How many times has a straight guy come up to you and told you how lucky us gays have it when it comes to sex? While breeders have the whole “three-date rule” thing, gays have “Fuck now. Talk Later.” Now, like cosmos and pastels, the straight community is appropriating another good gay idea. NY Times columnist Charles M. Blow read a report last spring saying that more high school seniors never date than date frequently and came to the conclusion this weekend that “it’s all about the hook-up.” What else about the sex-lives of teenagers fascinates middle-aged journalists?
Well, Blow went to Kathleen Bogle, an expert in college students hooking up (ohmygod, I used to have that job, too!), whose written a book called “Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships on Campus.” Blow learns that:
“It turns out that everything is the opposite of what I remember. Under the old model, you dated a few times and, if you really liked the person, you might consider having sex. Under the new model, you hook up a few times and, if you really like the person, you might consider going on a date.
I asked her to explain the pros and cons of this strange culture. According to her, the pros are that hooking up emphasizes group friendships over the one-pair model of dating, and, therefore, removes the negative stigma from those who can’t get a date. As she put it, “It used to be that if you couldn’t get a date, you were a loser.” Now, she said, you just hang out with your friends and hope that something happens.
The cons center on the issues of gender inequity. Girls get tired of hooking up because they want it to lead to a relationship (the guys don’t), and, as they get older, they start to realize that it’s not a good way to find a spouse. Also, there’s an increased likelihood of sexual assaults because hooking up is often fueled by alcohol.”
Throw in a Gaydar account (yay corporate sponsors!) and you have the sex lives of most of the gay guys I know. So, is the trend away from meet-cute dates part of the grand gay agenda? Not really. As some of the article’s commenters point out, the hook-up model works because teenagers are more likely to hang out in social groups of friends, where they get to know each other first before deciding to take the sexual plunge.
In fact, according to the Center for Disease Control, today’s teenagers are having less sex and when they do, they’re having it with friends, not strangers. While gay men (and lesbians, too) have been forming extended ad-hoc social families for years (often because their real ones have rejected them), today’s teenagers, who grew up on social networking platforms like MySpace and Facebook, are focused on group friendships as well, hence the rise of the hook-up. And if they do happen to wind up seriously dating? Maybe the next thing the hets will discover is the meaning of “Lesbian Bed Death.”
Rigato
Unfortunately, I’m going to be the one to call BULLSHIT on the Disease Control Center. Teenagers are having less sex? They obviously don’t know teenagers. They’re having more sex, if anything.
I have nothing but contempt for people who have that sort of sex life (ie, hooking up with up to or more than 10 people in a year). It’s empty, unemotional, dangerous and frankly disrespectful to both parties.
And for the record, no straight man has ever come up to me and told me how lucky I am that I don’t have the 3-date rule. They usually tell me how lucky I am that burning people alive is an outdated custom.
Chiot Moite
Rigato, have you considered that we WANT empty and unemotional hookups? As for dangerous and disrespectful… a couple thousand hook ups later I’ve proven condoms do in fact prevent disease transmission.
Disrespectful is judging people for shit that is none of your business.
JB
@Rigato: Its only “empty, unemotional, dangerous, and frankly disrespectful” if that’s what you let it be. Two mature and consenting adults should be and often are capable of better behavior than you assume.
The Gay Numbers
We are discussing teens here right? If so, what a teen should so is not the same as what maybe right for a consenting adult. I don’t like dogma from the left or right perspective.
Although I do not agree completely with Rigato (because I don’t want to judge and people should do what they want), the reality is that in our society over the last 30 years it’s statistical fact that people do have less meaningful connections.
This is not just sexual. Even in non-sexual relationships the connections are less sustaining and emotional according to research.
It’s a matter of the number of friendships that people have as well. So, while hooking up may work for some. There are deeper questions that this raises to me about the continuing atomization of our thinking processes. If it were just hookups and the emotional component were still there then that would be fine. Gay men in the 70s for example hooked up a lot, but also seemed to have great capacity for emotional connection if the stories are to be believed.
Sex to me just seems like one of those ways in which a greater issue in our society is working itself out. Now, not only is a relationship too much, but so is dating. By itself, it’s no big deal. When looking at our society, it seems like a pattern of not connecting with each other is the point.
charles
“because I don’t want to judge and people should do what they want”
I’m going to be called a fascist for this, but whatever: I think people not passing at least *some* judgement on things is one reason that this world in in such a mess right now-judging is normal and we shouldn’t act like everything is equal and relative. Have disagreements about things, but don’t act like everything is all good. And people shouldn’t do everything they want-not even kids are allowed to do everything they want to do.
The Gay Numbers
@charles: @<a Well, I agree. I was just saying that I don’t want to judge is because what I was saying before is not easy. You succintly state that people should not do everything they want, not even kids. I agree, but deciding what should and should not be done is not a clear line for me.
It’s like a deeper question for me than whether kids or even adults are having sex or how many partners or whatever else people use as simple litmus tests. That’s not my test really.
It’s more a test of whether when people are doing whatever- are they reducing the chance over their life time of having more meaingful relationships, not just sexual ones. This is why I mention the statistical data about decreased friendships outside of family.
In doing whatever we want to do, are we becoming disconnected from one another and is that really what we want or is this what our society is becoming? Are we even thinking about consequences?
When I read this article, I was less concerned by the sex, than I was by the continuing sense of atomization. Is this what we want?
Pragmatist
Can we stop using the term “breeders,” please? It’s offensive and trashy.
lolno
“Can we stop using the term “breeders,” please?”
No.
CommentDouble
TheGayNumbers you have any links or studies about emotional connections being on the decline?
Any recent ones? It sounds pretty interesting.
M Shane
God, people have short memories now. Brain damage. A hetero. woman friend of mine mentioned the other day, that It used to be in the 70’s that we fucked first and then maybe asked someones name if we liked them. Product of the hippie enlightenment.
Nothing new, just a more serious replay. Remember to, that we have (1) the god aweful
family values creatinson the one hand and more important (2) all of the gay people trying to fit in to what they think is athe straight paradigm, and want to get married like mom and dad and hook the romantic delulusion..
seems like nobody knows what they are doing.
The Gay Numbers
Here is one link:
http://www.livescience.com/health/060623_close_friends.html
This one only covers the last 20 years. There have been other studies that show similar in the last few years that cover since the 70s. Etc.
Here’s one take away:
“The evidence shows that Americans have fewer confidants and those ties are also more family-based than they used to be,†said Lynn Smith-Lovin, professor of sociology at Duke University.
“This change indicates something that’s not good for our society,” Smith-Lovin said. “Ties with a close network of people create a safety net. These ties also lead to civic engagement and local political action”
Essentially, these studies say Americans are growing lonelier in the last 20-30 years. I have my theories about why this is the case.
kevin
@ TheStatisticalFacts: “it’s statistical fact that people do have less meaningful connections.” Huh? Have you invented a statistical formula to rate the “meaningful”ness of people’s relationships? Awesome Dude! You are now GOD!
The Gay Numbers
@kevin: You seem threatened by statistical data.
Dawster
it’s not really a “gay” think to hook up then date later.
in all honesty, it’s just social evolution. gays may have been ahead of the curve, but it’s only because we were forced (shamed?) into it. we made it work, and straights have followed.
but even without the gay factor, the fact remains that social evolution dictated that this would eventually happen regardless.
RainaWeather
@The Gay Numbers:
Threatened by complete bullshit???
The Gay Numbers
@RainaWeather: Threatened by anything that disagrees with whatever orthodoxy you are peddling. If you re-read my posts, you will notice I am careful because I don’t want to peddle any myself. I see this as information that raises questions for which I don’t pretend, unlike yourself, to have any answers.
Thus, your over the top response to my pointing out statistical studies. You can say the data is wrong for any number of reasons. I would have been fine with that. Where you went wrong was intensity of your response without any actual arguments to refute it. Just “it must be wrong.” It’s “complete bullshit.” That’s an emotional reaction and it certainly is not based on anything I posted here.
Pragmatist
Serious question: is anonymous sex actually any good? So far, I’ve never had sex with someone I didn’t get to know first. I can’t really imagine trying to pleasure someone if I don’t know what he or she likes, you know? So much of the joy comes from exploiting known weaknesses, playing on individual fantasies, etc. How does anonymous sex work?