Janet Napolitano to Run Homeland Security and Endure Many More Fun Questions About Her Sexuality

The latest leak from the S.S. Obama is that Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano has been tapped to run the Department of Homeland Security. Since Napolitano is an unmarried woman who’s um– sort of mannish, this means we get to spend the next four years hearing jokes about our borders being protected by flannel wearing Amazons. She certainly makes previous Homeland Security chiefs Tom Ridge and Michael Chertoff look like sissies.

The problem is, Napolitano says she’s not a lesbian. She’s been saying it for years and “if it looks like a duck” is not a compelling case for determining someone’s sexuality. This has made all the gays in Arizona all kinds of peeved, as she publicly opposes same-sex marriage. Back in 2003, long before he came to New York and mucked up The Village Voice for good, Michael Lacey was a rapscallion columnist in Phoenix where he debated at length the most pressing issue of just which side Governor Napolitano’s toast was buttered:

“If Governor Janet Napolitano isn’t a lesbian, I’ll eat your hat. She is a walking, one-woman LPGA tour all by herself.

It may be the thing I like best about her.

I’ve known Attorney General Terry Goddard almost from the first moment he entered politics, and I’ve never known a time when his sexual identity wasn’t the object of idle gossip among the ladies who lunch.

As newly elected leaders in a traditionally conservative state, the two of them have put a face on dignity in Arizona.

Governor Napolitano has appeared on the cover of local gay publications holding forth in dewy-eyed interviews. Goddard, the state’s top prosecutor, was honorary co-chair of the Arizona Human Rights Fund awards dinner this past June. He shared the limelight at the gay ball with his wife.

So you would think that queer pride would have a shot in Arizona today.

You would be mistaken.”

But why speculate just about her sexuality? As Arizona Attorney General, Napolitano got into a heap of trouble for not aggressively investigating and prosecuting Warren Jeff’s FLDS compound in Colorado City. To be fair, we’ve been to Colorado City. It’s north of the Grand Canyon and in the middle of nowhere and the sight of women in pioneer dress sweeping the driveways of 14-room suburban tract homes is really creepy, but still Napolitano had to go before East Valley Tribune editorial board and admit she could have done more before they’d let her be governor. So, she might be a closet Mormon, too!

In reality though, Janet Napolitano’s been by all accounts a fantastic nuts and bolts focused AG and Governor. Everyone loves her in Arizona despite her possibly maybe being a closeted lesbian Mormon polygamist and the only reason they haven’t anointed her Queen of Desert is that term limits bar her from running again. So, it’s off to Washington and the Department of Homeland Security.

We feel safer already.