Hi Jake
My boyfriend recently decided to embrace his “natural” side. He quit manscaping, stopped wearing deodorant, and only shampoos his hair once or twice a month. He still showers regularly–thank god!–but he uses this all-natural soap that doesn’t work as well and I’m worried he’s going to quit doing that eventually too. I want to be supportive of his new lifestyle choice, but I truthfully find it very unattractive (and smelly!). It feels extreme/unhygienic. When I brought it up with him, he got offended and said if I’m not willing to embrace him for who he is then that’s my issue, and I can either accept it or break up with him. I don’t want to break up with him but I also don’t want to make out with someone who has B.O. and only brushes their teeth when they feel like it. What should I do?
P U
Dear P U,
I’m all for allowing our partners to explore their identities, experiment with their expression, and discover what makes them happy… to a point. Certain things in relationships, however, are “deal breakers”, and this may be one of them for you.
Sure, part of being in a relationship is negotiation and sacrifice, but sacrifice doesn’t mean martyrdom. You don’t have to completely push down your feelings, no matter the cost, just to please your man.
Being attracted to someone is an important component in a partnership. Sure, we can pretend a “soul connection” is what matters and transcends the physical. But let’s be real, two bodies coming together in the same space, sexually or otherwise, is a huge part of a relationship. When one of the partners in a couple decides to change how they show up in that space, it affects the other person.
Your first challenge here is to feel that your opinion and feelings about the issue are valid, and worthy of being shared. If for some reason you aren’t sure you have a right to have any demands, then you may need to do some work on your self-esteem with an understanding LGBTQ therapist. One of the characteristics of low self-esteem is not feeling like your needs matter or that you have a right to express them.
The next challenge is being able to assert yourself and what your deal breakers are, a.k.a. defining and vocalizing your boundaries. What are you okay with, or not okay with, and how can you express that in a loving, respectful manner?
The important distinction here is that this is about you, not him. In other words, this isn’t about telling your boyfriend that he’s wrong for ditching the deodorant and the toothpaste. It’s simply telling him that kissing a dirty mouth or going to bed with a stench in the room doesn’t work for you.
In some cases, people may try to push past your boundaries if they think you’ll let them, so the task here is to not cave in. If he really means it that you’ll have to break up with him, you may have to proceed in that direction if he won’t meet you halfway.
There might be something going on psychologically with your boyfriend that he unconsciously wants to “repel” you or others from his orbit, and that’s his work to figure out. There’s always a chance that if you call his bluff, and proceed towards an ending, he will realize that your relationship is more important to him than his embodiment of “Pig Pen”.
It’s one thing for a boyfriend to try out a Matthew McConaughey-like crunchy phase. But it’s another thing if they’ve gone so far off the deep end that their friends or partner can’t tolerate it, and they’re unwilling to compromise. It’s up to you to respect and love yourself enough to demand some negotiation. Could there be a way to honor both of you in this? Perhaps he can go off on his own once a month and live his best life at Pig Week in Fort Lauderdale, as long as he agrees to come back home and bathe again? Would you be okay with “Soap Free Sundays”?
Remember, your man’s journey with being “natural” is doing something positive for him, but it doesn’t mean your happiness takes second fiddle. If he won’t listen, it might be time for your own “spring cleaning” in the relationship department.
Jake Myers, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, is the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space, the first national platform for online therapy for and by the LGBTQ community, matching clients with quality LGBTQ therapists and providing a secure, easy-to-use platform for sessions. Have a question for Jake? Follow LGBTQ Therapy Space on Instagram and send him a DM, or simply stay up to date on LGBTQ mental health tips and trends!
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Peter
Body odor isn’t equivalent to cheating or murder, but for me it would be a deal breaker. Everyone sweats, and on occasion a good healthy sweat can be a turn-on, but not all the time. He sweats and his clothes absorb it; how often does he wash them? That could be a big part of the problem. Seems like he’s only taking into account his feelings on the matter; that tells you a lot. Do you live together? Your home would smell like him, too, and could be a source of embarrassment. If he isn’t willing to at least shower, use deodorant and wear clean clothes when he’s with you then I’d dump him. There are plenty of other guys out there who take their partner’s feelings into consideration moreso that sasquatch.
BEPVA
I”m not seeing the “Why” here
Why did your BF decide to make this change to his grooming habits – Is he going down a “natural” path for environmental & chemical reasons? Is he dealing with depression? Is he purposely trying to push you away (“You can just break up with me if you don’t like this” is the clue here) What’s going on w/ him?
Secondly – Why are you with your BF? Are you attracted to him because of his looks, the sex, his money or his personality? Because if you’re only with him because he’s hot or has money – You may as well dump him now. If you love him because he’s smart and caring and shares interests and values with you – Then you should work on this and get back to more of the first question – finding out what he’s going through.
If you really love him, and it’s not a superficial “love” – then you’ll support him and work with him to help accomplish his goals while also having good hygiene. There are tons of all natural products out there – including wooden toothbrushes and natural toothpastes – Help him find them so he can feel good about his choices.
Or you can just break up with him
esrosejr
Older gay man here….80s! When I first came out I met a lovely young man who had just about everything I thought I was looking for. The looks, the funny commentary, a good job as a stage manager at a local dinner theater. And, he had BO. And he was proud of it. On the few times we discussed it, he made it a matter of personal freedom and maybe something something. But bottom line. BO. There is no way to get over this. He is not going to shower more or use deodorant for you. I finally had to realize that all my psychoanalysis of his behavior was beside the point. Smell is one of the senses. A biggy. Then I met my present husband who smelled good and still does and there you have it. It is not a moral issue or even an aesthetic issue. He is doing something that is a turn off for you. And will not change. And there it is. Move on.
abfab
I’d make an exception for Ashton Kutcher…..
winemaker
Are you kidding the readers? Issues like personal hygiene are a no brainer for most people. Who in the hell wants to stay with someone that doesn’t take care of themselves physically, doesn’t bathe regularly and attend to their daily personal hygiene? Sadly life’s too short to deal with issues like this that can be a sign of a mental issue and ultimately a deal breaker.
abfab
Jesus Loves You.
lord.krath
How unequivocally matter of fact.
I’m pretty sure there are some people that feel this same way about um, say, HOMOSEXUALITY. Mental illness. Please.
Being granola isn’t new.
The choice is simple: have a conversation like adults and make a decision, or solicit feedback from strangers than know nothing of your history, significance to each other, or other mitigating/enabling circumstances.
It seems like people wonder why they’re alone, but don’t want to put in the fing work beyond working out their own demands and seeking confirmation bias.
abfab
Granola Guy found the perfect way to get rid of his nagging lover….
FreddieW
Yes, but the writer said he bathes regularly. He only washes his hair twice a month, but I remember when I was a kid, weekly was the recommendation for hair washing.
My dog gets a bath every 3 or 4 weeks, but it doesn’t stop me from loving her.
cuteguy
He obviously had good grooming habits when they first met otherwise they wouldn’t be together now. If he’s changing who he is, then obviously it’s bothering you if you’re seeking advice. Be glad for thr times you had and move on. Life is short.
Godabed
first world problems…
RIGay
There is also no consideration of secondary things like bedding. My husband is black. Immaculate about his grooming / bathing / cleaning, but he has a deep, musky body scent that, no matter how much he bathes, still permeates the bedding. For us, it means a frequent change of linens. I can only imagine how bad the linens would be if he did not keep up on his hygiene.
Kangol2
This is so racist you should be ashamed of yourself. Did you have to mention that your husband was “black,” with the implication that because he’s Black he has a “deep, musky body scent”? Do you not think White people have strong body smells as well? UGH!
abfab
Why would you have to ”only imagine how bad the linens would be….”?
Your rant about your man (god help him)…..your last line gave it all away and exposed you as a liar. If it’s still bad even after he bathes why would you have to imagine?
On the occasions when he could not ”keep up with his hygene”, flu, etc., How did you ever survive!
First off, it was too much information. Secondly, you’re one strange craker. A big fat rascist. And your story will make any person of any color cringe.
Does your husband read Q? Does he know how awful you are? Or are you guys good with this? I think you made the whole story up.
Openminded
Anytime someone gives me an ultimatum such as this stories, I’m already out the door. I won’t tolerate anyone who isn’t willing to meet me in the middle.
FreddieW
I was sympathetic until the complaint that he isn’t manscaping. Most men don’t, and hairy men are hot.
abfab
Why would you make such a blanket statement? Not all hairy men are hot. Think about that and turn on your thinking cap before you type.
FreddieW
abfab, I think you comment on the comments more than you comment on the site content.
FreddieW
And BTW, it’s a whole category of gay porn, in case you were unaware. I said it because I think it. Hairy men are hot.
abfab
You think?
Openminded
Hairy men may be hot to many, but not after we hit our 50’s or 60’s. Trust me, I know from my own experience doing that. What cruel joke causes us old guys to grow hair out our nose, ears, and all down our back?
RoyM
The dude is too lazy and selfish to practice good hygiene. Dump him and go find someone with enough self respect to brush their teeth regularly and keep themselves clean and sweet smelling.
1898
it might not necessarily be about laziness or selfishness. some people just can’t smell their own B.O. and are totally oblivious to it. sometimes people have trouble keeping up with hygiene if they’re deeply depressed. and at the other end of the spectrum, there are a lot of gay guys who have a stink fetish and find it intensely arousing. i’ve lost count of the number of guys i’ve seen on the dating/hookup apps who proudly proclaim that they don’t wear deodorant and that they expect their playmates or potential partners to not wear deodorant either
long story short, lots of possible reasons why someone might stop bathing and/or stop using deodorant
1898
choosing not to brush your teeth regularly is a serious health risk. oral health, or lack thereof, is linked to a whole host of other health problems
nothing terrible is going to happen to your body if you stop using deodorant… but if you stop brushing your teeth, or brush them only infrequently, you’re risking permanent damage to your teeth, gums, and other bodily systems. some of that damage can significantly shorten your lifespan
if i’m in a relationship with someone and i love them, i want them to be healthy and i want them to live as long as possible. i can’t just stay silent while they do something that’s actively harming themselves. bottom line, if you stop brushing your teeth, we’re gonna have to talk about it
Sotzume
Stinky is the best..the best..I love stinky boys…bring on the funk.
abfab
One important man in my past life gave me the silent treatment on those occasions when I’d have to wear an under-arm product. His words ”your arm pits are better than poppers”. Of course I was in my 30’s, my prime, my total hotness.
Certain affairs require herbal scents….nothing worse than a stinky man or woman at a sweltering mid-summer party, I don’t care where it is.
Saskatchewan
Just wash your Boy real good. And perhaps both of you will have a happy ending!
Terrycloth
Big Nope..pack his stuff..throw him out change locks..hopefully after cleaning airing out apt. You can breathe again