A man in the United Kingdom has sought advice for an unusual predicament: though married to a woman, he can’t stop hooking up with other men.
“Even though I’m happily married to my wife, I crave gay sex with guys I meet online,” the man writes to popular UK advice columnist Dear Deidre. “I was sexually abused as a child by two men. My grandfather assaulted me from when I was nine until I was 13. It only stopped when he died.”
“When I was 15 a neighbor paid me to do some odd jobs for him,” he continues. “One day he asked if I’d like to earn a bit more by letting him give me oral sex. I agreed and it led to a full sexual relationship, which I enjoyed.”
Related: Gay man says he can’t stop paying straight dudes for sex, wonders if it might be unhealthy
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“At 20, I fell in love with the woman who became my wife,” the man explains. “I’m now 50 and our relationship is good, I love her very much. So why can’t I stop meeting men on gay sex sites and secretly hooking up with them? I know my marriage would be over if my wife found out.”
Recognizing the man’s trauma, Deidre offers her usual sound advice.
“The abuse that you suffered has had a big impact on your sexuality,” she notes. “It doesn’t sound like you have had any help to deal with it, which is now threatening to destroy your loving relationship. Please read my support pack Abused As A Child? and contact NAPAC (napac.org.uk), a charity supporting adult survivors of sexual abuse.”
Psychologists and experts in sexual health note that there is no link between surviving sexual abuse and identifying as queer.
A 2010 study released by the Center for Disease Control found that at least 40% of LGBTQ-identifying men will experience some form of sexual abuse or violence in their lifetimes, almost double the rate of their heterosexual counterparts.
Troyfight
Fertile grounds for cruel jokes… But obviously he needs therapy. Hope he gets it.
curranz
Secret playground for adults, where you can meet different people – xmeet.fun
CityguyUSA
It’s fluidity why hasn’t anyone solved his problem? Or he’s just a liar. I’m going with the latter.
Cam
The article said “A man in the United Kingdom has sought advice for an unusual predicament: though married to a woman, he can’t stop hooking up with other men.”
Except that isn’t an unusual problem. It’s a very comment problem, more so in places like Utah of course, but not uncommon at all.
Gigi Gee
I’m glad they said there’s “no link between surviving sexual abuse and identifying as queer.”
Also, I hope the guy is being safe when he’s hooking up with men.
Vince
The sexual abuse is irrelevant to this story. He’s bored after 30 years of marriage and is looking for some excitement he had in his youth. Like that’s so shocking. Eye roll.
AxelDC
Don’t blame your childhood trauma for your sexuality. Get help.
TamaraChing
As an abused toddler, he does need therapy by a specialist. He is 50 and still has a lot of growing up and letting go. Surprised he has not transmitted any STDs to his wife. I wish him luck in finding his much needed therapy.
Prowelsh56
Good Lord! how many excuses for such behavior. Leave the guy!
radiooutmike
I know a more few people who thought they were gay because they “enjoyed” the abuse they had as a child. Maybe it’s conscious/unconscious selection by the perpetrators? I dunno.
As far as being married and being gay. I know from my personal experience, he should just give it up. I have a bit of sympathy for him– but not that much. I managed not to cheat on my ex-wife; I don’t see it being really difficult if you care about the vows you made.
WindChime
Exactly. No matter how much gay sex he craves for, he needs to suppress that unfaithful urge and honor his vow through prayer and by avoiding seductive gay men in general. He can’t let his obsession with sex haunt his life if he really loves his wife and wants to keep his marriage alive.
Kevan1
@WIND CHIME You sound like a supporter of Gay Conversion Therapy. Noted by experts and the entire medical community, know to be destructive and non curing. Only fringe medicine suggest differently.
inbama
Doesn’t sound like it was a trauma for him at all. He cheats on his wife because he’s bisexual and needs male attention.
Donston
Inbama, do you ever have anything to say that isn’t just dismissive bitterness or identity peddling? Furthermore, considering how much you hype up how supposedly simple and “technical” sexuality and orientation are, it’s surprising you’re mentioning needing attention from someone else. Craving certain attention/affection doesn’t have to do with the “technical” aspects of sexuality and orientation at all.
It’s weird how people like yourself continue to preach that we should view these things in the most basic ways, should be quick to judge people’s nature and dimensions, and should make everything about identities, but you still end up often contradicting yourself and frequently undermining your “keep it simple” philosophy.
yendor808
@WindChime
“Praying is like a rocking chair–it’ll give you something to do, but it won’t get you anywhere.”
–Gyspy Rose Lee
Cam
@WindChime
Or he can divorce her so she can marry somebody who actually is attracted to her and loves her and he can also find what he’s looking for.
Openminded
Seems to me he needs to have a good talk with his wife because he is at minimum, bisexual. His statement that “he enjoyed” the second MM relationship with his neighbor indicates that he’s bi or gay to me.
Donston
Blaming his “queerness” on sexual abuse is something many do. And many use that abuse as an excuse for staying closeted and manipulating others and/or as an excuse to keep indulging destructive behaviors and/or as excuse to embrace their internalized homophobia, queer insecurities, gay resentments, self-misandry, self-misogyny, etc. On the other hand, suffering from sexual abuse/assault does have tremendous impact on almost every aspect of someone’s being. And abuse/assault can indeed egg on things like hyper-sexuality, hyper sexual sensitivity, extreme promiscuity, extreme fluidity and extreme sexual contractions, paraphiliacs and fetishes, depression, mental health disorders, drug addictions.
You do have to confront past traumas, but you also can’t keep leaning on them. You don’t have to make it about identity or “coming out”. But you also have to live in your truth. Really dissect all of your aspects as far as the gender, romantic, sexual, affection, emotional investment, commitment contentment spectrum. Really dissect your ego and all the things that motivate your life and your behaviors. And probably seek some professional help.
Kevan1
He has to come clean (no pun intended) to a therapist, then talk to his wife and move on with psychiatric guidance until he finds his way. Always easier said than done.