What’s it like to get down and dirty with someone who’s closer to 3 than to 6 on the Kinsey scale? Redditors are weighing in, and there’s nary a consensus.
The heated discussion started when one Reddit user asked, “Have you noticed any differences when hooking up with gay guys and bisexual guys?”
Related: Bisexuals talk about the differences between dating men and women
“I’ve met a couple of bi guys for regular fun and honestly they’re just super sweet and protective,” he added, sharing that one of those FWBs made sure the Redditor was okay after he bumped his head mid-coitus.
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“And both of them are generally really passionate,” he observed. “Not trying to say there’s a pattern or anything but just something I noticed in my experience.”
Responses soon came flooding in, including some that seem to disparage our bi brethren.
“One major difference is that gay guys actually top occasionally,” one Redditor wrote. Another said, “Gay guys are more varied in bed, you’ll find tops, bottoms, vers, and kinky this or kinky that. Bi guys tend to prefer exclusively bottoming while with a guy. In their heads, if they wanna top, [they] might as well go be with a woman.”
A third commenter, however, begged to differ. “Every bi guy I’ve been with has been a top,” he said. Yet another, confusingly, said it “depends on where you live.”
Related: Why does bisexuality still make us so uncomfortable?
And that wasn’t the extent of the conflicting reports. One commenter wrote that the bi guys he has been with “were very vanilla and didn’t perform the best,” while another argued that bi guys give good sex but “tend to be crazier.”
Meanwhile, another Reddit user said he hasn’t experienced any disparity between the two experiences. “My last BF was bi and I honestly didn’t notice anything different,” he said.
Maybe we can all just agree that mileage can vary, no matter the orientation of one’s bed partner?
Donston
There isn’t much consistency when it comes to hooking with people who identify as the same thing, because, guess what? Everyone’s different. Even if someone identifies as “bi” that doesn’t mean that they’re perfectly in the middle of the Kinsey scale or in the middle all the time. (And there are many gay-identifying people who are not a “6” or not at a 6 all the time). There’s also no telling where they fit in the romantic, sexual, affection, relationship contentment spectrum. This stuff is partially why the Kinsey scale is incredibly outdated and almost useless nowadays. Whatever you identify as doesn’t equate to being a top or bottom or versatile. It doesn’t equate to being masculine or feminine. It doesn’t equate to whether you’re a good lover or not. Hell, a lot of the time it doesn’t even really reflect your sexuality. There’s just too many different types of people and too many nuances in everyone’s sexual and romantic preferences to expect there to be any real consistency when it comes to identity.
Josh447
The Kinsey Scale was designed for notating raw sexual desire nothing more, not romance not affection, not commitment, mental derivatives etc, just sex. In that, it is a perfect scale.
When you slice and dice sex up into emotional behavioral categories as you do all the time, the picture gets mottled and extravagant and I believe that’s why you don’t get the responses here you might seek. Those ideas would be better transfered to a sex and romance therapist forum bc here, people just don’t care.
Donston
Yes, another unnecessarily nasty and bitter response from you. How welcome.
The Kinsey scale isn’t very effective nowadays for several reasons. First, because as I have already mentioned the romantic, sexual, affection, emotional, relationship spectrum is extremely varied and individualized. But even if you’re just talking about the sex part there’s attractions, desires, arousal (and there’s different types of arousal), sexual pleasures, sexual fulfillment. When you put those together it can be difficult to find a perfect number. Trans people also make the Kinsey scale more difficult access. There’s also fluidity. While Kinsey’s studies in general were more driven by questionnaires than by scientific experiments and by trying to attain psychological depth. And most experiments and studies on sexuality after Kinsey have pointed to the scale not being very useful. There have been plenty of journalists and “queer writers” that have suggested moving away from the scale and from Kinsey’s studies in general. So, it’s not like I’m a lone wolf here.
All and all, Kinsey nor his scale holds much water in modern context.
Donston
Furthermore, there are many people who identify as whatever but aren’t into anal at all. Using identity as a connection to sexual preferences and whether someone is a “good lover” or not is always a mistake. And once again, the Kinsey scale is lame.
Observant
There was nothing nasty or bitter in Josh447’s response. His well crafted argument was direct and succinct, demonstrating a solid understanding of the importance of syntax and economy of language when communicating.
Perhaps that’s what threw you.
It was gratifying to see someone stuff a verbal sock in your mouth. Surely you might find another outlet for your hackneyed drivel.
Donston
I’ve had enough people tell me they appreciate my posts here (even if they disagree with a decent amount of my perspective). And I generally have enough self-confidence that I don’t need anyone’s approval.
And yes, that post was bitter and nasty. There was nothing in my initial post that was hateful or negative. It all was related to the article. Yet, instead of arguing against my perspective he decided to personally attack me and didn’t engage with any of the actual content of my post whatsoever. I’m sorry that I say sometimes confuses people or that I don’t merely use to site spew acidic one-liners or congratulate people on coming out or push agenda.
ShiningSex
Depends on people’s view on the term “Hooking up”. If it’s just sex, no big deal. Have fun.
Something more? Well, just know what you’re getting into. A person SHOULD be monogamous unless they’re upfront about that in the beginning. A totally true “Bi” guy is rare. Most are just a year or two from saying they’re totally “gay”. However, a true “bi” guy is tough to be in a relationship with. Trust me I’ve been there twice and never again. Sometimes you wonder what they’re thinking or if they’ll get tired of being with YOU. It’s natural, but if you have a devoted partner or keep the lines of communication open without being paranoid, it can work.
I’ve had a lot of lesbian friends (9 friends exactly) get involve with bi women and sadly none of them lasted.
Donston
Most bi-identifying people (particularly guys) are closer to being “fluid” rather than being truly inherently bi throughout their whole lives. Attractions, desires, passions, sexual enjoyment, affections, romantic interests, relationship contentment towards certain types of people tend to lessen or increase over time. Almost none stay at a persistent “Kinsey 3” throughout their lives. That’s why it is kinda of dangerous to try to have serious relationship with a bi-identifying person. But it’s kinda “dangerous” to love anyone and commit yourself to anybody. My husband and I have had a few bi threesomes throughout the few years we’ve been married. He’s “almost homosexual”. And I’m a bit less homo than he is. However, both of us are content with people simply seeing us and our relationship as “gay”.
This article however is just about hooking up with people who identify as different things.
Gary Q VV
My second steady long-term “lover” was a Navy officer who until our third year failed to mention that he was a divorcee with a five year old son. This was in the late 80’s when Gays, Drag Queens, Lesbians, and Bisexuals were becoming more visual in the general society. Even so, I was pissed at him for deceiving me. How could’ve I known – as he was an exclusive bottom. And, during our second year he had the audacity to start seeing his ex-wife, as he finally explained it to me at the end of the third year, “to get him on her good side to hopefully reduce the alimony for his own son!” What a pathetic man. He completely fooled me for his own deviant purpose – sex and companionship with me, and covert contact with his wife to avoid alimony. In fact, he eventually went back to his son and wife, and for several years he attempted to entice me to be his exclusive lover on the side. Two words for that particular Bisexual man: paltry and pathetic.
Leeane314
As a woman whose primary attraction is to bi men I will tell you it can be difficult. I’m bi as well and the other partner in many cases question how faithful you are. I’m just lucky that I believe in poly relationships.
My first was at 18 and one of my Male bf was gay…to my knowledge I’m the only woman he was ever with. I’ve always felt humbled by that because I’m nothing super special. I was just a young open minded girl who saw possibilities not roadblocks.
Now at 55 I’ve tore down roadblocks for others. Love is love is love!
Donston
What exactly does any of this have to do with the article?
Gary Q VV
@Donston….. don’t be such a Notsnod to the lady @Leeane312
Donston
I’ve seen several of her posts, and in all of them she merely talks about wanting a “bi guy”. If that was a dude people would call him a straight/hetero-leaning/non-homo-leaning worshiper and tell him to expand his mind and stop being too specific with your standards.
Leeane314
Sorry I’m just real.
Justice
Lumping people into categories is ludicrous. It depends on way too many things. Maybe it’s the time I grew up, but pre-AIDS, we were having so much sex, there was no challenge at all, having sex with a gay man. “Bi” was not such a label, so what you thought was that you were going to bed with a straight man, – which was really hot. For some of us anyway. I’d had a quick encounter with someone in NYC and when he ended up in school in Milan, I suggested we meet in Florence for a weekend. As we were going to bed for the first time, he confessed to me he was “bi”. It was the romantic weekend of my life. My preference for something more challenging no doubt added to hooking up with a ‘bi’ guy as a recipe for hot sex.
Donston
Most of those “straight guys who sometimes hook up with guys” aren’t challenges. The majority of men who think they’ve “seduced a straight guy” don’t realize that most of the time it’s just a closet case, a guy who’s “curious”, a guy filled with contradictions in their orientation and instincts, or a bored guy who’s willing to do anybody to get him off.
I do agree that the “bi movement” will always be somewhat problematic and always feel a bit too driven by sociology and politics. Fluidity is real and the spectrum is too broad. While there’s too many people desperate to hold on to a sense of hetero-normalcy or desperate to cling on to a feeling of “queerness”. And there’s too many people (like yourself) who are straight/hetero-leaning worshipers and see guys who indulge bi behaviors as superior or inherently sexier. All of this is why partially why identifying as fluid, queer, pan, or avoiding identity or claiming that you’re just a straight or gay person who happens to not be hetero or homo have become the “new things” to do.
broadshoulder
I stay away from bisexuals – they never fully commit. Whenever the do it with one sex, their brain goes after the other.
They are fickle.
djmcgamester
People are fickle. Do you know how many times I’ve looked for a guy to date and they told me they really wanted an f-buddy? Bisexuals men are just like any other man. They’ll either be monogamous and faithful or not. Shockingly, also true of heterosexual men.
Donston
djmcgamester, I was just about to say that. There some legitimate concerns to confront if you’re looking to date someone who’s bi-identifying. However, men in general are fickle, especially in their youth.
AxelDC
This was very scientific.
richardNobbs
Are you folks serious?
dean089
Since when does hooking up have anything to do with romance? Is that some new thing, like when twinks call each other “daddy?”
Creamsicle
If I want to find out what randos are saying on reddit, then shouldn’t I just…read reddit?
djmcgamester
Don’t see a problem here. Does the guy like guys? So long as it’s all out in the open, which is to say that it’s not a DL scenario, there’s no reason for it not to be fun. Or a relationship. Not that this was in the article, but I also don’t think bisexuals are more prone to cheating. Cheaters are cheaters. Men cheat on women with other women. Women cheat on men with other men. No pattern on that front (which is, perhaps, an outdated myth).
mgconlan
I’d like to thank you for running this article. I’m still infuriated when Bi celebrities like James Dean, Leonard Bernstein, Anthony Perkins and Freddie Mercury get referred to as “Gay” in retrospective articles about them. There are probably a LOT of people out there who are neither Kinsey ones nor Kinsey sixes. I’ll never forget what one Bisexual told Newsweek magazine when they profiled the Bi community in the 1980’s: “I fall in love with a person, not a gender.” And I also liked what Lindsay Maracotta wrote in her book on singles bars in the late 1970’s: a woman friend of hers had just told her she was dating a Bi guy and said, “I don’t mind that he’s Bisexual — it’s just twice as many people to be jealous of.”
Donston
None of those people you mentioned identified as anything, and we really don’t know where any of those folks were on the general spectrum or the Kinsey scale or what fluidity they have my experienced in their lives or what their general motivations were. All people do is speculate. Just like “labeling” people gay can be inappropriate, labeling people bi can be just as problematic. Furthermore, most “queers” have some type of bisexuality or fluidity within their orientation through their lives. It really isn’t something special or unique. It’s usually more about how extreme it is. This is something that many gay, bi, pan, straight, whatever identifying people have acknowledged. And there are many gay and straight identifying who have (or had) some type of bisexuality in their orientation. I’m a lil’ tired of the “bi victim” and “bi erasing” tropes.
Donston
The thing is there are many gay identifying guys who have dated women, married women or admitted to not being entirely homosexual (when it comes to famous dudes/public figures there’s Elton John, Neil Patrick Harris, Ricky Martin and likely quite a few more). Even guys like Tom Daley, Lee Pace and Garrett Clayton don’t really seem to care whether people want to refer to them as gay or bi or queer. While there’s plenty of famous guys throughout the decades who have said that they’re not heterosexual or haven’t lived hetero lives, yet they didn’t show much interests in detaching themselves from “straight” or promoting being a part of the “lgbtq community”.
In general, I think giving people identities who can’t speak for themselves is a mistake. And hyper focusing on dead people’s sense of self in order to push identity and social politics is almost always misguided. The general hyper focus on identity itself is often misguided.
Rock-N-RollHS
Clearly this is an “article” meant to get clicks while saying nothing. But a perfect opportunity for Donston to pontificate and lecture.
I would love to see a real study on “fluidity,” that trendy term that means what exactly??
Donston
Yep, you know I gotta grab my opportunities. However, if there wasn’t so many nonsense articles (and nonsense comments) I’d lay off a bit.
Being “fluid”, like all this other stuff, seems to mean different things to different people. There are some homosexual and heterosexual people who now claim to be “fluid” just because they’re willing to sexually engage with different genders. But I believe it’s mostly used to express dealing with some type of shifts in your attractions, arousals, sexual desires, sexual pleasures, affections, romantic passions, relationship contentment- pretty much a decreasing or increasing within any part of your orientation.
Cam
So basically the premise behind the article is that all gay guys are the same and all bi guys are the same. (Eye Roll)
broadshoulder
Yes, I am aware of that. But when its over they don’t struggle into their intent on seeing their wife and kids
A Nickname (required)
I can’t believe I fell for this clickbait…