Janet Napolitano to Run Homeland Security and Endure Many More Fun Questions About Her Sexuality

The latest leak from the S.S. Obama is that Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano has been tapped to run the Department of Homeland Security. Since Napolitano is an unmarried woman who’s um– sort of mannish, this means we get to spend the next four years hearing jokes about our borders being protected by flannel wearing Amazons. She certainly makes previous Homeland Security chiefs Tom Ridge and Michael Chertoff look like sissies.

The problem is, Napolitano says she’s not a lesbian. She’s been saying it for years and “if it looks like a duck” is not a compelling case for determining someone’s sexuality. This has made all the gays in Arizona all kinds of peeved, as she publicly opposes same-sex marriage. Back in 2003, long before he came to New York and mucked up The Village Voice for good, Michael Lacey was a rapscallion columnist in Phoenix where he debated at length the most pressing issue of just which side Governor Napolitano’s toast was buttered:

“If Governor Janet Napolitano isn’t a lesbian, I’ll eat your hat. She is a walking, one-woman LPGA tour all by herself.

It may be the thing I like best about her.

I’ve known Attorney General Terry Goddard almost from the first moment he entered politics, and I’ve never known a time when his sexual identity wasn’t the object of idle gossip among the ladies who lunch.

As newly elected leaders in a traditionally conservative state, the two of them have put a face on dignity in Arizona.

Governor Napolitano has appeared on the cover of local gay publications holding forth in dewy-eyed interviews. Goddard, the state’s top prosecutor, was honorary co-chair of the Arizona Human Rights Fund awards dinner this past June. He shared the limelight at the gay ball with his wife.

So you would think that queer pride would have a shot in Arizona today.

You would be mistaken.”

But why speculate just about her sexuality? As Arizona Attorney General, Napolitano got into a heap of trouble for not aggressively investigating and prosecuting Warren Jeff’s FLDS compound in Colorado City. To be fair, we’ve been to Colorado City. It’s north of the Grand Canyon and in the middle of nowhere and the sight of women in pioneer dress sweeping the driveways of 14-room suburban tract homes is really creepy, but still Napolitano had to go before East Valley Tribune editorial board and admit she could have done more before they’d let her be governor. So, she might be a closet Mormon, too!

In reality though, Janet Napolitano’s been by all accounts a fantastic nuts and bolts focused AG and Governor. Everyone loves her in Arizona despite her possibly maybe being a closeted lesbian Mormon polygamist and the only reason they haven’t anointed her Queen of Desert is that term limits bar her from running again. So, it’s off to Washington and the Department of Homeland Security.

We feel safer already.

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  • Joe Moag

    Janet Reno redux?

  • Darth Paul

    I like her.

  • Val

    Who cares if Janet is a lesbian!!! Let her have her privacy. Sure, the high profile job being occupied by a lesbian would be a great thing but why question her sexuality and deprive her of privacy? The LGBT community always bitches about the heteros nosing in their business about who they choose to love or sleep with…so why are we doing this to Janet? Geez, talk about hypocrites!

  • George

    Her DNC speech was so much fun. I love her.

  • Scott

    She’s an amazing governor; even in a state that gave America McCain and Goldwater, she enormously high popularity ratings and if freaky smart to boot. I’d be proud if my state put out a real leader for once Yay Janet!

  • AZgaybe

    janet i think u vacumn the carpet!

  • Joe Lagana

    one more instance of a closet case hurting gay rights?

  • Rhea

    Yeah, she could be a lesbian, or a native of Maine.

  • Darth Paul

    @Val: THANK YOU. Excellent point.

  • flightoftheseabird

    This is a great loss to Arizona, but a huge asset to the Obama administration. I worked my ass off in 2006 to help her get re-elected. I have met her a few times, even saw a movie with her (she was in the theatre at the same time). She is very nice, smart, and tough. Oh, and who cares if she is a lesbian. Not really my concern nor should it be anyone but Sean Insanity’s.

  • Gremms

    Janet is great. She’s so well liked that many Arizonans refer to her by her first name. She’s really made a name for herself as a Democratic governor in a red state, and she’s the saving grace of our state government. Unfortunately, if she leaves her governor post we’ll be left with a crazy Republican as our governor and that coupled with our nut-bag legislature will spell doom for Arizona. Though I’m happy for Janet and the U.S., I’m worried for Arizona if she leaves.

  • Jeffk

    OMG – She looks like Dick Cheney!

  • patrick

    if her decades of failing to secure the Mexico-AZ border are any indication, then she should do a real bang-up job securing the whole country

  • pissyrabbit

    Have any of you ever been to Vermont or New Hampshire? All the straight women look like her.

  • david in AZ

    I think she is a huge disappointment. The last word anyone heard from her about the anti gay marriage here was in July, she opposed it, but to my knowledge that was the last time she spoke of it and her office has been silent on the passage of Prop 102, I wonder if she will be able to pass the vetting of the Obama campaign.

  • CB

    Isn’t it a security risk if she doesn’t want it to be know and bad guys (like terrorists) blackmail her with pictures?

    It would be better for her to come clean so she can not be compromised in her new position.

  • David in AZ

    That is a a good point that she could be a security risk for blackmail with email, photos, blackberry.

  • Oh

    Closeted lesbians in the cabinet is nothing new. Hello Janet Reno, Donna Shalala and Condi!

  • David in AZ

    True – I agree but this president is much different with his vetting problems, we’ll see. I hope she does not get it.

  • jd

    so this carpet munching dem will sell out all arizona democrats to the republicans, leaving it totally republican ?

    obama’s obviously ok with this, just another short horizon dem who thinks he can yammer his way out of this with stiff, ponderous arm waving histrionics and a barrelload of pompous rhetoric

  • Joe Moag

    @jd: Boy, this is about the dumbest comment I have read on here in a while. First, she can’t run for Gov. in AZ again, due to term limits, so she’s not “abandoning” AZ – she’s done! What, did you expect her to run for County Commissioner next? Secondly, the very idea that taking some from the backwater state of AZ and elevating them to a senior level cabinet position somehow constitutes “short horizon” thinking is about as whacked an idea as it gets.

  • David in AZ

    I think the problem is and maybe AZ will change it is she will be succeeded by our secretary of state, in many states she would be succeeded by the lieutenant governor who would be of the same party.

  • BobbyJoe

    Very excellent that everyone see’s a highly intelligent person, good she’s from a western state, and indifferent to moderately happy IF she’s a lesbian. However Napolitano has no background in intelligence or military afairs. This smells of this appointment is political payback and a nod to the left. Dubya did the same thing (unqualified political appointments) and we’ll recall it really didn’t work out so well.

  • Maria

    Janet Napolitano has a long history of being a closeted lesbian. She is old school, you are never gay. Look at Jodie Foster, Lily Tomlin, Daniel Craig . . . their long rumor life of being closeted have all come true. In case of Daniel Craig, still standing firm he is not gay, even after being caught.

    She also might consider herself bi? The question should be asked, “are you heterosexual”?

    What makes a lesbian? Is it that act of sexual activity with the same-sex? Or it is a self identification?

    When does your self-identity is trumped by public opinion? Does moving into the public eye either politically or via fame loose individual privacy?

    When are you accountable to those you

  • Eric Dondero

    Looks like a fellow Democrat has outed her. PA Gov. Ed Rendell stepped in a pile of it yesterday at the Gov’s conference. Check out CNN homepage.

  • Valerie

    Who cares?!?! Can’t a woman be single and not labeled a lesbian?? Its completely a non-issue and for anyone to make a big deal out of it just shows how small-minded some are.

    Besides the fact that she is a little overweight, what is there to say she looks likes lesbian? What exactly does a lesbian look like anyway??

  • realsister

    I don’t know if Janet is a lesbian. But if she is, it would be helpful if she would come out. We are only as sick as our secrets, and it would be helpful in raising the consciousness and thus increasing equal rights for gays and lesbians everywhere.

  • FuzzyWuzzy

    No. 26 Valerie wants to know; “What exactly does a lesbian look like anyway?” Well, uh, Valerie, try Janet Napalitano and Janet Reno-good examples!

  • Concerned American

    Hate to rain on everyone’s parade, but I LIVE in AZ, and Napolitano was a do-nothing, blame-everyone-else horrible governor!

    When Napolitano was finally forced to “deal” with our huge illegal immigration problem after a shoot-out on one of our freeways during rush hour – while Vicente Fox was being wined and dined by her majesty no less – the only thing Napolitano did was BLAME THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT for not sending troops to our borders!

    It will truly be interesting to see how she plays this out now that she is part of that very same government.

    Oh, and I apologize. We are literally dancing in the streets to see her gone…sorry you all have to suffer with her nothingness now.

  • David in AZ

    I live in Arizona as well and she was a do nothing governor. She should be outed…………..

  • Shave

    “No. 26 · Valerie
    Who cares?!?! Can’t a woman be single and not labeled a lesbian?? Its completely a non-issue and for anyone to make a big deal out of it just shows how small-minded some are.

    Besides the fact that she is a little overweight, what is there to say she looks likes lesbian? What exactly does a lesbian look like anyway??”

    Valerie I found a picture of one. It is at the top of the page of this link.


  • BonyJoe

    Instead of putting a wall on the border, Obama puts a dyke!

  • ura fag

    She’s going to fail, just as Reno did – look at all of the over-blown crepe going down today with the so-called swine flu.. it’s nothing, and it’s overkill – meanwhile, thouasands are crossing the mexican-u.s. border daily.. what a joke – i predect that she’ll resign, disgraced by christmas 09′..!

  • buckwheat

    Titties and beer — thank God I ain’t queer !!!!!!!!

  • Bubba

    Ms Napolitano has a dick.

  • ComanchePilot

    When the Nigerian Panty Bomber event occured on 12/25/2009 – we see the press interviewing Ms. Napolitano, who is from Arizona, from San Francisco. Does she have family there? No. Does she have a special friend there? Why, the press would never ask that question – unless she was married with a special friend.

    San Francisco over a long holiday weekend. No reason to be there – nope – not a lesbian, not at all.

  • jack

    Another Obama bomb, he couldn’t select a non-idiot if his life depended on it. Obama is an idiot, what do you expect from him.

  • Arizona

    Arizona loves Janet, get real.

  • SCU Alumna

    @Bubba: How ignorant. Since when does one have to be gay to visit San Francisco?

    Janet is a graduate of Santa Clara University, which is located in the San Francisco Bay Area. Janet likely has many friends in the area, and guess what? Their friendship isn’t based on their sexual orientation.

  • MistyLady

    Jan-man is from San Francisco? well, that just about answers the “gay” question.

Comments are closed.