest sex you can have.

      What you are defending as an strategy is called “serosorting” or choosing HIV negative people for sex to avoid getting HIV, but my friend that only means that you will eventually become HIV+ with that strategy. It has been already said by CDC that 2/3 of new HIV cases occur in couples, in context of trust, when the partner though he was negative, but He was simply Undiagnosed.
      CDC estimates that 92% of new HIV cases come from undiagnosed people or people that is not on meds.

      Lets draw a clear Scenario:

      Scenario 1: A person claims to be “HIV Negative”:

      Attitude of others: Acceptance and relaxation when having sex with you, because it would create a false environment of trust and reliability, which is where 2/3 of new HIV infections occur.

      Transmission Risk:
      APPRECIABLE-HIGH
      92% of new HIV transmissions occur in a context where the person with HIV is undiagnosed according to 2009 US CDC data. You can or can transmit HIV without knowing it, in fact, this is how it usually happens.

      It is not certain that you are HIV negative, since there are window periods of up to 18 weeks with respect to your last test, where you can be HIV-Positive Without Diagnosis. In fact it is estimated that between 52% and 92% of the total new HIV infections occur during this period window in which the person would give negative to the test while undiagnosed.

      A newly infected person usually has a very high viral load peak that increases the probability of transmission up to 50% through unprotected anal penetration with ejaculation, whereas an infected person has not had the peak viral load for months and Probability of transmission by unprotected anal penetration is 3%.

      Scenario 2: A person Status is Positive Undetectable

      Attitude of others: Although with an undetectable viral load it is impossible for you to transmit HIV, people will choose to discriminate you and avoid having sex with you because of the stigma and ignorance that still exists.

      Transmission Risk: ZERO risk in anal penetration with ejaculation
      There is not a single documented case of transmission of HIV from an HIV-positive person who is adherent to treatment and has an undetectable viral load.

      The International Scientific Consensus is clear in this regard. Knowing the serological status through an application of sexual contacts does not help improve the health of users, since the selection of people who call themselves Negative, even if they are not lying, ends up being the riskiest sexual practice of them all.

    • junk4sts

      I have read the science, but I choose to also acknowledge the emotional (and admittedly) not necessarily logical component to this decision, I do not disagree with the science, but people are not always rational or logical and we don’t always have control of our situations.

      Not everyone lives with and spends every waking moment with their partner, not everyone has access to their partners medical records, which means there are elements of faith and trust that you have to have even in the best case scenario.

      I do agree with what you say on a scientific level, I just don’t have that much faith in my fellow man, you can never fully know what is in someone else’s heart, you can never fully know what drives other peoples actions, we each must be vigilant about our own health and make choices that we are comfortable with. Even if you are willing to date an HIV+ person, you still have to take all of the available precautions to prevent being infected.

      I’m not a huge fan of prescription medicine, and I’m not sexually active so PreP is not a real option for me as that is not generally prescribed to sexually inactive people.

      In a world that becomes perfect (In an always perfect world no one would ever get HIV and AIDS), where partners don’t cheat and they always do the right thing, and both are completely open and honest about everything, and they get tested every 6 months, and they never lose their jobs, and nothing ever changes, sure there would likely be no problems, but undetectable is not an automatically steady state (which you acknowledge, but minimize the emotional importance of) to me it’s like cruise control in a car, a driver does what he needs to do to reach 65mph then sets cruise control, he still has to monitor traffic and adapt to and make changes to stay at 65mph even with cruise control set and vigilant attention sometimes there is simply nothing he can do but hit the brakes slow down or even come to complete stop. It’s not an apples to apples comparison, but it illustrates my point, even the best planning can’t plan for every situation, when driving you always need a backup plan, and some times the best plan is not to take the trip at all.

      Finally, science is not foolproof, (The Titanic is a great example of this), we often see situations where a drugs true side-effects aren’t known for years and even decades, so although we are comfortable with what we know about HIV and AIDS preventive and treatment drugs right now that doesn’t mean we will be comfortable with them in 5 years.

      So I agree with you about the science, but still wouldn’t be comfortable with an HIV+ but undetectable partner, because it put’s too much health power in someone else’s hands. (I do understand that HIV- is just as fragile a state as HIV+ and undetectable so I treat both situation the same).

      I think where we disagree is not about the science, it’s about the emotional aspect of dating an infected person, articles like this try to tell us to completely forget our emotions and 100% trust the science, but that’s not a realistic argument in any situation, from choosing a phone, a car, a place to live, a job, a friend or a partner, there is always an emotional component, it’s part of being human.

    • Retos VIH 2020

      junk4sts, actually you answered yourself with your sentence:

      “I do understand that HIV- is just as fragile a state as HIV+ and undetectable so I treat both situation the same” Therefore, it should not matter at ALL in your case.

      Therefore, if “your emotional irrational fears” are stronger than “your love”, then it does not really matter, use condoms always in your relationships no matter if you are with a “negative undiagnosed” partner or an “undetectable positive” partner. That is your real choice here.

      But rejecting someone just because He has HIV in his reservoirs but unable to pass it on to you, is simply nonsense. The chances are actually likely that you will get HIV from a “negative undiagnosed” partner. This is the part that you really need to understand.

      Science in this case is fool proof actually, HTPN 052 Study has been done for 10 years in a row of observation of serodiscordant couples that had condomless intercourses during all this time with not a single case of transmission.

    • Danny595

      HIV+ people are much more likely to have other STIs and a host of other maladies, including mental illness, low self-esteem, and depression. There is a campaign to make HIV infection a trivial matter, but it is not. A good rule of thumb is: Steer clear.

    • Jboo

      I side with Junk4sts on this one. You never truly know what decision you’ll make until you are in that moment. I also think it’s incredibly condescending to label anyone who chooses not to engage in sexual intercourse with HIV+ men as being ‘clueless’ about the science, and name-calling immediately eradicates any and all credibility you worked to establish.

      The science behind it all helps us make informed decisions, but it doesn’t make the decision itself. There is still an element of choosing, as there should be, and as there always will be.

      I can only imagine it takes a lot of courage to disclose one’s status. And ironically the men who disclose are the least dangerous – it’s those who don’t disclose or who are unaware of their status that pose the greatest threat.

      But when I read “the best possible way to avoid HIV transmission is to have a boyfriend that lives with HIV and is on treatment and undetectable”, I instantly tune out. That’s 100% incorrect, by ANY scientific and technical definition.

    • junk4sts

      I wasn’t going to respond, but I actually respect your last comment to me, so I’ll say this, there are actually people who are HIV- and know it for a fact, (they get tested regularly and know their status, and they take the necessary precautions to stay that way.)

      I do understand what you are saying about (I think) negative undiagnosed, but shouldn’t that be positive undiagnosed?

      In your most recent comment you say ” if “your emotional irrational fears” are stronger than “your love”…” to my mind this conversation should happen WAY before there is much emotional investment.

      I will close my discussion with this direct quote from the CDC website, note how it explains what ‘undetectable’ means, and what it says about genital fluids, what it says about viral loads between tests and what it says about other sexually transmitted diseases and how they affect the viral load in genital fluids. This information validates a cautious approach to this subject:

      “Yes, as an HIV-positive person’s viral load goes down, the chance of transmitting HIV goes down.

      Viral load is the amount of HIV in the blood of someone who is HIV-positive. When the viral load is very low, it is called viral suppression. Undetectable viral load is when the amount of HIV in the blood is so low that it can’t be measured.

      In general, the higher someone’s viral load, the more likely that person is to transmit HIV. People who have HIV but are in care, taking HIV medicines, and have a very low or undetectable viral load are much less likely to transmit HIV than people who have HIV and do not have a low viral load.

      However, a person with HIV can still potentially transmit HIV to a partner even if they have an undetectable viral load, because

      HIV may still be found in genital fluids (semen, vaginal fluids). The viral load test only measures virus in blood.
      A person’s viral load may go up between tests. When this happens, they may be more likely to transmit HIV to partners.
      Sexually transmitted diseases increase viral load in genital fluids.
      If you’re HIV-positive, getting into care and taking HIV medicines (called antiretroviral therapy or ART) the right way, every day will give you the greatest chance to get and stay virally suppressed, live a longer, healthier life, and reduce the chance of transmitting HIV to your partners.

      If you’re HIV-negative and have an HIV-positive partner, encourage your partner to get into care and take HIV treatment medicines.

      Taking other actions, like using a condom the right way every time you have sex or taking daily medicine to prevent HIV (called pre-exposure prophylaxis or PrEP) if you’re HIV-negative, can lower your chances of transmitting or getting HIV even more.”

      Each of us must be comfortable with the choices we make, and should not feel bullied and badgered into making a decision we are not comfortable with.

    • Retos VIH 2020

      Jboo

      Sorry mate, but you are a complete ignorant, and is useless to waste energy trying to educate you, is a wasted time, because instead of reading the information provided and the links, you prefer to vomit your prejudices and false perceptions of “safety” for choosing to skip an HIV+ Undetectable sexual partner. That is called Serophobia, and is directly linked with new HIV cases, so beware of it. You are looking for safety in the wrong place.

      And by the way, “those who do not disclose” pose ZERO risk if they are undetectable, and if they do not disclose is for ignorant and serophobic people like YOU that stigmatise them even having the Science in front of yourself. Do you disclose to someone about your serophobia? or does it come out straight from your speech? Get tested Jboo and get educated.

      http://www.uequalsu.org

      A highly recommended article for you by the way:
      https://www.facebook.com/notes/retos-vih/grindr-improves-the-sexual-health-or-promotes-serophobia/1574769342595820/

    • Retos VIH 2020

      junk4sts, your last comment is based on OUTDATED information on the CDC website, which is about to be updated this year at some point. Therefore your whole speech is based on OUTDATED Science.
      HIV can not be transmitted on bodily fluids or blood of someone that is undetectable, have a look on FAQ of the http://www.uequalsu.org campaign

    • Retos VIH 2020

      Danny595, it is just the opposite. HIV+ and people on PrEP are by far less likely to have other STD’s because the get tested regularly and monitored for STD’s and as soon and it pops up, it gets treated and cured, and therefore not transmitted.

      You can not say the same of “HIV negative” (Undiagnosed gay men) that get tested occasionally and usually only for HIV and not the rest of STD’s, and unknowingly carry and pass other STD’s.

      This is what happens in general, of course there can be exceptions of negative people that get tested every 3 months and HIV+ people that do not go for doctor appointments, but that is definitely not the rule, but the exception.

    • junk4sts

      @Retos VIH 2020 and to others who may be following our conversation: I respect Retos VIH 2020’s point of view and the the science does seem to support Retos VIH 2020’s basic position on this topic.

      In reading about the 2 studies that most of the U=U dialogue is based on I think it is important to note that the studies themselves (PARTNER and HTPN 052) had MANY more heterosexual couples than homosexual couples, of the nearly 1800 couples in the HTPN 052 study only 3% were homosexual couples. In the PARTNER study there were less than 400 homosexual couples. Also, HTPN 052 did not specifically focus on sex without condoms.

      The PARTNER study seems to be more relevant to gay couples because there were more homosexual couples and they report things like average number of years the HIV+ partner was undetectable (this average was fairly high at over 4 years for some groups), The number of years an HIV+ person is consistently undetectable is an important metric because (according to the studies) the longer a person consistently maintains an undetectable viral load the lower the chances that they can pass on the infection.

      It is also important to understand that the studies stop short of saying the it is “impossible” to get HIV from an HIV+ partner with an undetectable viral load but that they do say there were no infections that took place between any of the couples in either study where the HIV+ partner maintained an undetectable viral and where the HIV- partner did not have sex outside the relationship.

      Finally, there is currently a PARTNER 2 study underway that is focusing only on gay couples, and it will track what kind of sex the couples had (by that I mean which partner was the top and which was the bottom, as well as details like did the HIV+ partner ejaculate inside the HIV- parter and how often they did this.) Like the original PARTNER study this study will focus on sex without condoms.

      I’m keeping my opinions out of this post to keep it as fact based as possible, the evidence is strong that there is almost no risk to the HIV- partner in monogamous relationships when his HIV+ partner has an undetectable viral load and has maintained that state for an extended amount of time.

      Research the studies yourself (don’t take my or Retos VIH 2020’s word for it) to understand what was actually studied and what the researchers say (don’t only rely on sites that summarize the research because they tend to gloss over details that might be important to you) In both of these studies the environment was controlled and there were eligibility requirements for the couples that may or may not apply to every couple and every situation.

      If you do find “the one” and he is HIV+ but undetectable and has maintained that state for an extended period of time, it may not necessarily be a deal breaker, especially if you are on PrEP, use condoms or both.

      Educate yourself make good choices, and be comfortable with the choices you make.

    • Retos VIH 2020

      My last comment still awaiting for “moderation”? How come?

    • Retos VIH 2020

      junk4sts, you ruined your speech at the end with your sentence:

      “If you do find “the one” and he is HIV+ but undetectable and has maintained that state for an extended period of time, it may not necessarily be a deal breaker, especially if you are on PrEP, use condoms or both.”

      Listen: HIV+ Undetectable people do not need your “mercy”, they do not need YOU to be a “good person” and “accept them”, and they do not want to be eternally thankful for “your acceptance”, for not making it a “deal breaker”, especially while you are using PrEP, condoms or even better BOTH, just in case… do you realize how ridiculous you sounded there?

      Man, assume it: You are completely serophobic. You have an irrational panic towards HIV no matter how many times you read research studies, which by the way, there are not only two of them.

      Get this: UNDETECTABLE EQUALS UNTRANSMITTABLE.

      Medical community has known this for decades!
      Since ARV hit the market, doctors realised that the partners of their HIV+ patients did not get HIV

      That is why they wanted to proof that Treatment was the reason for it, and they did in 2008 for the first time with the SWISS STATEMENT(*1) telling the World that UNDETECTABLE EQUALS UNTRANSMITTABLE.

      Scientific Community said that it was too strong statement to be accepted without replicating the study with more years of observation. That is how HTPN 052 Study (*2) took place, to proof that during 10 years of observation the statement remained true. Before the Study ended, it was published in 2011 in Science daily as the Breakthrough of the year that UNDETECTABLE EQUALS UNTRANMITTABLE

      Still some skeptics said that that statement could be true for heterosexuals but anal penetration could yield different results, and therefore that should require further studies. That is how PARTNER Study (*3) was initiated to proof that the statement remained valid for MSM. Again when results of PARTNER 1 were published, ZERO transmissions occurred: UNDETECTABLE EQUALS UNTRANSMITTABLE.

      Other studies were underway like Opposites Attract (*4) that yielded the same ZERO Transmissions among gay serodiscordant couples, or the one performed in Spain by Centro Medico Sandoval (*5).

      Today, there is an irrefutable International Scientific Consensus that a person living with HIV having an UNDETECTABLE viral load, can not transmit HIV to his sexual partners, no matter if you are gay or straight, and there is plenty of evidence of the subject, because not a single documented case exist to date of a transmission coming from someone with an undetectable viral load.

      http://www.uequalsu.org
      More than 250 Organizations worldwide have endorsed this consensus, and everyone is updating their standards and websites day by day with the effort of this International campaign, because it is necessary to spread this knowledge if we want to meet UNAIDS targets for 2020 and 2030.

      The potential of Treatment as Prevention to STOP new cases of HIV is hughe, and denying it, perpetuates stigma and a steady number of 2.000.000 new cases every year. If We provide Access to Treatment from the moment of Diagnosis, We will have a population of HIV Undetectable people that do not transmit it sexually, and at the same time improve the prognosis and allow them to have a similar life span than the rest of the population.

      Please GET TESTED, GET EDUCATED, GET TREATMENT, STOP STIGMA, STOP HIV.

    • junk4sts

      @Retos VIH 2020: I’m not sure I ruined anything, There are other STD’s out there besides HIV, Condoms help protect from those infections, PrEP has been proven very effective to prevent the spread of HIV.

      I understand that you are passionate about this topic, but I’ve read the studies and I stand by my statements. I don’t know ANY gay couples where both partners are faithful (I’m sure they exist it’s just that I don’t know any couples like that), it is important not to get tunnel vision and not only focus on HIV.

      Also, in support of my last sentence here is a direct quote from the prevention Access Campaign website:

      “17. Should I stop using condoms and/or PrEP if I’m with someone who is undetectable?
      Having an undetectable viral load, using PrEP and using condoms are all HIV prevention strategies that people can choose to use alone or in combination. We provide information about the latest science of HIV transmission so people with HIV and their partners can make informed decisions about what works for them. Some people may prefer to use several HIV prevention strategies for a variety of reasons such as to reduce transmission risk anxiety, to prevent other STIs, to prevent pregnancy, or if the partner with HIV has a history of inconsistent ART adherence. Condoms are the only method that helps prevent HIV, STIs, and pregnancy.”

      You said:
      “Listen: HIV+ Undetectable people do not need your “mercy”, they do not need YOU to be a “good person” and “accept them”, and they do not want to be eternally thankful for “your acceptance”, for not making it a “deal breaker”, especially while you are using PrEP, condoms or even better BOTH, just in case… do you realize how ridiculous you sounded there?”

      To that I say, if i’m having the HIV+ conversation with someone it’s because we both are into each other and this is exactly what the original article was talking about, understanding that HIV+ and undetectable should not be a deal breaker. My statement was about protecting myself and being comfortable with that decision, not about “mercy” or being a “good person”.

      Your comments make it seem like you believe nothing could EVER go wrong in a relationship with a person who is on ART, my stance is to take a metered and cautions approach, understanding that humans are not perfect and anything we are a part of is not perfect.

      Again, I understand you are passionate about this topic, but your passion won’t keep me safe in my next relationship, it’s my responsibility to protect myself, and if that means condoms and PrEP, then so be it. If a guy is into me and suppressed and on ART and my cautious approach is a “deal-breaker” for him then we weren’t meant to be.

    • Retos VIH 2020

      Junk4sts…nice try, but sorry, I can not buy it.

      Even if you try to disguise it with “safety for other STI’s and an unfaithful partner”.

      The use of PrEP is recommended in serodiscordant couples as a BRIDGE strategy when the HIV+ person is not yet on treatment or Undetectable.

      The use of condoms is arbitrary in couples, and recommended if they have an open relationship, and it is actually more meaningful in order to protect the HIV+ partner from getting an STI from the HIV- one.

      Every one shall make use of the different prevention methods available: TasP, PrEP and/or Condoms, and we all know that only condoms protect against other genital STI’s different from HIV.

      Nevertheless, condoms are not a safe heaven, because through oral sex (which almost nobody does it with a condom) you can get everything: Syphilis, Gonorrea, Chlamidia, Herpes, Hepatitis, etc.

      You can try to dress it up, but there is no way to cover what you said:

      “If you do find “THE ONE” and he is HIV+ but undetectable and has maintained that state for an extended period of time, it may not necessarily be a deal breaker, especially if you are on PrEP, use condoms or both.”

      I will say that AGAIN for you to realize what you did say:

      “it may not necessarily be a deal breaker, especially if you are on PrEP, use condoms or both.”

      Which part of UNDETECTABLE=UNTRANSMITTABLE is not clear for you? We are talking about THE ONE remember, not a hook up.

      WE ARE EQUAL, DO YOU GET THAT? (Further more, Undetectable is SAFER than “Negative”)

      It does not matter if your partner is HIV+ Undetectable or Negative in order to make use of PrEP and/or condoms.

      Having an HIV+ U partner would not make any difference whatsoever on taking that decision.

      Therefore the “make up” you put in your answer is completely weak and meaningless.

      Just admit it, you are serophobic, there are many more people like you, is not a big deal.
      The sooner you realize, the faster you can make changes, and the less likely would be that you will eventually seroconvert. Trust me, serophobia is a risky path, you end up “relaxing” in the wrong place. HIV usually happens in context of “trust” among “negative” partners.

  • Richard 55

    I refuse to have sex with anybody who has a sexually transmitted illness. It’s my right.

    • ChrisK

      I thought you didn’t believe in hiv Brian. Keep your BS trolling straight.

    • Retos VIH 2020

      Richard, just get tested yourself, there are many more things besides HIV (which is not transmittable when treated), and all the STD’s can go asymptomatic, the same as HIV.

      The vast majority of STD’s transmissions occur when the person than has them is undiagnosed and untreated, that is how it happens. Once you get treated, the transmission stops in you.

      Get educated, Get tested.

  • Prax07

    Don’t really care what science says concerning a person being undetectable, even if there’s a .0001% chance of getting infected from an undetectable person, that’s too big a chance for me. If I miss out on happening across my soulmate because I avoid hiv+ and undetectable guys, that’s ok with me. I’d rather be single than take that chance with someone that has that or any other sexually transmitted disease.

    • ChrisK

      I’d say it’s a 100% chance you’ve had sex with someone with a std that just didn’t tell you. Don’t ask don’t tell I guess is your policy.

    • Retos VIH 2020

      Prax07, you obviously did not read the Science: The chance is CERO when undetectable.

      Basically, the safest sex you can have is with someone that is Undetectable.

      The way to get HIV is with a person that is “Negative” but actually positive Undiagnosed and untreated.

      Get educated, get tested.

      https://www.flsida.org/en/blog/undetectable-equals-untransmittable-uu

    • Retos VIH 2020

      And I have news for you Prax07, among the MSM community the prevalence of HIV, Syphilis, Chlamidia, Gonorrea ranges from 11% up to 20% in cities like Barcelona, Amsterdam or Berlin.

      And guess what? Around 30% of those are undiagnosed and can transmit HIV.

      People living with HIV, diagnosed and on treatment CAN NOT TRANSMIT HIV, and are tested regularly for Syphilis, Gonorrea, Chlamidia and Hep-C, and therefore are by far safer sexual partners than you are.

      Negative People that is on PrEP are also regularly tested for STD’s.
      The most safe sex partners you can have are those that get tested regularly and treat their things.
      The riskiest sexual partner is someone that meets your profile full of fear, ignorance and probably did not get tested for a long while and practiced condomless sex with a regular partner based on trust. But 2/3 of new HIV cases occur in a context of trust within a couple or regular sex partner.

    • DonW

      “If I miss out on happening across my soulmate because I avoid hiv+ and undetectable guys…”

      You’re not really avoiding HIV+ guys — you’re avoiding guys who are open and honest about their status — who are most likely getting treated and hence unlikely to be contagious. HIV is far more likely to be transmitted by people who *don’t know they have it.* Recently infected people who aren’t on treatment can have high viral loads are the most contagious. Since they don’t know they have HIV, and will tell you in all sincerity that they are “clean,” your policy of only dating partners who say they’re negative means you are including the riskiest partners of all in your dating pool.

      You plainly don’t have a problem with guys who TELL you they are HIV-. But unless they have been celibate for three months and then test negative — and you’ve been watching them 24/7 — you really have no way of knowing.

      Bottom line: don’t base your safety decisions on naive questions about other guys’ status. Take your protection in your own hands. Use condoms 100% correctly, PrEP, or both.

  • Mirek

    Sorry. I could never get a hard on with anybody who is hiv positive, got syphilis, tuberculosis, Hep C. etc. I am NOT a germ phob. I am in my 70eties. I had a rich past. I had syphilis when I was 18. Everybody had something then…. And its not of fear of catching hiv. Its just the stupidity of getting it in the first time. With all the knowledge available, I try to avoid partners who get SO sexual, they loose control and common sense. Sorry! I really am. But….

    • Retos VIH 2020

      Mirek…you are really missing the point.

      Nobody goes transmitting STD’s being aware of it!!!
      STD’s are transmitted when you are Undiagnosed and Unaware that you carry them.
      Once you are diagnosed, you treat them and cure them in less than a week usually and in the case of HIV, you treat it chronically, and become undetectable and uninfectious.

      Please do yourself a favor, and get educated, you are missing the whole story.

  • 1898

    i’ve been in this situation. there was a silver lining: it forced me to become far more educated about HIV and STDs than the average person.

    the downside was that he had become so accustomed to being dumped by guys that he eventually self-sabotaged the relationship. this was several years ago and I still grieve for what could have been, had he not been so emotionally scarred by what others had done to him.

  • Kile Ozier

    Jake…

    I see a missed opportunity, here. The use of the words, “wham,” and “bombshell,” with respect to the disclosure of one’s HIV status seems immediately to color the conversation with negativity and misunderstanding.

    While it was a “bombshell” in the last century, and may have been extremely bad news in the past decade…now, however, it’s pretty much simply just Good Information.

    IMHO, it’s the responsibility of Every Thinking Individual to be informed of the facts and ramifications BEFORE such information is shared. This should not be a “bombshell” in any form and anyone who’s dating or seeking sexual recreation is responsible for his (or her) informational preparation, going in (so to speak!).

    Undetectable = Untransmittable. An HIV+ person who is undetectable and on meds cannot transmit the virus. This is the most recent, up-to-date, globally acknowledged and embraced science.

    PrEP is an excellent, though often largely unnecessary in assured instances of positive and undetectable partners on meds, extra precaution.

    During the ’90’s and the ’00’s, I’ve no doubt that the stigma of being positive derailed hundreds of thousands of relationships and potentially positive experiences. Now that this one, simple, world- and life-changing bit of enlightening information is available; I’d think that should be one of the first bits of information shared in an article such as this.

    Right up front; so that those still nervous and even seeking confirmation of their fears might have assuaging light shone on their fears at the very beginning…removing the filter of trepidation and opening minds up to this freeing, wonderful return of opportunity to love without fear anyone to whom one is drawn.

    Language is everything.

    • Danny595

      You’re a fool. HIV infection is extremely bad news. Don’t try to pretend that it isn’t. HIV still kills thousands of Americans every year, about half of whom are gay/bi. The CDC does NOT say that undetectable=zero risk of transmission. HIV+ people will do anything, even lie, to escape the “stigma” that they have created for themselves.

    • ChrisK

      You’re the only fool. He’s right. Bombshell is stigmatizing and not needed.

    • ErikO

      Just because someone is on the toxic PREP or Truvada, or they are HIV+ but supposedly “undetectable” they can still get infected with HIV or infect someone else with HIV. This also includes the idiot HIV+ gay men who believe it’s perfectly fine and safe to have unprotected sex with someone that’s also HIV+ despite how co-infection with new strains happens and re-infection with another HIV strain happens, as well as infection with any other STDs the other person has. ONLY IDIOTS WITH A DEATH WISH bareback with people who are HIV+.

    • Retos VIH 2020

      ErikO, You are wrong my friend. Fully unaware of the Science and facts towards HIV Transmission.

      PrEP is not toxic, is well tolerated in more than 98% of people that use it. There are far worse medications than Truvada, that we take daily for cholesterol, Blood pressure, etc. But we take them because the benefit they bring is greater than the risk involved. PrEP users are monitored every 3 months to makes sure that its toxicity does not impact their liver or kidney, so do not worry about it, because PrEP works well.

      HIV+ Undetectable people, remain undetectable for life if they stick to their treatment and they simply CAN NOT pass HIV to anybody, neither they can get re-infected with HIV because of the meds they are taking that would protect them, the same way PrEP protects negative people.

      Superinfection, which is what you mention, is a very rare event, and only a few documented cases around the world, and not likely to happen when you are on treatment like undetectable HIV guys are.

      Therefore no matter if it is two HIV+ Undetectable guys, or one serodiscordant couple where there is only one HIV+ Undetectable person, when they have condomless sex, they are not being stupid as you imply, they are actually having SAFE SEX in regards to HIV, and it is not “unprotected” they are using a chemical condom called “Treatment”, which Science already proof that is the best prevention that exist.

      As for the rest of STD’s, just to let you know that the best way to prevent them is not the use of condoms, given that all of them you can acquire through oral sex, which I am sure you do not do with a condom. The best way to prevent STD’s is through regular testing and treatment, which happens to be the case with HIV+ people adhered to care, and PrEP users that are regularly tested for STD’s.

      All of a sudden, all your arguments are gone. Get EDUCATED ErikO, and Get Tested regularly.

    • ErikO

      @Retos VIH 2020-Are you aware the the majority of gay men who are HIV+ lie about it, and many do not even know? I’ve noticed that people who are HIV+ claim to be “undetectable” but their viral load/”undetectable” status can change, and only a fool would bareback and claim that it’s fine to do it raw as long as you are on toxic PREP or have sex with some guy that claims he’s “undetectable”.

      Not even all people who are HIV+ take their meds the way they are supposed to, and not everyone can afford them, and side effects from them are not fun so people stop taking them because of the side effects. But you are a troll who knows nothing about HIV and you do not know anyone who is living with HIV.

    • Retos VIH 2020

      ErikO, in your view, HIV + people are “predators” that try to pass it to everyone lying about their status and not on meds…

      Obviously, that is only your view. Lets have a look at your sentences:

      “the majority of gay men who are HIV+ lie about it, and many do not even know?”

      Well, if they are undiagnosed because they do not know, they are not lying. Those are actually the ones you should be aware of, and those are supposed to claim that are “negative” based on their last test from 2 years ago…

      And yes, the majority of gay men who are HIV+ do not disclose it for the stigma that exist of people like you. But that does not mean they are “predators”, they use condoms or they use TasP.

      But they do not do bareback if they are not on meds and undetectable, that is just your twisted view of the “majority” of PLWHIV.

      Nobody is recommending here to practice bareback sex with anyone. When you do sex, it is your individual responsibility on how you want to do it, and it will depend on many circumstances: casual sex on scruff, your partner, group sex.

      You simply need to use common sense, there are many choices available for every individual, for you is clear that condoms are the only choice.

      For some other people there is PrEP or TasP, and the three of them would be considered safe sex towards HIV, and you are nobody to judge how the rest of the people choose to protect themselves.

      As for the rest of STI’s, condoms can protect you from genital STI’s, but through oral sex you can get them all: Syphilis, Gonorrea, Chlamidia, Herpes, Hepatitis…if you also use condoms for oral sex, you are definitely exceptional.

      Lets see another of your sentences:

      “people who are HIV+ claim to be “undetectable” but their viral load/”undetectable” status can change”

      Well, that is actually not the case, someone adhered to treatment, and stays on care is likely to remain undetectable for life:

      https://www.poz.com/article/viral-rebound-chance-low-successful-hiv-treatment

      Lets go for another one of your sentences:

      “only a fool would bareback and claim that it’s fine to do it raw as long as you are on toxic PREP or have sex with some guy that claims he’s undetectable”

      I never said that you have bareback with someone that claims is undetectable or on PrEP. What I do say, is that NEITHER you have to bareback with someone that claims to be NEGATIVE.

      When you are with your boyfriend and you see him taking his PrEP or his TasP every day, and you know is SAFE, then you can choose to go bareback.

      When is casual sex, no matter what He claims, you need to use protection: condoms, PrEP or TasP.

      It is just common sense ErikO

      And your last one:
      “you are a troll who knows nothing about HIV and you do not know anyone who is living with HIV.”

      Well, the only ignorant here is yourself as you could see from this answer.
      And, yes I know people with HIV, I am an activist, and I am HIV+ Undetectable.
      You know how it happened to me? With a condom. It broke. And the person I was with was “negative” (Undiagnosed). So yes, I know of what I am talking about.

  • Danny595

    “The truth is that he’s really not any different than a negative guy but you should explore the issues with him.”

    Wrong. HIV+ people have a lethal retrovirus in their bloodstream.
    They are also many more times likely to suffer from depression, suicidal thoughts, drug and alcohol abuse, anxiety, low self-esteem, and other STIs. That makes an HIV+ person different than an uninfected person. This “therapist” seems to have an agenda. He deliberately starts this post with an imaginary HIV+ date, who is perfect in every way except for that pesky little infection. What a joke. His client’s interests should be first, not his own crusades.

    • Retos VIH 2020

      Danny595:

      HIV Is Not Lethal when treated, actually is a chronic infection with a lifespan similar to the rest of the population.

      Depression, suicidal thoughts, drug and alcohol abuse, anxiety and low self-esteem and other STIs are not a “feature” of HIV+ people… that is in your perception of someone that stigmatizes and criminalizes people that live with HIV for doing the same thing your parents did to bring you to this world: SEX

      You are no better or worse than someone living with HIV, HIV does not define who you are, and today HIV can be prevented in different ways than it could in the 90’s, because Science has advanced in the last 3 decades to the point that if as a Society We followed the advice of UNAIDS and WHO We could STOP HIV by 2020 and END it by 2030.

      The only thing we need for that is EDUCATION, which is what you lack.

      Treatment is Prevention, and reduces 100% the chance of HIV Transmission.
      PrEP is Prevention, and reduces 99% the chance of HIV Transmission.
      Condoms are Prevention, and reduces 80% the chance of HIV Transmission.

      Your “opinion” will not stop you from acquiring HIV, if you keep on doing “serosorting” as an strategy to protect yourself. GET TESTED, GET EDUCATED, STICK TO SCIENCE.

    • ErikO

      Exactly Danny. Retos VIH 2020 is mistaken and giving out dangerous “advice”. People who have HIV do not have the same lifespan as people who are HIV neg.

      I have friends who are HIV+ and they do not have sex, date, or have relationships/partnerships with anyone that’s not also HIV+ who also knows what it’s like to live with HIV.

    • Retos VIH 2020

      ErikO… GET INFORMED, GET TESTED, you only say STUPIDITY in every sentence you pronounce.
      This will shut up your mouth for a while (hopefully)

      HIV life expectancy ‘near normal’ thanks to new drugs
      http://www.bbc.com/news/health-39872530

      I know plenty of serodiscordant couples, that have great sex. Even myself had a poz boyfriend when I was not and We had sex every single day.

      The fact that you enter in panic with HIV is called serophobia, and is the fastest way to seroconvert because you will “relax” in a trust context with a “negative” (undiagnosed) guy.

      I am not going to waste my time trying to educate you, because you are a lost cause, narrow minded and full of prejudice and ignorance.

      Have a nice day

  • Prax07

    Again, I don’t trust the science saying undetectable equals no chance of transmission. The infected person still carries tbe lethal virus, and I’d never willingly have sex or even want to kiss a person carrying that virus. Ad far a Prep, I’m still viewing anyone on that ss an unsafe sexual partner. People using it have a need for it because they’re either sluts or they have unsafe sex with multiple partners. I stay away from both types. Saying all these people are safe partners is ridiculous in my mind, and no science article or message poster will change that. Any guy that messages me and says he’s hiv+ or on prep gets an automatic block.

    • Heywood Jablowme

      “or even want to kiss a person carrying that virus.”

      That statement would have been ignorant in 1990, where you apparently live.

      “People using [PrEP] have a need for it because…” – well, often because they’re in a sero-discordant relationship.

    • Retos VIH 2020

      The only ridiculous thing is “your mind: I am afraid Prax07

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  • kbhmsw

    If you like this article, you would probably like the two-part article that I wrote years ago, which appears to have “inspired” this new one. The links to the original are http://www.gaytherapyla.com/how-to-have-a-magnetic-relationship-youre-neg-hes-poz-now-what-part-1-of-2/ and part two, here: http://www.gaytherapyla.com/how-to-have-a-magnetic-relationship-youre-neg-hes-poz-now-what-part-2-of-2/. I’ve been a gay, poz (27 years) psychotherapist and life/career coach specializing in gay men for 25 years. More on my story of how I’ve survived and thrived living with HIV (and in a 15-year relationship/marriage with an HIV-negative guy) here: http://www.gaytherapyla.com/biography-of-ken-howard-lcsw/

  • ErikO

    We just stay friends and don’t date or ever have sex. I know men and women who have had sex with someone that’s HIV+, even unprotected sex; but I figure it’s their choice just as it’s MY CHOICE to not have sex with someone that’s HIV+, or who I assume is HIV+ or has other STDs. Yes I know how to have safer sex and have always had it but I still would not be comfortable having sex with someone that’s HIV+.

    • Retos VIH 2020

      Eriko…You still do not understand that there is no need to have an instructions booklet to have sex with someone that is HIV+, it works exactly the same than with everyone else.

      For casual sex you should protect yourself equally because you simply do not know the person.

      For a relationship, you are supposed to know that your partner takes his meds daily, go to his doctor appointments regularly, and remains undetectable since He started his treatment, therefore, you are in the best case scenario, because if you stick with him, you will remain HIV- even if you do not use condoms for sex.

      YOUR CHOICE: Serosorting is the worst strategy you can take in order to remain HIV-, you might want to have a look on this article:

      https://www.facebook.com/notes/retos-vih/grindr-improves-the-sexual-health-or-promotes-serophobia/1574769342595820/

      And beware when you use the word “unprotected” sex, because you seem to be unaware of what is considered protected sex in 2017 in regards to HIV:

      1) Treatment as Prevention for HIV+ people (Undetectable Viral Load), reduces the HIV Transmission Risk by 100%, as Science says in an International Scientific Consensus.
      Treatment not only avoids transmission of HIV to a negative partner, but also protects to a great extent from acquiring a different strain of HIV, the same way PrEP protect negative people from acquiring HIV.

      2) PrEP for negative people reduces 99% HIV Transmission Risk.

      3) Condoms reduce 80% HIV Transmission Risk. (Google for VAX 004 and EXPLORE Studies)

    • ErikO

      @Retos VIH 2020-If you’re actually foolish enough to believe that taking the toxic and expensive PREP/Truvada, and barebacking with HIV+ men even men who are HIV+ but claim to be ‘undetecable’ then you only have yourself to blame when you get infected with HIV and other STDs.

    • Retos VIH 2020

      You can not even read or what?
      I already covered that topic. The way I got HIV was using a condom that broke!

      The reason why I did not take PEP in the first 72 hours was because that person told me that He was HIV- and recently tested. Wrong decision of mine to believe that I could not get HIV from someone recently tested.

      He was actually in the middle of his window period with a hughe viral load.
      Instead, if it happened to me with an HIV+ Undetectable person, I never would have got HIV.

      This was my main lesson learnt, you do not get HIV from a diagnosed and on treatment HIV+ person. The way you get it is by UNDIAGNOSED supposedly Negative guys like you.

      ErikO, you need to know that:

      1) Ignorance leads to Serophobia
      2) Serophobia leads to Serosorting
      3) Serosorting leads to Seroconversion

      Get Informed, Get tested Regularly, Protect yourself with VALID INFORMATION.

  • NateOcean

    Yes, because the best health advice information is always found in the comment section from anonymous sources.

  • junk4sts

    I’ve been part of a lively back and forth with Retos VIH 2020, but I think I’m through with that conversation, not for negative reasons but because I don’t have anything more to say to Retos. for others out there especially if this is something you are really dealing with, don’t be ignorant and close minded and do read up on the topic, but also don’t feel bad about being cautious.

    If you are worried about being in a relationship with HIV+ Undetectable partner, check out the FAQ’s on this site https://www.preventionaccess.org/faq and read over points 15, 17, 19 and 21.

    Be safe, make good informed choices and be comfortable with the choices you make.

    • Retos VIH 2020

      Just for you to know, and for all of the rest of the skeptics that still think that a small risk prevails despite of ARV treatment…

      UNAIDS just published in Science Now this:

      “People on Effective ARV Treatment are no longer infectious”

      https://sciencenow.unaids.org/post/hiv-testing-and-treatment-83

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