It’s Tuesday, and It’s Super

A billion-bazillion voters are headed to the booths today, including the lavender set such as yourselves. If you’re not planning to vote today, well, you should just stop reading because this doesn’t concern you. Those of you who plan on voting, wish you could vote or get off on Democracy should continue on.

Now, we’re sure you kids have loads on your mind this Super Tuesday, but we can’t address all your civic concerns. Thus, in an effort to cut through some of the bullshit, we’ve broken down the candidates by three issues the gay gods have deemed important.

We’ve organized this by candidate and provided some comment about three key issues: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, hate crimes legislation and, yes, same-sex marriage. We weren’t going to include that one, but decided the Republican camp offers some nuanced views many of you may not realize. So, without further ado, here’s your Totally Mini Extreme Super Tuesday Voting Guide Extravaganza!

Oh, and those of you who think we’re going to know the Democratic candidate later today, read this from Rasmussen Reports:

Perhaps the most important fact of all is that the Democrats award delegates on a proportional representation basis. That means that it won’t matter quite so much who wins and loses a given state so long as it’s close. Since both candidates will win a few states and both will pick up large numbers of delegates, it is highly unlikely that either candidate will earn a decisive victory tomorrow. In fact, it may be more than a month before we know the Democratic nominee.

So, those of you who think the race ends today – the games have just begun.

Hillary Clinton:
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: Hillary Clinton’s presidential hubby may have enacted Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, but the Senator from New York vowed to repeal the discriminatory military act, which prohibits gay soldiers from serving out and proud – and definitely not loud! Clinton made sure to highlight her military connections when answering HRC’s Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell anniversary round-up. It’s with those connections, of course, that she can help force change in the Pentagon.

Same-Sex Marriage
: It should go without saying that Hillary Clinton won’t support an amendment banning gay marriage. She did, after all, vote against the Federal Marriage Amendment. Clinton also told ABC News in 2006 that she wouldn’t stand in the way of potential New York state legislation. She’s made clear on a number of occasions, however, that she’s “very supportive” of civil unions. Oh, Hill!

Trans-Inclusive ENDA: Hillary Clinton likes to tout the fact that she signed Senate version of ENDA, but fails to highlight that the version she supported – put forth by Ted Kennedy, an Obama supporter – does not include trans rights. She did, however, answer “yes” on an HRC survey, but a lot has changed since last summer.

Barack Obama:
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: Obama and rival Hillary Clinton have often been compared to one another. How could they not be? Their policies aren’t really that different, including the politico’s respective positions on Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Obama’s all about fighting discrimination, especially in the military: “As president, I will work with Congress and place the weight of my administration behind enactment of the Military Readiness Enhancement Act, which will make nondiscrimination the official policy of the U.S. military.”

Same-Sex Marriage: Obama’s a lot like Clinton here, too. He supports civil unions, ain’t down with a federal marriage amendment and generally thinks gay deserve equal relationship approval. Only no marriage. Unless a state wants it: “I agree with most Americans, with Democrats and Republicans, with Vice President Cheney, with over 2,000 religious leaders of all different beliefs, that decisions about marriage, as they always have, should be left to the states.” Cheney? Yeah, we told you Obama wasn’t a stunner in this category.

Trans Inclusive ENDA: An Obama spokesperson vowed last November that her candidate “supports a fully inclusive Employment Non-Discrimination Act to outlaw workplace discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity.” She also emphasized his previous work fighting for equal protections. It doesn’t get more clear than that.

Mitt Romney:
Same-Sex Marriage: Are you fucking kidding? This kid’s waaay against same-sex marriage. Or, he is today. Romney’s got a long history of flip-flopping on equality. He once promised his Massachusetts supporters that he’d fight for gay marriage. And he did – until he decided he needed to build his conservative base and fought against his own people. Now he claims he always opposed those sinful vows – and even civil unions!: “From day one I’ve opposed the move for same-sex marriage and its equivalent, civil unions.” He’s so gross.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: Romney tells it like it is: homos have no place in our military ranks. He told ABC last February: “Don’t ask, don’t tell’ has worked well. We’re in the middle of a conflict. Now is not the time for a change in that regard, and I don’t have a policy posture as to allowing gays in the military to serve there openly.” Do Republican voters count?

Trans-Inclusive ENDA: This is rhetorical, right? Of course Romney doesn’t support a trans-inclusive ENDA. He did, however, once hint that he approves of an employment non-discrimination act that protects gay folk – on a state level, of course.

John McCain:
Same-Sex Marriage: Ah, McCain’s another flip-flopping Republican. Noticing a pattern here? The Arizonian Senator once said he wouldn’t support a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. That’s no longer the case. In fact, he even signed one for his home state.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: McCain claims his military friends told him DADT works, so he’s all about it: “I recently had a conversation with some other military leaders on this issue and their point to me was ‘It’s working, so leave it alone. Generally, overall, it’s working.’” Never mind the fact that perfectly good soldiers are being denied or booted simply because they’re a bit bent.

Trans-Inclusive ENDA: Again, the issue comes down to “special rights,” which McCain doesn’t endorse. Still, we can’t imagine him fighting a state level act.

Ron Paul:
Same-Sex Marriage: Ron Paul doesn’t support gay marriage, but this Libertarian certainly doesn’t approve of any constitutional amendment prohibiting queer ceremonies. Such an act would violate America’s federalism – this is the only time we ever approve of federalism.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: Here’s where Paul differs from some Libertarians: he supports closet-cases in the trenches, calling DADT a “decent policy”. He makes sure to point out, however, that it’s not because people are gay, per se: “…If there is homosexual behavior in the military that is disruptive, it should be dealt with. But if there’s heterosexual behavior that is disruptive, it should be dealt with. So it isn’t the issue of homosexuality. It’s the concept and the understanding of individual rights. If we understood that, we would not be dealing with this very important problem.” Does that make sense to anyone else? We’re stumped.

Trans-Inclusive ENDA: Forget the trannies, Paul doesn’t even support an ENDA which includes gay folk. Again, Paul’s not about fucking with the constitution, even if it means giving people equal protection under the law.

Mike Huckabee:
Same-Sex Marriage: Huckabee once likened gay marriage to bestiality and necrophilia. That said, do you think he supports same-sex marriage? No, of course not! He doesn’t support any recognition for gay relationships, unless it’s a pink triangle, or something.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: Again, Huckabee isn’t down with gay people. And he’s certainly not down with gays in the military.

Trans-Inclusive ENDA: Seriously? No, Mike Huckabee doesn’t endorse a trans-inclusive ENDA. Unless it’s in hell.

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